Archive of Our Own

It’s peace and quiet.

How pitiful it is to be in the same boy-group, to live in the same building but you still have to watch him through the small screen to relieve sentiment. Jisung has been fiddling with every clip about Donghyuck he can find online since he had been left alone in his room.

Jisung is riveted on every Donghyuck's moving steps that in dance-practicing time he never tears his eyes away from. The younger is immersed in that unique soft voice that he directly hears every day. He’s also fascinated by the older's high-pitched aegyos for fans that whenever in public Jisung usually shows himself cringe at. Above all, Jisung is in love with the bright smile on the screen shining throughout his dim bedroom.

It's called insomnia. Donghyuck must have been sleeping, because after gaming, the younger had forced him to go to bed, even threatened that he would go to 127's dorm to check up on him. Hearing the older laugh on the phone made his heart melt (just a bit) (as always) (Jisung would deny after all), then Donghyuck hung up and left him here, mewling for another lonely night.

His bloodshot eyes feel hurt. Jisung is pretty sure this lifestyle's kinda harmful to his health, but he can’t sleep, then he turns off his phone and gets up.

When he has just arrived at the door, Jisung almost lets out a scream on account of a white thing standing right out there. Thanks to the weak lights from the hallway, he recognizes Donghyuck shuffling into his room. Jisung quickly gives up the idea of going to the living room, he turns around to hug his “small chocolate ball” to bed. They fall on the single bed which creaks and groans under the weight, but Jisung doesn’t give a shit. Donghyuck snuggles up to him (even though the older has said more than once that he was afraid of high temperature); his limbs wrapping around the younger.

Jisung just lays still, letting the older cuddle up against him. He brushes the brunette’s bangs out of his eyes, quietly shifting his body to hug the other more comfortably, fondly placing a kiss on the older’s aromatic hair. It’s sad but true that tomorrow morning he will ache all over, yet Jisung still accepts to willingly be a hug-pillow for Donghyuck, so the older can sleep well in his arms.

That’s all he wants for a lonely night.

It’s confession.

Jisung sympathizes with many people who are fond of his hyung. He can tell that everyone is falling in love with that heartthrob since the same thing has happened to him. The closer you are to Donghyuck, the more you love him. And Jisung also knows that he should be one step ahead before losing his one and only chance.

The dance room is always filled with some music and the scent of boys sweats. Jisung sits behind the phone's rear-facing camera, watching the older taking some small steps to create a short dance, yet it has taken him half an hour to finally send an 8-second video to fans. Although his wet T-shirt is sticking to his body, Donghyuck still smiles happily with ablaze eyes that seems like the brightest star in Jisung’s universe.

The brunette positions himself next to Jisung, resting his head on his shoulder. If there was a camera here, Jisung would shrug away and move to somewhere else quickly. However, the dance room is empty at that moment, then Jisung can steal some glances at the pink tone on the older’s tawny face, along with his small nose puffing up and down.

"Donghyuck hyung," Jisung lowers his voice, receiving a small hum. “What's your ideal type?” The weight on his shoulder disappears as Donghyuck lifts his head to look at him, then turns back to his phone, parting his lips.

“Nothing special, I don't think about that issue much these days, but it has to be someone who loves and respects me. Why do you ask though?” The question pops out, at the same time as Donghyuck gets a small kiss on his cheek. He turns around to look in the younger’s apologetic eyes in surprise.

“I-I’m sorry, I-I just want t-to tell you th-that I really- really like y-you…” Jisung bows his head, looks like a nervous big puppy with his closed eyes.

"Jisung-ah, please lift your face.” The younger slowly raises his head, followed by a soft pair of lips brushing the corner of his lips. It feels unreal. A fantasy.

But it’s real, the kiss is fucking real, it’s just Jisung can barely function. The younger is still stunned at hearing Donghyuck chuckle, his ears filling with the buzz.

“Babo, I like you too.” Donghyuck shakes his head and laughs, thoroughly watching the string of expressions on the boy’s face.

Suddenly Jisung leans over, with sparkling eyes likely to have been waiting for this moment for months. Years. “Hyung, can I kiss you?”

It’s obsession.

Donghyuck has soft heart-shaped pink lips. And Jisung is addicted to kissing him.

