Archive of Our Own

Ellie pried the rotten boards off the frame, cursing as a splinter of wood dug under her skin, sucking on her thumb she angrily tugged the rest of the boards down. They were still there after she and Joel had put them up almost seventeen years ago after they left. She had pressured Joel into helping her board up the front, since he had shattered the glass to get into the damn building in the first place. The last thing she wanted was this place of forgotten knowledge and wonder to get run over by infected. Or an errant boar. While there were no signs of infected, there were still signs of activity. One of the boards had be covered in patches dark wiry fur, a smear of blackened dried blood crossing from one side to the other from some animals brushing up against the door.

Infected were rare out this way. The water levels managing to keep them from making it too close during the summer. In the winter the fallen trees created a blockade of sorts that few made it over. And if they did, the lack of prey in the area would send them back towards Jackson.

Through the thick over growth that came of the awning in curtains, Ellie noticed the old concrete slab of the museum had taken a hit, a deep crack spider webbed its way across the front, as a result a few metal letters had fallen off entirely. The sign now read: Wyomin Museum o Since and story bitterly admitting the universe had a clever way of acknowledging the past.

Behind her the old life sized statute of the Tyrant Lizard King loomed, the wire frame poking through the old wire frame, plaster, and concrete. A bit more than it had all those years ago. The weathered exterior that made up it’s skin had more overgrowth ferns and ivy crawling along it’s spine, tufts of green patching up the holes in it’s side. A gentle wind picked up, swaying tree branches, carrying out the musty smell of a world lost to time out the open door.

The sweep of the area she had done with her patrol two weeks ago had turned up a few runners and clicker a mile out from here. Everything else had been quiet and that had made this trip easy to plan. Dina had been against her going alone at first. The old fear of abandonment rearing it’s ugly head. They had talked it out over a few nights, coming to the compromise that Ellie would go to the outpost half a mile away and radio in first, before heading over to the museum, and checking in on her way back to Jackson. Something she was more than willing to do for the chance to have some time to piece this part of herself back together.

That’s what she was here for, to prepare.

Dropping to her knee Ellie removed her pack, unzipping it she pulled out an airtight baggy. Holding it up to the mid morning light she chuckled at the memory of how excited seeing the book had made her, even if Joel had been a smug ass about it to keep his little secret.

“It was a dinosaur a book, Joel you could have acted like it was cool.” Mumbling to herself Ellie popped open the bag, unsealing with a satisfying release of air as she pulled out the old thin green book she had kept all those years. The edges were worn from almost ten years of JJ reading and re-reading it. She was pretty sure he wouldn’t even need the book to talk at length about the exhibits inside. Having memorized the information within by the time he was eight.

Thirteen. Her Tater, her little Potato, her son, he wasn’t so little anymore. This past winter he had turned thirteen, accountable for his actions now. He was already halfway to fourteen, being patient for his special present that required him to pass a swimming and survival test devised by herself and Dina. They had taken him out past the lake last fall, made sure he could find his way back to Jackson, track food and other basics. Along with the basic survival training Jackson put kids over ten through, Dina had taken him on plenty of trips when she was working out on the dam, the kid loved electronics almost as much as she did. Ellie felt confident he’d be okay.

He was voracious about learning, and she loved him all the more for it. Dina would always say JJ got it from her, but there was no way. He was much smarter than she ever was, that brilliance was all Dina.

Adjusting the old display, Ellie wiped the clear panel with her forearm, removing the layer of dust that had gathered, obscuring the words “Exhibit Entrance”. Placing the old booklet back where she had found it first all those years ago.

The main lobby seemed the same, a few turned over gift racks, there was still a veritable amount of old toys, Ellie knelt down and picked up a T. rex grabber toy. A surprisingly vivid – for its age – green, vaguely dinosaur shaped head stuck atop a red rod with a tan handle at the bottom. Pulling on the trigger she made the plastic head talk.

“Hey there, folks.” She angled the head to address the remaining amount of brontosaurus figurines. “What do you call a Velociraptor who stubbed his big toe?” She paused for a second, “A dino sore!”

Miming the sound of an audience, Ellie let the toy clatter back down on the concrete floor.

“Alright, Ellie. Enough fucking around.” Passing by the Deinonychus exhibit she remembered how adamant Joel had been about the whole Velociraptor thing. Even after seeing Jurassic Park dozens of times she still couldn’t understand how he got them confused.

Entering the open pavilion Ellie felt her jaw drop with awe – a long forgotten motion – as the sight of light filtering in from the roof dappled over the bright green foliage that had grown in her absence. Ivy crawled over the walls obscuring the exhibit names, grass up to her knees, trees now twice as tall as they once were cracked the tiled pathway that wound around each exhibit platform gnarled roots poking through. She closed her eyes, letting the warmth take her, imagining the skeletons sprouting feathers and scales, alive and roaming the halls.

Pulling out the small radio Dina had fixed for this occasion, Ellie hid it among the ferns by the side of the stegosaurus exhibit. Pulling out a black cassette with a crudely made dino-shaped label on its front, she placed it into the tray, closing it, before turning the volume up and pressing play. A loud, rumbling roar cut through the quiet, echoing off the walls, along with the background noises of a jungle as someone in two-thousand eleven had thought the period when dinosaurs roamed the land sounded. The place sounded alive around her and Ellie’s whoop of joy bounced off the walls as well, grinning as her plan could actually work. She’d have to kiss her wife thrice as much to thank her for her last minute fix. Not that Dina would ever complain about the extra work, not when Ellie and JJ were involved.

It had taken a mighty effort between her and Dina, but thanks to Eugene’s library stash of old and forgotten things, they had managed to procure a cassette and load it up with the sounds from an old CD that had been used for some sort of special library reading event at one point.

Satisfied with the acoustics, Ellie rewound the tape and tucked it away covering it with enough fronds so it wasn’t noticeable. All she had to do was wait until JJ was distracted and then pretend to tie her shoe and he could experience the full breadth of the auditory wonder of Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous periods.

