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You hadn’t seen another jedi since The Purge. You had hoped that there were other survivors but you hadn’t met any, not until you heard rumors of a jedi appearing in the next town over. They were just whispers about a man with a lightsaber being spotted but it was enough to bring you to tears at the thought. You weren’t sure if it was joy or fear that overwhelmed you or some strange combination of the two but you had to know if there was truth to it. You made a point to travel that way and seek him out if possible but it wasn’t until you were on your way that you questioned whether or not you should seek out another jedi. Regardless of how much time had passed, you knew it wouldn’t be safe, but this nagging curiosity pulled you forward. You’d been alone for years now, maybe finding someone else like you could be a comfort. It was a risk you were willing to take.
He noticed you before you noticed him. Your wary eyes and anxious demeanor were enough to signal that you were searching for something, something that you were afraid to find. It was unusual. He was watching you make your way around the marketplace when you spotted Cere. You had stopped and opened your mouth to take a deep breath in. He followed you as you approached her, curious about how it was that you recognized her. She turned and looked you over when you stopped directly beside her. You didn’t speak but stared back at Cere for a second before moving your hands to sign her name.
“Master Junda,” you spoke silently with your hands and an eager but nervous look on your face. “Do you remember me?” She looked you over for a moment before her eyes lit up and her mouth opened.
“I do,” she said, signing back to you as she spoke aloud. “You were Bhan Chuu’s padawan.” You nodded, letting a smile onto your face. “Did she survive?” she asked. Your smile disappeared as you shook your head.
“She fell, protecting me. I’ve been here, all these years,” you signed. “Waiting to find another like us. I heard there was a man with a lightsaber seen here, so I came to see if it was true.” You were grateful she understood sign language, otherwise it would have been much more difficult to communicate. Cere motioned for the red haired boy who had been watching you to come over. He had to have been the same age as you, or close to it.
“This is Bhan Chuu’s padawan,” she introduced you. After telling him your name, he smiled, surprised and happy to see another jedi, even if he didn’t remember you from before. “This is Cal Kestis,” she added, introducing him as well.
“What have you been doing all this time?” he asked.
“Surviving,” you signed, looking up at him, “Repairing droids for a few credits. Living off scraps. But surviving.” You shrugged. He glanced at Cere before looking at you again.
“Do you want to come with us?” he asked with a hopeful smile. Your eyes widened in surprise at the offer. You had just met him and reconnected with the only others of your kind you’d seen in over half a decade and he asked you to come with them.
“Where?” you asked.
“Not sure,” he answered. “But it would be safer to talk about it somewhere else.” He and Cere glanced around. You couldn’t see any obvious danger but given the fact that they seemed more well traveled than yourself as of late, you decided to trust their judgment.
“I’ll finish the shopping,” Cere told him. “You go ahead.”
“Come with me,” he said, leading you through the marketplace. Once you were far enough away from strangers, he pointed out a ship sitting a little outside of town. “That’s ours. It’ll be safer to speak there.” You tapped his shoulder once you were closer to the ship.
“I assume you were the one with the lightsaber?” you signed. He pulled his poncho to the side to show you the lightsaber clipped to his belt.
“My master was Jaro Tapal,” he added. That name sounded familiar.
“Big, purple guy?” you asked with a smile, putting your hand up as high as you could to express how very tall he was. He chuckled and nodded.
“Yeah, that’s him,” he smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. You could see this somber look in his eyes as he stared ahead and it told you what you needed to know about what happened to his master. You all lost people and you didn’t want to bring it up if you knew it would only serve as a reminder.
Aboard the Mantis, Cal explained how he met Cere and managed to find the holocron and why he destroyed it. He laid out how they wanted to rebuild the jedi order. He did his best to convince you but after sitting on the ship and hearing his story, any anxiety you had about being near other jedi again disappeared.
“When do we leave?” you signed finally. You didn’t have anything to keep you here, nor did you really have many possessions to hold onto. It made sense in the moment to stay with them but it wasn’t until later, after meeting the rest of the crew and taking off for your next destination that things started to sink in.
On your first night on the Mantis, Cal walked back to the sleeping area and caught you shoving your lightsaber behind you when you saw him come in. It seemed strange that you would want to hide it from him but something in the serious look on your face made him hesitate to ask. Instead you chose to try and talk about something else before he could ask.
“I heard you fought a Sith Lord and survived,” you signed, playfully trying to change the subject. “That true?” He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair.
“Um, sort of,” he brushed it off. “Cere was the only reason we really survived and it wasn’t really a fight, more like an escape.”
“Still more than I could do,” you added. His smile was replaced with a concerned look as he gestured to where you hid your lightsaber.
