Chapter Text
Amanda wasn’t nervous, exactly, but Jesse’s first parent/teacher conference was a new experience for her. She tried to get away early enough to pick Jesse up from school at least once a week, but she had still had to call in a couple of favours to make it in time for the meeting; the worry that she was going to miss it while she was stuck at the hospital waiting to interview a victim had only heightened her nerves, so she was a little on edge as she entered the classroom.
Every inch of the room seemed to burst with primary colours and children’s artwork. She glanced around as Jesse’s teacher collected some things from the back of the room, and she caught a glimpse of the class photo, Jesse grinning in the front row, showing off a missing tooth.
“Sorry to have kept you waiting, I’m Abigail Ellis, Jesse’s teacher. Please take a seat.”
“Thank you,” Amanda said, taking the offered chair.
“Is Jesse’s father joining us?” Miss Ellis asked, glancing towards the door
Amanda frowned. There was no way Declan Murphy was about to walk in that door, and she hadn’t even listed him on any of Jesse’s school paperwork. “Uh, no. Her dad is-”
“Oh, I know he’s a lawyer, it must be tough for him to get away during the school day.”
The confusion set in further at that. “Sorry?”
“We did a project last week on jobs - Jesse was very proud when she was telling everyone her momma catches bad guys and her daddy prosecutes them. That was definitely a new word for the class!”
Amanda took a breath – Sonny, of course. It wasn’t that Jesse had ever said aloud that she wanted him to be her dad, but it didn’t surprise her either. Despite his limited involvement in their lives, Jesse was well aware that Al was Billie’s father, it made sense she’d been wondering about her own. She had been meaning to have a conversation with Jesse about her biological father, but it wasn’t something she was about to unpack in front of her teacher. Better to just run with it for now.
“I bet. Sonny doesn’t like to talk down to the girls. Not that we talk about our work in front of them, but-”
“Oh no, I understand. I’m not passing judgment. We have students whose parents work in all sorts of jobs, and they’re curious at this age.”
Amanda nodded, and listened as Miss Ellis talked about how Jesse had settled in at school, the friends she made, the work she did – how kind Jesse was to the other children, how she talked at a mile a minute – like someone else I know, Amanda thought to herself – and got carried away telling elaborate stories.
“Would you like to see some of Jesse’s work?”
“Yeah, sure, of course.”
Amanda was proud – so proud – as she looked through the work Jesse’s teacher had picked out – her drawings, her writing – Jesse had been enjoying school, and it was great to see what she’d been doing - the pictures of Frannie, her attempts at writing her own name, with all the S’s backwards. Amanda stopped at one picture Jesse had drawn, the scribble underneath was only partially legible, but someone had written beneath it ‘I love my family’ – the picture was of four stick people – each one taller than the last – the smaller three had a scribble of blonde hair, whilst the tallest had lines of brown sticking up on the top of its head. Between the two adult figures Jesse had drawn a love heart. It pulled on Amanda’s heartstrings to see it, and she smiled.
“It’s a lovely drawing, isn’t it?” Miss Ellis said. “Jesse drew that when we were learning about different families.”
“Do you think I could take it home?” Amanda asked; she didn’t know what she wanted to do with it, didn’t quite know whether she wanted to share it with Sonny or not, but it felt like something she wanted to keep.
-
On her way out of the school, Amanda text Sonny to invite him for ice cream with her and the girls – a treat for Jesse – Amanda was feeling every inch the proud mother and she wanted him to share in that with her, with them.
She collected Jesse from the gym, where she had joined the after-school art class to wait for her mother – she bounded over, full of excitement and questions about Amanda’s meeting with Miss Ellis. “She’s so lovely, Momma, isn’t she?”
Amanda took Jesse’s hand in hers as they walked, “She is, and she’s been telling me about all the good work you’ve been doing. She even showed me some of your lovely pictures.”
“Did you see the one I did of Frannie on the moon? I think Frannie would like to go to the moon.” Amanda laughed, listening as Jesse continued talking about all the adventures she thought Frannie would like to go on.
Once they were in the car, Jesse buckled into her car seat, Amanda turned to look at her. “Jesse, I need to talk to you about something, okay?”
“What’s wrong, Momma?”
“Nothing sweetheart,” she reached into her bag and pulled out Jesse’s drawing. “Miss Ellis showed me this picture you drew.”
