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one, two, three, haknyeon stared at his reflections at the wall mirror infront of him. forehead slicked with sweat, he rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, trying to cool himself down after the choreography.
he felt numb.
he no longer recognised the person staring back at him. eyes sunken, heavy eye bags, and bruises painting the knuckles of both his hands.
red lines that littered the expanse of his forearms and thighs, stinging from the sweat that tricked across them.
" hyung? " he turned to the source of voice, to find eric standing at the doorway, eyes holding a million of emotions.
all haknyeon could do was to offer a smile, one that didn't reach his eyes, before trudging to the stereo to off the music. he could hear the younger walking towards him, the rustling sound of plastic accompanying.
" stop hurting yourself please, "
" i cant, "
the next day, was an off day for the boyz. the dorm was noisy as it always were, with kevin and jacob being in charge for lunch, everyone else was assigned to house chores.
well except haknyeon and hyunjae.
both boys were laying side by side on thr older's bed, just the soft sound of breaths in the room.
" come back hak, " hyunjae whispers, as he turn to face the boy, who instead has his eyes shut.
" come back to us please, " he continues, shaking the unconscious boy, noticing how his face was loosing colour at every passing second.
sitting up immediately, he yelled out for sangyeon while throwing off the blanket the younger was cocoon in.
pushing back the strands of hair from haknyeon's forehead, hyunjae then started stripping the younger out from his sweater.
" what happened? " the leader asked as he walked in, panic clearly written on his face.
" he just stopped breathing, please get a bucket of water, we just need to wake him up, " hyunjae urges, pulling haknyeon up to a sitting position and-
" are those c-cuts? "
with the room light lighting up the whole room, it clearly shone on the unconscious figure, openly displaying the cuts on haknyeon's forearm and stomach.
" hyung, please just help me out, please !" hyunjae pleaded, tears already running down his cheeks as sangyeon and younghoon rushed forward.
grabbing a wet washcloth, the leader wiped it on the younger's face, muttering apologies at every passing second.
no one said a word.
no one knew what to say.
" did you know about this? " younghoon asked, as he helped to push away the stray hairs from haknyeon's forehead.
" yeah, "
" and you didn't think to tell us? "
" i couldn't, "
when haknyeon woke up, he woke up to the face of a crying sunwoo.
the younger who was currently, sobbing and biting into the collar of his shirt, trying to push down his sniffle.
" stop crying sunwoo-ah, " haknyeon rasped out,
" you passed out hyung, "
" i should've died back there, save your tears, " the older wince out, before turning to face the wall, not being able to bear the stare from the younger.
haknyeon should've had died. he shouldn't have survived from his attempt. he overdosed himself. it was a painless attempt for him to regain his inner peace.
and yet it didn't work.
because now he's awake, to a stabbing pain in his lower abdomen and a crying sunwoo.
and god knows whats waiting for him outside the door.
" w-what do you mean- "
" i want to die sunwoo, im tired, have you seen me? im ruining myself, " he replies, sucking in a sharp breath.
the door opened before the younger could reply, sangyeon and the manager coming into view.
he could see the peeping eyes of the other members behind the two, and he just wished he could turn and hide but he couldnt.
he was stuck.
he felt stuck.
" you cant leave us haknyeon-ah, " the manager speaks up first,
" you need to stay strong for us, ple- "
" dont you think thats what ive been doing?! " haknyeon screams,
" ive been trying for you guys! i tried to so hard to be okay! but i cant, okay? i just- im getting tired, " he cries out, his throat wretching out sobs as he cries into the palms of his hands.
haknyeon could feel the searing pain from the cuts he inflicted on his stomach and he could only cry out more before he was pulled sideways to sunwoo.
gentle hands soothed the back of his head as haknyeon allowed himself to cry into the chest of his friend.
for once he allowed himself to let free.
the sound of the heart monitor brought no peace to the members of the boyz.
they were on the edge, as they gather around the couch area, trying to listen in to what the doctor was saying to the manager.
haknyeon was laid on the hospital bed, face relaxed as the iv drip replenished the nutrients in his system.
his arms were properly bandaged now, along with the cast around his abdomen.
" guys, i have news on haknyeon, " the manager starts once the doctor left, making everyone stand on their feet.
" hes going to be okay, the doctor said the overdose left no severe damaged, but he's being prescribed with anti depressants for now, "
" hak's depressed? " eric whispers,
" with all the signs and symptoms he had displayed, yes he is, "
when night came, only hyunjae and sunwoo left to stay, as the rest went back home to rest.
" look at me sunwoo, " the older says, when he noticed the rapper zoning out.
" sunwoo-ya, " he tries again, smiling a little when it gained a response this time.
" he's going to be okay, trust me, " hyunaje assures, ruffling his hair.
the boyz were on their fifth run through when the door to their practice room opened, and three familiar faces came into view.
" haknyeon! " everyone cheered, but eric beat to it, sprinting forward to pick up the older into a hug.
" you fucker, dont do that again, " eric cries out, arms tight around haknyeon's waist as he hides his face in the crook of his neck.
the older could chuckle before soothing the back of the maknae, smiling as the others come by to give a side hug.
he could see chanhee crying in the corner and he felt himself starting to choke up in tears.
" im so sorry, " haknyeon whispers,
" im so sor- "
" - shhh, it's not your fault haknyeon-ah, " sangyeon cuts in bringing the two into his embrace, letting the vocalist cry.
sangyeon urge changmin to help chanhee as he urge the rest to get snacks for break time, all the while trying to calm the two younger members.
the room was silent except for the sound of sobs coming from the three.
slowly waddling them to the side, sangyeon slowly bend down, urging the two to do the same before they all sat down.
" you ready to talk to me now? " the leader asked, once eric has released his hold on the older.
earning a nod from haknyeon, sangyeon hummed, asking him to start.
" i've been feeling down, and i didnt know how to cope with it so i c- uh - cut myself, " the vocalist whispers,
" and it's been happening for years and i thought it was just the normal idol stress that leads to sadness but then i couldn't take it, and- and, "
" that's when you attempted, " eric continues for him, holding the other's hand tight in his.
hearing that statement out from another person, made haknyeon realise it all. realised the horrible thing he did. and all that left him feel miserable as he started crying again.
"shh, its okay, you're gonna be okay hyung, " eric assures, wiping the tears from the boy's cheeks.
four months forward, the boyz were packed to the brim with back to back schedules.
setting their in ear and pocket mics to the tray prepped by the entrance, stylists rushed to the idols to help cool them off with battery operated fans.
" okay guys, van comes in half an hour, get changed and be ready, " manager yells out earning an ' okay ' back from eleven individuals.
the back room was busy with them trying to change out and having their make up wiped off, but no one was tensed.
instead everyone was very much overjoyed, especially knowing that their haknyeon was feeling better.
the boy in question was in an english battle with kevin, each trying to come up with adjectives all while switching out into their home clothes.
hyunjae could see the pink scars on haknyeon's stomach, but now instead of being worry, he felt at ease.
haknyeon was no longer hurting.
" hah! i beat you to it moon hyeongseo! " the younger laughs, running away to changmin when the canadian screams in mock anger.
haknyeon is gonna be okay.