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He’s meeting with the other martial gods when it happens. The feeling in his chest is not his, but he almost wishes it was. His soulmate has felt this feeling before, but never this strongly. It takes him a moment to recognize the feeling, but when he does, he clenches his fist.
Mu Qing’s soulmate is in love. Again.
He can’t believe he hadn’t noticed before. His soulmate has been feeling love more regularly these past few weeks, but this is the first time the feeling has lingered long enough for Mu Qing to identify it. He clenches his teeth, repeating his old mantra from the last time his soulmate had been in love in an attempt to convince himself that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t need a soulmate. He’s fine on his own.
If repeats it enough maybe he’ll eventually believe it.
“Xuan Zhen,” Feng Xin says, the irritation in his voice cutting through Mu Qing’s melancholy thoughts, “What do you think?”
Mu Qing quickly thinks back to what they had been talking about and shoots out an agreement. The others look at him curiously, he’s not one to zone out in meetings, but they move along swiftly. Except Feng Xin, whose gaze lingers on him for several moments longer than the others. He looks sad, almost.
Mu Qing glares at him, wanting nothing to do with whatever is going on in Feng Xin’s head, and Feng Xin looks away.
The meeting doesn’t last much longer and as soon as it’s over both Mu Qing and Feng Xin leave quickly. Mu Qing has no idea what Feng Xin could possibly be doing, probably looking for his ghostly lover, but Mu Qing desperately needs to think about the new development with his soulmate in private.
Not because he’s upset. But because soulmates are private things. Nobody needs to see him getting worked up about something that has nothing to do with them. Not that he’ll be getting worked up, because he doesn’t care.
His soulmate can love whoever they want, Mu Qing doesn’t care. In fact, he doesn’t even need to think about it. It doesn’t matter to him.
Mu Qing spends the rest of the day working, determined not think about his soulmate and their love for someone that isn’t him, why doesn’t his soulmate love him, they’re supposed to be his -
He doesn’t get much work done.
He spends the next few days trying to pretend that he hadn’t just lost his chance at unconditional love, that everything is normal and fine. Apparently his act is good enough to fool everyone. It makes him somewhat bitter, that no one knows him enough to notice something is terribly wrong with him.
“What’s wrong with you? You’ve been acting weird since that meeting last week.”
Except, apparently, Feng Xin. Who had just barged into his office without invitation, or even knocking.
Mu Qing shoots him a glare. “What are you talking about?” he snaps, “There’s nothing wrong with me. Clearly your brain has been working too hard trying to think and now it’s imagining things.”
He hopes his irritated words will be enough to get Feng Xin to back off, or at least provoke a fight. For a moment it seems that it would, Feng Xin clenches his fists and grits his teeth. And then he relaxes, any fight that Mu Qing had invoked in him draining away.
Mu Qing wishes it hadn’t. A fight with Feng Xin would’ve been perfect, a piece of time his brain could just be occupied by anger instead of the neverending despair that’s been hanging over him these past few days. Now it seems he wouldn’t be getting that.
“Look, I just want to know if there’s anything I can do,” Feng Xin says placatingly.
“Why would you care,” Mu Qing snaps, genuinely confused. Feng Xin has never taken an interest in his problems before, if not to mock, so why would he care now?
“Well we’re trying to be friends, aren’t we?” Feng Xin asks, “And friends check in when their friends are feeling down. So. Consider this my check in.”
Mu Qing feels both embarrassed and kind of… happy? That Feng Xin would bother to go through something so clearly uncomfortable for him because he was trying to make an effort at being friends.
“Right. Well, I’m fine. Thanks for the check in, I guess. You can go now,” he says, hoping to get Feng Xin off his back, because although he appreciates the gesture, this isn’t something he wants to talk to Feng Xin about. After all, Feng Xin already had his soulmate, Jian Lan, and he probably would think Mu Qing pathetic for having a soulmate that didn’t love him.
Besides, if he started talking about love with Feng Xin, he might figure out about Mu Qing’s pathetic feelings for him.
(Yes he was being hypocritical, but in his defence he shoved his feelings for Feng Xin far enough down that he doubted his soulmate could feel them. Much. Besides, his feelings for Feng Xin would never be requited, but he’d always hoped he’d be able to have a mutually requited love with his soulmate.)
Instead of leaving though, Feng Xin just frowns. “No,” he says firmly, “There’s something going on with you and it’s been eating away at you for a week now. I was going to leave you alone to deal with it but you just look sadder every day. So even if you don’t talk to me about it, talk to dianxia. Or anyone. It doesn’t matter who, but trust me, keeping something like this to yourself is just going to hurt you later on.”
Feng Xin says this confidently, as if he’d ever struggled with his feelings enough to know what he was talking about. Or maybe he did, who knew with Feng Xin. Mu Qing had slowly been learning that there was more to the other martial god than what he’d thought for centuries.
