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Baekhyun shows up at Kyungsoo’s door when he should probably be asleep, but finds that he’s sitting in bed reading something instead. Kyungsoo looks up at him. He must look like a mess. “Hey,” he says.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo echoes. He lowers his book. “How are you feeling?”
Oh. The question is simple, but Baekhyun feels it like a flood in his chest. “Um...”
There’s a beat of silence before Kyungsoo pats beside him. “Come here.”
Wordlessly, Baekhyun follows the instruction and sits beside him, but it doesn’t take long for him to cave and lean against his shoulder. “You’re reading?” Kyungsoo hates reading.
“Yeah. Jongin kept bugging me to read this book... he said it’s really good.”
“Is it?”
Kyungsoo shrugs. “I skimmed the last twenty pages.”
Impossibly, Baekhyun laughs. The expression doesn’t last, but he feels a little different now. It’s been a while since he laughed.
“Are you done hiding away?” Kyungsoo asks, opening his book again. Before, Baekhyun would have thought it was because he wasn’t paying attention, but after an argument over it that ended in him bursting into tears Kyungsoo told him it was because he didn’t want him to feel pressured when talking about his feelings. After some thought, the action did make things less hard.
“I don’t know,” Baekhyun says. He kind of likes the way Kyungsoo said it. ‘Hiding away.’ Like he was far from reality, or drifting, or something. It makes his period of seclusion seem more magical than isolating.
Hiding away was something he did on occasion. As much as he painted himself as an extrovert, the truth was that he needed time alone when things became too much. Kyungsoo was like that too, and maybe that was what made things easier. They were dating, but they knew how to give each other space. They lived together, even shared a room, but had a separate one for when they needed time on their own. It was different from other relationships Baekhyun had because it was freedom with companionship. He could do his own thing and know that someone was there supporting him, even from a distance. It was comforting.
Still, as time went on it seemed like there was a difference between his and Kyungsoo’s isolation. After a point Kyungsoo only needed time away from others. Not from Baekhyun. And while it makes him feel special, he feels terrible because his version of alone time is absolute. He loves Kyungsoo; it’s just that he wants to be in his head sometimes.
Baekhyun breathes out. As usual, his boyfriend says nothing, just lets him think. He loves Kyungsoo for so many reasons but especially because he understands what he himself can’t. Why he’s like this... and why maybe it’s okay.
“I don’t know if I’m done,” Baekhyun says finally. “I want to be.”
Kyungsoo hums for him to continue, but something makes him falter.
Maybe he doesn’t want to say anything. Or maybe Kyungsoo doesn’t even want to hear it if he did. Maybe he’s just being polite, stuck with the obligation of a boyfriend, always having to deal with Baekhyun’s polarity. Didn’t he fall in love with his brighter self? This side of him... maybe it’s something he should just hide away.
Besides, Baekhyun thinks, he doesn’t ask. He’ll listen, but he doesn’t ask. Isn’t that a sign that he’s secretly hoping he won’t rant to him? It makes sense, and anyway, even Baekhyun wouldn’t want to listen to—
“Baekhyun?”
“Y-yeah? Sorry. It’s nothing.”
Predictably, Kyungsoo doesn’t reply. He’s waiting for him to say something again, Baekhyun knows, but that just makes his heart sink.
“I think I’ll go to sleep. I’m kind of tired anyway.” He’s rambling. There’s warmth behind his eyes that he’s surprised at; he hasn’t managed to cry for the time that he’s holed himself away.
“Okay...”
“Good night,” Baekhyun says, standing. Every step towards the door makes it feel like his chest is imploding bit by bit. His vision is becoming blurry, and he fights to keep it under control.
He’s reaching for the doorknob when Kyungsoo’s voice stops him. “Baekhyunnie.”
The nickname, so sudden, makes him freeze. “Yeah?”
“I... want to do what I can for you. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is watch over you, and I don’t know what else to do at times like these. But somehow... this time, is it alright for me to ask you stay?”
Baekhyun swallows. He doesn’t move.
“You can tell me no,” Kyungsoo says quickly. “I just feel like I need to ask this time. I don’t know. You’re worrying me.”
“I’ll stay,” Baekhyun says after a moment. When he turns Kyungsoo’s expression shifts, and without saying anything he opens his arms for Baekhyun to collapse into.
He was stupid. Really stupid. Of course Kyungsoo cares. It was his way of showing it that he let Baekhyun have his time by himself without asking, because he trusted him to tell him himself. He should have told him. Every time like this he should have.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Baekhyun says against his chest. “I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Jongdae and I had a plan from months ago to go out this weekend and I couldn’t.”
“That’s okay,” Kyungsoo says. “He understands.”
“I don’t get why I’m like this. It’s on and off. I feel happy for a while and I’m okay and then it’s back to this again.” Kyungsoo squeezes his arm reassuringly and it gives him enough courage to continue. “I can’t even play piano anymore,” he says. “I can’t get the energy to. And it’s all I am, Kyungsoo. Without it, I...”
“It isn’t all you are,” Kyungsoo tells him. “You’re so much more than that. Even more than how you feel now, too. It’s okay to feel like this for as long as you need. Don’t be so hard on yourself for being a person, Baekhyunnie.”
He feels exhausted all of a sudden. With his remaining energy he says, “How can you deal with me when I’m like this? I don’t understand you.”
“Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo pulls back, wiping away his tears just to make him look at him. “I love you no matter how you are. Because all of it is you. Did you know? When you’re happy, you’re so happy. I can’t do anything but smile when you’re smiling. That version of you is you just as much as this is. So it’s okay. I want to love all of you, no matter what.”
Somehow, he’s managed to say what Baekhyun didn’t even know he needed to hear. Maybe he shouldn’t be so surprised. This is Kyungsoo he’s talking about, with all the miscommunication and differences but with every ounce of effort and love too. “I’m sorry,” Baekhyun finds himself saying.
“Don’t be sorry,” Kyungsoo says fondly. He kisses his forehead. “I wish I said this sooner.”
It’s really, really hard for Baekhyun to let go of these feelings, although he wants to, but he thinks that maybe he doesn’t have to. Kyungsoo makes him feel like that. Like it’s okay to be gloomy and depressed and not okay sometimes. Like it’s okay to just let himself feel. Like he’ll support him through it, love him with it, and stay with him in spite of it.
Somehow, Baekhyun believes it.