Work Text:
Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more
I never expected to grow so close to someone so fast. Being on tour kind of expedites this relationship, being in each other’s personal space tends to do that. But I did.
Adam Lambert was a force that took over my life the moment I met him.
It started as just friends. We connected like I have never before. Then it was a little stage play here or there. Touches that lead to licks that led to kisses and then everything leading to my heart falling for Adam.
I never expected it, never really thought much about another guy. But here I am about to tell him everything, putting it all on the floor for him to either pick up to love or to stomp on.
It’s a hotel night. I got to his room late that night to try to tell him that I love him. That I have fallen for him. That I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
He listens. He asks me how much I have had to drink. He asks me about other guys. He asks me the same questions he always does. But this time I have more conviction. This time I need to make him believe.
I leave alone again. Once again for everything that I say, he says more.
~ ~ ~ ~
So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you, what you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Tommy tells me he loves me. He swears he is not drunk this time. He is, just like every time he comes in telling me he loves me. He can’t answer the questions I ask. He says he loves me with such conviction, like he really believes it.
But just like every time before it’s the whiskey talking. It’s always the whiskey talking.
I won’t let him into my heart like that. I’ve tried that before. It never works out. Even with the bendiest straight boy that thinks he is bi. I can’t let him in, can’t ask him to desert me like I know he will.
I tell him to leave. Goodbye for the night that feels like goodbye forever.
I have to keep things clear with him. I can’t let the turning tables get to me…or him.
~ ~ ~ ~
I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe
We are out a club a month later. The show tonight was great. When Adam grabbed my throat to pull me in for a kiss it made my breath hitch but I carried on with the show.
But now we are out on the floor dancing. And he grinds into me, plays with me like I am just a toy.
He grabs my neck to pull me in for a kiss. And I can’t breathe. Everything focused on Adam’s touch. Everything focused on his tongue sliding against mine, his taste on my lips. He kisses me like he wants me. Makes me believe he wants me like I want him. I can’t keep up with his turning tables.
~ ~ ~ ~
Under haunted skies I see you, ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down
Adam wants to be loved. He gives so much and feels like hes does not get it back. It haunts him in a way I will never understand.
I love him. I love him in the way he needs to be loved. He feels like he will never have that love he wants, that it is lost forever. He thinks that his one chance at love was ruined with Brad. That ghost of what they had will always haunt him.
I fight for him. I need him to believe what I tell him. But he keeps putting up a wall. Like a storm pushing me away. He starts hiding away from me. He never wants to be alone with me. There is always someone else there for my sanity he says.
He keeps trying to push me away. But the more he pushes the stronger I get. I will not be knocked down.
~ ~ ~ ~
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet
I can’t face Tommy. It hurts me to see him. He won’t give up, he keeps telling me that he is in love with me. I can’t let him get to me. I can’t get hurt when he decides he would rather have a woman again.
I feel so weak when it comes to him. He is so perfect. I know I have fallen for him, I just can’t let him know. I push him away. I tell him its for his sanity, but really its for mine. I can’t be brave enough to tell him how I feel. I can’t stand alone and open up to him like he has to me.
Maybe next time I’ll be braver when love calls for me. But when it comes to Tommy I am to weak.
~ ~ ~ ~
I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you, what you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah
Turning ohh
Adam found someone new. He deserted me. I guess I never had a chance.
I love him, but I can’t let him close anymore. He is already to close and hurt me. He deserted me before I could even fight for us.
So I say goodbye.
I leave the tour.
I leave my friends.
I leave my passion.
All to avoid Adam’s turning tables…