Climbing over the safety railing Ellie touched a hand to the head of the stegosaurus.

“It’s been a while huh?” She asked its bony grin.

“Yeah,” she responded out the corner of her mouth pitching her voice up cartoonishly, “You’re a fossil yourself now, huh?”

“Okay, rude.” Ellie muttered to herself, as if she hadn’t been in control of the skeletons response. It was strange being back here alone, the same sense of wonder filled her now as it had then, the only thing missing was Joel. Unconsciously, she re-adjusted the watch on her wrist, fidgeting with the worn leather strap.

Running a hand along the cool metal of the railing guarding the Brachiosaurus, Ellie followed the disks of is its skeletal spine up towards the head and sighed. It was hard to tell if the hat Joel tossed on it’s skull was still there.

Eyes traveling down the hallway to the bathroom Ellie thought about the mirror and suppressed a shudder. Exhaling low she heading in the opposite direction, she still couldn’t look at herself for too long.

Moving to the next annex Ellie stood in front of the exhibit with various dinosaur skulls. Clicking her flashlight on, she found herself staring at the one Joel said looked like Tommy.

“Pachy-cepha-lo-saurus. Meaning, thick-headed lizard.” The name was even more of a mouthful to say than she remembered. Taking a few steps back she faced the fossil.

“I think you were right, old man.” Ellie used the thumb and forefinger of both her hands to make a frame with her hands, “In this lighting. Boom, Tommy.”

After Seattle, the skin on the right side of his face had begun to droop, leaving furrows deep enough to match those on the bridge of the Pachycephalosaurus skull, god knows his head was thick enough.

Recovering what familiarity they had lost between them had taken damn near ten years to slowly piece back together to the close rapport she and Tommy had before they lost Joel. Jesse’s death had affected Tommy deeply, and she didn’t blame him any more than she blamed herself for leaving. After all it was her problems that took Jesse to Seattle. Her problems that affected Tommy and Dina long after the rain of Seattle washed the blood off their skin. Ultimately it was her problem that put a bullet through Jesse’s face and Tommy’s skull.

Unable and unwilling to let go of her pursuit of Abby in time, had cost her her best friend. But for Tommy, Tommy lost the closest thing to a son he’d ever get. Tommy loved Jesse too, treated him like family. Going as far as inviting him over for dinner and trusting him enough to ask for help improving patrols. Something he only really reserved for her and Joel. Now years later, from a distance, Tommy loved JJ too. He always had new toys, books and puzzles for her to give her son whenever she visited him at the trading post out towards Teton Village. His memory had been getting worse, but he always remembered who Jesse and Joel were. No matter the iteration.

Dina wanted him nowhere near her or JJ still, it was a chasm Ellie didn’t think they would ever grow to bridge. She didn’t have to, she didn’t owe Tommy that. Maybe that was part of Tommy’s guilt. His actions had almost cost Dina two of the people she had loved most in this fucked up world.

Curving up the spiral staircase Ellie saw the brim of the brown hat before she saw the skull of the Brachiosaurus. Her eyes watered and she scratched at her hairline, rubbed at her forehead, trying to ease the creeping pressure that was building in her chest.

“Hey, old man, you’re looking a little long in the neck.” Rubbing her finger tips together she clenched her jaw, casting her gaze away from the hollow sockets staring at her from above a sharp-toothed grin the hat still perched jauntily over its head. “I’ll be right back.”

She wanted to stay, to take in the moment, it was too much, her chest seizing at the memory of Joel tossing the hat on the head.

Ellie hopped over the Space exhibit’s turnstile, not wanting to add another number to the visitor counter. Not yet, not when she was returning here with a ghost. The light at the end of the dark hallway caught her in the same mesmerizing way it had when she was sixteen.

She was supposed to die at fourteen. Thirty-four was nothing to shake your head at in this world. Her birthday had been a week ago and she spent it playing video games with her wife and son. She could count on her left hand the people she knew who could say they had been able to do the same. There was so much to be grateful for these days.

Despite the face that she had now been alive longer than how old she was when she visited with Joel all those years ago, the sight of the painted on universe of stars that adorned the walls and room full of space memorabilia still filled her with wonder and awe. When the signage “A Walk Through The Stars” came into view, her mouth involuntarily splitting into a lopsided grin and the hairs on her arms raising up at the memory. Pushing back her hair with her hands, Ellie laced her fingers together at the back of her neck and rocked on the balls of her feet a few times taking everything in like it was the first time all over again.

Much to her surprise and delight not much had changed in her time away. A few sections had more water damage, others had thick layers of dust. There was a patch of mold in the far corner that stopped at the glass edge of the space station exhibit, the poster next to the orrery had drooped down to the point she could only read the names of the planets.

Above her the planets hung where she left them suspended in time, she pointed to each planet as she muttered to herself, “My very educated mother just served us nice pizzas.”

Joel has been so damn proud of that little trick. Ellie wanted to pull the handle of the orrery, give it a spin for memories sake. The part of her wanted to preserve that moment for JJ won out. Excited at the prospect of him cranking the gear and charting a new celestial map for these planets. They had been stuck in the same position for years, but he would get to choose where they would remain for the next however many years. She had a feeling it would be less than seventeen.

“Hey Joel, wanna know what the first words in space were?” The hall around her remained silent but she answered anyway. After all these years without him she knew he sucked with facts. “No those were the first words said on the Moon.” She rested her hands on the display table. “Yuri Gagarin, remember him? First guy in space. He said, “The Earth is blue, how wonderful. It is amazing.” Ellie sniffed and wiped at her nose, “well he said that except in Russian, that’s the rough translation.”

Glancing at her wrist, the light glinted off the broken face of Joel’s watch. She had taken to wearing it whenever she left Jackson, it had become less of a shackle and more of a comfort these days.

