Work Text:
“Nice receive! Sugawara, it’s your turn next!”
Koushi Sugawara was standing at the edge of the court, his attention completely focused on a lone figure sitting by the wall of the gym. You had your legs pressed near to your body, the arms folded upon your knees, chin resting on them. Since the moment you had entered the gym around half an hour ago, Sugawara had sensed that something was wrong. You had barely lifted your view from the ground as you greeted everyone and your smile looked utterly forced and shaky. Then, you had retired far too quickly from the cheerful group, curling up in said position. ‘In order to watch the game calmly,’ you told them. But your eyes, although resting on the court, seemed shallow and looking into the empty space.
“Suga, look out!”
A volleyball hit Sugawara’s head with a loudly hearable smash. He tumbled back a few steps, and then rubbed this aching forehead.
“Huh? Oh, was it my turn already? I am so sorry, I think I spaced out,” he hurried to say, with an embarrassed smile and slightly blushed cheeks.
Coach Ukai started to rant a bit and somewhere in the back, he could hear Tsukishima and Yamaguchi snicker. As he apologized to the coach and everyone again, Daichi put a hand on his shoulder.
“Sugawara, I think it’s better if you take a little break.”
He shot this friend a knowing look, and Sugawara nodded back in silent thankfulness, giving the captain a thoughtful smile.
“You’re right. I’ll join you again when I feel better guys.”
----
Surprised as you saw him leave the court, you lifted your head from your arms.
“Suga-chan, is something wrong?”
The gray-haired boy gave you a small, embarrassed smile and scratched the back of his head as he approached you.
“No, it’s nothing. I am just kind of unfocused, so Daichi-san suggested I take a break.”
Suga sat down beside you, only inches away. You had grown pretty close, so it was nothing special, but today, you felt highly uneasy with it. After a moment of hesitation, you moved away. Although you saw Sugawara glance at you, you did not tease him for being ‘overly worrying’ like you would have on any other day. Instead, you hid your head in your arms again, only your eyes visible to watch the boys train. You didn’t really want to talk to anyone any unnecessary words at all today. But you had a feeling that your shared silence wouldn’t last for too long.
You were right.
‘She didn’t even notice what happened,’ Sugawara thought, and shot you a concerned glance.
“Uhm, (y/n)-chan, is there anything I can do for you?”
You tensed up. His soft, worried voice made you sick. It was too caring, which disgusted you for no reason.
Nevertheless, you lifted your head and gave him a quick smile.
“I’m alright. Just tired, don’t worry.”
When you saw his face, you felt the forced smile slip away from your lips. Sugawara held such an understanding and utterly restless expression in his eyes that you couldn’t do anything else than close your own. You knew he wasn’t buying what you were saying, and that you didn’t have any further chance of lying to him. You couldn’t bear it. But there was no way any words would slip your lips. Because if they would, your self-control was lost for sure…and you didn’t want to creep him out by becoming a sobbing, scream mess in front of him.
“I’m sorry; I just remembered that I have lots of homework left. Gotta go”, you whispered. Eyes still staring at the ground, you grabbed your bag and went to the gym door, leaving behind a slightly confused and even more worried Sugawara. At least, you thought so. But he didn’t make it that easy for you.
“(y/n)-chan, wait a moment!”
You were already out of the door and ready to run away as his yell made you freeze. Why did you stop? You couldn’t tell. But there was no way you would turn back now to see the young man standing at the stairs, silently closing the door of the gym to keep your conversation private. You didn’t want to be anywhere near to his gentle and considerate behavior right now.
“Sugawara-san, just leave me alone now will you,” you hissed between your teeth, slowly clenching your fists to canalize a sudden anger that started to brew in your stomach.
“I just need to move a bit and get my head free, that’s all. Like I already said. You don’t.have.to worry.”
Well, those last words came out a little more desperate that you wanted them to be.
Judging from the short silence behind you, he had heard it to.
“Please, listen to me, (y/n)-chan.”
You heard the boy step a bit closer.
“I know you don’t like to talk about your feelings when something bad happens to you. That’s alright, I won’t force you. But I think it would be great if you found a way to release your stress,” he said with a quiet, but surprisingly firm voice.
You clenched your fists further and felt your body tense up.
“Keeping such feelings inside is far too painful to do it for a long time,” he added. “I know th-“
“You don’t know anything at all!”
Anger exploded in your insides and painted your mind in red. Furiously, you turned to him just to see he was standing merely three steps away from you. But suddenly, it didn’t matter anymore. You only wanted to punch his pretty, oh-so-gentle-face and show him that he had no idea how you felt. Without a second thought, you rushed forward and grabbed him by the t-shirt, pulling his face near to yours. His eyes widened in surprise and he looked startled, but it didn’t stop you from screaming right at his face.
“You don’t know how I feel; you don’t have the slightest idea! You don’t even know what happened, IF something happened. And you surely don’t know any way to help me!”
Your last words drowned in a stifled, arising sob that had made its way through your sudden hatred.
“Nobody can help me. It’s my problem, and I am the one who has to solve it. I am alone.”
Now you couldn’t do anything but whisper. It felt like the words stayed inside your throats and suffocated you even after you had said them. You felt the immense truth of the words hovering over you, ready to kill your will to fight.
The feeling of a sudden, almost harsh grab of hands on your shoulders made you wince. You blinked as the unexpected touch snapped you out of the intoxicating anxiety.
Suga’s face was a solemn expression of pain. He seemed desperate in way that hurt you, the brows furrowed, the lips pressed together to a thin, shaky line and with barely controlled emotions in his eyes.
“You are right. I don’t know your pain because it’s yours. I don’t how if something happened, but I can see that you are troubled. Whatever it is, it must be a heavy burden for you if you even yell at me.”
You winced again as you heard his words, realizing that you just had mistreated the most gentle person you knew, the last one to deserve your misguided anger.
“But there’s a point where you are wrong, (y/n)-chan. You are not alone.”
Saying those words, his grab on you loosened up, and he pulled you into a tender embrace. The soft texture of his jacket pressed against your chin. You noticed he smelled a bit sweaty, but you didn’t care. His touch gave you something you did not expect. All your feelings that had rampaged in your insides seemed to settle down a bit, cushioned by him. The only things that stayed, no, more like dug their way to freedom through the emotional storm, were confusion…and comfort.
With these sensations dominating you, the dam in your eyes broke and you started to cry. You cried it all out, with loud sobs and even screams, muffled by his jacket. Careful, to support the two of you, Sugawara leaned against the wall of the gym. You felt one of his hands caress your back and after a while, as your sobs turned down to a silent stream of tears, he leaned his chin against your hair.
“I know I can’t solve your problems, but whatever it is: if there is anything I can do for you, I will be here,” he whispered.
You had to clear your throat multiple times before you felt confident enough to speak. Nevertheless, your voice was hoarse as you said:
“I know. Thank you, Suga-chan.”
You squeezed him slightly, and buried your face at his shoulder once again. A sigh escaped your lips. Your feelings exhausted you, and you were aware that nothing changed although you felt relieved in an almost absurd way, but…
‘Just a moment more to enjoy this warmth...’
You had a long way to go, and it would be painful. But part of the pain and fear were gone.
Because now you knew you were not alone.