There are some pecks on the cheeks in the waiting room or behind the camera. Light touches in practice studios and dorms. Those ‘bobo’ jokes in front of everyone, especially the public. Countless gentle kisses on the sofa or in factory tinted cars. And lots of wet kisses in closed-door bedrooms.

The dorm door shuts as Jisung rushes forward too hastily to kiss the older. Longing for many days Donghyuck spent in America and he stayed at their homeland alone, Jisung pours all his emotions into that kiss. The bag in Donghyuck’s hand, fortunately not containing any fragile thing, is dropped to the ground since his hands pull the younger in closer.

Jisung tilts his head to deepen the kiss, wretched for slightly rough lips because of the cold outside. Donghyuck runs his fingers through the black hair, unconsciously holding onto some curls every time Jisung presses deeper. The younger seals the tiny space between them, kissing the other’s lips that he has longed for all this time. It tastes like honey and strawberry. Donghyuck pulls away, gapsing for air, his dazzling eyes placing on Jisung's face.

Only a second later, he pulls him in for another kiss, soft, hot, and hungry. Like there is no tomorrow. Like it's their last kiss. It startles Jisung, he doesn't expect the older to be this passionate since Donghyuck isn't a fan of deep-kissing. Nonetheless, Jisung doesn't waste his chance, his teeth biting the other's lips slightly, his tongue trying to part those clenched teeth, seeking for more sweetness. Donghyuck feels a wave of heat flow through his body, rising to his cheeks. His knees give in, along with his teeth, and by the time Donghyuck regains awareness, Jisung's tongue has slipped inside his mouth, gentle but demanding, and he can't help but let out a moan. Too much sensation. Donghyuck trembles, melting into Jisung's arms, thanks to his arms firmly draping around his frame that he doesn't fall.

If Donghyuck didn't go short of breath and they weren't standing at the dorm door, maybe their make-out session would last longer. The younger breaks away, licking his lips in regret. He still can feel the warmth of Donghyuck's breath and hot skin pressing against him, like the honey-and-strawberry taste still lingers on his lips. They fall into silence, just heavy breaths, tender touch and soft smiles. It feels wondeful, honestly, Jisung believes, to be able to kiss his boyfriend again. Nothing in the world matters now, only them. Only Donghyuck in his arms matters. Then an unexpected hiss makes the couple jerk up.

Jisung turns around, well, it turns out that his precious Jaemin hyung is standing there with his crossed arms. To be honest, if they were at 127's dorm, Taeyong or Doyoung or Johnny would ban Jisung from coming there - there's no way they would let the younger devour their treasured maknae’s lips like that. Holding the brunette’s hand tenderly, Jisung draws Donghyuck to the bedroom, even waving at Jaemin as the door slams closes. No one can stop this childish boy anymore, Jaemin shakes his head in disappointment.

It’s a bit jealous.

"Jisung, you’re acting weird." Donghyuck rebukes.

Earlier that day, he had asked for permission to sleepover in Dream’s dorm as he desperately wanted to hop into his lover’s lap. But when Donghyuck came, the others had just finished their meal, and Renjun told him that Jisung refused to have dinner. Perhaps he’s upset with you, the older said so.

Donghyuck frowned, rushing into the room to see the younger rubbing his red eyes at the computer screen. Since the afternoon, he hadn't answered any calls or texts, so Donghyuck thought the younger might be busy. However, it transpired that Jisung's sulky at him, at something that he even didn’t know. Nevertheless, Donghyuck managed to get his big boy out to the dining table, as everyone had left the kitchen for the young couple.

The older searches through the cupboards for ingredients to make ramyeon. He knows that the fastest way to please a teenage boy is through the stomach. Just a few weeks ago, Jisung even flaunted to Czennies that Haechan’s ramyeon was extremely delicious.

The ramyeon begins to smell good, Donghyuck can’t help but inhale in satisfaction. He looks at his lover as he reminds himself to restrain. Jisung usually shows him affection, completely in contrast with his tsundere vibe on the screen; but the younger's acting indifferent tonight, what's the reason then?