Dragging herself away from the rocket model display towards the LRV, jumping up and plopping herself into a seat, she grabbed hold of the joystick and pretended to steer. Across from her the space reentry capsule remained as they left it. A beam of sun had broken through the canopy that had grown over top the windows casting it in a warm yellow haze. More vines covered the exterior and to her dismay, descended into the interior. She realized with a tinge of disappointment, they had never shut the hatch.

“Houston we are approaching the reentry capsule prepare for contact.” Ellie hopped down from the rover, and strode over to the reentry unit, circling around the outside to assess damage – if there was any – and see if she could clear off some of the growth. Most of the coverage was superficial, save for a few spots where ivy had wound itself around the hinges of the hatch. Using her machete she easily removed the plant life with a few swings. Carefully clearing out hanging ivy from around the entrance to the model. Dumping the cuttings at her feet.

When she’d cleared away the hatch opening, she saw the helmet exactly as she left it. For seventeen years her happiest memory had been preserved. In a way the helmet left haphazardly behind became an exhibit to the her joy and wonder, if anyone had ever found this place she and Joel had been frozen in time with the stars.

Air left Ellie’s lungs faster than she could get it in and she choked on the crashing wave of guilt and sorrow that hit her. Her vision grew blurry as tears cascaded down her face in fat droplets.

He wasn’t there, but Ellie swore she could smell campfire and gun oil lingering in the cockpit, like she had just missed him. Reaching inside the capsule her hands quaked, the tremors spreading up her arms. And Ellie found she couldn’t will her limbs to move any further, couldn’t get herself to lean in and take the helmet. Her pain remained frozen inside of her until she hit a breaking point and like ice dropped in whiskey, fissured from the inside outward. She slammed her palms on the aluminium frame and slid to the floor.

Grief bled through her, and she let it. The ache of loss didn't go away completely in time. Even the good days where she got through. The pain was always there and when she thought it stopped hounding her like a dog for blood, it settled in her bones waiting like a cancer. There were days where it was manageable. She could be reminded of Joel and it brought comfort. On days like today her bones ached to the point she felt they would snap from the weight of her grief. Holding her hands under her armpits until the tremors stopped. Gasping for breath she tried counting the beats of her heart, but they were just too fast.

“Fuck!” Ellie struck the side of the capsule with the meat of her tricep. Leaning back until her head bumped into the sun-warmed material of the shell and she had a direct line of sight out of the skylight. Past the bits of over growth the sky was clear and blue. Running her tongue over her teeth for a moment Ellie slowly released her breath. Massaging the knuckles of her left hand she stared at the little tattooed outline of Earth Cat had given her on her pinky, ten years ago, for JJ, her world, her pale blue dot against the emptiness of pain she felt on her worst days.

For him, she’d get the fucking helmet.

Standing, Ellie squeezed her eyes tight and turned her head away, blindly reaching into the capsule. Her fingers hitting the cool polycarbonate of the helmet. She removed it as quickly as she could, dropping it at her feet before shutting the hatch gritting her teeth as the harsh grating noise of long rusted hinges pierced her ear drum.

Opening her eyes and breathing heavily, gave the hatch a tug to make sure it would open. It did with a bit of effort. Grateful nature didn’t fully ruin her plans, Ellie picked up the old helmet, using the bottom of her shirt to wipe dust from the visor.

Years ago she had picked the helmet used on the Gemini suit because that was the first suit she had learned about back in Military Prep, the fourth school they shipped her out to in the North End. It hadn’t been as bad as some of the other schools were save for the fuck head principle who kicked her out after she kicked a kid in the dick for trying to cut her hair. Okay, maybe she beat the shit out of him, to this day got what he deserved.

Regardless, she learned a lot about space from her main teacher Officer Clark an enthusiastic man, no older than she was now, from Worcester, a city just outside Boston. His family manufactured some of the first pressure/space suits to ever be used by NASA including the Gemini suit and he was one of the few adults that fostered and indulged Ellie’s interests in the universe. The thought passed her mind that he was probably dead by now.

Placing the helmet back on it’s stand she wondered which one JJ would pick. If parts of her would influence his choice, which choice he would make for himself. The two other helmets she had at least kept on the base of the display. Wiping them clean with her shirt, she reset them on their respective stands.

Using her foot to kick around through some of the taller grass, she uncovered the old adventurers hat she had left behind. It was a little worse for wear, the brim had some growth protruding off it that broke away easily in her hand. She slapped it several times on her thigh. Dust and dirt coming off it in clouds. A quick inspection deemed it still wearable.

Placing it on her head and running a finger along the brim, giving her wrist a little flick at the end making a gun with her thumb and forefinger imitating taking a shot. If only Dina was here to see just how smooth she really could be. Anxiously re-adjusting the helmets one final time, Ellie sighed and tipped her hat towards each of the empty space suits.

“Folks. I’ll be on my way now.”

Making her way back out to the lobby she stopped at the top of the stairs and stared into the eyes of the Brachiousaurus. Walking back over she reached out just enough to touch a finger tip to the underside of the skull. Swallowing down the emotions that wanted to shut her off she spoke as if this was the man who had been dragged to every damn museum in Wyoming and Texas.

“JJ’s getting almost as old as I was when we came here. Does it get easier be a parent? I know I didn’t make things easy for you. You’d love JJ, not the best gee-tarist, but man he can sing. He’s way smarter than you, and me which is kinda scary. He’s like this little knowledge sponge. Well not so little now I guess. Fuck, Joel. I wish you were here. I feel scared I’m doing this all wrong.” She toed at the concrete wall with her boot. “How many times should a kid say fuck in a sentence? Cause I think he’s doubled my record and I need to step in to stop him from surpassing me.”

Silently the skull kept grinning. Ellie sucked her lips in nodding to herself she turned away and took her journal out of her pack, sliding down against the railing across from the fossil. Slowly at first, fighting tears, she began to draw.