“Why did you hide your saber when I walked in?” he asked. You looked down at your lap and debated whether you wanted to talk about it or not.
“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” you replied, but that was all the explanation you were willing to share. He nodded silently. He hadn’t known you long and didn’t want to push you, but he could sense your fear. You were afraid and he wasn’t sure of what. He couldn’t tell if it was the past continuing to haunt you or if it was something else. But he wanted you to know no one aboard this ship would force you to talk about it if you didn’t want to.
As time went on, you joined in on some of the less dangerous missions that the crew found themselves pursuing. Even though you didn’t communicate like the rest of them, you still felt included and a part of the team and after a while you even felt like they were your friends. Greez and Merrin didn’t know sign language but they still made attempts to learn. It had been a long time since you had tried to use the force for anything other than communication and self-preservation, but Cal especially was intent on helping you relearn many of the skills you had learned as a padawan and some that you hadn’t learned yet that he had. For all the training and tutoring you received while travelling with them, you never used or showed or mentioned your lightsaber. After years of trying to ignore it, it became almost easy to push it from your mind but seeing Cal with his own reminded you of it too often and with it all the memories of the Purge.
One night, perhaps a month or so after joining the Mantis crew, something happened between you and Cal. You considered yourselves to be good friends, but there was still so much he didn’t know about you. He didn’t know you from before, so to him you had always been unable to speak, but Cere remembered you as a youngling. She knew your master and remembered hearing your sweet voice when you would answer questions in class or when you would laugh while talking with other padawans. He hadn’t questioned the fact that you didn’t speak until Cere mentioned it and he couldn’t stop himself from asking. She told him how she remembered you as a child and he couldn’t help but wonder if something during the Purge caused you to stop speaking. It was obvious enough that you didn’t want to talk about it but one night when he himself was on his way to bed, he saw your lightsaber beneath your bunk with your things.
He knew he shouldn’t invade your privacy but before he knew what he was doing, it was in his hands and he was frozen in place as a memory flooded his mind.
You were crouched inside a vent, just barely out of sight and watching your master fight off nearly a dozen clones. They just kept coming, faster than she could fight them off. Your master’s voice sounded in your mind, reminding you to stay silent and out of sight. You did as you were told even as you watched her fall to her knees and give you one last look before she died.
“Survive. Trust in the Force,” she spoke in your mind one last time. Tears fell silently down your cheeks and you couldn’t make a sound but inside you were screaming.
He dropped the saber with an audible gasp, letting it clatter against the metal floor. You shot up to a sitting position where you laid in your bunk. Cal wouldn’t forget the horrified look on your face when you saw him standing there with your saber at his feet. You knew what he’d done and it brought tears to your eyes thinking of what he must have seen.
“I’m sorry,” he said, leaning down to pick it up. “I know you don’t want to talk about it but, it’s not your fault,” he added, holding the saber out to you, “What happened to Master Chuu wasn’t your fault. I know what you went through, and it’s not your fault. There was nothing you could have done.”
“Don’t,” you signed, glaring at him.
“I’m sorry,” he replied, looking down at the saber in his hands. It was obviously broken. Part of it looked like it was smashed in by something. Was that why you wanted to keep it to yourself? Did something happen to you after losing your master? After a few moments of you staring at him, frozen in anger or maybe fear, he decided to set the saber back where he had found it. Another bed pulled out of the wall and he laid down, like he intended to do in the first place. Even with him silent in the other bed and facing away from you, you couldn’t get back to sleep. What did he see? Did he truly know what you went through? He lost his master too but it was hard to imagine someone else feeling just like you did. You had to cower in fear just out of sight while your master laid down her life for you. You couldn’t be with her when she fell. She was alone while you fled. You left her. Being a jedi is all you know how to do but whenever you remember that night, you wish you’d never even learned what the Force was. Tears flooded your eyes and you tried to stifle the sobs that the memories brought up as you lived it again. You could feel the panic in your chest and the cold metal of the ventilation shaft beneath your fingertips. Your master’s voice commanded you to be silent and survive as you felt the voiceless sobs roll through you. For a time, you were that helpless child again, crouched in the shadows watching the only parental figure you’d known be killed by people who had come to feel like your friends. You looked out across the small room to where Cal slept. It wasn’t clear how much time had passed while you were trapped in those horrible memories.
“No,” Cal murmured, still facing away from you. Was he asleep? “No,” he said, his voice was hushed but with an almost panicked urgency, “Master!” Without thinking, you slid out of bed and approached him with your hands out. Kneeling beside his bunk, your hands met his shoulder but he didn’t wake when you gently shook him. He was in such turmoil it made you wonder if it had to do with your own panic attack. You reached out with the Force, trying to feel what it was that distressed him so strongly he couldn’t even wake from it.