He puts the ramyeon bowl in front of Jisung, watching the younger thanking him and taking some chopsticks in silence. After a few minutes of frustration, finally, Jisung speaks out of turn. "I-" Jisung ruffles his hair, lips fluttering. "I know you like to tease the others, but-"

He exhales in annoyance, holding the phone in front of the older. Donghyuck's eyes widen, on the screen is a gif in which he’s persistently kissing the necks of some 127 hyungs.

Jisung, how cute you always are.

Donghyuck smiles and pulls Jisung's face closer, quickly placing a kiss on the boy’s lips. His laughters resound through the kitchen, "Are you jealous? Cute."

The older continues without waiting for a reply, "Have you ever seen me actively kiss someone on the lips? So don’t be that jealous, I even haven’t been jealous of you yet, you're so-" Donghyuck can’t finish his sentence as Jisung has leaned over to block him with his lips.

When Donghyuck is washing dishes and Jisung swinging on him like a giant koala, the younger buries his head on his neck and murmurs, "You have never been jealous of me?"

Donghyuck lightly hits Jisung’s hand on his waist, pouting and rolling his eyes. “If you don’t really love me, why did you confess to me? I’m not the type of getting jealous easily!”

It’s coddling.

Jisung strokes Donghyuck’s hair mildly, putting the Adidas bucket that the older loves to wear on his head, and even the hoodie hat on him. The brunette just sits there quietly, giggling as the younger rummages through the wardrobe to find clothes for him. Donghyuck has so many black clothes, hence Jisung always has to choose over everything to finally pull out his favorite. However, the younger just wants to put his boyfriend into his pocket so that no one would know or notice he has taken Donghyuck away.

They both wear masks and wrap scarves tightly before going out. Donghyuck watches the snow falling as he dances along with fluttering snowflakes. Jisung holds the older’s hand in his pocket, carefully pulling him next to him closely as if afraid of losing his bae. If they were in Korea, surely the younger would be the one running around. But they are in Japan, when Jisung doesn’t want to get lost, Donghyuck is exhilarated to go on a date with his boyfriend on a rare foreign occasion.

Walking along the street for a while, Donghyuck makes the taller stop by a stall, his little finger pointing to the ice cream roll board. "It’s very cold, what if you catch a cold, and we’re having a concert tomorrow!" Jisung coaxes him, but Donghyuck refuses, insisting on ice cream. He sighs, why sometimes this person becomes childish so suddenly. Notwithstanding his unhappy expression, Jisung still buys the matcha ice cream rolls as the older wants.

Donghyuck leads Jisung another ten meters to the gate of a secluded park, then he pulls down his mask and begins to eat happily. "Jisungie, try some, it's delicious!" The older is definitely sweetaholic and thermophobic, therefore ice-cream's his favorite all time.

Jisung humors his lover, taking a spoonful of cream. The tip of his tongue goes numb due to the cold, but with just a small kiss placed on his lips, Jisung surrenders to Donghyuck, continuing to eat ice cream with him without complaint.

It’s a small secret.

Jisung is standing behind the brunette, fluttering a decorative piece on Donghyuck's sleeve as he intends to hug the older; yet the camera-man suddenly turns to them, the younger hurriedly lowers his hand. Donghyuck is still busy discussing with the choreographer and manager, not paying attention to the big boy messing behind him.

"I think we should change the height a-ah!" Donghyuck is engrossed in conversation when he misses his step. He would land on the ground painfully but as luck would have it, he has fallen into Jisung’s spreading arms. Donghyuck watches two men standing in front of him laughing as he stands up, panicked, his cheeks flushing red even in the cool air-conditioned room.

"Alright Haechan, I think that's enough, we should take some rest." The choreographer smiles and turns away, leaving the manager with two boys.

"Watch out for the camera." The manager hyung reminds them, then leaves the couple alone, giving them some private minutes.

If the choreographer and manager didn’t stop working, Jisung would continue to cling to Donghyuck's back because there's no camera anymore. He hugs the brunette, plopping down on the sofa behind them as he kisses the older’s ear gently. Donghyuck groans (with a smile), flicking Jisung’s nose, then gets up and calls out to the choreographer. His kissed ear is all bright red now.