Eventually, the light in the room turned to gold and she was forced to leave. Not wanting to be caught out far from her camp. Packing away her things, groaning as she stood up, Ellie stretched her arms over her head and tipped the brim of her hat towards the skull.

“See ya round, pardner.”

Heading back through the annexes she placed the hat on the stegosaurus for old times sake. It was a tiny head after all. Back in the lobby, Ellie hung the hat back on its display before ducking out and blocking the door up.

“I’ll be back soon, Joel.”

--- --- ---

They made camp not too far off from where she and Joel had, unsurprisingly JJ had shoved her in the water before she even had a chance to get him, always a step ahead just like Jesse. With a bit of effort she managed to grab the strap of his pack fast enough to take him in with her. Breaking the surface to see him choking on water because he couldn’t stop laughing.

“What the fuck, dude?” Ellie spluttered, swimming up next to him giving him a little boast towards a root descending from the river bed to hold onto. “Don’t laugh yourself to death it wasn’t that good of a prank.”

JJ gasped, his hair blocking his eyes, but not enough to hide the victorious glint he sent her way the same one Jesse would give her after her revealed he was messing with her. “You admit it was a good prank.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth there, buddy.” Ellie smacked at the water’s surface enough to lightly splash him with water in retaliation. “We gotta dive through a few spots, so catch your breath.”

When JJ calmed down enough they dove under a series of downed trees and through a short tunnel. Ellie hauled herself out of the water, turning around to watch JJ practice his swimming before dismissing her offered hand, “I got it.”

He managed to get himself half way out of the water twice, falling back in both times before begrudgingly asking for help.

“So this gift,” JJ asked as she dragged him out of the water with a grunt. “Is it an electrical tester?”

“Why the hell would I drag you out her for that when you could get one in Jackson? Mama has like, five of them just use one of hers.” Ellie climbed over a fallen tree, watching as JJ crawled under it for fun, getting dirt and mud all over the front of his well past off white Space Camp shirt, a simple space shuttle design encircled by fading reds whites and blues in the middle of his chest. He had picked it out not knowing what she had in store for him.

Ellie had been twenty five when Tommy had gifted her the shirt, telling her kids used to pay to go to a camp and pretend to be astronauts for a week. She ended up passing it down to JJ when he turned ten. She and Dina had spent a week transforming their backyard into a Space Camp for his birthday with all sorts of games and rocket shaped kids tent they tried to star gaze from. The thing collapsed when Ellie tried to crawl in and they ending up laying it over themselves like a blanket for the remainder of the night, both falling asleep under the stars. Dina gently kissing her awake, offering a plate of fresh pancakes long after the sun and her son had risen.

“Hmm, good point. Is it a space ship?”

JJ’s next guess drew her attention back to him and she shook her head with a chuckle, leaping over a few large rocks. “I wish.”

“Okay, okay. What about a dinosaur?”

“Nope. You’re not gonna guess.”

“Is it a race car?”

“How the hell would we get it back to Jackson? We can’t drive it through the woods.”

“Actually.” JJ began a long winded explanation of how they were going to get the race car out of the woods, Ellie good-naturedly arguing his points. He was so caught up in his discussion he nearly missed the fact that Ellie had come to a stop. Quickly pulling on the handle of his pack to yank him back from the edge of the flooded area surrounding the museum. JJ cocked his head, staring at her momentarily, his jaw dropping when he realized what it was they were standing in front of.

“Holy shit, Ma! It is a dinosaur!” JJ leapt up and pumped his fist, pointing to the old statue like Ellie wasn’t able to see it.

“JJ! Watch your fuckin’ language.” She admonished lightly.

“My bad. Holy shit, Ma! A fuckin’ dinosaur!”

“Much better.”

“Did you know this was here!?” JJ yelled over his shoulder, his voice fading a little as he ran around to the back of the statue. “It’s a mother fuckin’ dinosaur!”

He didn’t try to climb up the rotten back and jump off like she did, far more pragmatic about risks than she had ever been at that age. Even five days ago when their two week trip out here had been disrupted by a small pack of clickers they managed to clear without issue because of that pragmatism.

Pride swelling in her chest as he followed her instructions perfectly and took out an infected of his own. A clear shot to the head with an arrow from a hundred feet away. He had dropped a clicker no less, when during a stealth kill, her foot had slipped in the blood of the clicker in her arms and she had kicked out to steady herself, a loose rock caught on her boot and clattered across the shale outcrop they had needed to get across to get to the river. Drawing attention to her. JJ had stayed quiet and calm, waiting until the right moment to aim. Just as it lurched for her an arrow had pierced its fungal plate straight through to the other side. He kept his celebration to himself, on guard until it was safe to camp where he retold the story to her a dozen different ways while the fire between them turned to embers.

“I came here for my birthday once.” Ellie followed behind him watching his wild hair disappear and reappear as he darted in and out of her sight, “I jumped off this guys head.” She tapped a section of the tail with her hand and part of the plaster foundation crumbled into a hole of decay. “Oh, well maybe he’s passed his jumping prime. I’m sure we can find some place good to jump.”

“That’s okay,” JJ stopped next to one of the legs that was more wire than dinosaur, and put a hand over his brow to block the sun out, staring warily at the head, turning his face back down to worry his lip between his teeth, his brow knitting together. “I think it’s too high up for me anyway.”

“You’re right, you did grow a lot this year,” Ellie grabbed him close by the shoulders and smiled. He had been working with her and Dina on getting over his fear of heights but they still had a ways to go, “You’re so tall now it’s like an extra five inches up there.”

JJ wiped at the back of his nose and mirrored the grin on her face, the kid was already taller than Dina and rapidly approaching her own height, by the end of the summer he might be taller. Robin had said Jesse was the smallest kid for the longest time until he shot up when he turned fifteen. But with the way his black hair stuck up at all angles like one of the trees she’d seen in California, JJ constantly argued that he was technically already taller than her. She would keep her two inches on him while she still could.

