Chapter Text
The table had been littered with empty food platters and margarita glasses for quite some time before Emily finally let out the sigh that would signal the end of the evening. Their server had been dropping hints that she wanted them to leave for at least 20 minutes, and there weren’t any other diners left in the restaurant. Still, it was hard to draw the evening to a close. She had missed this, missed her family. They were so good, so caring, so understanding. They made her feel needed. Wanted. Loved. Rossi caught her eye and winked. “Alright, alright,” he said, as the laughter from a joke Spencer had just told winded down. “Let’s let the fine staff of this establishment get on with their evening.” Everyone nodded in agreement, though they still seemed reluctant to let the evening end. Finally, standing on the sidewalk outside, the team said their goodbyes to Emily. The moment was filled with warm hugs, last jokes, and promises to visit each other soon.
JJ approached her last. “Need a ride back to your hotel?” The blonde asked.
“I uh,” Emily blushed. “I forgot to book one.”
“Then I guess you’re coming home with me,” JJ looped her arm through Emily’s and steered the agent toward her car. Emily tried to object, eyes swinging around wildly, but the rest of the team had already made their exit and were now just retreating figures in the distance. This was so not a good idea. She had way too much tequila in her system for this to go well. But JJ’s arm in her’s, the light brushes off their hips as they walked, the warmth radiating off her… She couldn’t say no.
“You really don’t have to do this you know,” Emily said as she buckled herself into the passenger’s seat.
“Em, where were you planning to sleep if you didn’t book a hotel?” JJ replied, carefully pulling the car out of its spot and starting the drive home.
“I don’t know, I would have figured it out. I didn’t really have time to think about it, with the case, and…” Emily was quiet for a while. “I probably did it subconsciously. Avoided figuring out a place to stay because sleep has… not been easy for me recently.” The last part came out as almost a whisper.
“The nightmare on the plane,” JJ prompted.
“Was not the first. Probably won’t be the last. I know the case is done, I know we got him, but…” she trailed off. The rest of the ride to JJ’s house was silent, and Emily let it make her feel safe for the first time in months. The quiet rocking of the car pulled her into an almost sleep, though the streetlights and knowledge of the conversation that was sure to come kept her from drifting off completely. JJ let it rest for now, but Emily wasn’t getting on a plane back to London before they talked. Before they really talked.
“Wine?” JJ asked as she unlocked her front door.
“No, but could I have a glass of water?” Emily said, following the blonde inside. JJ nodded and pointed to the couch in the living room. Emily did as she was told, almost tip-toeing through the quiet house.
“Here you go,” JJ said as she came back and sat down on the opposite end of the couch, two glasses of water in hand. “You ready to talk about it?”
“Won’t we wake your boys?” she asked, taking the offered glass.
JJ shook her head. “The boys are with Will in New Orleans this weekend,” Emily cocked an interested eyebrow and JJ decided it was probably better to just get it over with. “Will and I split up a few months ago. He went back home and the boys fly down there every few weeks to visit.”
“Jayje, I’m so sorry, I had no idea,” a feeling of guilt washed over Emily. JJ didn't need to hear her problems, serious as they may be.
“It’s alright,” JJ shrugged. “We haven’t really told people. At first it was just going to be for a few weeks while we worked through things but last week we actually called it quits. Turns out what we had wasn’t worth saving.” She kind of smiled as she took a drink of water, but all that faded when she cleared her throat after. “We’re here to talk about you, though.”
“Are we?” Maybe Emily could still get out of this.
“We are. I let you off the hook on the plane because our profile finally fell into place but you clearly need to talk about her,” JJ was quiet for a minute, waiting for Emily to say something. “The Scotland Yard detective…”
“Louise,” Emily supplied.
“Louise,” JJ said back. “The way you talked about her, Em… You were close. You’re grieving.”
“We worked together, and like I said, it’s my fault she’s dead,” Emily looked at the ceiling in a futile attempt to stop herself from crying.
“It was more than that, though,” this whole conversation had JJ feeling like she was pulling teeth, trying to get Emily to open up.
