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"Hey Phil?"
Phil looks up from his Nintendo Switch, where he'd spent the last 45 minutes trying to finally catch a betta fish for his collection - to no avail. The Animal Crossing Gods just weren't in his favour tonight. He was doomed to catch carps, and loaches, heck, even the odd rock here and there, but there was no blue little fishy friend in the cards for Philly.
"Do you ever miss that feeling of being newly in love? Like, those first date jitters? Butterflies, if you will?"
Dan's array of questions shakes Phil out of his thoughts about fighting fish.
"Are you saying that you want those again?" He puts the console down, feeling his heart drop alongside it. "Like, do you want to see other people or something?" Phil really tries his best to hide his own emotions, telling himself that this isn't about him right now. He takes a deep breath. "Because, if you need to do that, now that you're out, or whatever..."
Phil looks up at Dan, whose eyes have gone wide in shock.
"What? No, of couse not!" Dan is quick to exclaim, causing Phil to let out a sigh, his shoulders relaxing.
"Wait...," Dan adds, "are you saying you'd let me see other people?" He pauses for a second. "Do you want to see other people?"
His second question is asked more quietly, contrasting the loud laugh Phil lets out upon hearing it.
"Well, I mean, I don't know if you've noticed, but there is still this small pandemic thing going on."
"That doesn't answer my question."
Dan sounds concerned and when Phil looks over to him, he finds him chewing on his bottom lip, a vertical line across his forehead. His worry-face. Dan was an overthinker at the best of times, but lockdowns, a pandemic and the current stress with the contractors on their house really had both of their anxieties working overtime.
Phil scoots over into Dan's space on the couch.
"No, I don't want to see other people, you doofus. I have survived seeing this face," Phil emphasises his words by taking Dan's face between his hands, "basically every day for the last ten years and, even through six months of being stuck in self-isolation with you, I am still not tired of looking at it."
"Gn'awww," Dan expresses fondly, resting his head in Phil's hands with a little more weight, gazing up at him, blinking slowly and smiling widely. It was his I-don't-know-how-to-handle-compliments-so-I'm-overacting-it-but-thank-you-and-actually-I-look-really-cute-doing-it-face. One of Phil's favourites.
"You're lucky you're cute." Dan retracts his face from Phil's hands. "If you weren't, I'd probably want to bash your head in every other day." He leans past Phil to grab another handful of popcorn from the bowl placed behind Phil on the sofa.
"Oh, I'm not saying I don't wanna bash your head in. I'm just saying I only want to bash your head, nobody else's."
Phil tongue pokes out of his mouth while a single piece of popcorn nearly hits him in the eye.
~~~
"Y'know, about what you were saying earlier..."
It's much later now, they are cuddled up beneath their cosiest blanket, watching the new David Attenborough documentary on Netflix, when Phil pauses it to finally voice the thoughts racing in his mind.
"Seriously, Phil, don't worry about it. I was just being stupid. I felt a little nostalgic for that feeling I had the first time I met you. And like, before that day and for a while afterwards. It's just... Everything was so new and exciting and stuff. I guess I just miss that sometimes." Dan shrugs.
"I don't," Phil sits up as if to emphasise how serious he is. "The first time we met I was so nervous that I actually threw up in my mouth multiple times."
A light jab of pain curses through his side as Dan's elbow hits it. "Ewww, I kissed you that day!"
Phil shrugs his shoulders. "Well, what was I supposed to do?" He puts on his 'posh voice'. "Sorry, Dan, while this moment is perfect and I would really like to kiss you, too, I fear that my mouth might still taste vaguely of the meal I had hours ago, regurgitated and mixed with the finest stomach juices?"
Dan nods enthusiastically. "It's what a gentleman would have done."
"We both know that I am no gentleman." As if to prove his point, Phil shoves some more sweets into his mouth before adding: "Plus, you've had worse things in your mouth."
"Oi!" Dan seems offended for a second. "Nevermind, that's actually more of an insult to you than it is to me."
~~~
It's a few days later and Phil would bet good money that Dan has already forgotten all about their conversation a few days prior. Phil, however, being the constant worrywart that he is, hasn't.
So, in order to quench Dan's thirst for new beginnings, as well as to calm his own mind, he wants to plan a surprise.