They waded over to the door of the museum and JJ immediately grabbed for the old dinosaur book from the display with delight.

“This looks like the one we have at home! Is this where you got it?” He thumbed though the booklet stopping at the page where a Compsognathus had been given little angry eye brows and long curly black hair with a disappointed frown. “Wait this is the one from home.”

“This was the last copy they had. I got it from here,” Ellie flipped the booklet over to show the text matched the one the display, “see.”

“Remember when you tried to convince me Mama was called a Dinasaur?” JJ noticed the toys strewn across the floor and made a beeline for them, Ellie walking behind him.

Tapping on the image of the artfully emended dinosaur on the page, Ellie stage whispering conspiratorially as JJ made two dinosaur figurines fight each other, “According to this book she is.”

“What if we take this back and use some arts and crafts to make it look like they actually exist.” JJ held up the smaller dinosaur figurine in his hands. His warm brown eyes twinkling mischievously at the thought of a good practical joke.

“Alright, grab it and we’ll see what we can do with it. Though with all the books you have on the subject, it’ll be hard to find a second source to confirm it’s real.”

“We got that book to confirm it.” JJ said pulling at the small cactus charm on the zipper of his worn, purple backpack opening the pack enough to slip in the figurine. “We just gotta convince her there are two copies.”

Shouldering his pack his eyes fell to the display of hats and he rushed over. “They have hats here, so cool!”

He took it from the display holding it out to her, “There is only one hat. You wanna try it on?”

“I’m good, dude. You rock that hat.”

JJ nodded and smashed it on his head. The way his hair curled out from the brim reminded her of the night Jesse stole Joel’s cowboy hat off his head during dinner and proceeded to to imitate his Texan accent in the worst way possible.

Whoaaa! Ma, look! Deinonychus!”

“How the hell you know that?”

JJ pointed to the feet of the skeleton, “The claw, scientists called it the terrible claw. It’s like a bird talon. People used to think it was a Velociraptor but it’s too big, raptors are smaller.”

“Joel thought that.” Ellie offered. “He only saw Jurassic Park.”

“Those dinosaurs aren’t right.” JJ mumbled, hand outstretched to run a finger over the clawed toe, doing so when Ellie gave him and encouraging nod. “Did you know the first time someone found a dinosaur bone he thought it was a giant’s bone?”

“I did not.” Ellie chuckled, impressed with his wealth of knowledge. They could both live for a hundred years and he would be able to tell her something she never knew every day.

“It seems silly now, but I guess if that’s the kinda stuff you know about you aren’t gonna think it’s a dinosaur.” JJ pondered something, inquisitively tilting his head at the ground beneath his feet. “Do you think there are dinosaur bones in Jackson?”

Ellie shrugged, following him as he giggled at the tiny skeletons of the Compsognathus befor e the light of the main exhibit, drew his attention “I mean I don’t see why there might not be, who knows? The world was once one plate that split up right?”

“Yup, there was a super continent, Pangaea, rifting started around the mid Jurras-” JJ quieted abruptly whole body stilled and she almost walked into him as he whipped his head from the room back to her, face alight with more joy than she could recall in all of his thirteen years. He sprinted around the giant room. Ellie knelt, pretending to tie her shoe, inconspicuously pressing play on the radio player, as the room roared to life, the sounds of babbling water and approximations of ancient dinosaurs filling the quiet. Watching as JJ got swept up in his own little moment.

With a grunt Ellie stood up just in time to dodge the brim of JJ’s hat as he crashed into her with a big hug. “This is so fucking cool, thank you.”

“Worth the wait?” Ellie asked, certain the unsure nervousness that she saw on Joel’s face all those years ago was plastered on her own in the moment. Wanting nothing more than to know she gave her kid this one thing that broke the reality of living in a ravaged world even for a n afternoon.

“Uhh, fuck yes! Are you serious? This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. Sammy and Beth aren’t gonna believe me when I tell them about this!” JJ began counting the number of skeletons he could see. “There are so many of them. One time in Belgium, in eighteen seventy-one, they found thirty-eight full dinosaur skeletons. Do you know where Belgium is?”

Ellie threw him a half shrug, “Not here?”

Running over to the head, JJ enthusiastically placed the hat from his head on to the skull of the stegosaurus. “Look it fits!”

“Now that is a Hatosaur. You can tell cause the head is so tiny, like yours.” JJ glared and shoved her lightly and she held her hands out placatingly at her side. “Those are heard of but no one has confirmed evidence of them ‘til now.”

“Well I found this one so I’m gonna name it.”

“Yeah? And what brilliant name are you gonna call it huh?”

JJ placed his chin in his hand and rubbed at it thoughtfully before flashing his teeth at her in a wicked grin, “I’m going to call it a Hatosaur! A name no one has ever heard of until now.”

Ellie crossed her arms and chuckled, JJ took the hat off the skull and dart ed over to place in on her head. “Now we have a new ly discovered species of H atosaur, the Pana-MA- Hatosaur!

“Well, bet you didn’t know that this species like to eat potatoes!” Ellie scooped JJ up in a firemans carry with a loud roar. With him across her shoulders she pretended to bite large chunks out of his arms while she jogged the path around the main exhibits.

Screaming and giggling JJ managed to squeak out, “Stop! Stop! I didn’t mean it put me down!” She stopped a few feet away from where she started her reign of terror and let JJ get his feet underneath him before letting go.

“Which one is your favorite?”

“Triceratops.” The only one Joel had managed to get right. That was her favorite.

“Okay,” JJ removed the hat from her head and climbed into the exhibit, hanging the hat off of the short horn on the top of its beak. “There, that one is you.”

“Me, looks more like you used to whenever you played cowboy when you were five.” Ellie ruffled his hair until it stuck up, laughing as he tried to tame it back down with a glare. “You sure you don’t wanna take the hat?”