She must have finally said the right thing though because the older agent took a deep breath, a sip of water, and another deep breath before finally admitting, “She was my girlfriend.” With that, all the tears Emily had been holding back began to fall. She didn’t even realize quite how hard she was crying until JJ was gathering her in her arms, rocking back and forth gently. They stayed like that for a long time, Emily crying, JJ soothing, until Emily felt herself begin to calm down enough to say more. “We were planning a trip to DC. We were gonna come right after the case, so that she could meet all of you. I, I wanted her to meet my family before I,” here she took a shaky, steadying breath. “I was going to propose.” And then she cried some more. She cried for the life that could have been, cried because of her own guilt, and cried because it felt so good to finally tell someone. To no longer carry the weight of all of it alone. Finally, the pair broke apart, JJ leaning over to the coffee table for the box of tissues that rested there. Emily took one, smiling at JJ in silent thanks, and realized that the blonde’s face was wet as well. Of course JJ had been crying with her. “Sorry,” Emily whispered, though what she was apologizing for she didn’t quite know.
“I’m the one who should be sorry,” JJ said, hugging the brunette again. “You’ve been going through this by yourself.”
“I didn’t tell you,” Emily said into JJ’s shoulder. “She was such a good person. The best. You would have loved her but you never got the chance to even know about her because I made some stupid rule that I wanted to introduce you in person.”
“You’ll just have to tell me about her now,” JJ gave her a tight squeeze before pulling back, ready to listen. It was as if a dam had broken and Emily found herself telling JJ all the things she had been longing to for months. She told the story of how she first met Louise, working with the detective’s Scotland Yard department to catch a serial killer in London. The months of casual date nights that followed before Emily finally got over her fear of commitment and asked to make the whole arrangement official. It wasn’t long after that Louise’s lease had been up, and it just made more sense for her to move in. Emily’s apartment was much too big for one person anyway. They had been together for just over two years, and Emily told JJ about almost every minute of it. How Louise made her laugh, the way she would make a point of being home to welcome Emily back from the particularly challenging cases, what it had been like to meet her very English family. They talked about the hard stuff, too. Emily’s unresolved and probably permanent guilt for her hand in Louise’s death. If the undercover operation succeeded, she would have been able to join Emily at Interpol. There were so many ifs surrounding the situation. If Emily hadn’t suggested that maybe Louise be the one to go undercover. If Louise hadn’t pushed Emily so hard to make it happen. If Emily hadn’t been so absolutely sure that everything would go according to plan. If… Maybe Louise would still be alive. Maybe Emily would be happy. Maybe.
It was just past three a.m. when Emily finally finished. “God, Jayje, I’m so sorry, you probably have to be back in the office in a few hours,” she stood up and stretched deeply before offering a hand to the younger agent.
“Eh, it’s alright,” JJ said, allowing herself to be pulled up and joining Emily in the stretch. “I’ll go make up the guest bed.”
“Oh don’t bother with that,” Emily said. “I can just hang out here on the couch. I probably won’t get much sleep anyway.” JJ looked at her with concern, and despite all that they had just shared, Emily found herself unable to meet her gaze.
“Would it be better if you slept with me?” JJ blurted out.
“What?” It came out barely a whisper.
“I just…” Whatever confidence had prompted JJ to ask such a question was fading fast. “I’ve had nightmares, too. It helped to have someone else sleeping next to me. Probably why I stayed with Will so long,” she added dryly.
“Jay,” Emily finally met JJ’s eyes. Some part of her heart was soaring at the offer. The part of her heart that had always belonged to JJ. God, how many years had she been waiting for an opportunity like this? But now, in the wake of all her grief, it wasn’t right. It didn’t feel right. The feeling of guilt that had been Emily’s constant companion these past months doubled in that moment. ‘I’m supposed to be mourning the love of my life, not getting butterflies like a teenager at the prospect of sleeping next to…’ Emily stopped herself before her brain could complete that sentence, but the truth still hit her. It was JJ. It always had been. ‘The love of my life.’ Emily finished silently.
“Em,” JJ said, grabbing her hand. “Let me take care of you.”
