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We have been together for almost five years now. We started the adoption process about six months ago.
We get the news today. We are denied again. This was the last chance. Some case worker with a holier than thou bug up her ass does not like the idea of the gay rockers with the piercings and tattoos and on the road life style. Like we have not already made plans on how everything is going to change once we get a baby. We made plans for when we are on tour. We had it all figured out.
It hits me harder than Adam.
I spend days in bed in tears ignoring the cruel world outside our door. Adam slowly gets me to leave the house. But at night it’s the same thing. The one thing I’ve always wanted taken from me.
I start to resent him. I feel guilty for doing so. All the thoughts of doubt that I had in the beginning before we were us come flooding back to me.
I don’t sleep much at night. My mind wanders. My heart sinks. I get pictures of my niece in my email and I sob. I see Lee or Monte sharing pictures of their kids or hear them telling stories and I just want to run. Hide where I can sink into a hole deeper and deeper until something takes all this pain away. Until the thought of never having a child is not consuming my entire life.
I pull away from Adam. I pull away from my family, my friends and my life. I spend hours alone writing songs for a child I will never have. For finger I will never feel, for a heartbeat I will never hear. For the smile that will never call me Daddy.
Adam quit trying a few months ago. We live together but our heart no longer beats as one. I still love him. He knows I have a lot that I am working through. He has had his entire life to deal with this realization. I’ve had six years.
I wrote one of my most emotional and challenging songs ever tonight. And when it was complete and the final note played I collapsed on the floor sobbing for hours.
When I awoke I knew what I had to do.
~ ~ ~ ~
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Tommy has not spoken to me in a week. It’s been four months since we got the denial. Four months since I lost my Tommy.
I have tried in so many ways. I have held him as we sobbed together for the loss.
I let him yell and scream and throw things all he needed for the hate in the world.
I gave him space to figure it out on his own. I listened from the hall as he spent hours in the music room writing the most heart wrenching songs. Crying for the pain he feels and for the man I love.
I am sitting on the couch when he comes in with his guitar and a bag.
Slipping his ring off his hand he put it in my palm.
As tears pool at my eyes I look up at him.
“Tommy..please...don’t.”
“I can’t Adam…I just can’t.”
He is almost to the door when I jump up running to him. Grabbing him in my arms kissing him with all the love I feel for him.
He pulls back and walks out the door.
I fall to my knees sobbing in pain as my one true love walks out of my life forever.
~ ~ ~ ~
I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over
It’s been four years since Tommy walked out of my life. I have never forgotten him. Never stopped loving him.
I hear things from Monte. He got married three years ago. He had a daughter two years ago. I have seen the pictures of him and her. The smile on his face from holding his child that I could never give him.
Monte kept us apart since we split up. Afraid of what we might do at a birthday party or new CD release party.
I walk in with the newest small blonde that I keep on my arm. They are all Tommy. Replacements for what I lost but never filling the void and hole in my heart.
I see Tommy with his wife Brianna and their daughter Adalin. I just freeze. What’s his name on my arm pulling me without making it look obvious.
I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t feel.
I can only see Tommy.
The blonde keeps getting me drinks. I am buzzed enough that I have the courage to go talk to him. Just talk, not to cause trouble like I promise Monte on my way over.
“Hi Tommy.”
“Adam…this is Brianna and my daughter Adalin.”
“She’s beautiful.” I bite my tongue to not add the just like you that is running through my head. He looks more amazing that I ever remember.
He is quiet. Acting like he does not know how to talk to me. The shy Tommy that I would always see at the big promotion parties.
The memory makes me smile and I leave before I say something I regret.
I go home and cry myself to sleep. Still mourning the loss of my Tommy. The one who can’t see in my face that it’s not ever going to be over.
~ ~ ~ ~
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah
That party at Monte’s was an eye opener for me. I quit looking for some random twink to replace Tommy.
I met Nathaniel a few months ago. Nothing majorly serious but it’s steady between us.
He looks like Tommy. They all look like Tommy. But he really looks like Tommy. He has the blonde hair, the dark brown eyes and the pretty face.
I know I’m not falling in love with him but he is good company.
And he is just like Tommy.
~ ~ ~ ~
Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
I found a letter today from Tommy. He wrote it before he moved out. The sadness I can feel from the letter breaks my heart again.
I can feel his heart sobbing. His pain and sadness over everything as he writes out the words.
The letter to his unborn child that he thought he would never have if he stayed with me.
I would have found a way to make this happen for him. I gave up to easy when he hid. I gave up to easy when he pushed me away. And I gave up to easy when he walked out the door.
I walked in on Nathaniel and some twink last week. Kicked him out of my house and told him never to return.
I’m still searching for that one that is just like Tommy.
~ ~ ~ ~
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
The new CD is out. I run to the store as soon as I can to get it. Brianna does not understand how I can still need his music as much as I do.
It’s the only thing that ties me to Adam. It ties me to my life that I had back then. It ties me to all that I walked away from.
I love Brianna. But not in the same way that I love Adam. I don’t need her like I needed him. Our hearts do not beat as one. We do not breath as one, move as one, or think as one. She is not in my soul, in my being like he is.
I play it for Adalin and she smiles. The songs are so painful on this one. It’s been so long yet I can still hear the pain in his voice. It’s getting worse. The first one after our break up was bad. But I was still in pain as well. Everything that I gave up...all for the chance of having Adalin.
But this one is even darker. The sadness flows from his voice as he belts out the tunes.
He is still miserable.
And when he sings the last song on the CD I know it is meant for me.
Holding my daughter close the tears are run down my cheeks. I know she is worth all the pain. I just wonder if my marriage is worth all the pain.
“I do remember you baby boy…”
~ ~ ~ ~
You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
Brianna left me today. She took Adalin with her. Brianna leaving did not hurt as much as watching Adalin leave.
My heart broke again. Shattered pieces inside me as I collapse unable to move from the spot in the hall.
My sister comes over and holds me as I cry. Friends call and stop by. I don’t pretend anymore. I realize today I’m not crying for Brianna. I’m crying for Adam. It’s always been Adam.
I watch videos from the first tour. The time when everything that made me fall in love with him was seen by the fans worldwide. When the smallest gesture he would do meant the world to me. A time when I was free and happy and in love.
The time of our lives falling in love that summer tour when everything was new and exciting and amazing.
So I cry myself to sleep. Wondering if ten years later is too late. Or if he found someone like me just like the song promised.
~ ~ ~ ~
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah…
I find myself at his house before I even know where I am driving. Hoping that it’s not too late for us, for our love.
He opens the door and I can see the shock on his face. I can only hope my eyes tell him what my mouth cannot right now.
The need I have for him. The love and the comfort that he has always filled my heart with.
“Tommy?”
“It was never over for me. I never forgot you baby boy. I never found someone like you. Love hurt us both and I’m sorry for that but sometimes it hurts…but sometimes it last…”
The tears fall across my cheeks as I wait.
When he pulls me into his arms I know I have hope.
When he kisses me softly I know my heart will heal as will his.
“I never found someone like you Tommy. It’s always been you.”
~ ~ ~ ~
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
We get married six months later. In front of all of our family and friends we show our bond of love that has lasted years.
After the ceremony I see Adam holding Adalin with the marriage certificate looking for me.
It’s then that I realize all my dreams have come true. That the pain and hurt was worth the one thing that Brianna could give to me.
Yet it was still Adam that made my dreams come true. And holding our daughter at our wedding is the perfect start to our new life.