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“Look what I got.” Kaneda swivels into the opening of his bedroom, staggering and hitting the door frame with excitement swirling in his body.
Tetsuo peered up from his curled up position on the bed, buried under sheets and pillows. He shivers when the cold air hits his face. “What is that?” He shakes it off and squints under the poor lighting of Kaneda’s room, brows furrowing.
He jumps onto the bed, tucks his feet under him and grins. “Pills, hm Tetsuo?” He shakes the aforementioned, jingling against each other in a bag, a sweet rhythm to his ears. “My buddy down the street delivered some today. Good guy he is.” He’s already ripping the bag open, seizing two pills. He shakes them in his fist like dice. Lays a hand out, fingers opening and spreading with a present in the middle. He smirks as he stretches his arm out to Tetsuo.
They pop them in unison.
They swallow, throat working. Kaneda felt something like contentment settle down in his bones when he knows the pill will spread into his system. Slowly catching on to the familiar feeling of it running into his blood, his veins, ready to take over. He’s gone a little too long without the feeling, he thinks. It settles in, and goddamn, the colors were bright. His eyes widen, his dark room feeling full, he feels fulfilled. He falls against the bed, head missing the pillow and lets his feet hang off the bed. God, what a feeling. He thinks it’d be cool to do it on a roof in the city, but he’d rather not fall off into the street (Tetsuo probably wouldn’t mind doing it himself, the thankless bastard). A party would be fine, but he did it too many times. He stares into the spaces between his broken fan. The cold sheets he lays on didn’t matter; he didn’t feel them, the murky colors of his room didn’t exist to him; he didn’t see them. He sees Tetsuo, though.
He isn’t sure how long it’s been, laying and mixing into the feeling. He figures it’s been long, when he watches setting sun rays strike into his room, passing his half-open red curtains, erasing the dim colors. He follows the line, and they point to Tetsuo’s face. Bright red spills onto him, darker red shadows cradling him. The sun offers warmth, and Kaneda feels it on his face, but it bleeds into his heart. He’s caught. When did Tetsuo ever look like that? He can only remember him as clumsy movements, frowns plastered, red scraped on his knees, and he almost chokes when he thinks pretty .
His sharply turns to look away when the warmth spreads even further, and it isn’t even on the surface of his skin. The sunlight isn’t even reaching that far. It’s not like when it’s a hot summer day, it’s like- he isn’t even sure what. He doesn’t know what he feels. All he knows is it spreads under his skin, pools in his chest, near his heart. Frustrated, he tugs at the sheet under him and sighs. What is that? What is that? What was that about?
Tetsuo was still lost to the world, and Kaneda thinks he should be floating in the same space. His hand was already reaching for the bag, he was too awake and aware to be thinking like this. Tetsuo isn’t pretty, he isn’t pretty.
-
The apartment they found the party in was alright. It was dirty and murky as fuck, but it was where the party was, where Kaneda can get lost and poke and prod where he went, ready to push anyone’s buttons (maybe leave with money, leave with a girl, leave with some regrets but that’s alright).
“Kaneda, I bet you can’t get that chick over there.” Takeyama bumped his shoulder with him, wedging himself between Kaneda and Tetsuo on the couch. “Hot as fuck.”
He glanced over his shoulder, and she was alright. An okay taste, he thinks. Blondes have been something Takeyama had a taste for though, he noticed. But he laughed loud, a cocky grin slapping itself across his face, “You want to put money on it, man?” He shoved his shoulder. A little displeased that he shoved himself in his space. Tetsuo raised an eyebrow at him. He smirked back. “What ‘bout you, Tets? Think I can?” He knows he can. He wanted to entertain Tetsuo since he’s been so quiet.
He shrugged, “You could.” He took a sip of his drink, and Kaneda tried to not stare at the muscles in his neck, tried to not trace it down to his collarbones. “Wouldn’t you want to pick her up yourself though, Takeyama?” Kaneda grinned, “Yeah, bud. Don’t you like her?” He found himself wanting to stay here, next to his friends, next to Tetsuo. That was new. He held back a grimace. What the fuck?
Takeyama scowled, and Kaneda already knew he wasn’t the best with the ladies. He’s seen it, made fun of him for it. “Hm?” He hummed out, challenging. Wanted him to take the bait and leave him alone.
“Whatever.”
