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Tasuku is up today earlier than he usually is. In fact, the sun hasn't even risen yet. He cycles with Utsumi most mornings, but there's still some time to kill before they meet up, so he's just riding around town in the predawn light. When he passes a playground, he does a double-take: Tsubaki is there, alone, sitting on a swing.
He loops back around, and slows down as he rolls up to his friend. As he gets closer, he notices that Tsubaki is wearing his school uniform. This wouldn't be strange, except for the fact that they graduated yesterday. As he brings his bike to a stop in front of him, Tasuku notices something else. Its small, but unmistakable. Tsubaki has a fresh, still-forming, black eye.
Still mounted on his bike, Tasuku freezes, and the alarm bells in his head begin to sound. Something is wrong here.
Tasuku has been in Tsubaki's range of sight for awhile before he suddenly notices him. His face lights up, and he cheerfully greets him with "Hey! Tasuku!", as though they are meeting under normal circumstances, and not at 6:15am in an empty playground.
The casual reaction throws Tasuku off, but the alarm bells haven't stopped. "Hey... Good morning," he responds cautiously, unsure of how to address the elephant in the room. "You're up early...?"
"Oh, yeah, I guess so. Sun's finally coming up." The alarm bells are getting louder.
"Tsubaki, did something happen?" When the other boy only stares back blankly, Tasuku informs him, "You... have a black eye."
"Oh." He acts like this is news to him. "Really?" Tsubaki pulls out his phone, checks his reflection in the front-facing camera. "Oh wow, so I do. Damn. Guess he got me pretty good."
The final alarm bell goes off. He's not doing a good job of keeping his voice calm when he asks, "Tsubaki, what happened?"
Tsubaki is still under-reacting to this situation, to Tasuku's extreme irritation. He's even grinning when he answers, "You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you it was a volleyball, huh?"
Tasuku is starting to get mad. Tsubaki is nearly as good at dodging questions as Anonymous is, and he's already been fighting the feeling that Tsubaki's become more distant lately. They still talked, sure, but all their conversations have been... superficial. He'd just ignored the feeling that he was being shut out, but that's not going to fly here. "Tsubaki. Who did this."
"Haha," God, he has the gall to actually laugh, "I'll give you one guess."
It was his dad. Tasuku knows it was him, had suspected this the second he saw the purple mark lining his cheekbone. The older man had been warm in the past, but ever since that disastrous day at the lounge he'd become icy cold when interacting with anyone associated with Cat Clowder. Tsubaki has been especially dodgy around questions about his home life, so much so that Tasuku had basically stopped asking. He thought it'd be wrong to pry about something that Tsubaki clearly didn't want to talk about.
"Man." Tsubaki is still looking in the camera, and pokes at his own face as he mutters, "I'm surprised he even managed to leave a mark. You should have seen that punch, his form is garbage. Embarrassing, really."
Tasuku is so angry he feels sick. Finally jumping off his bike, he throws it to the ground, fists clenched. He doesn't know what to say. If he opens his mouth, he'll probably just end up yelling at Tsubaki, as though this is somehow his fault.
The other boy, for his part, just raises an eyebrow and says "Dude. You look like you've seen a ghost. I'm not dead. It's just a bruise."
Another flash of anger crashes through Tasuku, he wants to scream in frustration, but he manages to pull himself together. As disturbing as this whole situation is, Tsubaki's right: he's not dead, he's not in any immediate danger. Freaking out on his friend after having something like this happen to him isn't going to help him, is it? Its not going to help anyone.
So, after taking a deep breath, he slumps into the seat next to Tsubaki on the swing set. When he feels composed enough, he asks him, "Tsubaki, can you tell me what happened, please?" He doesn't want to make this worse for him, but he needs to know what's going on here. "I'm worried about you."
Tsubaki at least sounds genuine when he replies, "Well, there's really not much to tell. We got in a fight. Actually, I guess it's more like we were... angrily agreeing with each other?" He shrugs. "Came to the mutual decision that it was time for me to go."
Tasuku is learning that he is capable of reaching levels of anger that he previously did not think were possible. "He kicked you out!?"
"Like I said, we mostly agreed on it. Its more like... I took his suggestion."
He'd managed to calm himself down, but Tasuku is quickly losing it again. The flippant tone with which Tsubaki is conveying all this information is really, really not helping. "How...?" He stops, then starts again. "When did this happen?"
"Hmm, maybe... around seven last night? Right before dinner, I guess." Wait. He's been out here all night!? "Oh, I've just been sitting out here for a couple of hours though. I got a room at a hostel, but I couldn't really get any sleep, I'm all keyed up. Feels like I ran a marathon, y'know?"
At this point, it feels like they're not even speaking the same language anymore. Tasuku can't stop himself from answering frankly, head in his hands. "....Not really, no."
