Chapter Text
Buffalo plaid jacket sleeves hugged my arms. Not enough to warm me up, I decided to tuck my bare hands inside the jacket pocket. Sorel boots made their way past down the streets. Late November was always like this. When autumn mingled with winter, came the uncertainty frigid. Walking alone like this made you easily immersed into the pool of thoughts. It was amazing how it went from today's weather, a little bit further to abandoned work documents that should be sorted, until the contemplation of universe and fate. Talk about fate, fate was such an overused word in every tragic or sappy love story wasn't it? I remembered some physicists like John Wheeler and Richard Feynman had stated that causality was a two-headed arrow and the future might influence the past. However, according to Einstein, nothing should be able to do that to an extent of quantum mechanics itself. Human made these perplex hypotheses for non existent things that god made it seemed so easy doing it. Quite enticing to say the least.
As i rubbed my hands inside my jacket pocket to find the exact warmth, i felt a lump of fabric on the left side of pocket. The realization awakened me, remembering that i had to give these gloves back to shorty. "No, just keep it to yourself," he told me once on the phone long time ago. My shoulders relaxed after another piece of memories had encountered back. It had been 2 years ever since i borrowed his...and moved to another country for work. I put the gloves near my face as I inhaled slowly the scent of now freshly laundered gloves. The scent converted to nostalgic feelings. Giggle escaped from my lips when i saw the vision of shorty scolded me to always keep the gloves nice and clean.
"How long will you use my gloves?" He asked with the usual grumpy expression drew on his face.
"OH MY GOD, SORRY LEVIIII, I FORGOT TO GIVE IT BACK TO YOU!" I replied with the usual hyper tone. As expected from him, he clicked his tongue.
"Just remember to wash those things off daily. I wouldn't like to smell the stench from afar," he replied as his gaze moved to the scenery of highway behind the cafe window beside him. The next thing he did was taking a sip of a black tea he usually ordered, savoring every taste that streamed down through his throat. The tranquility of cafe matched well with whatever the chemistry we were in. Times like these were where we would joke around aside from work-related talk. Well, sometimes though.
"Have you seen how that Jäger kid just messed up the scanner machine on his first day of work? It was such a pain in the ass," Said Levi with scoffing undertone in his voice. "And that Kirschtein or whatever the hell his name is, put up a fight when sorting the documents together with that Jäger. Oh, it's been a long time since i haven't had anything to kick besides my punchbag," said Levi. I almost choked my frappe drink when i heard his mockery. I couldn't help but laugh as the voice erupted inside the cafe. I knew pretty well i just distracted the serene surroundings, but let's be real, if your friend pulled out the funniest punchline or a joke, how could you even resist to not laugh? Levi responded in demanded whisper saying, "be quiet, will you?"
"Sorry, shorty, your mockery have always been my favorite thing to hear ever since the freshman year."
"I don't know if that's bad or good to know."
"Guilty pleasure exists for a reason, you know?"
He only replied with a short hum. At times when conversation was giving the opportunity for feelings to be exposed, i could only give him some hints. It was hazardous when you let emotions played the role.
"Say, imagine if i have the budget to travel to that titan museum across the Europe, what do you think?" I asked to Levi who was looking at his papers lazily. Without leaving his eyes from that object, he replied, "Sure. Good luck with that." I playfully made frown reaction, hoping he would talk more. When he noticed, he turned his posture to face me directly.
"Don't you have anything to say other than that?" I asked.
"I don't know, but as long as it satisfies your interest, then why not?"
"Well yeah, you're not wrong....but..."
"But??"
"What if i take you to travel with me? Would you mind??"
His languid eyes were widen a bit as a response to my question. I realized what i was saying and immediately added things up to prevent misconceptions. It ended up i babbling some gibberish words.
"N-no!! I mean, it's not just both of us, like, we could invite other close friends too, you know??"
"Yeah, i don't mind."
My tensed body relaxed once i heard his calm answer. Another silence slipped into the atmosphere. Not until he broke the bubble with a sentence that was enough making me flustered.
"But actually, just the two of us is a good idea too."
Boom. There was an inner bomb detonated my mind.
"Because you're already as noisy as 100 people combined. Maybe invite Erwin is okay too."
I giggled to see his reaction, but deep inside, i was out the roof. This man was minimum of words, because he oftenly spoke through language of actions. However, once he spoke up about things, he didn't fail to awe me. Memories were the only thing i had now. These gloves were the last memoir i had from him. Looking back at the latest chat with him which was 3 months ago brought me a bittersweet yearn. Maybe if life were a movie, it was easy for me to replay the scenes i was fond off.