On the dark stage, Jisung nervously squeezes the older’s hand. Donghyuck reaches out to caress his fingers, comforting his worries when he is about to face the fans. We must perform with 100% of our energies, you have practiced a lot, I have worked very hard, everything will be fine. The lights are on, Donghyuck lets go of his hand, his big smile appears on the big screen and Jisung turns into a cute maknae.

This routine has become their lives, and everything will be fine.

Jisung rushes forward to hug Donghyuck as he has just run down from the stage. He only has half a minute to rest for the next dance break, nevertheless, Jisung desperately wants to kiss, and wants to embrace his little lover in his arms.

Their dance break idea is a big success, fanchant still echoes in his ears, his chest swelling with untold pride. All of a sudden, Donghyuck tiptoes and kisses his forehead, then lightly pushes him away as he smiles at him fondly. "Come on, it's your turn."

It’s anguish.

Jisung frowns at the notes, glancing at the computer screen with nearly dozens of tabs with tired eyes as he shakes his head. He has written lyrics frantically; after he regains his consciousness, he perceives that this page is just full of disordered letters. Jisung quickly crosses the notes out, listless by the thin paper torn from scratching.

Like how his heart was once broken into pieces.

The phone flashes a few notifications, Jisung rubs his eyes and presses the power button. His second phone, which never gets on air, is also something he persistently conserves. The home screen is still a photo of a familiar person who was asleep in the lounge, with pink lips pouting prettily. Jisung strokes the cheekbone on the screen, opening the message application unconsciously.

When he can think straight again, he realizes that he has sent a new message. Hyung ah, to [ loml ] . Messages can’t be unsent, Jisung hurriedly sends a few more letters.

[ loml ]: Okay.

A simple word and a full stop. Jisung leans against the back of his chair, trembling; he has no more tears to cry. The pain in his heart has never eased, this yearning has never disappeared. He crumples the paper up and throws it in the trash. The wish to produce music with his hyung is etched on his memory even now. Jisung shakes his head slowly. That's all, it’s over.

It’s nostalgia.

Jisung is dragging his suitcase along the airport to find the entrance since he is flying to Japan alone. There’s no longer the 14-year-old boy who debuted with curly hair and depended on his hyungs so much. Currently, Park Jisung is one of the most talented and successful male solo artists in Korea, like his seniors as his company wants. Unlike some people of his age who have gone through many dating rumors and scandals, perhaps Jisung will forever be an obstinate child in his safety circle.

A few memories of those old times out of nowhere come flooding back over him. The day Donghyuck left, he kissed Jisung in the private restroom, tears mixed with salty kisses. The older once said they would be alright. As the couple came to the final gate, Jisung reluctantly let Donghyuck go, yet his heart had never moved on.

At the moment, he is wearing an overcoat that was almost the same color as the one Donghyuck wore when he left, wrapping around his neck the scarf that Donghyuck gave him. Jisung must look exactly like him on that day, lonely in this hustle-and-bustle airport.

His mind floats in memories, recalling the first time he met the older, the corners of his eyes were hot with tears. Lee Donghyuck back then was sunburned and plump, yet his smile has never stopped making others flutter. Jisung still can’t understand the reason why the public criticized the older’s appearance on the day he was officially announced to be in the SMRB; because the first time he saw Donghyuck, he could realize the older’s attractiveness immediately.

How can he forget that first time meeting? Donghyuck took the younger to the restroom as Jisung wondered about what his new hyung was intending. "Can- can you dance for me? I want to watch you dance." Donghyuck scratched his head with a shy smile, his white teeth flashing behind his strangely pretty lips.

Jisung nodded silently, waiting for the older to play some music. He did body-popping naturally as Donghyuck admired his early talent. "You dance so well at that young age!" He handed the younger a bottle of water with a big smile. Jisung closed his eyes, feeling soft fingers caressing his head until the older joked like lightning across his ear "But your singing is bad, you have to work harder!”

It’s intransigence.

Behind the stage, Jisung’s watching the other’s performance intently through the full-angle projection screen. He must have heard Haechan’s solo song hundreds of times, and he can never help but get emotional every time. This is also the first time Jisung listens to the song live; even if he can't watch the stage frontally, his emotion’s still the same.

I won’t forget the tears you cry
Do you still have my heart?

