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It was cold and the wind flung sand into his eyes. But it didn’t matter. None of it mattered.
He was in fucking Heaven, and he was still as miserable as he’d been on Earth. Bobby was here. Ellen and Jo were here. Charlie was here. Even his parents were here for some goddamn reason.
Which, yeah, should have been enough for him. He finally got his wish. Toes in the sand with his family around him.
A sharp gust of wind blew across the beach and he got a mouthful of sand that had him coughing, collapsing to his knees into the cold sand. He shivered slightly and took a sharp breath.
It wasn’t enough. He was a stupid fucking idiot who couldn’t be happy. Who would never be happy knowing that somewhere out there Cas was alive, Cas wanted him, and he had fucked things up too badly for him to ever come back.
“He always comes back,” he whispered, his throat dry. “He has to come back.”
The words sounded empty as they were carried away on the wind. Cas wouldn’t come back. Not this time. Dean had stood there like a fucking idiot as Cas poured his fucking heart onto the ground at his feet. He’d just stood there, unable to understand what was going on, unable to even respond until it was too late.
He dug his hands into the sand and made a fist, wincing as the coarse grains cut into his hand. The waves beat against the heavenly beach, gray water foaming against the sand.
He should have just said something. He should have just said that he loved him too, that he couldn’t say when it started but it had been years, that there was no way he could escape it and he didn’t care because Castiel was the best thing that had ever happened to him.
But, no. He’d begged Cas not to do it. For the first time ever, he’d begged Cas to stay. And it had sounded like he didn’t care. Like he was casting him aside, taking the perfect gift he’d been given and throwing it away.
Cas thought they couldn’t have it. Cas thought they couldn’t fucking have it when it was the one thing they both wanted.
“We could have,” he muttered. “We fucking can.”
He folded his hands in front of him and let his eyes slide shut slowly.
“Cas,” he whispered above the sound of the waves. “Cas, please say you can hear me. Please,” he choked on the word and clenched his jaw. “We need to talk,” he squeezed out through gritted teeth.
The tide was starting to rise. Each wave now came nearly to his knees, leaving white foam behind it. He idly reached out a hand and dragged it through the wet sand, mind searching for the words. The words that would make this all okay. That would fix his unfixable mistake.
“I,” he took a shaky breath, “I need you to know. I didn’t- God, Cas you can’t just say shit like that. People don’t say shit like that to me. I don’t deserve-”
He cut off as another wave crashed on the shore, lapping up toward him and soaking his jeans. It was freezing but it grounded him, bringing him back to the cold, windy beach and away from the dungeon in the bunker.
“But maybe I’m starting to believe it. Maybe I’m starting to believe that I’m not complete shit. I still am. God, you didn’t know- But that’s the point, isn’t it? You did know. You fucking knew every goddamn fucked up thing I ever did and you still,” his voice broke and he cleared his throat, desperately holding back the tears burning behind his eyes.
Another wave beat against the sand, higher up on the beach, reaching all the way back to where his feet were curled behind him. He shivered again as it covered him, but the sound of the water receding steadied him.
His breathing was still shaky, still erratic, but he was calm, clear-headed. Wind ruffled his shirt and he took one last breath before going on. “You still came back, Cas. Why did you come back? Why did you keep coming back? How the fuck did you- Why the fuck did you still-”
“You know why.”
Dean whipped around and staggered to his feet, water pooling around his ankles before it disappeared. He rubbed his eyes as if the thing in front of him were a mirage, a cruel trick being played on him but no-
No, he was Heaven and Jack was in charge and maybe this could be-
“Don’t you know?” Cas added, spreading his hands and squinting in a way that sent Dean’s heart pounding.
“I don’t know, Cas,” he whispered. He couldn’t stop staring, couldn’t stop looking at him because if he blinked, if he looked away for one second then the angel would be gone again. And if that happened he definitely wouldn’t get him back. That time he would be past unfixable and right on to alone.
“I told you,” Cas said simply. “I love you. And if you’ll have me, I’ll always come back.”
Dean felt his cheeks heat up and his throat started to close. But he wouldn’t stand silently again. He couldn’t.
“I’ll-” A strong wind attacked the beach, stealing the words from his mouth, so he ran forward til he was right in front of Cas. Too close to Cas. “I’ll have you,” he whispered.
Dean wished he could save the frozen expression of shocked joy on Cas’ face for forever. As it was though, he barely looked at it for two seconds. That was how long it took him to close the gap between them, brushing their lips lightly together.
Cas let out a sigh, then, his shoulders dropping as his body relaxed. The waves crashed behind them, steady, beautiful, lovely. Then returning to the sea. Everything as it should be.
They just breathed into each other for a minute. Not touching. Impossibly close, yes. But still not touching. Then Dean reached up and pulled Cas flush against him with his arms, crashing their lips together with every ounce of desperation in him.
When they broke apart a second later, he couldn’t stop the grin splitting his face, the happiness bursting through him, clearing his mind of thoughts.
“I didn’t-” Cas started. “I never thought-” He stopped again, looking at Dean with an expression of pure wonder.
Dean gave him a lopsided grin and pulled him closer, hands slipping down to rest around Cas’ waist.
“Welcome to paradise, Castiel,” he laughed.
Cas blushed and his lips parted before he looked down at the sand covering their feet.
“I love you, Dean,” he said. “I love you,” he repeated louder. “I-”
Dean cut him off with another bruising kiss.
“I love you too, angel.”