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Make sure nobody sees you leave- hood over your head, keep your eyes down…
Oh yes, Sabrina knew the rules. She had memorized them, and she repeated them silently to herself as she walked, each word ringing painfully in her head.
Yes, she knew the rules.
Tell your friends you're out for a run; you'll be flushed when you return…
Sabrina quicked her pace, checking over her shoulder to make sure she wasn’t being followed. Chloé had reminded her about the press, the disastrous fallout, every single consequence she could think of, but if Sabrina was honest… She didn’t really see how catastrophic Chloé said it would be.
She understood that Chloé wasn’t out yet- Sabrina wasn’t either- and she understood that Chloé’s father had the election coming up, but did she really think that Paris would shun her for it? The city had become so accepting lately- Alya had come out as bi two years ago, and they already had Juleka and Rose dating in their class. There was no issue with any of that.
Secretly, Sabrina thought Chloé was scared for her reputation. Chloé had been known to try to make the most well-known men in Paris fall for her. She was the head bitch in charge, and she was stunning- what would the world do with all that information if it came out that the girl really fell in love with girls? With Sabrina?
She didn’t know, but part of her didn’t really care. Either way, she loved Chloé, and Chloé loved her.
What started in beautiful rooms ends with meetings in parking lots.
Except she was afraid, too. Sabrina was terrified of the love that roared and raged in her, like tidal waves crashing against the sand, but she’d never try to change it. It was hers, and it was part of her. It was written in her bones that she’d love Chloé.
Most of all, though, she was afraid of Chloé’s fear. She should be happy- and she was, she really was- but she was terrified as well, terrified of losing what she’d found. She’d gotten a taste of what it was like to love Chloé- to truly love her, and to have her as her own- and she was scared to lose it.
Already, things in their relationship- if Sabrina could even call it that- had changed. When Chloé had first kissed her, held her close and whispered sweet nothings in her ear, it was in Le Grand Paris. They were sequestered away in her private suite behind a locked door, and it had been beautiful and wonderful. Now, they were hiding in the back of a parking lot, stealing kisses and glances and nothing more. Their relationship was dwindling, and Sabrina was scared that soon it would be nothing more than hands brushing in the hallways or lingering stares, and she couldn’t lose Chloé like that.
No, her heart couldn’t bear that.
And that's the thing about illicit affairs and clandestine meetings and longing stares…
She stumbled a bit on a crack in the road as her heart rate quickened. She might lose Chloé. The thought hadn’t fully occurred to her until now, as she was walking to meet Chloé. Their meetings had become shorter and more closeted, and Chloé’s eyes had been filled with more fear every time Sabrina had walked towards her in a darkened corner. It wasn’t what she wanted, but she couldn’t do anything but watch as Chloé slipped away from her and into fear.
It dies, and it dies, and it dies a million little times…
But Chloé loved her. Right? She’d always known that she had- Chloé loved her, even if she was afraid to say it. Chloé loved her, and she knew because she had loved her when they were seven, and now she said it with the way her hand caressed Sabrina’s knee, and the way her eyes lingered a little too long on Sabrina’s, and how Sabrina was the only one allowed to see Chloé with her hair down.
Chloé with her hair down was so, so beautiful.
But would Chloé loving her be enough? Sabrina didn’t know anymore and that shook her to the bones, so much that she needed to stop walking and lean against a tree for support. Chloé loved her, and their relationship could still flicker out like a feeble flame.
How hadn’t she realized? She was observant enough to watch her friend’s relationships. Alya and Nino had loved each other since Lycee, but she’d watched the cracks form in their relationship as they grew up, and she’d heard that they were crumbling.
And they had loved each other.
Take the words for what they are: a dwindling, mercurial high…
So Sabrina’s love wasn’t enough. The fact that Sabrina loved Chloé like she had loved no other wasn’t enough- it wasn’t enough to save their relationship, to save Chloé from herself, for anything.
So then what was it worth, anyway?
And that's the thing about illicit affairs and clandestine meetings and stolen stares…
Her love couldn’t save their relationship. It couldn’t hold them together as they drifted apart, and it couldn’t conquer the fear in Chloé’s heart, and if it couldn’t do any of that… it wasn’t worth anything to Sabrina.
They show their truth one single time, but they lie, and they lie, and they lie a billion little times...
The worst part was that she knew Chloé loved her too. SHe had whispered it, just once, as they had lay together in Chloé’s room. Sabrina was supposed to be asleep, but she had heard it all- she had heard the whispered apologies, the love profession, and the promises- but they were all empty, weren’t they? Because Chloé was still too afraid to fight for them, and everything since then had been a lie if Chloé didn’t want to fight for them.
Sabrina sighed, standing up and continuing her walk. Towards Chloé. Towards pain.
Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me…
She knew she shouldn’t go, but maybe this was her fate- to be stuck loving someone so immensely that even the impending doom of their relationship wouldn’t scare her off. She’d just be left to watch it crash and burn and crumble, and then she’d go and pick up the pieces of her heart as if nothing was wrong because she’d do anything for Chloé. She loved her, and she’d fight for her, even if Chloé couldn’t do the same.
You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else…
And god, if their brief stint of a relationship really was ending, she’d savor every second of it. She couldn’t lose Chloé’s touch, her taste, her words and her soft, laughing voice. She needed every second she could have of it. Every second would hurt, would burn her and scatter her ashes, but she needed it.
She was a fool for Chloé.
You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else...
She walked faster and faster, approaching the secret hiding spot she knew Chloé was in, her doubts about the meeting place fading behind her. She loved Chloé, and if their relationship would die and kill Sabrina alongside it, so be it.
Anything for Chloé.
And you know damn well for you I would ruin myself a million little times…