Tsubaki doesn't say anything at all, and when Tasuku looks over at him, he looks the same way he did when he rode up to him earlier: lost in thought. Examining him now, Tasuku thinks to himself, God, but this all makes so much sense. Tsubaki's been increasingly throwing himself into extracurriculars. He'd dedicated even more time to practicing volleyball, he's at the lounge even more than Tasuku these days, he even has a part-time job that he's been juggling on top of everything else. He realizes now, its because Tsubaki didn't want to go home.
Why didn't Tasuku pay more attention? How could he have missed this, when it was right in front of his face? If he had just opened his eyes, maybe he could have done something, or said something, or... ANYTHING. What is Tsubaki going to do now? Has he gone to the police? Is that even the right move here? Beyond actually reporting the assault, what can they even do? They can't force his dad to house a legal adult, can they? Even if they could, it wouldn't be safe for him to live there anymore, not after this. Maybe he could stay at Tasuku's house? Oh, no. No, that's a terrible idea. What about the lounge, then? They could ask Anonymous, surely there's a place somewhe-
When Tsubaki finally speaks, he's looking at the ground, eyes unfocused, hands clasped together. "Hey, Tasuku. Can I tell you something?"
Tasuku's train of thought comes to a sudden, screeching halt. He remembers the words Anonymous said to him, years ago, on the worst day of his life.
Right. He needs to listen, not ask. Playing 20 questions with Tsubaki will just result in Tasuku understanding him less and less. Maybe he should just try hearing what he has to say?
"Yeah." A Pause. "Anything."
Tsubaki looks upset for the first time in this entire conversation as he thinks about what he wants to say. Eventually, he settles on something. "I think... I don't love my dad."
You should hate him, Tasuku wants to say, but he doesn't. There's a difference between not loving a parent and hating them, isn't there? There's something about not loving them that's more serious.
"Does that make me a bad person?"
Tasuku shakes his head no before he can really think about it. How could you be a bad person for that, anyways? Isn't that the entire point of... living like this? Accepting yourself? You should get to love who you want to love. And you shouldn't have to love people you don't want to love. As far as he's concerned, those concepts go hand in hand.
Tsubaki seems relieved just to have said it and not received a bad reaction. Eventually, he continues. "You wanna know something? He didn't have any interest in me at all until I started really getting good at volleyball in middle school, did you know that?" Tasuku didn't. He keeps going: "For the longest time, I thought I wanted something for him to... I don't know, be proud of? Like, I knew I wasn't enough on my own. He didn't give a damn about me until I started really performing. And I got his approval alright, but it just made me feel worse, I think, doing all that work to make him care about me. The more I got his attention, the more I thought about how I didn't have it from the start. Its like, I lost sight of myself, or maybe... I felt like I didn't know where he ended and I began. Does that sound stupid?" Of course it doesn't, Tasuku thinks, but Tsubaki barges on without waiting for his response. "Ugh, its so embarrassing, but I actually used to hate looking in the mirror. I felt like all I ever saw were the bad parts of me. I was so scared of screwing up, or doing something he didn't like, and then that approval would go away again, and then I wouldn't have anything. Well, guess what?" Tsubaki giggles a little to himself, almost hysterically, "It ended up happening anyways! Home's been hell ever since, he, y'know... found out. About me." Tasuku thinks he'll stop there, but Tsubaki surprises him when he frowns at his own words and tries again, this time saying, "Since he found out about me liking guys."
There's no fanfare, and the circumstances aren't exactly ideal. But this is a huge step for Tsubaki. Everyone at the lounge has understood this to be the truth for awhile now, but he's never actually said it in as many words before.
Still, he's clearly not 100% comfortable with declaring it just yet, because he quickly moves on. "Anyways, um, its really not just that. I realized, home's always been bad. That whole thing just put everything out in the open."
Its strange, but also a relief, hearing Tsubaki speak so honestly like this. They've had conversations like this before, of course, but not since all the drama settled down, after the wedding. Talking like this is hard, its exhausting, but it always results in him understanding his friend better. Tasuku is already connecting the dots on a few things he'd been confused by in the past.
Tsubaki pauses for a moment to swipe at his eyes, well, his non-injured eye. Tasuku hadn't even realized he'd been tearing up, his voice had sounded so steady. "After all that went down, I spent a lot of time thinking. I decided, I really don't wanna live like that anymore. Having to jump through hoops trying to make someone love me, I mean." He shakes his head as he speaks, "I'm tired of not being good enough, I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of running away. I wanna try running towards something instead, for once." He shoots a prolonged glance at Tasuku, and it feels meaningful, somehow. "...Um. I think I just forgot what I was getting at."
Tasuku finally speaks up, but only to assure him to keep going, its fine, just say whatever. He's never seen Tsubaki on a roll like this. Its incredible.
"Well, if you say so..." Tsubaki seems unsure, but starts back up again easily. "Hmm... oh, so, we've been fighting a lot, yeah? This whole time, I knew once he figured it out that I wasn't just gonna go back to begging for his approval anymore, well, then he probably wouldn't want me around anymore. Especially once I was done with school. So, I guess I've been waiting for this. I'm surprised it happened so quickly, though. Didn't even last 24 hours after graduation!" Tsubaki kicks his feet out, swinging back and forth a bit. "I feel like I got across the finish line just in time."