He did (or didn’t), and sighed when he left. “Some annoying shit he can be.” He muttered, only to Tetsuo. He laughed into his drink, “Like you aren’t.” His shoulders shook and with him his knee bumped against Kaneda’s. He felt warmth spread from the contact point.
“C’mon. I only bet shit if I know I’ll win. Him? Don’t know.”
“So why didn’t you pick up the girl and take his money? Could’ve gotten cigs.” He mumbled out the last part. Kaneda knew it’s been a while.
He didn’t respond, because the answer felt too out of place for him. Felt too soft, not as rough. He didn’t want to fuck the girl, a new one for him, because he does it far too often, and two, he wanted to stay next to Tetsuo . He glared at his jeans. He almost wished he went after her or someone just to scrub it out, ignore the new void opening up under him, something he was unfamiliar with. He swirled his drink around. Considered his options. It was bad, both were bad. One gave him money but he had to pick up a girl he knew he wasn’t much interested in (it didn’t matter who, because he knows, god, he knows what, who , he wants). The other meant sitting here, sifting through his emotions. He frowned. He clapped his hand on his shoulder and grinned, a false grin, but one nonetheless, “I’ll go get the money. See you.” He avoided Tetsuo’s confused stare, filled with something he didn’t want to examine. That meant staring at him and knowing he might slip.
The girl was okay. Dark hair, cut short above her shoulders, rounded cheeks, a small smile. She was nice, she was okay. Of course, he betted on her to Takeyama, and of course (an idiot he was) he agreed. And of course, he wasn’t interested. Maybe the girl looked up at him with stars, maybe looked up with wonder that he decided to hit on her, but it was all too blurry. Taking her to an empty bed, filled with regrets from others (his own joined them too) happened, but he ignored that, too focused on what she reminded him of, like a slap to his face, a knee kick to his stomach. He choked.
Tetsuo asked what made him so white, when he came back zipping his pants. He stood next to him, with Kaisuke already occupying his old spot. “Nothin’.” He didn’t believe him, asking again, this time: “Why was it so quick? Was it you or her?” Oh he entertained Tetsuo alright. He idly traced the torn threads of the couch. Kaisuke gave a laugh that made Kaneda want to curl inwards, because he felt oh so out of place. Why why why was he acting so?
“She was pretty, but she- she didn’t know what to do.” He lied through his teeth, knowing that he was the one who bailed, fumbling and whispering sorry’s. He was sober, too aware of this new thing ready to swallow him whole. Somehow, he managed to pick both of the bad options. He failed to capture Tetsuo’s curious eyes, who noticed the pause and stutter in his voice. Kaisuke didn’t and continued to poke at Kaneda, saying maybe you’ll get someone else next time.
He left with the money burning in his pocket. He handed that rue money to a cashier the next morning and bought a pack of cigarettes (for you know who). He left them at his apartment door, a small smile breaking when he heard him quietly laugh from around the corner (ding dong ditch, hm?). The money was worth it (that laugh was worth it).
-
He hasn’t seen Tetsuo for a week, when he later figured out he came down with a cold from Yamagata. He assumed it’s from the ride back from the party, as the bastard failed to dress for the night chill. He weighed his options of whether he should stay and hang with the rest of the gang, or go bother Tetsuo.
He jangled his keys and already picked the latter, shoving Kaisuke and Yamagata good-heartedly as a goodbye (he already been hanging around them for the past week, anyway).
The ride was a race against himself, if he can be quick enough to arrive at Tetsuo's apartment or if his rising urge to bail out last minute (again, again, why have you been bailing so much? ) due to emotions will win, eugh. He still didn’t know who won when he parked, nor when he walked up the stairs and was already knocking. Tetsuo will be the deciding factor.
Seeing his familiar grin was enough to convince him to stay (he won).
“Heard you were sick.” He allowed himself in, dropping down onto the worn-out couch. “Yama told me.” He pulled his hoodie off, balling it up and throwing it to Tetsuo. He caught and shook his head.
“It wasn’t anything. Some flu or cold.” He draped it over the couch arm. He stood there for a while, contemplating something. Kaneda’s hand twitched with the urge to smooth out the furrow in his brow. “What?” He wanted to know what was in Tetsuo’s mind.
“Nothing. Want a cigarette?” His mind snapped back to the cigarette pack he left on the floor, panic rising up, confusingly. “Sure.” He mumbled out, picking at a thread in his jeans.
Tetsuo was already handing him one, and he grabbed it, let it hang from his mouth as he watched Tetsuo light his up. It felt too oddly intimate as he lit his own up, hanging from between his lips, avoiding his eyes and staring at his newly acquired cigarette.
