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Seojun’s used to it by now, the earful he gets from Jugyeong’s father every time he steps a foot past the threshold of their house. The stay innocent, and the, I’ve been taking carpentry lessons, carving flesh is much easier than wood.
It doesn’t come as a surprise, especially since he and Jugyeong have grown close enough to cuddle while watching TV and to cook together and help her father move things around the house. He trusts Seojun enough to let them close the door to her room when he’s around.
Today’s different.
When he throws one of his innovative threats Seojun’s way, Seojun doesn’t laugh. Or smile. His heart doesn’t do a flip at the prospect of this man treating him like his son-in-law.
He just nods his head, bows his respect, and walks up to Jugyeong’s room. The room that used to be her sister’s.
She’s sitting cross-legged in bed, the plaid hairband he bought her a while back holding her hair away from her face as she pages through a comic book. He stands in the doorway, his hands on either jamb with a small smile on his face.
There’s something about seeing her do things she enjoys that makes her glow. Makes his heart ache a little more.
“Are you just going to stand there watching me?” she says a small while later, licking her thumb and turning the page of her book.
Seojun clears his throat and stands upright. “I was waiting for you to finish reading,” he affirms, waving a hand vaguely in her direction. “I’m told my beauty’s distracting,” to emphasize his point, he flicks his hair away from his face in an overexaggerated display of conceit and revels in the laugh it draws out of her as she lifts her head to look at him.
“What? Were you Narcissus in your past life?” she scoffs.
He steps into her room and pulls his jacket off. There’s a casualness in the way Jugyeong scoots over and pats the bed beside her, like she’s used to him being around.
It takes him a second to realize he always sits in the same spot, like he has a side in her bed. There’s a moment of euphoria, followed by a dawning twinge that starts gnawing at his insides as he approaches her and sits down next to her. The bed dips, mattress springs squeaking under his weight as he mirrors her posture. He places a hand flat on the bed and leans over to peer over her shoulder. “Aish. Your obsession with horror’s killing me.”
“Don’t shame me,” Jugyeong elbows him lightly.
He props his chin on her shoulder. “I’m not shaming you,” he replies. “As long as you’re happy.”
Jugyeong smiles, tilting her head slightly. “You’re being too nice,” she muses, more to herself than him. “Did dad threaten you again?”
“Mm,” Seojun hums.
Jugyeong closes the book quietly and turns her head to look at him, making him draw back and sit upright. “Are you okay?” she asks, pulling her hairband off. Ever the perceptive one.
Seojun isn’t used to beating around the bush. He says things as they are and hopes for the best. So. “Suho’s coming back tomorrow.”
Jugyeong’s smile shrivels up, shying away from the statement. That’s her first reaction. But then she’s smiling again. “He is?” she echoes.
There’s hope there. And sadness. And there’s the sound of Seojun’s heart shattering to more pieces than he thinks it’s made of. He nods his head once, squeezing his eyes shut with a crooked smile.
Jugyeong looks down at her lap, twiddling her thumbs as her own smile loses width again.
Seojun lifts a hand, letting it hover over her hair for just a moment before he pushes it away from her face and holds her chin between his thumb and forefinger to lift her head. She smiles at him again, wide and eye-crinkling and so fuckingbeautiful despite its insincerity and despite the sadness locked up just behind it.
Seojun runs a thumb over the apple of her cheek. “Are you okay?”
She nods her head quickly in his hold. “Why wouldn’t I be?” she chirps.
She’s pulling away before he can tell her exactly why she wouldn’t be, and plopping back to stretch out on the bed, back facing him. She fiddles with the remote to switch the TV on then looks over her shoulder, raising a brow like what are you waiting for? “Cuddle me.”
Seojun chuckles a low throaty thing and lowers himself to lie down behind her. He props himself up on an elbow, head rested in the palm of his hand as he combs his fingers through her hair. He leaves her with her thoughts for a while, just playing with her locks the way she likes until her favorite show ends and she turns the TV off.
She’s too quiet.
“Are you okay?” he whispers, head resting in the crook of his elbow as his hand eases to a stop against her head.
She doesn’t respond. She just. Eases back against him as though his closeness is the only protection she’s ever known. Grabs his hand to loop his arm around her waist and sinks against his chest with a wobbly exhale.
Seojun hurtles to breaking point. Takes a deep breath and pulls her tightly against him. “I want to tell you something.”
“Mm.”
“I don’t want you to kill me when I’m done, okay?”
“No promises,” Jugyeong murmurs. She’s blindly playing with the rings he’s adorned his fingers with, twisting them in a practiced rhythm before she’s pulling the crown one on his index finger off, and.
She’s putting it on her own finger. Sliding it onto the middle one. It doesn’t fit there, so she takes it off, puts it on her ring finger instead and Seojun wonders if she can feel the quickening beat of his heart against her back.
It ends up on her thumb.
“Promise you won’t hate me.”
Jugyeong turns her head to look at him, but his confession’s written all over his face so he lifts his hand and turns her face away. His willpower would fall to bits if he so much as looks into her eyes.
“You’re scaring me,” she laughs out nervously.
“Juyoung,” Seojun swallows. “Your brother. Once told me. A long time ago, he said it just takes rejection to move on.”
“Juyoung said that?” Jugyeong laughs. “What? Is he spewing wisdom now? All I hear come from him is nonsense. Are you sure?”
Seojun’s hand curls into a fist, the sting of his nails digging waning dents into his palm distracting him from the burn in his chest. He pulls her even closer to him. Knows it might be the last time he gets to hold her like this. “Jugyeong-ah,” he speaks softly, eyes falling shut.
“Yah. You’re scaring me,” Jugyeong makes to turn around again but he only tightens his grip on her. Just a fraction, enough to tell her to stay still and listen.
“Do you remember the girl,” Seojun begins. He swallows to wet his throat. “The girl I told you I liked? The one who has a boyfriend?”
Jugyeong goes quiet. Then she laughs. It sounds off. “Two years ago?” her voice rises a notch in disbelief. “You haven’t gotten over her? Aish. You’re hopeless. Are you planning on stealing her? Taehoon might look soft, but he’ll kill you. So if you want to steal her, go faaar away. And remember—”
“I love you,” his voice breaks, dwindles into a breath halfway through. Then nothing. Ringing silence. White noise.
Jugyeong’s still against him.
“I can’t bear the thought of losing you,” Seojun whispers. Desperate. A last-gasp effort to hold their friendship together despite everything.
Jugyeong’s silence goes on, ripping him open single-handedly. He thinks. Maybe. He prefers rejection. Maybe he would’ve preferred it if he didn’t say anything at all and just let himself smolder in her for the rest of his life.
“I know…” his hold on her loosens. “How selfish it is. But I need to move on and I know you love Suho. I’m not asking anything of you.”
Jugyeong lets out a quivering breath.
“I just needed you to know. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.”
He waits. Every passing second feels like an eternity. Until.
“Ruin it.”
Seojun releases a breath. His heart pumps two years of pain out in a single pulsation. Two years of yearning. Of lingering eye-contact and electrified touches and a love too bittersweet.
Just like that. With one beat of his heart—
Jugyeong’s hand rests on top of his. She threads their fingers together.
—It’s the only beat that matters.