Of course, with current guidelines in place, there was no way he could actually go through with his first idea - taking a train to Manchester and actually replaying their first meeting-slash-date with Dan step-by-step. No, this would have to be a strictly indoor activity.
Getting Dan out of the house at all, however, would prove to be difficult. They rarely left the house when there wasn't some new and deadly virus spreading through the country, but since March, they had barely gone outside at all. So, since Phil needed time to prepare, he decided it was time to pull out a classic.
"I need you to go on a walk this Saturday, no questions asked."
Dan looks up from his phone. "What? Why?"
"Those are two questions and I just said 'no questions'. Just... please?" Phil lays his best puppy dog eyes on Dan, who cocks his head slightly.
"Seriously, mate? That's what you're going to use a 'No questions asked' on?"
Phil nods enthusiastically, so Dan has no choice but to agree, albeit accompanied by loud sighs. Afterall, the 'No questions'-rule was his idea, after a session with his therapist where they'd come to the conclusion that it might help Dan in vocalizing his needs without needing to explain them. It had worked quite well for them then and had since become a useful tool in their household, although the need for it had decreased dramatically over the last years.
"Fiiiine.... How long do you need me to be gone?"
~~~
"Fuuuuuuck!" Phil curses as he puts the hair straighteners down and turns on the tap, running water over the already reddening skin on his wrist. Here's one of many reasons he doesn't miss his old hair.
His look isn't perfectly accurate. The fashionable mop-look he sported back then was impossible to recreate, even with the extra amount of hair he'd gained from not being able to see a hairdresser for the last six months. The plaid button-down shirt wasn't the exact same one he wore on their first date, but he had managed to find one close enough to it in the very back of their wardrobe.
He leaves the bathroom, making sure to check twice if he had unplugged the straightener, and heads to the kitchen.
He takes out the hidden plastic bag from their latest Tesco delivery from the very back of the cabinet, the one usually reserved for their baking supplies, pulling out an assortment of fruitjuices and placing them in the fridge.
After fitting all of the cartons into their already cramped fridge (the last food shop arrived yesterday and they always tried to stock up on groceries for at least two to three weeks), he heads to the gaming room where the printer is already rumbling and clicking. He cuts out the circles on the paper the printer spits out, as neatly as he can (which, if we're being honest, really isn't that neat at all), before going back to the kitchen. He just about manages to tape the stickers on the mugs before he hears the door bell.
Convincing Dan to leave the house without his keys had been a struggle, but Phil needed some kind of warning to take his place by the door. When he hears the elevator ping at the end of the hallway, he opens their apartment door widely and takes a few steps back, turning his back to the door and using all of his acting talent to appear lost.
He hears rustling close to the door before Dan announces himself.
"Phil, I'm back! Why is the door so far..." Dan doesn't get to finish his sentence as Phil throws himself at him, hugging him tightly, positively clawing at him.
"Dan! I can't believe you're actually here!"
"What the fuck are you talking about, Phil? I was gone for like an hour or two?"
Phil loosens his grip slightly so he can look straight at Dan, who looks even more confused now that he can see Phil in all his 2009-esque glory.
"Why is your hair like that?" Dan takes a small strand of the fringe on Phil's forehead and rubs it between his thumb and index finger. "I didn't even know we still had straighteners."
Phil decides to ignore him, letting go of Dan to finally close the door to their flat, before asking: "How was the train ride?"
"Train ride? I wasn't..." A short pause. "Oooooh!" It finally seems to click as Dan busts out laughing. "You are ridiculous."
Phil smiles. "Is that You are ridiculous, but I will indulge in this crazy idea of yours or is it You are ridiculous, stop it right now or I'll leave you?" he asks, slowly making his way back to Dan, who opens his arms for Phil to fall right back into.
"It's You are ridiculous, I can't believe that you did this for me and I will absolutely indulge in whatever you have planned."
Phil's smile brightens. "Well, that's good to hear. In other, more normal times I would have taken you to Manchester, but this will have to do for now."
He takes Dan's hand and leads him towards the kitchen.
"Starbucks?"
~~~
"Is there anything you can recommend?" Dan asks. They are both stood in front of their coffee machine.
"Well, there's black coffee, coffee with milk, coffee with milk and sugar or, if you're feeling fancy, I'm sure this place could whip up a hot chocolate as well."