Jisung looks up at the man who’s less than ten meters away. Haechan is wearing a white outfit, sitting on a three-legged stool; a single light bulb illuminates him while he is humming the song that has marked his name. Haechan turns into an angel shining brightly on the stage, the only one who can light up his dark world.

"Jisung, next is your turn. Get ready." Hearing the mention of his name, he regretfully moves deep into the backstage, preparing to stir the whole concert after Haechan's sad love song.

Old songs are saved for the new generation since the first one only focuses on their solo ones. Jisung has mastered his one a thousand times, as the melody and movements are engraved in his mind. He has successfully aroused the excitement, brought the concert to bursting with emotion, as usual.

The concert lasts for 4 hours but for Jisung it’s too short; he watches the fireworks fall like the first snowflakes of the winter as he slowly moves around the stage to greet fans. Jisung is busy looking around, so he bumps into someone who is also the person he has wanted to meet for a long time.

"Jisung, your performance was undoubtedly great." At this close distance, Jisung realizes that the older has changed a bit. The time that Donghyuck's away has made his skin more tanned, his hair cut shorter, but his voice is still beautiful and that radiant smile is the same as before.

Jisung wants to ask him a lot of things, how are you, is everything okay, is there anything new in your life, are you about to come back, do you remember me, do you still love- But Donghyuck has spoken first, then Jisung bows his head, "Thanks, yours is amazing too."

Sincerely, your song is very good, wonderful, perfect, a masterpiece; there aren't enough aesthetic words for Jisung to use for his song and Donghyuck himself. Members moving around the stage push Donghyuck forward, so the older smiles at him and continues his path. Once more, he has left Jisung behind with thousands of questions that the younger has no chance to ask.

Therefore, after leaving the stage, Jisung hurriedly looks for the familiar figure among many people and rooms. When desperation is about to knock him down, Jisung finds himself in front of the locker room, with an instinct urging him to come in.

And there Donghyuck is, with casual jeans and a t-shirt, hanging his performance outfit on the rack. Jisung is dumbfounded at the door, choking with mixed feelings.

Hearing noises, Donghyuck turns his head to the door, squinting at the taller. "Jisung ah? Come in, please close the door." The younger quickly complies, awkwardly walking closer to him. Donghyuck speaks as his gaze fixes on Jisung. "It's been a long time since we last met."

How long has it been? Six months, a year, two years, or five years? Jisung doesn’t remember clearly; he has lost the concept of time, but he knows that any amount is enough for a person to let love go and start a new life. The younger murmurs with a bitter smile, "Yeah, it's quite a long time."

"Are you fine?" The question seems full of concern, which in Jisung's ears is similar to common courtesy.

What does fine mean, hyung. Every morning, I still wake up, working industriously like a robot running at full capacity. After a long day, I collapse in my studio at midnight, indescribably pitiful. If fine means to have influence and affluence, then yes, yes, I'm fine .

No, I’ve never been fine. Since the day you stopped contacting me, those proactive messages and video calls were lessened and disappeared, I've never been fine.

Jisung is trembling, but he still holds his smile, wordlessly biting his lips, "I'm fine, you must be too." He receives a hum from the older, this time, everything completely ceases. Jisung never expects their ending to be so bitter.

"Hyung," Donghyuck raises his head to look at the man in front of him, a familiar scent of perfume wafts over his nose. Jisung holds the older’s hands, the fingers that have been delicate and a little chubby are now bonier with some calluses. The younger caresses his finger joints, eyes filled with sadness fixing on Donghyuck’s round pupils.

I still love you so much, I really miss you, can we come back like before. He has so many things he wants to say, but the only thing coming out of his mouth is "I still like you." Hot tears roll down his cheeks, Jisung shuts his eyes and lowers his head as he listens to silence.

A pair of soft lips pressing against his cheek gently makes the younger startle. Donghyuck has just tiptoed and kissed him on the cheek. His watery eyes are sparkling as he lightly squeezes Jisung’s hands like back in the day they were on stage and performed alongside the other.

And he takes a step back, appearing to have crushed the younger’s heart again. "We used to be strangers, we used to be brothers, we used to be lovers. That's all, Jisung, that's all ."