Chapter Text
08/02 11:42 P.M.
You: some days i really don’t feel like it’s worth carrying on
09/02 00:02 A.M.
Unknown: Who is this?
You: it doesn’t matter, I’ll stop texting you
Unknown: No, wait, come back, what did you mean?
00:14 A.M.
You: i didn’t think anyone would answer
Unknown: Why not?
You: i literally typed a random series of numbers into my phone
Unknown: Oh. Okay. Well, I’m here, so do you want to talk?
00:29 A.M.
You: i’m sorry i shouldn’t bother you, i don’t even know who you are
Unknown: You’re not bothering me
Unknown: I was just procrastinating on homework anyway
You: homework? at this hour?
Unknown: Don’t judge me
You: i’m not, darling, i promise i’m not
Unknown: ...darling?
You: oh i call everyone that
You: i can stop if you want?
Unknown: It’s fine, I don’t mind
Unknown: So, what’s on your mind?
You: you don’t wanna know
Unknown: If I didn’t wanna know, I wouldn’t ask
00:41 A.M.
You: god i’m sorry i can’t even explain it
You: you must think i’m so weird
You: texting some random person that i wanna die, who does that?
Unknown: I don’t think you’re weird
Unknown: I could’ve not answered, but I did
You: out of moral obligation
You: okay sorry that was kinda mean of me to say
You: i’m grateful that you replied even though you had no reason to i’m just…
You: god
You: i’m a mess sdgdsgsdgs
Unknown: Can you give me a bit more than that?
Unknown: Where are you right now?
You: so you can call 911 on me?
Unknown: I just wondered what you were doing
You: i’m just in my room
You: um
You: drinking
Unknown: Have you had a lot?
You: uh
You: yeah
Unknown: Are you planning on drinking more?
You: absofuckinglutely
Unknown: Well, I don’t want to tell you what to do, but… maybe don’t? You could get hurt
You: i’m already hurt
Unknown: What do you mean?
Unknown: Are you still there?
00:55 A.M.
Unknown: Hello?
01:02 A.M.
Unknown: Look, I don’t know who you are, but I wanna help you
Unknown: But I can’t do that if you ghost me alright?
Unknown: Wait you’re in a place where you can talk, are you?
Unknown: Are you in any danger right now?
You: no sorry i’m not
You: i mean i always am
You: to some extent
You: but the odds of him calling me again tonight are rather slim in my expert opinion
Unknown: ...Him?
You: we really don’t have to talk about this
Unknown: If you don’t want to, that’s okay, but I just want you to know that you shouldn’t stop yourself on my behalf
Unknown: I’m okay
Unknown: Is there something else you want to talk about?
You: yes
You: i dunno
You: maybe
You: i wouldn’t know what
You: um
You: can you tell me something about yourself? about your day?
Unknown: Okay
Unknown: Not sure there's much to say, though, I don't lead the most interesting life
You: tell me anyway
Unknown: Well I had class all day except last period, and then I just called my friend until I had violin practice
You: you play the violin?
Unknown: Yes
You: isn't that like super hard
Unknown: Dshsjskkdkd depends on what you call hard
Unknown: I’ve been playing my whole life tho so I might be biased
You: maybe so
Unknown: Sdgsdgs
Unknown: My father played the violin, the one I have right now is his
You: played?
Unknown: Yeah, he died when I was one year old
You: oh i’m sorry
Unknown: It’s alright, I never really knew him anyway
Unknown: I live with my mom, she talks about him a lot
You: is she nice? your mom?
Unknown: Yeah! I love her a lot
You: that must be nice
You: wait
You: ah fuck i made it sad again
You: why am i so bad at this
Unknown: you’re fine love
You: …
You: love?
Unknown: Ah shit I’m sorry I uh
Unknown: Idk I just thought because of the darling
Unknown: But I shouldn’t have I uh
You: dsgdgsdgsdgd it’s alright darling
You: oh my god you really are adorable
Unknown: Oh hush
You: so i’m guessing you’re about my age?
You: i mean you don’t have to tell me
Unknown: I don’t even know how old you are hdsfsdf
You: 18
Unknown: Oh so am I
You: what are the odds of that huh
Unknown: I might start to think you did send me a message intentionally
You: what no
You: i promise i didn’t
Unknown: sdgdgdsgds I was just kidding don’t worry
You: hmmmmm
You: we do seem to have a lot in common though. same age, both queer
Unknown: How the fuck–
Unknown: The keyboard smash
You: yes.