"Uh, yes, I am feeling fancy today. I'll take that hot chocolate, please."
"And will that be a tall, grande or venti for you?" Phil holds up three different mugs (Hello Kitty, One Direction and a simple black one), each completed with the sloppily cut-out Starbucks logo stuck to it. Dan snort-laughs as he, predictably, points to the black one in the middle.
"Oh, and don't worry about paying, it's my treat."
Phil shoots him a grin as the coffee machine starts to rumple to whip up their orders.
"So, Dan, why don't you tell me a little more about yourself."
They are sat at the kitchen table - their make-shift Starbucks booth - holding a cup of steaming hot chocolate and cofee respectively, as if to warm up their cold hands.
"Well someone checked a website for good questions to ask on a first date," Dan can't help but comment before actually answering. "I'm taking a gap year at the moment, which you already know, but I'll probably start university soon."
"Oooh exciting, I loved uni." Phil exclaims, wiggling his eyebrows. "What are you going to study?"
"Law, probably."
Phil isn't sure if the pain that appears on Dan's face is entirely acted.
"Oh, so is that something you're passionate about? Trade law?" He tries his best to fight back the laugh harbouring on his lips.
"Oh, God no, not at all." Dan stops for a second. "In fact, I'm only taking it to impress my mostly absentee father, but I won't realize that until much later in life with quite a bit of help from a therapist, sooo... I guess my law degree is doomed to fail from the get go."
Phil isn't quite sure how to react to that. "Well, that sounds... fun!?" There's no conviction in his voice.
Dan, however, seems to snap out of his thoughts and comes back to the present (well, the past, sort-of). "I'm sorry. This is way too much for a first date, isn't it?"
"Nah, you're fine, mate." Phil makes a throw-away gesture with his hand. "I love getting to know you. And about uni... I have this weird hunch that everything will work out for you in the end. I'm sure you'll find something you're passionate about." Phil winks (or attempts to).
"How would you know that? Are you like, psychic or something?"
"Something of the sort, yeah," Phil replies, "My grandma was actually psychic, like full-on, maybe I inherited some of her talents."
~~~
“I’m done.” Dan tilts his empty cup towards Phil as proof. “We should probably get going and make room for other customers, don’t you think?”
“Oh absolutely, this place is packed!” Phil jumps to his feet immediately. “It’s perfect timing, too. How do you feel about some cocktails and watching the sunset?”
“Oh, as if you even have to ask.” Dan gets up from his seat, too.
Phil breaks character for a second to explain himself.
“So, I couldn’t hire someone to make cocktails for us, obviously, but I bought everything we need to do it ourselves.” He gestures towards the fridge.
“Great, let’s make one with a lot of booze.” Dan heads straight for the liqueur shelf next to the fridge.
“Why? Are you nervous?”
“Of course I am, I’m on a great date with an incredibly hot guy, who wouldn’t be nervous?”
Mission accomplished, Phil thinks to himself before getting two big glasses out of the cabinet.
~~~
"So how long have you been doing YouTube for?” Dan asks.
They are sat on the balcony now, the sun slowly setting, colouring everything around them in a beautiful orange glow. Phil gets momentarily distracted by the same glow reflecting from Dan. From his face, his curls, even his dimple. Phil gets a funny feeling in his stomach, one he remembers having on their actual first date as well. Who knew that this whole thing would re-ignite his own first butterflies for Dan as well.
“Phil?”
“Sorry, I got distracted looking at you.” Phil didn’t use to be so blunt, but, he figures, a few adjustments to the Original Edition were fine.
Dan blushes. "You're quite confident. I'm assuming you do this a lot then?"
"What, dating?" Phil giggles a little at the thought. "Not at all, actually. Can’t seem to find anyone who wants to date me.”
Dan looks at him fondly, playing with the glass straw in his drink absentmindedly. “I’d say I’m sorry, but since that would only increase my competition, I can’t.”
“There’s no competition for you. You, Dan Howell, rank in a different category entirely.”
Dan smiles at him, the fondness in his eyes growing. “You’ve said that last part before.”
“Have I?” Phil genuinely doesn't know.
"During one of our skype calls, I asked you what box you wanted me to put you in. The acquaintance, the friend, the weird YouTube crush... You said I could put you wherever I wanted and when I asked you what category you've filed me under you said... well, that."