“Nope. I made a discovery and I’m preserving the specimen.” He bumped his hip against hers as he passed her, heading towards the wall of dinosaurs, in a moved that ached of Dina and she bumped him back a little. “‘Sides there’s only one hat, s’not fun if we have to keep sharing it between us.”

They walked over to the each exhibit, JJ reciting the facts for each dinosaur from the pamphlet near perfectly. Adding his own little facts and amending some of the statements so that they sounded cooler.

“I like the Dimetrodon a lot.” They stood in front of the last skeleton, JJ pulling the front section of his hair so it stood up. Not so subtly eyeing how much taller his hair made him seem next to her. “They had mohawks. Well, sails to regulate it’s body temperature, but it’s cooler to say it was a mohawk.”

“How much does a Dimetrodon cost?”

“I’ unno.” JJ half-frowned and lifted his shoulders before making a break for the stairs.

“Ten cents!” She yelled at his retreating form.

“That joke makes zero sense.” He fired back. As he began to climb the stairs in front of her.

Trotting along after him, Ellie chuckled at his word play, “You know, Mama felt the same way about that one.”

“Look, this one has a hat already!” He pointed to the hat Joel had left years ago and then down to the one on the triceratops. “Just like yours! That means they were friends and didn’t kill each other.”

The moisture hit her eyes faster than she expected, swallowing the lump in her throat, Ellie covered her mouth with a hand. “Yeah, I think you’re right, bud.”

“How’d that hat get up there?”

“Joel.” Tugging at the stubs of her left hand she blinked at the ceiling trying to regulate her emotions, “He tossed it up there on my birthday.”

“What was he like, Joel?”

She never felt ready enough for him to be so curious about the man who had been the closest thing to a parent she ever had, “He was kinda grouchy all the fuckin’ time, but not really. I think he just liked to pretend he was cool. He didn't know shit about dinosaurs. Or space.” Ellie pulled her lips together, sniffing. “But he tried. He tried a lot for me. I guess that was all he could do.”

“Mama says people aren’t gone as long as we talk about them.” JJ spoke in that sage way kids were capable of, still unchanged by the cruelty of the world. “If someone comes here they get to see him as a dinosaur, a Joelasaurus. Everyone will remember a dinosaur with a hat.”

“He actually hated being called a dinosaur.” Grabbing her journal from her pack, she flipped to the drawing she had done almost a month ago. Taking her pencil out she wrote underneath the illustration,

Joelasaurus:

Species: O. manis

This ancient species was known for their grumpy demeanor. They loved to drink coffee, though they had to trade some questionable things to do so due to the beans rarity after the world went to shit. Proficient with a gun as the were a guitar. Not well known for telling good jokes. Or knowing facts about space and the other dinosaurs.

“There.” Ellie showed JJ her drawing and he giggled.

“We should do one for Mama.” He skipped over to the turnstile pushing on the armbar, the gear caught as it turned and he stumbled through. Ellie followed him, grinning as he continued to create facts about her wife, “Dinasaur, a fearsome species, that does not allow it’s offspring to leave the table without finishing their meal.” JJ’s voice began to trail off as he noticed the walls were painted with stars. “Will grow aggressive if anyone threatens their – Oh shit, space!”

Leaning up against the wall with a grin, Ellie fidgeted with some errant thread on the cut sleeves of her red work shirt pulling it out halfway down her bicep, before twisting it around her finger and snapping it off. Nervously observing her son as his head shifted rapidly in every direction trying to take everything before in him in. The orrery, the lunar roving vehicle in the far corner, the handful of shuttles along the wall.

Bounding over to the orrery, JJ stared up at the planets and how they aligned, tentatively wrapping his fingers around the handle of the crank.

“Can I move them?”

Ellie walked over to him, put and hand on his shoulder, “I dunno, can you?”

“You don’t have to be an ass about it.” JJ rolled his eyes with a huff at her. Cranking the handle a few times, the gears squealed and moved as dust was shaken from the tops of the spheres. Their orbit picking up where she had left it. The Sun in the middle growing brighter.

JJ let go of the handle and the planets slowed, Ellie’s grip on his shoulder tightened as they came to a stop, perfectly aligned.

“Holy shit, you lined them up.” She held her hand up for him to slap, “High three, dude.”

Statistically, this would happen every so often depending on however many folks passed though and spun the planets as well as however many times it took for the gears to turn to align them. Ellie had spent a good fifteen minutes trying much to Joel’s annoyance. “Planets don’t align like this except for every five thousand or so years.”

“Did you ever get to see the planets align?”

“I’m not five thousand.”

“You sure about that?”

“Okay, is this what happens when you don’t have your Mama to make fun of, you just use your material for her on me?”

“I gotta practice my jokes on someone.” JJ ran over to the lunar buggy, leaping up onto it’s frame and motioning for her to hurry up. “Good material needs to be worked out.”

“Okay, okay. I got a joke for you.” Ellie slid into the other seat with a secretive grin. JJ rolled his eyes, fidgeting with the joystick between them, waiting for the joke. “Two astronauts are out on a space walk and one screams at the other, but doesn’t make a sound. So the other astronaut says “Hey, I can’t hear you! Put your helmet back on!”

“Wait. That’s my joke! I wrote it for you like two months ago.” His face crumpled into a pout. “Nobody likes a joke thief.”

Ellie laughed, tapping the left breast pocket of her shirt where JJ had hidden the slip of paper the joke was written on, right where he left it. Today’s joke – something about cows who said ‘baa’ being sheep-ish – had been slipped carefully into her boot while she slept she had moved it to her journal so she wouldn’t lose it.

Since he turned eight, JJ always wrote her jokes when she went out on patrol or trips out to newly expanded territories to fix up and build outposts, it was their little thing, and she kept them all. Technically it was their trip and he didn’t have to leave her jokes, but he insisted since it was still a trip she was one.

“I know, I read it everyday. It’s my favorite joke, I never leave home without it.”