Emily was crying again. She was exhausted, and she knew that if she pushed aside the guilt for one night, let herself be held for one night, she might finally get some rest. So she nodded, and let JJ lead her upstairs. Emily had a bag of clothes sitting right by JJ’s front door, but they both seemed to forget it, and Emily sat quietly at the foot of JJ’s bed while the blonde rooted through her closet for something Emily could borrow. The weariness she had been holding off for months finally set in, and Emily barely even noticed when JJ came back out and slowly began helping her change. Some corner of her brain wondered if she should get excited that Jennifer Jareau was undressing her, but no. This wasn’t that. This was Emily broken, bruised, and tired, and this was JJ picking up the pieces.
•—•• ——— •••— •
For the first time in what felt like forever, Emily Prentiss slept through the night. And in the morning, when the sun filled the room and the smell of coffee wafted in, Emily Prentiss found herself waking up rested. There was a moment, a small moment, where Emily thought she was back in her bed in London. That the comforting weight and heat pressed against her back and wound around her waist was Louise and she was waking up from a very long and very terrible nightmare. The weight shifted and Emily caught a whiff of a high and light shampoo that smelled like JJ, and that couldn’t be right because JJ was in DC at the BAU and Emily was in London at Interpol. But the weight shifted again and Emily opened one eye and realized that she smelled JJ because it was JJ, not Louise, behind her. The moment was over, and Emily prepared herself to feel her guilt come crashing back down but for whatever reason it didn’t. She found herself hard pressed to feel bad about getting her first good night’s sleep in a long time. It would come back eventually, she was sure, but Emily wasn’t going to ruin this moment by worrying about it now. Instead she rolled over to face her still sleeping companion.
JJ’s hair was wild and obscuring most of her face and Emily couldn’t help herself from reaching out a hand and pushing it gently back. The movement must have been enough to disturb JJ, because her relaxed face suddenly scrunched up and she groaned, “not yet.”
“Jay,” Emily said, refusing to withdraw her hand. “If you’re not awake yet then how am I smelling coffee?”
“Timer,” JJ grumbled, swatting away Emily’s hand. “Starts twenty minutes after my alarm so it’s ready when, shit!” JJ sat up, suddenly wide awake. “I’m going to be late for work!” The abrupt change from almost completely asleep to wide awake panic made Emily burst into a fit of giggles, which earned her a pillow to the face as JJ jumped out of bed and began racing through her morning routine.
“Relax, Jayje, I’m sure no one is going to be on time after the late night we all had,” Emily finally said, catching the now fully dressed blonde’s arm as she passed by the bed.
“There’s an interdepartmental meeting that Hotch wants me at. Otherwise, believe me, I would not be leaving any time soon,” JJ winked. “What time is your jet leaving? I can probably come back to drive you to the airport.”
“It went back to London without me when we flew to Chicago. And…” Emily raised an eyebrow, “I haven’t booked a flight back. I could stay a few days.”
“Really?” JJ smiled.
“Only if that’s okay with you,” Emily said, suddenly unsure of herself.
“That’s more than okay with me,” JJ said, starting to head to the door. “There’s coffee in the pot and eggs and stuff in the fridge. Help yourself to whatever. I’ll leave a spare key on the counter if you wanna go out or anything.”
“Eh, I’ll probably just catch up on all the classic American daytime TV I don’t get in London,” Emily said, laying back against the pillows, clearly not intending to get up for a while longer. JJ nodded and turned to go before Emily spoke up again to stop her. “Jayje? Could you… not tell the team I’m staying? I love them but… I really need to just sleep.”
“You got it,” JJ said with a final smile, definitely late for work now. Emily smiled back and pulled the duvet up around her, finding sleep again easily.
Hours later, a groggy, but well rested and nightmare-free Emily stumbled into JJ’s kitchen. The coffee in the pot had long gone cold, so she started a new one before turning to the fridge. She could scramble eggs without burning the house down. Probably. It wasn’t until she caught her reflection in the microwave on JJ’s counter that Emily saw what she was dressed in. She had been so tired that she thought the t-shirt was just that, a t-shirt. But looking down now, Emily realized it was her t-shirt. Or had been, once upon a time. It had a faded Yale logo across the chest and had spent years in Emily’s closet before JJ stole it at a particularly raucous Girls’ Night. Emily smiled to herself, thinking about JJ keeping it all this time. She didn’t know when she would return to London or her life, or when her grief and guilt would consume her again, or even what tomorrow would bring, but for now, she was content to stand in Jennifer Jareau’s kitchen, scrambling eggs.