Phil remembers now. That conversation had taken place late at night, in September of 2009. Just before Dan had booked tickets to actually come up North for the first time.
“You have a good memory.”
“What can I say, an elephant never forgets.” Dan taps the side of his head with his index finger.
They both take a long sip from their cocktail, revelling in the comfortable silence between them before Dan pick s up the conversation again.
“So, about YouTube… Think you could give me some editing tips?”
~~~
“I actually have something else planned for tonight,” Phil says as the sun finally disappears behind the line of trees visible from their balcony.
“Please tell me you didn’t build a ferris wheel in our living room,” Dan replies, only partially kidding.
Phil pulls out two tickets – the actual tickets from October 19 th, 2009 – and hands them to Dan.
“Can you just wait out here for a second? Our carriage will depart in just a few minutes.”
Dan shakes his head fondly, looking at the tickets in his hands. “Did you actually open one of the moving boxes again to find these?”
Phil slips inside, sliding the glass door shut, but not before hearing Dan add “I hope you repacked the box afterwards”. Oops.
He starts the chromecast on the TV, the Manchester Wheel Ride Along video already pulled up, and motions for Dan, who had taken to waiting right by the window, to come inside.
“Which side do you want?” he asks, pointing to the two dining chairs pulled up directly in front of the TV.
Dan takes his spot on the left side and Phil starts the video. Even the female robot voice instructing them to sit still and enjoy the view is the same as it was back then.
“There really is a video of everything these days, huh?” Dan asks.
Phil doesn't want to get into that right now. This part had been the one he'd been most worried about. It was by far the hardest to recreate, especially since the Wheel wasn't even up anymore, so there was no recent footage of it. Whilst being the most difficult, it was also the most important one to get right for Phil. Their whole first day together had been great, but it had all climaxed in their ride on the Big Wheel. It held a special place in Phil's heart before he ever met Dan and it had been even more important to him after the fact. He knew that two plastic chairs infront of a TV playing grainy, shaky footage of the Manchester skyline wasn't even close to the real thing.
Dan interrupts his thoughts, then.
"Oh look, the view is so nice from up here. Do you see the cathedral back there?” He points to the right side of the frame, where the church comes into view as the angle of the camera rises with the carriage. And just like that, Phil's doubts are swept away.
They are reaching the half-way mark of their journey when Dan says something eerily close to 2009-Dan. “Thank you, Phil, for doing all of this for me today. I’ve had the best time.”
Phil smiles reminiscently. “You’re welcome.”
“I want…” Phil feels Dan take his hand and the simple touch sends little electric shocks through his arm all the way to his heart.
“Nobody can see us up here, right?” There’s a little pang in Phil’s heart for a young, innocent and very, very closeted Dan. He squeezes his hand.
“No-one, I promise.”
“Good” is the last thing Dan says before leaning in to kiss him. It feels exactly as magical as it had the first time around. It’s just a short peck, really. Shy and restrained, yet so full of promises. Promises of more kisses, of more than kisses, of the future, of a life together. Phil feels all these promises swirling around inside of him, making him buzz in excitement for everything yet to come.
“Can you please say something?” Dan sounds actually nervous. It’s insanely adorable, Phil finds.
“Can I just kiss you instead?”
Dan smiles, answering him by leaning in again.
~~~
“I think we’re almost down again,” Phil says, a glance at the progression bar of the video confirming his suspicion.
Dan squeezes his hand one last time before letting go of it. “I’m not ready for this day to be over. Not yet, at least.”
“Wanna come back to my place?” Phil suggests, causing Dan to bark out a short laugh at the cheesiness of that line and the fact that Phil would never, ever use it in real life.
“I mean, sure. I should warn you though, I don’t usually put out on the first date, so if you have any sort of expectation for where this is going to lead…”
“Oh, no, no. Absolutely no pressure.” Phil pauses for a second. “Wait. Usually?”
Dan gets up from his chair as the nice robot lady in the video announces they can disembark the carriage on the right-hand side . “Okay, where do you live?”
“Not far from here, actually.” Phil replies, taking Dan’s hand and guiding him towards the couch.
Somehow, the lines between reality and pretend have blurred so much that Phil is actually surprised when Dan moves in closer to Phil to cuddle as they sit down on the sofa.