“My family!” Jesse said proudly. “Me and you and Billie and Uncle Sonny.”
“It’s a great drawing honey, and I love our little family too, but there’s something we need to talk about.”
Jesse frowned. “Are you havin’ another baby?”
“What? No, of course not. Jess, Miss Ellis said you told your class that your daddy is a lawyer.”
“Uncle Sonny is a lawyer. He prosecutes bad people,” she said, sounding ‘prosecutes’ out slowly. “He told me so.”
“I know that, Jesse, but Uncle Sonny isn’t your daddy.”
“But I didn’t have a daddy, Momma, so I decided Uncle Sonny is my daddy now.”
Amanda’s heart tightened at Jesse’s words. This was a conversation that was long overdue – she had avoided it, hoping it would hurt Jesse less this way. “Oh, sweetheart. That’s not how it works.”
“But Uncle Sonny would be a good daddy.” Jesse folded her arms across her chest, frowning at Amanda.
“Yeah, I know. And he loves you very much, we both do.”
“Why can’t Uncle Sonny just be my daddy then?”
Amanda reached into the back of the car, taking Jesse’s small hand in hers. “It just doesn’t work like that, Jesse. You have a daddy – you know how we talked about mommies and daddies making babies together, and that’s how Billie was born.”
“You made her with Al,” Jesse pulled a face at his name – Amanda had her suspicions about where she’d picked that up from.
“I did. And I made you with your daddy. His name is Declan.”
“But I don’t know him.”
“No, you don’t, and that’s okay, not everyone knows their mommy or daddy, but you have a family who you love you – me and Billie, and Uncle Sonny, and Aunt Olivia and Noah, and Uncle Fin, okay?”
“So Uncle Sonny can’t ever be my daddy? I can never have one?” Tears were pooling in Jesse’s eyes and guilt washed over Amanda once again – this wasn’t something she could fix; Jesse was never going to have her biological father in her life, not in the way she deserved, and whilst Amanda didn’t know what the future would hold, she couldn’t give her daughter any guarantees, either.
“It’s more complicated than that; but right now he is your Uncle Sonny, and he loves you and Billie so much it doesn’t matter whether he’s your daddy or not.”
Jesse swiped the tears away from her eyes. “What about when you and Uncle Sonny get married?”
“Oh, Jesse, you know that Uncle Sonny and I aren’t getting married.”
“Not yet,” Jesse said with a smile, like she knew something Amanda didn’t.
-
They met Sonny and Billie at the ice cream parlour – he’d already gotten them a booth, and Billie was strapped into a high chair on the end. She was scribbling on a colouring page with a crayon and giggling to herself.
“Jesse!” Sonny yelled as they approach, “There’s my girl!”
Amanda sighed– he was oblivious to her frustration, not knowing the difficult conversation she’d just had. Jesse ran to him, throwing herself onto the booth and clambering across to sit next to him.
“I hear somebody is a superstar at school!”
“Momma met my teacher and she said she’s lovely!”
“And what did your teacher say about you?”
“Momma? What did Miss Ellis say?”
“Lots of very nice things,” Amanda slid into the booth opposite them. She gave Sonny a pointed look as she said, “She said Jesse taught her class the word prosecute.”
“You gotta teach them these things young,” Sonny said with a smile.
“Miss Ellis also mentioned Jesse talks a lot,” Amanda gave him another look, “I’m not sure who she’s gotten that from.”
Sonny shook his head and lifted his hands up in surrender. “She’s her mother’s daughter, I don’t know what you’re tryin’ to say.”
-
Later, when they were back at Amanda’s apartment and the girls had reached the crash point of the ice-cream-for-dinner sugar high, Amanda pulled the picture from her bag again.
She looked over at Sonny where he was sitting on the armchair with Billie sprawled across his lap snoring lightly, and contemplated telling him – about the picture, about Jesse’s questions. He looked at home here with her girls. It had felt so natural to have him meet them for ice cream, to make him a part of that family celebration, and while she had meant what she said about Jesse having her own family – one that included Liv, and Fin… Sonny sat differently in that picture, closer to her and a part of this unit.
She opted to say nothing, but put the picture onto the fridge. Sonny looked over to see what she was doing; if he noticed the heart Jesse had drawn he didn’t say anything, but it was clear who the fourth figure in the picture was, and the way his face lit up set off butterflies in her stomach.