Tetsuo slumped down next to him, fingers drumming on his knees, nervous energy bouncing around him. “Uh, did you get these for me?” He gestured to the cigarette pack. “I saw it on my doorstep. Last week. The morning after the party.”
There was something, jeez, there was something in his voice that made Kaneda want to say yes I did - but the other side, the flip side that made Kaneda want to second guess it all. What if? He felt sucker-punched. He remembered it, of course he did. The stupid girl that reminded him too much of the person sitting next to him, bailing out on her from the pure fear that gripped and shook him, the feeling of uneasiness, the feeling of being swallowed whole. The ride back, something that he accepted, the reason why he sought out Tetsuo.
“No, I didn’t.”
He might’ve refused to ever admit it, too.
“Oh.” Tetsuo stared at him, “Hm. I wonder who left them.”
“Maybe some girl is admiring you.” He teased, but he knew that it was him, annoyingly. Tetsuo laughed, shoving at him, “You wish it was you she was admiring.” He wished it was Tetsuo. He shoved it out of mind. No.
He pushed back, laughing as he coughed around the smoke, “Once she sees me, she will be.” He felt Tetsuo roughly poke into his side. He grabbed his hand, and pushed it towards the other end of the couch, “Hey, bud, I’d rather not hack up my lungs.”
Tetsuo scoffed, “Baby.”
He kicked at his knee. Tetsuo jerked, but settled into his corner of the couch. “Can you open the door?”
“Why can’t you do it?”
“You kicked my knee and broke it.” He smiled. Kaneda glared at him and got up to open it anyway. He collapsed back onto the couch, putting a bit more wear into it. His eyes traced the swirls of the smoke, a little fascinated by the curling and lazy turns and twists in it (he wondered what drugs would make it look like). The urge he had to leave slowly left, contentment and ease taking its place. He thought about the first time he took a drag of cigs, his eyes enamored by the smoke, a little in awe that it came from him. Then Tetsuo, Tetsuo who had always been there, near him, around him, watching. He remembers it was both their first time, somehow, he can’t remember, they snatched a pack and decided to smoke one. How long has he known Tetsuo? He’s always been there. They were 19, now. Did he always feel like this, around him? He can’t remember. He doesn’t want to.
Tetsuo nudged him out of the storm brewing in his head, mumbling out, “It’s late. I’m getting tired.” Kaneda recalled that he just finished being sick. He shoved his smoke into the ashtray. “Alright.” He felt off-balance, unsure after being thrown out of his head. It’s been happening far too often. “Can I crash here?”
He nodded, “Sure.”
They’ve laid in the same bed before, laid on the same couch popping pills, and crashed on beds together. Kaneda felt restlessness spread through him, suddenly on edge for sleeping in the same bed as Tetsuo. He knew he would have to fess up if he said no, because it would nod to his slightly odd attitude since the party (he knows how to keep himself in check, alright?). He shoved his hands in his jeans, picking at the lint in them. He cursed himself for feeling so fucking strange.
He followed Tetsuo to his room, chills racing up his spine. He mumbled out goodnight to him and sighed when he hit the pillows. Kaneda stood on the other side. He stared, caught again. He glared at the moon, through windows situated above Tetsuo’s bed, and silently cursed it out too. It was softer than the first time, moonlight flooding onto him and it felt like the moon teased him, asking you really want to pass up on telling him soon? He bitterly grumbled back yes. He thought, considering again: … maybe.
He wasn’t known for backing down on challenges, but this one was by his own doing. He knew he wouldn’t leave this alone anytime soon.
He had dreams of Tetsuo, bathed in sunlight and moonlight.
-
He hanged around Tetsuo the rest of the day, oddly comforted by the gentle domesticity of it. They ate breakfast in silence, watched movies. There were no pills, no drinks, no cigarettes. It was new to Kaneda, who breathed it. He wasn’t entirely sure on why he stayed with him, spent his day with him when he could easily leave and find Kaisuke to blow some money on booze. It was nearing evening, when Tetsuo offered up the idea of going for a night drive.
“Sure. Can we finish this up, then we’ll go?” Kaneda watched as explosions and fight scenes played out, leaning further into the couch that he already carved out to fit him. He turned his head and saw Tetsuo nod. He was slumped down further than him, with his feet propped up on the coffee table. He eyed him out the corner of his eye and watched as his throat moved to drink down water, a sliver of water sliding down before he wiped it off. He snapped his eyes to the shitty tv. Goddamnit. Goddamnit, why .
