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The first time Cordelia hears it, she doesn’t give it much thought.
They were playing around, having fun as they would do whenever they went out on a date, and there was nothing more to it. It was perfect, plain and simple, until they were out of the restaurant they were dining at.
It wasn’t cold outside, in fact it was warm and humid, but they were still close. Pushed against each other as they enjoyed the lack of dread present at the moment. It was soft, sweet and nice.
Once they were away from everyone around them, Cordelia decided to push further.
She was certain, more certain than she had been in years, and felt an overwhelming amount of confidence as she stopped them in their path and took Charlotte’s hand.
There was a second where they both looked at their connected hands, and Charlotte gave her a smile she had never seen before. It was soothing, almost encouraging her more than before, and Cordelia couldn’t stop herself from letting out an internal squeal.
Charlotte was beyond definite.
‘’ What do you want me to do? ’’ She asks her, her voice slow and cordial, and Cordelia’s beating heart couldn’t stop for a moment. She gives their hands a squeeze, her eyes closing for a moment before opening again with a determined fire in them.
‘’Kiss me.’’ She responds confidently, her smile growing as Charlotte was delighted.
‘’I’d love to.’’
There’s just a second of anticipation before Cordelia was leaning down, fully engulfed in a quick brush that made her insides melt. The soft hand on her cheek was already enough to make her warm, so the feeling of Charlotte softening in her arms made her laugh.
There’s another beat of them silently looking at each other, before they both lean into more.
More of everything, that is. There wasn’t anything specific they had promised that night, but there was still a silent agreement that their relationship was not what it used to be. It was more, far more than words could describe. They may try to do so, but they would only end up with a mess of words.
It was better left undescribed.
The second time was out of frustration, when they were both on the verge of screaming but still keeping their voices low. They didn’t want to be brash, it wasn’t something they enjoyed, but they were both pent up and anything would have made them crack at this point.
She wanted change.
Cordelia wanted comfort and solidarity.
She found it hard to be consoled when Charlotte was barely there for her when she was in need of a push. Even if Charlotte told her that she was her priority, there seemed to be something standing in the way, blocking them from seeing each other.
So now, she was pouring her heart out, and leaving Charlotte with a mess she needed to fix. She was the one currently pushing away, and it was more than clear why.
Even if Charlotte tried to hide it, she was never fully there as herself. She was never who she is supposed to be. She had always been like that, ever since they met, where inconveniences didn’t seem to faze her as she bottled those feelings away, neither did the harsh world around them. She took everything as it came, without any release.
Cordelia hated that.
“ What do you want me to do? ” Charlotte snaps, her voice tense and she looks slightly afraid. Cordelia hadn’t noticed that before, neither could she since Charlotte was just now breaking out of her emotionless facade.
“Understand so that I can be with you.” Cordelia answers more softly, and that seems to break them out of their haze. Her voice was nearly cracked, and Charlotte takes a deep breath as she knows what Cordelia was going to say. ‘’Be yourself.’’
That made them both quiet, and Charlotte looked away.
Cordelia was almost scared that this would mean no, until Charlotte spoke again.
“I’ll try to. I’m sorry” She starts slowly, then shakes her head. “Okay, sorry won’t work. I will show you I can be better.” Cordelia smiled, and could only hope that this meant she would be with her in the present instead of ahead in the future.
It takes some time, where Charlotte fumbles with her words and finds it hard to comfort, but Cordelia was patient and gave her all the seconds needed. She was glad she gave her another chance, since Charlotte was a quick learner and proved that this relationship was important to her, and slowly did show her vulnerabilities as well.
The wall between them, that once held them from seeing each other, was instead around them. It was now shielding them from the world beyond, and left them both with a serenity they had longed for and found in each other.
The third time was when Cordelia dreaded to hear those words most. The look of defeat, the looming silence in the room and the distance between them. The distance that would still be there even if they were an inch apart.
With those words came an untold truth that this was going to be over, that there was nothing left.
“ What do you want me to do? ”
It was dismal, almost heartbroken, and she wanted to scream. There was nothing she could do, Charlotte knows that better than anyone, but she asks her anyway. Never was she the one who takes things for granted, since she always thought that things came to her once she earned them.
She wanted to hold her, tell her that she was doing fine.
“Hold me.“ Cordelia tells her instead, eyes darting away in fear as she takes in a shaky breath. A moment later, she was wrapped in her lover’s arms, eyes shut and her fists uncomfortably clenching the sleeves of her shirt.
She knows that she shouldn’t be asking for more, because even if Charlotte would bring her the seven seas, she would be breaking away sooner. So she asks for what was needed, and what she selfishly wanted.
‘’Stay with me.’’
‘’I’d be glad to.’’
There were no other words needed to be said, and they could only hope that it would never be necessary again.