Reminiscing memories while walking down the streets made a person looked like as if they were sleepwalking with their eyes open. Because in a midst of nostalgic moment, my toe kissed the edge of the park bench legs. Harshly. "Shoot!" Curses escaped my lips as i hurriedly took a seat on the bench and stroked my bumped toe, in a hope that the pain could abate. After it had subsided, my breath had gone back to its normal pace. The pain was still there, but somehow it was much better after a few strokes. I guess they're not lying when they said pain taught you lessons. One of the lessons was that you should not be lost in your own thoughts while walking alone. Weirdly enough, a part of me hoping someone or people would look at my frivolity i just made and laugh in front of my face. In that way, i wouldn't have to bear the amount of embarassment all by myself. The intensity of the pain would not be as immense as the pudency i felt. I didn't mean that i crave for attention, not one infinitesimal bit, but anyhow the attention could be the prompt solution at times like this.
Just as i was going for another inner thoughts runaway whilst gazing upon the scenery of the park, a faint voice of a discordant shriek that soon turned into weeping filled my ears. Impossible if i said that it didn't push my instinct to approach to its source along with the heart-wrenching pitch tinted inside the voice which was enough for my empathy to stir. Luckily, my once bumped toe slowly healed, adequate to scurry to the source of the voice. I wasn't aghast when I found out the owner of the voice was a kid, maybe around 7 year old, i think? I didn't bother to think further about the age when i had to stop the cries.
The kid was in a slump position while holding his injured leg. I kneeled down to position myself with the kid. Seeing his grimy and wounded knee elevated my dismay. I stroke his head and any other attempt to calm him down leastwise. How i wish i had brought first aid kit or bandages with me. "Don't worry....you'll be alright...just hold my hand..." Seemed weird regarding the fact that i was a stranger, but i had to do it. With sobs that still remained, he held my hand.
"Good, now take a deep breath."
He inhaled.
"Imagine something you interest in...maybe about--"
"Planes."
"Good! Now imagine a plane and use it to count from 1 to 10."
I helped him counting from 1 plane until 10 planes. Hopefully enough to distract him from the sting of his scar. Seeing this kid's jet black hair somehow reminded me of shorty. 'No, this was not the time to be in the nostalgic train when someone was in the need of help here,' as i thought.
"5 planes...6 planes...7 planes....8 planes...."
"HENRICK!"
Our countings were interrupted by a deep voice and the sound of steps came directly toward us, which i assumed it was his father. We turned around to met the owner of the voice. I swear to god, i had never been so shocked to see a person like this before. What do they call the shock in a happy way?
"Levi???" Still in a state of flabbergasted by the view, i blinked my eyes rapidly to make sure if my minus hadn't increased yet. "Hanji?? What's going on here?" Apparently, he was also in a middle of shocked to see me. He carried the kid when the kid walked to him. "She helped me calm down by counting when my knee is hurt," answered the kid happily. Levi immediately looked at his feet and found the scar on his knee. I was still in my shock state.
"Levi?? Who is this kid??"
"It's...my son."
"Your son?? With who?"
There was a pause before he replied me with an answer I wish i had not heard and known anything once i acknowledged that.
"...Petra."
I clenched my fist. The walls were deteriorated. All there was left was questions remained unanswered in my head. 'Since when??' and 'How??' questions stirring up my mind. My stomach felt something inside, but this time it wasn't butterflies like i used to be with him. It was twisted feelings. Seemingly, the butterflies had died simultaneously when this happened. I wanted to fume over him. I wanted to lash out everything. He could have told me that he chose other woman, but what can i do if the red string wasn't tied up to be with me? Anger didn't resolve anything when no options of words can be put properly into sentence. Then again, i realized one thing:
He was never mine to begin with.
I saw his normal weary eyes that i couldn't tell what he was thinking by now. His gaze fixed to the gloves i wore. Might be thinking about how i was loyal and remember to even wear his gloves after 2 years apart and couldn't bother to buy new ones. We were trapped in a painful yet vacant silence. Out of words, but i decided to do one thing.
"Hey, uhm...i remembered to give this back to you, thank you by the way," as i handed him his gloves.
"But didn't i say to just keep it to yourself?"
"It was a bit tight after i had worn it just now," wrong. That was a lie.
"Okay then..." He replied shortly. Seeing him grabbed his gloves back was like bidding farewell. To the old memories. To the remnants of joyful time. To the new life. To the affection and feelings that had never once been requited. I had witnessed every pieces of scenes of life, but i didn't like this one. I didn't like how it ended. I was ready to say goodbye before i head off until he said something to me.
"Thank you, Hanji."