The movie ended an hour later. Tetsuo was awake, surprisingly. He sat up and peered at Kaneda, who was buried under a blanket. “Ready?” He groaned, throwing a hand over his eyes, because the couch was oddly comfortable, but he got up anyway.
They cruised this time towards an empty highway, leading out to the outskirts of the city, to finally Old Tokyo. Living in the city became much, sometimes. Kaneda wouldn’t choose anywhere else to live though.
He stood near the edge of an overpass, overlapping another stretch of highway. His eyes scanned the old ruins of a city he never lived in, knowing he was looking at someone’s old apartment, someone’s old favorite bar, was strange.
“Okay?” Tetsuo stood a little ways behind him. Kaneda quietly stood, listening to the quiet crackling of the metal, their bikes cooling. “Yeah.” He continued to glance over the ruins, counting out the greens and trees adapting to the new mountains of ruins, old skyscrapers holding on, and sharp cracks, burrowing into a new home. He felt Tetsuo stand beside him, his shoulder brushing his, peering down onto the next highway below them. He kept his eyes on the city. His mind drifted off to Tetsuo, always to Tetsuo. He thought about the night before, the night of the party, the night of when he first noticed, when sunlight spilled in and highlighted the thing that has always been a constant in his life. Would he ever tell? What would the consequences be, anyway?
He felt Tetsuo shuffle next to him, the same nervous energy he saw from before rising. He waited until he spoke. “You’ve, um, you’ve been acting a bit odd.” He breathed in the night air, chilled.
“Like?”
“Well, the party was one. Then, I saw you staring at me a few nights before. You get quiet, sometimes. It’s weird.” Kaneda sucked in a breath. Did he catch him staring at him? When they took those pills? He didn’t notice, and cursed himself.
“Are you alright?”
No. No he wasn’t. He figured out he has a thing for his best friend, and he is still too scared to admit it. It was weak, wasn’t it? His silence was enough of an answer, a quiet admission that he has something up. If he told him, jeez, he might leave. Leave Kaneda with feelings choking him up, stopping him on the highway. He swallowed, unsure, scared, nervous. Tetsuo nudged him, he turned and he got caught. The third time, he was hooked again. It was the stupid, god, the stupid moonlight. Softer lighting, highlighting him again, trapped on his rounded cheeks and mess of a hair, trapped on the tip of his nose and darkened his eyes. He realized it wasn’t really the moonlight or the sunlight, he just saw Tetsuo as pretty .
“Kaneda?”
He grabbed the nape of his neck, rubbed a thumb into his neck, and kissed him.
Tetsuo gasped into his mouth, and Kaneda craved more, more, more. He felt Tetsuo gently push him away from the edge, breaking them away. He looked flushed, confused and surprised. He left his hands on Kaneda’s shoulders while he dropped his own hand from the back of his neck. He didn’t run, he wanted to see this through, curious if this would be the thing that broke them apart after years. He stared, a little surprised he did something like that, but he was known for being a little reckless, a little less caring.
“I- Well, that was what was up with me.” Kaneda mumbled out, slowly feeling shame settle in. He could’ve handled that better.
Tetsuo nodded. “Oh.”
Kaneda nodded in return. What now?
“Hey, I didn’t- we could-” He got cut off, a sound leaving his throat to be muffled by Tetsuo, a kiss smacked onto his lips, hard. He quickly recovered, felt warmth spread, wrapped around his chest, slithered to capture his heart. He smiled into the kiss, suspended in relief, held Tetsuo’s neck and kept him in place. He sighed when he broke off, smile kept in place when he heard Tetsuo laugh, soft and quiet.
“You could’ve said something sooner.” He opened his eyes. It felt new, something so entirely new it shocked him. Was that- god- what being in love felt like?
“Sure, Tetsuo. You could’ve too.” He dropped his hands down to his wrists, circling around the bone protruding out. Jeez, why didn’t he? He could’ve had this sooner.
“You kept being weird.”
“Now you know, so whatever.” He couldn’t keep the smile off his face, leaning forward to bury it into Tetsuo’s neck. “I did buy you the cigarettes.”
“So, you were the admirer?”
“Whatever.” He pinched Tetsuo’s side and reveled in the laugh (that he made, he made!)
He quietly thanked the sun and moon, but he figured it was a long time coming.