“Doesn’t mean you get to steal it.” He crossed his arms, glancing away with a frown.

“I’m not stealing it, I’m quoting my favorite comedian. There’s a difference.” Warily, JJ unfolded his arms and stared at her, scrutinizing her reaction. Ellie had to steel herself, tucking her lips into her mouth trying not to laugh at how much like Dina he could be without trying.

“You’re on thin ice.” He mimicked Dina’s voice eerily well and Ellie broke, holding her right hand to her chest as she laughed, wrapping her other arm around his shoulders. Giving them a little shake.

Wiping a tear from her eye, Ellie looked her son over checking to make sure she hadn’t pushed him too far. He was trying to seem upset, but the playful gleam in his eye and the way the corner of his lip twitched gave him away. She played along anyway, “I’m sorry, dude. What if I told you we’re going to space next? Forgive me then?”

“I’ll think about it,” JJ slipped out from under her arm and slid off the rover breaking off towards the reentry capsule. “I get to pick which planets we visit and we’re even.”

“You got it.” Ellie stepped to the capsule, admiring her efforts. The cleared bronze had a few patches of rust from the elements, but as the mid day sun cast a ray of sun through the broken skylight above it.

JJ pulled at the handle of the space reentry capsule, yanking hard enough to break the seal, the groan of metal and squeal of old gears cut through his grunts of effort and she reached over his head to help him open the hatch fully. Throwing his upper half into the capsule he began flipping every switch he could reach.

“There’s so many buttons. We gotta flip them all.” He kicked his legs trying to tip himself in and she found herself getting caught up in his enthusiasm.

“Whoa, Whoa, Spudnik! Chill for a sec.” She put a hand on his ankles holding him back from throwing himself face first into the cockpit. “Before you forget how to breathe.” Ellie pulled him out, nodding to where the helmets sat, aligned with their respective information plaque. “You need a helmet.”

“What about you?” he watched her, eyes bright and inquisitive as always. “You gonna hold your breath?”

“Go pick two then, one for me one for you.”

“You don’t wanna pick?” He tilted his head.

“It’s your birthday present,” Ellie nudged him with her elbow. “You get to pick how ridiculous I look.”

“Okay, one second!” Seeing JJ’s eyes brighten with a hunger for adventure before darting off towards the exhibit made her eyes water. One second turned into minutes, then ten as he carefully inspected each helmet, reading about every suit and which space walk it was used for.

Ellie watched him from her spot leaned up against the capsule door, arms crossed. There was so much of Jesse and Dina in his appearance. Jesse’s easy smile, Dina’s kind eyes, the perfect amount of Dina’s curls in Jesse’s wild mane.

At times it had been difficult for Ellie to see herself in him. The nagging idea that she was his parent but there was nothing of hers that was a part of him in that way, hung in the corners of her mind, weighed her down some days. But as she watched him bounce around and paused – his face the definition of thoughtful – to read each statement, to learn new facts with every space suit; she couldn’t help but hear Dina’s voice in the back of her head, “That curiosity for life. That’s not me or Jesse, that’s you, El. He gets that from you and no one else.”

“Ma, come here I need help!” JJ called her over to the far wall waving his hands. He had stopped in front of the Apollo 11 display, struggling to remove the almost fishbowl like helmet from off the tall stand.

“This the one?” Ellie laced her fingers together in a cradle for JJ to put his foot in, after a wordless count to three she boosted him enough for him to snatch the helmet from the stand. “Alright which one am I wearing?”

JJ flipped the helmet around and put it on for her. Stepping back to admire his work before snorting,“You look ridiculous, like someone put a bowl on your head.”

Placing a hand on JJ’s shoulder, Ellie spoke gruffly, in an attempted Curtis impression, “It seems, you’ve been trained well, my son. You tricked me into thinking this helmet was for you, to make me look foolish by your hand, truly you are a man now.” She took her hand off his shoulder to thumb at the rest of the helmets, speaking normally, “Which one you going for?”

Without hesitation JJ picked the same helmet she had all those years ago. Blinking rapidly, Ellie swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat, buying herself a moment pretending to read the plaque

“Why’d you pick that one?”

“I dunno.” He held it out, check it over for a second before stuffing his head inside, his words fogging up the visor. “It just feels right.”

Lightly tapping a finger against the visor twice she nodded, “Seems sturdy enough. What next?”

“Okay, now we gotta space walk over,” JJ tugged at her hand, demonstrating by walking in an exaggeratedly slow motion. Ellie joined, lightly bouncing on her the balls of her heels for an extra lag effect. It took twice as long to get over to the capsule since Ellie kept pretending to float away in different directions. Prompting JJ to go after her so she wouldn’t end up on an unplanned spacewalk, laughing uncontrollably at her ridiculousness.

“Alright feet first, Captain.” JJ hauled himself inside and she took her pack off, following him. It felt weird for a moment, being back inside the ship, the feeling dissipating quickly as JJ began shouting commands and flicking switches. A few minutes later he quieted, his fogged visor emphasizing the disappointment in his eyes. He faced her, brows furrowed.

“Man, it’d be so cool if this thing could work.”

Reaching into her pack Ellie pulled out her latest Walkman, lovingly upgraded for her birthday by her wife. “What if I told you it can, in a special way?” She tapped the side of her helmet with a finger twice, his sign for imagination. JJ’s face lit up. The constellation of freckles across his nose scrunching up from the force of his smile.

Offering him the right ear bud she put the left one in her own ear. Handing over the Walkman she held her left hand over his for a second. “Close your eyes and press play.”

JJ shifted in his seat, settling, and pressed play. The tape clicked and the old familiar sounds of the Apollo 11 mission filled her ear. She could hear JJ let out a small gasp of excitement as his hand covered her forearm. Grateful he chose a helmet with higher visibility for her, she opened an eye to watch him, his eyes moving rapidly behind their lids as if he was watching himself being launched into space.

