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“I don’t know what else to say to you,” Baekhyun says. “You always have something to say. There’s always something wrong.” He laughs. It’s a bitter sound. “Is there anything right about this?”
“Then, what? Do you want me to stay quiet about it?” It’s infuriating. Even now, Kyungsoo isn’t raising his voice. He sounds more dead than angry, looking away and turning back to the papers in front of him. “Forget it, Baekhyun. You’re right. It’s better if I’m silent.”
“I hate this about you,” Baekhyun spits out. “You’ll take the easy way out and pretend like it’s all my fault.” He’s shaking. He hates this part about himself just as much, how easily he falls apart when he’s angry. “Yeah, stay quiet. I didn’t want to hear anymore bullshit anyway. Why did we even-” He feels a lump in his throat, but it doesn’t stop him in the end. “Why did we even get married, if it was going to end up like this?”
The weight of his words suffocates the room until Baekhyun can’t breathe. Kyungsoo still isn’t looking at him. Heart sinking, tears burning in his eyes, Baekhyun turns on his heel and leaves, slamming the door shut behind him. He won’t stay here. If he stays, he’ll do something he knows he’ll regret. The metal on his finger stings. Pulling it off, placing it on the coffee table because he can’t manage to throw it even now, he grabs his keys and leaves without grabbing a jacket, even though he knows Kyungsoo wouldn’t chase him now. He isn’t the type. They’ve known each other too long for Baekhyun to expect something like that from him.
It’s cold out, but Baekhyun likes the bite of the wind. When he gets into the car he doesn’t turn on the heater, lowering the window instead. He glances at the door to their house. No, Kyungsoo wouldn’t chase him. Swallowing, wiping the tears from his eyes, Baekhyun backs up the car and heads for nowhere.
It’s a habit to escape when he’s upset. If talking gets them nowhere, staying there is even more pointless. He’d rather go somewhere else where Kyungsoo isn’t, get the argument out of his head for only a bit because god knows he’ll never be able to forget it. Maybe Kyungsoo can. He’s always been good about ignoring problems. They’ll get into an argument and ignore each other and the next day Kyungsoo will be the same as he was, like nothing happened. But Baekhyun only plays along. In reality he remembers every fight they never resolved, the hurt and resentment growing until it becomes like this.
He doesn’t know where he’s going until he gets there, the park by the house he grew up in. He and Kyungsoo used to go there a lot when they were kids, hanging out after school instead of doing homework. They would get back just in time for dinner and get scolded by their parents, and even though Kyungsoo was a goodie two-shoes he always stayed with him anyway. For years, Baekhyun can remember, he’d never understood why Kyungsoo did so much for him. It wasn’t until later that Kyungsoo told him himself. At this very park, in the middle of one of those cold-bitten months, Kyungsoo had told him that he loved him.
So much happened here. Baekhyun can feel his eyes watering again, and he lowers his head against the steering wheel. Where did it all go wrong? Everything was perfect. Even though they had their differences, they promised to work it out together, right? They’d said those vows, right? So why did it feel like things were falling apart? Why did he want to give up?
Do they even love each other anymore? Baekhyun wishes he could believe in it. But when it’s like this, how can he?
It’s cold, but he gets out of the car anyway. Shivering, he makes his way to the swings where they confessed to each other all those years ago and sits down, leaning his head against the chain and closing his eyes. Marriage. Baekhyun hadn’t believed in it, but Kyungsoo had made him believe. Still -- Baekhyun chokes again, putting his face in his hands -- still, maybe he was right after all. Maybe nothing can last. Even something as precious as them. Maybe now it’s time to give up.
He breathes out a shuddering breath and lifts his head. He’ll leave, maybe go to Jongdae’s house and stay there for a while. Then he’ll tell Kyungsoo…
He stops. In front of him, holding his jacket, is him.
“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says. He looks a little lost, a little bit of something Baekhyun can’t place.
“Why are you here?” He doesn’t accept the coat, but Kyungsoo comes and wraps it around him anyway. Baekhyun avoids his gaze.
“Why are you?” Kyungsoo shoots back, but something seems to wear him down and he sits in the swing beside him. “I was looking for you,” he says finally.
“Why?”
“Because you left.”
Baekhyun shakes his head. “Nothing is different from all the other times.” All the other times that he stormed out of the house. All the other times that Kyungsoo let him leave.
“I just felt like…” Kyungsoo moves the swing back and forth, looking at the ground. “Like if I let you leave, you wouldn’t come back.”
Baekhyun wants to cry again. He’s still shivering. He pulls the jacket around him tighter, like he wants to bury himself in it. “Why does it matter? Let me go. Just let me…”
He stops speaking when Kyungsoo wraps his arms around him. He’d stood up when Baekhyun wasn’t looking.
“No,” Baekhyun says, weakly pushing him away. Kyungsoo doesn’t budge. “No, I don’t want to do this anymore, Kyungsoo. I’m tired. Why are we still doing this? We aren’t kids anymore. We aren’t the same anymore.”
“I love you.”
“No,” Baekhyun repeats.
“I love you.” It isn’t insistence but a quiet truth. Like breathing out, something so natural that without it he can’t live. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe we have changed. But we don’t have to be what we used to be.”
Baekhyun shakes his head, but Kyungsoo holds him tighter.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “For all of it. What we said before, and those times when I never apologized and you never had the chance to forgive me. I love you. I don’t want us to give up. I want to try with you.”
“I don’t believe you,” Baekhyun says. He doesn’t know what’s happening when Kyungsoo pulls back, but then he’s kneeling in front of him, taking his hand.
His ring. Kyungsoo must have seen it where he left it on the table and brought it with him. Baekhyun hates that it makes him cry harder, Kyungsoo proposing again in the same place he had the first time. And he says his name and Baekhyun can’t breathe. “I love you,” Kyungsoo says. “I can’t live without you. So please…” He’s holding his hand with both of his now, bringing it to his forehead and shutting his eyes. The tears that Baekhyun feels against his skin shocks him into silence. “Please, say you’ll stay. I can’t force you. I can’t promise we won’t have hard times like today. But I want to love you through them.”
“Kyungsoo…”
“Please.”
“Okay,” Baekhyun says. When Kyungsoo doesn’t lift his head he says it again, pulling his hand away to put it against his cheek, tilting his head up. “You’re crying,” he whispers in awe, swiping his thumb underneath his eye. It’s been years since he’s seen tears from him. He didn’t think something like this would make him cry.
Kyungsoo searches his gaze before reaching out and hugging him again, his face pressed against his neck. “I was scared,” Kyungsoo says.
That, too. Baekhyun never thought Kyungsoo would be afraid of losing him like this.
“I’m sorry too,” says Baekhyun softly. “I… I was ready to give up. It’s so easy sometimes to forget why we stay every day. But I won’t forget again.”
“Yeah.” Baekhyun hears him breathe in. “I love you, Baekhyun.”
“I love you too.”