Chapter Text
I saw online this would help, I doubt it, really. I’ve been dealing with these feelings for months. It’s unrealistic to think this will make me help something other than pure sadness, it’s unfair to lie to myself that it can be this easy.
They told me to try, and so, I will. Anything to make something cause me to crack a smile.
And so, I will try. For him.
Dear Diary,
I miss him.
The days blur together into one until it just becomes, too cloudy. The kind of weather that appears to ruin your late-night drives at 3 am, making the road fuzzy and vision so blurred that it makes your sight the kind that needs such a high vision prescription that makes the glass thick enough to make the frames slide down your nose.
I find myself common to ramble, the kind of rambling where it turns a simple sentence into an hour-long conversation. I’ve been told that its a trait many envy, yet, I would trade it for anything in the world. It makes everything so much harder to do and feel. I miss the times when everything would feel so simple, easy and built to make sense, build solely for the purpose to make me smile.
I find talking to others about my feelings a challenge, especially when they’re commonly mocked until it becomes one huge joke.
I don’t ever think they intend to make me feel like that. As if they don’t care; but, it utterly breaks me when they would crack a laugh after my minutes of letting something off my chest, especially when it would take so long for me to find the words to express why the tears would spill when I would sit alone trying to fall asleep.
I miss it when he could listen. When he would care.
That feeling is gone, and very much missed.
He would listen just enough, enough to know and feel empathy. The others don’t. They never will.
Just because they don’t understand, and I don’t think they ever will find it in their hearts to attempt to listen.
That’s why I miss him so much, or, at least, that’s what I want to tell myself.
I don’t like to admit that it’s because of her. I don’t like to think that he listens to her struggles and cries out for help. I don’t like to think that he cares and helps her. That was built for me, from me.
How can he help her, I always thought it was something he was incapable of doing, that's what he would always tell me. I wouldn't take his little advice and sly comments to heart because he would always reassure me that he was trying his best, and that was enough for me, enough to make me think he cared.
Yet, somehow when I find myself watching their streams, little dates and picnic benches on the Minecraft world, I can’t help to find myself to envy what she receives, he told me he was incapable of feeling this way toward someone, that he struggled to express his emotions and it was hard to open up, help his friend.
I don't know why I was surprised when I saw him giving her so much support and empathy, because, it was always an exception for her.
It hurt even more, just because it was the same ip he had brought me to, so long ago. The same hill, the same flowers, the same man. Just decorated with more care because he wanted to impress her.
Why did it have something else that I didn’t have before, why did it have love?
I know it’s wrong. That I should let her have this if I wanted it so bad, since, it was clear to assume that she wanted it and deserved it a lot more, being in the role of his.
It’s not fair to hold a grudge against her just because of his mistakes and flaws in our friendship, but it’s also unfair to myself to not feel how I do.
How can he be everything he couldn’t be before all of a sudden.
How can he give the perfect advice, give her the perfect smile and the right giggles to make her giggle in response?
How can he talk to her like that, with a tone so loving that I had been searching for, for as long as I can remember?
How can he stick to her like glue? Send her good mornings and goodnights? Respond to every call she would send his way?
How can he love her, and not love me?