His hand shifted as they hit thirty two minutes past the hour and Apollo lifted off, his fingers wrapping over Joel’s watch before searching for her hand. Slipping his fingers into hers, he squeezed three times. Their secret code for “I love you” they used when JJ was younger and struggled to speak when his brain moved to quickly for his mouth to keep up and he grew too frustrated with himself to articulate his thoughts.

They stayed there hands clasped for a few minutes after the tape ended, Ellie watching him imagine things she probably would never dream up. JJ turned his head, the bottom of his mask completely fogged up. The corners of his eyes crinkling and he cheered.

“That was so cool! Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, kiddo.” She patted his arm and shifted to exit. “You have fun?”

“I did.” He sombered, wrestling with his emotions for a second before he asked quietly.“This was so much fun. We didn’t take Mama what if she’s sad she didn’t go?”

Ellie traced the hamsa tattoo on her ring finger nub with her thumbnail. “ You know how some times you join Mama on trips when she’s fixing up electronics and I stay home and take care of the house and make sure Laika doesn’t dig up the backyard ? ” JJ nodded, “ That your special thing with, Mama . But you and me? Science is our thing a nd I want ed to share this place with you, just us. Mama understands.”

Ellie gave her son time process the information checking him over for signs of distress. The care with which he attuned to the emotional well being of others was no surprise. He had grown up with a mother who was joy and love and light personified and he reflected that back tenfold.

“We can share this place with her the next time we come out here. There’s a whole ‘nother building I saved for a trip with her.”

“You did!?” JJ removed the helmet his hair sticking straight out in every direction. “There’s more!? Fuck yes. We gotta!”

“Of course, I wanted to have a big trip just the three us. Maybe Laika.” She added, knowing JJ would want to bring the dog. Which with her age and the added difficulty of traversing the flooded areas would require a different route in. Ellie would need Dina as back up for the Natural History museum. Too worried if she went alone with JJ it would turn into a risk. Tossing her pack out first Ellie exited the capsule, helping JJ out before shutting the hatch behind them.

“Can we go get Mama now and come back?” JJ ran over to put his helmet back without prompting and she did the same with her own, Ellie let out a laugh at his excitement.

“Sorry, Spud. I’d love to but that involves a little more planning than I have done. But I promise, we’ll be back as soon as it’s safe to.”

“Can we camp out in here tonight?”

“Your birthday, your rules.” Ellie ruffled his hair, “Next time we come back we can bring Mama. I’m sure she’ll love listening to us talk about science for hours.”

JJ moved to leave the area and she stopped him, “One more thing,” She pulled the pin off her pack and presented it to JJ, “Welcome back to Earth.”

His brows furrowed in confusion, looking from the worn pin in his hand back to her face. “But this one is yours.”

“You completed your mission, kiddo. That’s yours now.”

Turning it over in his hands his head snapped back up to watch her face, “Is this like when grandpa handed Dad’s old rifle down to me for my bar mitzvah gift? ‘Cause I’m a man now?”

Ellie chuckled at the memory, Dina had told everyone to bring gifts from the heart and Cedric had decided that because JJ was a man now, he needed Jesse’s rifle which had prompted a long series of training classes from herself and Dina. JJ took to it well, he had grown more than accountable for handling his bow since he was eight and naturally this was the next step. After all there was only so much they could protect him from, the world they lived in was still harsh, but as Dina reminded her almost every day, it didn’t always have to be. “No. No, this is from one astronaut to another.”

Hesitantly, JJ clenched the pin in his hand, a tear spilling down his cheek. He lowered his head and she held him at arms length, lowering her head until he had to make eye contact, “I’m not handing this down to you okay, you earned it.”

She hugged him tight, and she felt his hand fist in the rough fabric of her shirt. He had grown into such a sweet caring boy and for the thousandth time since she returned to Jackson she felt lucky. Lucky that he wasn’t bitter and resentful towards the world. There was joy, and while that joy was born more from Dina than her, she got to witness them like two bright stars in the night sky. “You and me, Spudnik. We’re pioneers now. The only two people left who have been to space and discovered a new species of Dinosaur.”

“Do pioneers get to pick a helmet to take home?” Wiping snot down his arm as he stepped back, eyeing the Mercury mission helmet she knew had a wing-like design on the back. Ellie’s lips thinned into a fond, tight smile, she had asked Joel a similar question years ago. There were plenty of things about parenting she wished Joel was around to ask about. At least she already knew the answer to this one.

“We should keep this stuff here in case another kid comes along, so they can experience the same thing you got to.” Ruffling JJ’s hair she pointed back out the way they came in. “If we bring one home it’ll give away the surprise for your Mama. What do you say we go back downstairs and see what they have in that back office?”

“We’re gonna keep this place our secret still?” he asked, face hopeful. “You, me, and Mama?”

Ellie took her thumb and forefinger to her lips and made a motion like she was turning a key in a lock. Muffling her voice she spoke out the corner of her mouth, “Our secret.”

The silly answer satisfied him enough and JJ took off back towards the atrium with the dinosaur exhibits.

“Hey, Ma?” JJ got her attention quietly, turning back to face her just before he spun the model of the moon. He grinned, all teeth and closed eyes like he was four all over again. “I love you to the moon.”

It had been years since JJ had quoted the old book they used to read together. It was how they said good night to each other for years until he grew out of it. There was a tingling sensation along her spine as her brain released some long forgotten memory of the two of them reading under the stars on the back porch of Joel’s old house. She stopped the rotation of the moon with her hand, her fingers dipping into the Sea of Tranquility, mirroring her son’s brilliant grin back at him.

“I love you too, kiddo.” In the moment, Ellie knew, Joel wasn't here but as the sun peeked through the sky light and a warm summer breeze swept through the room, she swore she could smell campfire and gun oil. Her heart thumped, a steady cadence in her chest, she was still here. Because of her, in a way he was still here too. “To the moon and back.”