Even if Feng Xin knew what he was talking about, Mu Qing wasn’t going to listen to his advice. He’d been dealing fine without anyone for eight centuries, and he’d be fine doing so continuing forward.
“Like hell I will,” he growls, “I don’t need your advice on anything, let alone this? What do you know about soulmate problems, the biggest problem you’re facing is that she cares too much about you!”
“So it’s about your soulmate?” Feng Xin says, and fuck how did Mu Qing let that slip. Feng Xin was never going to let that go.
“What did they do?” he asks, the concern in his voice angering Mu Qing even further and, well, he’s already revealed more than he wanted to, what’s a bit more.
“They’ve gone and fallen in love with someone that’s not me, that’s what they’ve done!” Mu Qing yells, and it looks like Feng Xin is about to say something but he asked what was wrong and Mu Qing was going to tell him all of it, “They’ve fallen in love with someone else and took away my only chance at love! And I shouldn’t care, but I do, I care so much and I hate it. I shouldn’t be angry because I’ve been in love with you for centuries so I’m just being a hypocrite, but I don’t care because it’s not like you’ll love me either! I just have to accept that no one will ever love me!”
“Wha- Mu Qing?” Feng Xin says with a shocked face, his hand hovering in the air, as if to reach over to Mu Qing. Mu Qing can’t look at him anymore, so he looks away.
Apparently that’s some sort of invitation to Feng Xin, who puts his hand on Mu Qing’s arm.
And Mu Qing’s gasps as his world changes completely.
They say that the first touch between two soulmates in love is the most indescribable feeling in the universe. That you can feel your soulmates emotions so perfectly it’s almost as if you can read their thoughts. That the feeling of completeness that washes over you makes you want to never let go.
Mu Qing guessed they were right.
Feng Xin, who is clearly also affected (and when did Mu Qing look back towards him?), instead of doing anything rational, grabs Mu Qing and tries to tug him over the desk. Mu Qing sprawls forward and Feng Xin pulls away.
Mu Qing pushes himself up from his desk and glares at Feng Xin. “Why did you let go?” he demands, the implications of what had just happened not truly settled into his brain yet. He just wanted that feeling back.
“Mu Qing, you know what that meant, right?” Feng Xin asks, looking both concerned and elated at the same time.
Mu Qing furrowed his brow, his brain finally realizing what had just happened and what it meant.
Feng Xin was his soulmate. And he was in love with Mu Qing.
Mu Qing wanted to run away, maybe give up his godhood and become a farmer of some sort instead. He had basically just told Feng Xin he was upset because Feng Xin had fallen in love with someone. He’d also told Feng Xin that he loved him.
“Mu Qing? Are you alright?” Feng Xin asks, watching him cautiously. Mu Qing had been gripping the sides of his desk tight enough that the wood was starting to strain.
“I thought Jian Lan was your soulmate,” is all Mu Qing can think to say, body hunched over the desk in embarrassment.
There’s a moment of silence, then Feng Xin says, “Is that what you meant earlier? You thought that Jian Lan was my soulmate?”
“Well, she’s the only one you’ve ever had feelings for, isn’t she?” Mu Qing demands.
“Mu Qing, I think that’s quite obviously not true. If it were, we wouldn’t have felt that feeling we did when we touched. I love you Mu Qing, and apparently I’m your soulmate. So you don’t have to worry about me or your soulmate not loving you, because I do. A lot,” Feng Xin says, and Mu Qing finally looks back up at him.
Feng Xin looks beautiful (he always does), determination and something else (love) written across his face. Mu Qing swallows.
“I love you too,” he manages to get out, “I have for nearly five hundred years.”
Feng Xin smiles, which only makes him even more beautiful which just isn’t fair for Mu Qing. How is he supposed to spend the rest of his life with Feng Xin if he keeps driving Mu Qing insane with his beauty?
“I guess we should talk about this, huh?” Feng Xin says, “We’ve both been pretty stupid for a while. I thought my soulmate was in love with someone else for the past five hundred years. And you were stupid enough to think I could love anyone but you anymore.”
Mu Qing huffs. Maybe he had been a bit stupid, but so had Feng Xin. After all, the man didn’t pick up on Mu Qing’s, quite frankly, very obvious feelings for him in the five hundred years he’d had them.
Mu Qing nods in agreement. “We should. Talk about this properly. Right now?” he asks.
Feng Xin nods. “But before we do that, there’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a while.”
Feng Xin moves around the desk and he hugs Mu Qing. The earlier feeling returns, though a bit more muted. Mu Qing melts into the embrace, wrapping his own arms around Feng Xin. He knows this talk isn’t going to be easy, not with their history. Nonetheless, Mu Qing has wanted this for so long that now it’s in his grasp he doesn’t care if he has to reveal even his darkest secrets to keep it.
Despite his earlier feelings on the topic, he’s really glad his soulmate fell in love.