When enough time has passed that Tasuku is sure that Tsubaki has finished, all he can say is, "I had no idea."
Tsubaki barks out a laugh. "Of course you didn't! I was hiding it! How would you have known?" And there he goes, right back to acting cavalier about everything. "Seriously though. I just didn't see the point in talking about it when there was nothing anyone could do about it. I thought, I just need to get through high school, just need to wait it out a little more, just a few more months and its all over." He sighs. "And here we are. Its finally over. I almost feel like I should thank him for the black eye on the way out. Really seals the deal, makes it impossible to go back." When he sees the incredulous face Tasuku shoots him, he repeats himself. "Almost! I said almost, okay? But really, that surprised me. Who knew the old man had it in him?"
Okay, this is something Tasuku needs actual confirmation on. "So... this is the first time he's hit you, then?"
"Oh, yeah. He'd only ever yell and throw stuff around sometimes." Tasuku lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. Tsubaki seems to think over his own words, and says, "Actually... I guess I'm lucky he waited so long to take it this far. I'm not sure what I would have done if this happened earlier."
Tasuku shouts back in his head, how is it lucky that he only subjected you to all that other garbage instead? Wasn't it just as bad? He wants to call out Tsubaki's faulty logic: he's acting like getting hit wasn't a big deal, yet he's apparently drawn the line now that things have gotten physical. Hearing him talk, its obvious that the emotional abuse is what really hurt him, but he didn't see it as bad enough on its own to justify leaving or asking for help. Why endure the worse of the two? It doesn't make any sense, it doesn't add up, but that's an argument that can wait for another day. Tsubaki's really putting himself out there right now. He doesn't want to sit here and criticize him.
Besides, there's a more pressing issue right now: Tsubaki is essentially homeless. Tasuku wants to choose his words carefully, here. "So... what do you want to do now, Tsubaki?"
He doesn't appear daunted by the question. "Oh, I have a few ideas." He's aiming that grin at him again, the one that always makes Tasuku feel suspicious. "First of all, though, I need to get my own place. Shouldn't be that hard. I've been saving up from work." So that was on purpose. Tasuku feels a fresh wave of shame wash over him at not knowing what his friend was going through, when he had clearly been planning around this for months, but swallows it down. "...Other than that? I'm not sure." He smiles at him again, a genuine one this time. "Guess I'm still trying to catch up to you."
Its ridiculous, Tsubaki saying that. Tasuku still hasn't come out to his own family, and that's with the knowledge that it would almost certainly not go down like... this.
He's been telling himself that he hasn't found the right words, or that the right moment hasn't appeared, but to be honest? Things are good at home. He doesn't want to rock the boat. It feels like such a weak excuse, sitting here next to the guy he's in love with, who's been going home to hell every night, only to be ultimately disowned for his trouble.
At the same time, Tasuku knows that the reason he hasn't told them isn't because he's scared. Not anymore. There have been moments where he suspects they know, where he thinks, oh, this is it, they're finally gonna come right out and ask. And in those moments, he hadn't been scared. He could handle it, he thinks, if they found out on their own. He doesn't feel like he's hiding anymore, because he's not. He'll tell them the truth, they need only ask.
This isn't about him though. As a diversion, he asks, "You said you're staying in a hostel now, right? Why don't you just go to the lounge instead? There should be space for you, I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem."
Tsubaki thinks about that. "Yeah, but..." He points to his eye. "If Daichi-san saw this, she'd kill my dad herself."
They both laugh, but they also both know he's right: she would literally kill him.
"Well, I'll probably ask them for help, once this heals up, anyways. I just don't wanna make this into a whole situation, you know?" Once again, Tasuku doesn't know, but that's just how it is. "I want to try and do this on my own, I think."
"But you don't have to-"
"I know, I know, but I want to at least give it a try. At least at first. I've... never really done something like this for myself before. I wanna see how it feels, if that makes any sense..." When he sees Tasuku's still worried expression, he adds, "Hey, don't worry. If I screw it up, I know you guys have my back."
That really does make him feel better.
"In that case, let me help you out right now." Tsubaki raises an eyebrow at him. "You haven't eaten anything, have you? Your stomach was growling so loud this entire time I could hear it."
"Oh." Tsubaki looks down at himself. "I'm starving, actually."
Yep. He's as oblivious as ever. "C'mon. I'll buy you breakfast."
They've been sitting here, just talking, for so long that the sun has risen, and the early morning pedestrians look at them strangely as they walk by the playground. Tasuku hadn't ever met up with Utsumi, but he's sure he wont be mad once he explains his absence.
"If you insist..." Tsubaki hops off the swing. "Hey. Is this like a first date?"
Tasuku nearly trips trying to stand up. Normally he would just brush that off as teasing, but, well, Tsubaki had just sat there and basically bared his soul to him. So, Tasuku can be a little brave, too. "... If that's what you want."
It is.