Unknown: Only because you used one first tho
You: fair enough
You: i don’t mind anyone knowing i’m queer tbh. everyone who knows me already does
Unknown: God, can’t relate. Only my mom and my best friends know I’m gay
Unknown: Sometimes I wish I could be out and proud though
You: well i’m only one of those things
Unknown: ?
You: ignore me
You: i just didn’t have much say in the matter sdgsgsdgsdsdg which has me kinda bitter sometimes
Unknown: Were you outed?
You: yeppp
Unknown: That’s really shitty, I’m sorry
You: eh it doesn’t matter. it’s like five years ago now anyway
Unknown: You were outed at thirteen?
You: oh does eighteen minus five make thirteen? i didn’t know
You: sorry that was rude
Unknown: It’s fine, it’s not really my business anyway
You: i don’t really care tbh
You: basically i kissed this other boy at my parents’ christmas party
You: and it was alright? as far as first kisses go
You: but then he got cold feet and told everyone i’d forced him
You: which i did NOT i have never forced myself upon anyone
Unknown: Oh fuck
You: yeah! and he obviously told my father who was less than happy to hear about it
You: ...are you still there?
Unknown: Yeah, sorry, I am
Unknown: Go on
You: well there isn’t much else to tell
You: my father told me to stop kissing boys but i’m still doing it so
Unknown: …
Unknown: Is that why you’re hurt right now?
02:07 A.M.
Unknown: Shit sorry I shouldn’t have asked
Unknown: It’s none of my business
You: you’re damn right it’s not
Unknown: I’m sorry
Unknown: Do you want to talk about something else?
You: i guess
You: tell me something about your mom
You: you said she knows you’re gay?
Unknown: Yeah, I came out to her when I was I dunno fifteen or something
You: how’d she take it?
Unknown: Really well actually!
Unknown: I was nervous about it because I wasn't completely sure at the time, but it really was eating away at me so I just sort of… spilled it one day
Unknown: And she's been really supportive. I mean I could do without her constantly asking me if I have a boyfriend already, but I suppose it's better than having her nag about getting a girlfriend
You: haha
You: that sounds, uh
You: that sounds nice. i'm happy for you
You: my mom. uh
You: i mean logically she must know
You: we've just never really talked about it, she doesn't mention it and neither do i
Unknown: I’m sorry
You: what for?
Unknown: I don’t know. Just felt appropriate I guess
You: hm
You: tbh i don’t really mind
You: i wouldn’t want to talk to my mom about it
You: it’d just be weird
Unknown: You think so?
You: i know so
You: my mom and i don’t really talk in general
Unknown: Is there someone else you talk to then?
You: not really
You: i mean, i bully my sister a lot
Unknown: Younger? Older?
You: three years younger
Unknown: What’s she like?
You: the worst
Unknown: Ssdsgsdgsdg?
Unknown: She can’t be that bad
You: clearly you do not have siblings
Unknown: I don’t, and I kind of think it’s a pity
You: oh
You: i’m sorry i didn’t mean it like that
Unknown: It’s alright
Unknown: Maybe if I had siblings I’d agree
You: …
You: i feel like you still wouldn’t
You: you’re probably one of those ridiculously nice people who’d even get along with their siblings
Unknown: And you’re not?
You: ?
Unknown: A nice person?
You: god, no
You: i’m the worst
Unknown: What makes you say that?
You: uh, everything
You: nice people don’t drink because they can’t stand the sight of themselves
You: nice people don’t sleep around because they think it’s the only thing they’re good for
You: nice people don’t fucking launch into a wild panic because they heard a loud noise in their own fucking house
You: and nice people don’t keep strangers up until three in the morning because they can’t get the thought of wanting to die out of their goddamn heads
Unknown: It sounds to me like the only person you’re not being nice to is yourself
You: i don’t deserve it! if i were just
You: if i were just
You: not this , not me , then everything would be fine
You: it’s no one’s fault but my own
You: this could all end if i could just get my shit together and stop fucking up so badly if i could just stop messing around if i could stop letting my father down if i could just stop all of this
You: but it’s never gonna fucking change because I’m never gonna change
You: i can’t god knows i’ve tried
You: but i just
You: can’t
You: i’m sorry
Unknown: I’m sorry
You: ha
You: jinx
Unknown: Look
Unknown: I don’t know you all that well, but from what I’m getting, I doubt any of this is your fault?