“Wait!” Dan exclaims, wiggling around, as if uncomfortable, before pulling out a pair of black boxers from between the couch cushions.
Phil’s cheeks redden at the memory of how those got there.
“They’re my roommates!” is what he blurts out, causing a devilish grin to spread on Dan’s face.
“Well, tell him he has a great taste, I have the exact same pair.”
~~~
Phil has lost all sense of timing. They've been kissing for what feels like hours, his lips are starting to feel raw by the friction of Dan's one-day-stubble rubbing against his own. That hadn't been a problem in 2009. He can't remember the last time he'd spent that much time just kissing Dan, without the intention of progressing things any further. He wants to feel bad about it, he really does, but how can he when the end result is always so satisfying. If patience was a virtue, Phil would for sure rank in the bottom five percent of virtuous people. He was a big fan of instant graticifation, be it food or buying himself nice things or, well, this. He does, however, find himself enjoying all this kissing quite a lot. He makes a mental note to remember that for another time, too. However, whilst he is enjoying himself a lot right now, this wasn't about him. Not tonight. Things would progress, if at all, at Dan's pace. Phil tries to remember the Dan he had in his bed the first night of his first visit. Someone who didn't really know what he wanted yet, much less how to ask for it. It was hard to imagine that boy to be the same man Phil is with now - vocal (in more ways than one), in touch with his own desires, open to most things, not afraid of letting himself go. He feels Dan's hand slip underneath his shirt.
"Is this okay?" Dan mumbles against Phil's lips.
"Of course," Phil replies, taking Dan's action as an encouragement to let his own hands wander slightly.
Dan attempts to sit up to unbutton Phil's shirt and almost falls off the sofa. (There was a reason they'd left room for an extra large couch in their new house and it wasn't for all the parties they planned on hosting)
"Do you maybe want to move this to the bedroom?" Phil asks.
Dan fully detaches his lips from Phil's, smirking at him in a way that makes Phil stir, while the rest of his face and tone remain completely innocent.
"I should probably tell you," Dan giggles, actually giggles, "I've never been with a man. This is my first time."
Phil motions for Dan to get off of him, then takes his hand while getting up from the sofa himself.
"I'll be gentle, I promise," he whispers. "Just tell me if you want to stop," he adds, whispering and pressing a short, light kiss against Dan's forehead.
~~~
"Phil?"
Phil really feels his age right about now, so all he manages in return is a hum. Dan feels the vibration of his chest more that he actually hears Phil. His head is resting on Phil's chest, his leg wrapped around Phil's thighs and Phil's arm snug around him, holding him close.
“Thank you for doing this.”
Phil can hear the sincerity in his voice.
“You’re welcome,” he replies, just as sincere. “Did you like it? Did it quench your thirst for nervousness and excitement?”
Dan giggles lowly. “It was nice.” Dan smiles against Phil’s chest before looking up to meet his eyes. “It was a little like falling in love with you all over again.”
Phil feels the warmth radiating inside of him at those words. “Good. Then it served it’s purpose.”
“It’s just…” Dan wasn’t quite sure how to phrase his feelings. “I just want to make sure that you know that, like, the giddiness of first falling for someone is great and all, but I’d never trade that for what I have with you. I hope you know that.”
Phil smiles and presses a small kiss onto Dan’s head, into his slightly sweaty curls. “I know, Dan. This was just a bit of fun, yeah?”
“Good.” Dan perks up a little, making sure to look directly into Phil’s eyes and holding the gaze. “Because I need you to know that I love the fact that I know all the weird things you do. And all the habits and kinks you have and what makes you tick and all that. I love that I don’t even have to talk to you at all for you to figure out how I’m feeling.”
“You’re getting all mushy on me, Howell,” Phil chokes out sarcastically in an attempt to hide his own emotions creeping up on him.
Dan rolls his eyes before switching his position so he was now sat atop Phil, one knee on each side of Phil’s still naked torso.
“You want mushy, I’ll give you mushy. I bloody love you, Philip Michael Lester. I love that I got to fall in love with you over ten years ago, all nervous touches and prickling skin and a goosebump trail of where your fingertips touched me. I love it even more that I get to stay in love with you every single day. That I can turn myself inside out and show you everything I am and you're just there. Taking it in, even admiring it and loving me not in spite, but because of all my flaws. So thank you, Phil. Thanks for being my person."