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I held out my hands, trying to reach out towards those hands I've held so passionately before.
"Why didn't you tell me…?"
I opened my eyes slowly, meeting the curtains of my bed. My body felt heavy, tired.
Another bad dream.
Even getting enough sleep didn't help, exhaustion was still there.
I rubbed my eyes. Wet, again. Come on, It's been months.
I sat up, rubbing all the wetness from my eyes away. Didn't want to worry the others again now.
It was another slow day at Cherryton. Everybody in the 701 room was already up except me. Even Legosi was up earlier than me, and he was a heavy sleeper.
I exchanged good mornings with everyone.
"Stayed up playing your phone again?" asked Collot.
"Yeah." I nodded with a yawn.
"Come on Durham, you need to stop doing that. You know that's not healthy," said Jack.
I sighed. "Yes mom."
Jack was playing a song on his phone as we were getting ready for school. It was a relaxing song, the main instrument being a guitar. An acoustic guitar.
My mind immediately imagined you playing that, like usual. Everybody else would be doing their own business while we'd just be talking. Maybe on our bed, or by the window. And you'd pick up that guitar of yours and play some tune.
You always complained that I was "staring too much" whenever you did that, but you'd still try to play anyway. Though by then you'd be wearing that cute blush on your spotted cheeks.
The song ended. Now, Jack's phone was playing something different.
Part of me wanted to tell him to stop and replay the previous song, but I decided not to. I couldn't keep playing the same song on loop forever.
This time, the song was about love. Of course.
I still remember when I confessed to you. Well, tried to, anyways. My hands couldn't stay still, I was sweating bullets and stuttering so much I couldn't make any words. My eyes couldn't focus on one spot and just looked everywhere but you.
All the while you watched with a gleeful look on your face. Then you just shushed me, smiled, and went for a hug, a real tight one. It was so warm. Our tails were wagging fast.
And I was so dumb I asked if you not answering meant it was a no. That this was just a "Thank you, but…" hug.
Now, I laughed at myself. How blind was I?
Well, at least not as blind as you with your glasses. You always said they looked weird on you, said that they made you look like a nerd, so you only wore them when you truly needed to.
But I always thought they looked cute on you, you know? I just couldn't bring myself to say it. Yet somehow, someway, without me saying anything, you got the message anyway and started wearing them more often.
It was like you could read my mind. Or maybe I was just an open book? You did say I wore my heart on my sleeve.
The song stopped again. Why does everything stop so suddenly?
"We're done. Ready to go?" asked Jack.
Everyone nodded. Everyone but me.
"We'll be waiting at the cafeteria, Durham." Jack gave an understanding smile. "Don't force yourself, please."
This time I nodded. I stood there by myself as all my friends went outside to grab breakfast.
Ah, breakfast. Having them with you was always so fun.
You always gave me those foods you didn't like, but I do. And in exchange, I'd give you what I despised, yet you loved.
How could you love those tiny green balls? Or green peas, whatever you called it. I couldn't understand.
But I didn't care. Seeing you gobble them up with such a happy expression was enough to make my whole day.
I sighed and looked around the now empty room.
Three years has it been since we started dating. At least I think we were. We never officially stated we were dating, huh? We were such dorks.
But it didn't matter.
I got to spend my time with you, to hold your hands that were oh so soft. We got to chat on our phone during classes when they were boring, to cuddle through the nights, to share a kiss or two whether others were watching or not.
I didn't know how I lived through all these years before doing all that with you. I just wished…
One day, you asked me such a weird question. It was like those things you'd found on the internet when trying to find interesting conversation starters.
"Durry… if I ever… if I ever disappear- no… if I was to die, will you remember me?"
Why? I was so hurt when you asked that. Of course I would. And I would've said that a thousand times if you didn't stop me after my tenth time saying it.
You meant so much to me. You were the first animal I've ever loved like this. I couldn't understand why you'd even ask that question.
Of course, I was dumb. Like I always was.
I was so dumb I didn't notice you staying behind during gym class meant anything important. I was so dumb I didn't notice you were growing weaker. I was so dumb I didn't think anything when you keep getting sick so often. I was so dumb I just said it was because you were weak and weren't exercising.
And you just laughed it all off, giving me that sickly sweet smile of yours.
I walked over to one of the empty beds in the room, the one with its curtain still closed. I sat down in front of it, hugging my knees.
I still couldn't understand when I saw you on that hospital bed.
How was I supposed to feel when I saw you on that? Your life withering away right in front of me.
I couldn't do anything. I couldn't… I felt so lost, so powerless. Why did you enter my life, brightening everything up as if you were the sun itself, then leave?
Why couldn't I just exchange my life with yours?
All I could do was be there for you. All day long, and night. I couldn't remember how many days I skipped school just to stay there by your side. My parents, yours too, had to pry me away from you.
Even you said to not visit you so much.
That was so you. Even at that time, you were more worried about me than yourself. I called bullshit and stayed. I couldn't leave you alone.
But all I did was cry whenever I saw you in that bed, every new day being one day closer to the end. My heart could only handle so much before breaking.
You cried as well, but not as hard. And you still consoled me. I thought you'd need me by your side, but it was me who needed you.
I was so dumb I was the one getting comforted when visiting the love of my life on his deathbed.
I wanted the happiness we had to stay. I wanted to be by your side forever. I wanted to keep feeling the love between us, to keep the fire between us burning bright.
I didn't want to be the only one left keeping it alive.
Then your last day came.
I remembered your question from back then. I wasn't so dumb for once that I forgot. I promised to you I wouldn't forget you. Never in my life will I ever forget the moments we had together, even after all my fur grew grey.
I couldn't hold back my tears after that. You couldn't.
That was the last time we said I love you to each other.
Why didn't you tell me? If I had known… If I had just known earlier, I could have helped. Maybe I wouldn't have bothered you for homework as much. Maybe I would've understood why you always had such a distant and sad look in your eyes.
Maybe we could've shared more meaningful times together.
I would've said I love you so many more times than I had before, no matter how shy I got. Why didn't I say that more?
My vision grew blurry. I wiped all my tears away with my arms, my snots could be wiped with tissues later.
I couldn't keep remembering only happy memories, it was impossible to not have these feeling and other memories flood in.
I missed waking up each morning with you in my arms. Everyday I woke up and got out of bed, and saw your bed in its empty state, I couldn't stop myself from becoming a mess like I was now. All teary-eyed and nose full of snots from crying.
Never have I stopped wishing to see that curtain of your bed to open again, and to see you coming out with those bed-fur of yours I always see in the morning.
Never have I stopped wishing to hear your voice again, to hear you call me Durry one more time. To hear you play that guitar again, even if only for just one more note.
To…
My tears stopped, my snot now wiped away with tissues. I stood up, gathering myself back together. I didn't want to make the others wait too long.
I looked back at your bed one more time, and sighed.
I was so dumb I was going to say something you've already know. I was so dumb I believed you'd hear what I was going to say right now, even though you weren't there.
"It's been hard without you, Migs. It really has," I took a deep breath, "but I'll keep going, no matter what. For you. And I just want you to know…"
"I love you," I said, my voice choked. "and I'll remember you, always. So please wait for me, okay?"