You: you just haven’t met me
You: i’m the worst asshole on the whole fucking planet
Unknown: Even if you are (what I severely doubt) that doesn’t make a difference?
Unknown: You don’t deserve this
Unknown: And you can’t be someone you’re not
Unknown: No one should make you into something you don’t want to be
Unknown: I’m sorry you’ve been made to believe that you’re wrong
Unknown: You deserve all the good things and mostly you deserve feeling like you’re worthy of them
Unknown: Are you still there?
You: yeah i’m sorry i’m just
You: fuck why am i crying
You: i haven’t cried in years
Unknown: It’s okay, crying is healthy
You: crying is pathetic
You: i’m pathetic
You: fuck
Unknown: You’re not pathetic, okay? It sounds to me like you’re dealing with a lot
Unknown: I’m really sorry you’re struggling but try not to get mad at yourself
Unknown: Love?
You: i’m sorry
You: i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry
Unknown: You don’t have to apologize
You: please just leave me alone and go to sleep
Unknown: I won’t. I’m here for as long as you need me
You: it’s fucking four in the morning
Unknown: Yes, and I’m making sure you’re alright
You: fuck
You: i’m just
You: i don’t know what to do
You: i don’t want to die but there is a part of me that does and i don’t know what to do with it
You: i’m scared
Unknown: Hey, it’s okay, I’m here for you, I’m not going anywhere
Unknown: What can I do to help?
You: i don’t know
You: just
You: convince my shit brain to not want to die so badly?
Unknown: Okay
Unknown: I’ll give you five reasons not to be dead
You: thank you
Unknown: Reason number one, because I want to hear your voice sometime
You: what?
Unknown: I don’t know, I just think you have a nice voice and I’d like to hear it
Unknown: So we should call some day
Unknown: But not tonight because I don’t wanna wake up my mom
You: okay?
Unknown: Reason number two, because there is a meteor shower in three weeks and I promise you you want to see that
You: what makes you think i care about that kinda stuff?
Unknown: Maybe you don’t, but I think you should. My mom and I always try to watch them and it’s magical. Have you ever seen a meteor shower before?
You: no
Unknown: Just trust me on this one, okay? I promise you’ll like it
You: fine
You: what are the other reasons?
Unknown: Here’s three. Know that guy who outed you? I’m mad at him, and I need you to be angry with me. We can bond over hating him.
You: sdgsdgdgsgds??
You: richard peele?
Unknown: Is that his name? God, I hate him even more now
You: i hate richard peele
Unknown: WE HATE RICHARD PEELE
You: sdgdsgsdgsdgs
You :’)
Unknown: Reason number four, because I’ve been practicing a particularly difficult piece on the violin, but I know I’m this close to mastering it
Unknown: And when I do, I want to send you the recording and graciously accept your compliments
You: hsdfsdfsds
You: fair enough I suppose
Unknown: And reason number five, because I want to get to know you
You: don’t bullshit me
Unknown: I’m not
You: why the fuck would you want to get to know me? out of pity?
You: what could i possibly have said in these past few hours that makes me look like anything but the waste of space that i am?
Unknown: None of that matters, love. Everyone has bad days
Unknown: Or nights
You: normal people don’t want to die
You: for me the good days are the exception
Unknown: I’m really sorry. But your sadness is not all that there is to you? I’ve only known you for a couple of hours and even I can see that. I can see that you’re a person behind your struggles, a person who deserves kindness and love. And you may think you don’t, but you’re wrong, and everyone who may have told you so is also wrong
Unknown: I don’t know who you are, but I don’t regret staying up with you tonight
Unknown: I’m glad you texted my number tonight. I’m glad I met you
Unknown: And you still owe me a hug
You: I do?
Unknown: Yep!
You: if you say so
Unknown: What are your plans for tomorrow?
You: idk
You: i’ve got school
You: i should probably go
Unknown: At what hour do you start?
You: nine
Unknown: Okay, can you try to get some sleep before that?
You: it’s past six in the morning
Unknown: Yeah, so you could still get an hour or two
Unknown: Better than nothing
Unknown: Okay?
You: alright
You: um
You: thanks
Unknown: You’re welcome, I’m glad I could help
Unknown: Could you… text me when you wake up?
You: okay
You: i will
Unknown: Goodnight, darling, sleep well
You: goodnight