Master Tapal stumbled backwards into the escape pod as young Cal desperately lashed out with the Force. A searing pain slashed across his cheek. The doors closed behind him and his master lay on the floor. Cal tried to focus on his master’s words as he tried to give Cal his final piece of guidance.
“Remember - Trust only - in the Force,” Master Tapal choked out his final words to his apprentice.
“Yes, master,” Cal could barely speak as he watched his master die.
As you witnessed Cal’s child self sit back and scream in anguish, you realized that you had felt every bit of the same pain before. Looking at him now, you wanted to wake him so badly. You wanted to apologize if you had been too curt with him before. For the first time in a long time, you tried to speak. Opening your mouth, you tried to say his name.
“C-C-Ca-” you hadn’t used your voice in years, it sounded like a whisper. You shook his shoulder a little stronger and tried again. “Ca-Ca-Cal. Cal,” you said his name almost clearly, tears still spilling from your eyes. “Cal,” you said a little louder and he gasped, jerking away from you. He rolled over and looked up at you in shock.
“Did you-” he began, “speak?” You nodded.
“I-I-I s-saw,” you said, hoping he would understand without needing to say it all.
“You saw,” he began, slowly sitting up, “what I was dreaming?” You nodded again.
“I’m sorry,” you signed, “if I was harsh with you.” You looked down before continuing. “I’ve never told anyone what happened. But now, I think you might understand.”
“I do,” he said, putting a hand on your arm to encourage you to come up and sit by him on the edge of the bed. “You don’t need to carry that memory alone. I saw what happened when I picked up your saber.” Your eyes widened, afraid of what memory he saw. “You didn’t leave her. You were a child and she made the choice to stand and fight so you could survive to see another day.”
“If that’s true, there was nothing I could do,” you supposed, “how do I stop the pain?”
“You don’t,” he said, an apologetic look in his eyes, but his expression turned hopeful, comforting even. “You have to remind yourself why you survived. For a long time, I was like you were, just trying to survive and not be found, trying to not die, but that’s not really living. But what we’re doing now,” he ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back as he looked away for a moment, “this is why we survived. It’s our turn to try and set things right, to make sure that they didn’t die for nothing. It will hurt, for a long time, but one day you’ll be able to think about it and it won’t hurt so bad. I don’t think it will ever go away, but with time it’ll become a part of you, just like any other memory.” All at once, you let yourself climb up to sit beside him and lean into him.
“I-” you spoke aloud carefully and slowly, just loud enough for him to hear, “ha-haven’t spoken in years.” Your hands were clasped in your lap as your head leaned against his shoulder. You hadn’t been that comfortable with another person since before. You didn’t even realize he had moved until you felt his hand on yours, gently gripping your hands beneath his own.
“Because of what happened?” he asked hesitantly. You nodded. “Does that mean you’re ready to speak again?”
“M-maybe,” you whispered.
“I like hearing your voice,” he added, a smile in his voice. You scrunched up your nose and pulled away from him to sign.
“But it sounds awful,” you frowned. To you, it sounded scratchy and faint, nothing like you remember it when you were younger.
“No, it isn’t,” he smiled. “I like it.” You rolled your eyes and let yourself smile back at him.
“Thank you,” you signed. He was quiet for a moment and you watched his smile fade.
“Can I ask what happened to your lightsaber?” he said finally, looking you over carefully. You watched his green eyes observing you and tried to find the will to tell him.
“I-” you began aloud, speaking each word with care. “I broke it. I was afraid and angry. I d-didn’t want to be a Jedi after watching her die. I haven’t tried to repair it.” You wrung your hands as you spoke. You’d never told this to anyone, no one ever had the chance to ask.
“But you feel differently now?” he asked gently. You felt a smile tug at your lips as you nodded.
“I want-” you paused, trying to gather your emotions. “I want to live up to her sacrifice. I want her to be proud of me,” you spoke slowly and deliberately. He gave you a comforting smile and you knew he understood that sentiment well. Reaching out with one hand, you pulled your lightsaber into your hands from beneath your bunk and looked down at it. “I should try to repair it.”
“I can help you, if you need it,” he offered. Looking down at the lightsaber in your hands, you shook your head.
“I can do it,” you said softly. “I should let you sleep,” you said, standing up. After pausing a moment to stare at the workbench on the other side of the room, you approached it and decided to get to work. Cal watched your determined face as you walked away and set your mind to the task at hand. He hadn’t expected you to do it right now but he was glad to see you trying to take steps to heal so quickly. It made him glad to know that there were other padawans who endured the same things and survived. It was a comfort to know neither of you were alone.