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“Abed! You got someone PREGNANT?” Troy exclaimed in horror.
“I think you misheard me. I thought that I got someone pregnant, but it turns out that it was a false alarm. Her boyfriend is definitely the father.”
Troy didn’t know what to say, so he just stared at Abed. To be honest, he had completely blanked after Abed said baby. Troy hated that. He didn’t want to lose Abed to a baby and some strange lady whose name he didn’t even know.
“Troy, you don’t seem to be taking this well.”
“How could I, Abed? I didn’t even know you were sleeping with anyone!”
Abed shrugged casually. “I didn’t know I needed to tell you. I’m sorry, I can make sure you tell you about the next one if you want. But this was months ago. I don’t see how it’s relevant.”
Troy shook his head. “No, no. I don’t want to know who you’re sleeping with. Especially if they have a boyfriend.”
Abed looked confused. “I don’t understand. I feel like I did something wrong, but I don’t know what it is.”
Troy sighed, falling back onto Abed’s couch. “No, buddy. You didn’t do anything wrong. Just… be more careful okay? You don’t have any money, and neither do I. We can’t afford to have a baby to take care of.”
He said it before he even realized he was thinking it. Of course if Abed had a baby he wouldn’t let himself fade to the background, he’d do everything he could to help him. He hoped Abed didn’t think that was weird. Judging by the soft smile and reassuring hand squeeze that he gave Troy, he didn’t think twice about it either.
…...
Britta is beautiful. She has long blonde curls and piercing blue eyes. She’s kind, passionate and messy. She’s everything that Troy would have loved in high school. Opinionated and loud, hard to keep up with. Just his type. Sometimes if he thought about it really hard for a very long time, he could see himself really having feelings for Britta.
Until one morning, when Troy was walking to meet Abed at his dorm before class. This was always his favorite part of the day, meeting with Abed for cereal and walking to class together. But that morning he was met with a sight that made him feel less than excited. As he rounded the corner, Abed and Britta stepped out of Abed’s dorm and into the hallway. Abed’s shoes were already tied, something that Troy usually did for him before they left. Had she tied them for him?
Troy tried to ignore his annoyance as he approached them. They looked shocked to see him, as if he didn’t come here every morning at the same exact time.
“Hey Troy!” Britta said, a little too excited to see him.
“Hey Britta. Hey Abed. What’s going on, buddy? No cartoons and cereal today?” He already knew the answer but he was really hoping for an explanation as to why.
Britta shifted her eyes back and forth between them. “I’m just gonna go, Abed, so you guys can talk. I’ll see you in class!” She chimed, bouncing away.
“She’s cheerful today…” Troy said, trying not to sound bitter.
Abed smiled after her, watching her walk away. “Yeah…” he smiled to himself. “Must’ve slept well last night.”
“Oh. My. God.” Troy gasped as everything started to make sense. “You slept with her!” He sounded accusing, but he didn’t mean to.
Abeds eyes got wide. He looked like a deer in the headlights. “You’re not going to tell the group, are you?”
“No! That would be crazy! Jeff would lose his mind! Britta would hate me!”
“Why are you upset? Did I do something wrong again? I thought you didn’t want to know when I’m sleeping with someone.”
“I changed my mind. I want to know if it’s someone in the group. That’s… not fair. We’re supposed to tell each other everything.”
Abed looked down. He seemed ashamed, which was surprising. Abed didn’t feel guilty often.
“If you had told me, you might have known that I like her…” Troy continued. He hadn’t been too sure about his feelings for Britta, but judging by the sick feeling in his stomach and his red hot annoyance at Abed, he was pretty sure that he almost definitely liked her.
“I’m sorry,” Abed frowned. “It just kinda happened. It didn’t mean anything though.”
“Then why would you do it? What about ‘the fabric of the group,’ or whatever?” Troy tried to cover up the hurt in his voice, but it was dripping from his tongue.
“Because she’s pretty, and she wanted to. That’s usually a good enough reason for me.”
He had a point. Troy sighed. He had no real reason to be mad. He hadn’t called dibs on Britta, and even if he had, Britta had wanted to sleep with Abed. He had no right to stop her. Could he blame her? Abed is gorgeous and attentive and gentle. He smelled good all the time and he had a way of making you feel like the most important person in the room. If Troy liked guys, Abed would be his first choice.
Troy shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. You’re both adults. You can do what you want.” He shoved his bad, upset feelings deep down and decided that those were feelings to deal with on another day.
For now, he would walk his best friend to class.
…...
Troy. Was. Mad.
It was Abed’s birthday, and he had wanted to spend it the same way they had spent it last year. Watching tv in Abed’s dorm and staying up all night laughing and sharing beers was enough for him. But Jeff had insisted on this surprise party.
It was a cool idea, Troy could admit that. And he knew that Abed would be over the moon for it. He was fine with it at first, just spending a night with all his friends, but now Jeff and Abed were nowhere to be seen, and according to Britta, they were out at dinner.
That was NOT fair. If anyone was taking Abed out for a birthday dinner, it should be him. And then Jeff’s extra cool special surprise made things extra bad. It was clear that Jeff was making a move on Abed. Troy knew he had a tendency to get protective and defensive of Abed, and sometimes it would make him act a little irrationally. But this time Troy wasn’t being crazy. Jeff was trying to steal his best friend.
No matter what Troy did, he couldn’t manage to relax all night long. Not until he had eyes on Abed again and he realized that he and Jeff maybe hadn’t had the best night together after all. Suddenly he felt fine again, like an anxiety light switch in his brain that just clicked right off.
He slid into the booth next time Abed, taking a sip of his wine. “You should let me bring you here sometime!” Troy suggested, trying to reclaim his rank as Abed’s first and best friend.
Abed nods, looking less excited than Troy hoped for him to be. He tried not to worry about it. He didn’t have to worry about it. He had his best friend back after all, and he wanted to do everything he could to keep it that way.
…...
Abed was known for his love for Star Wars. He was passionate about those movies. The first ones, at least. But what most people didn’t know, was that Troy loved them just as much as Abed did.
He hoped that it would go without saying that he wanted to be Leia when he stepped forward to lead their alliance. He thought it would be weird if he asked aloud to be Leia when Luke was a perfectly good (if not sometimes whiny) option. But apparently he and Abed had miscommunicated, and Abed seemed to be too busy playing Star Wars with Annie to notice.
Troy tried not to care. He tried to focus on proving himself to Jeff, but Troy wasn’t used to being on the outside of Abed’s homages and it kinda sucked. Abed made everything more fun.
But something seemed different between Annie and Abed after that day, and Troy couldn’t help but feel like she had taken something from him. He didn’t know what he had missed, but he knew he had missed something. Something big. Something that should have been his.
…...
Troy had barely spent any time with Abed all week long. They had watched a couple movies together, they had eaten their meals together, but they didn’t have any bunk bed conversations and they hadn’t visited the dreamatorium since the previous weekend. At first Troy had thought that Abed was mad at him, which resulted in a long and frustrating Tuesday, trying to figure out what he had done without needing to ask outright. Then he had spent Thursday trying desperately to find something that would interest Abed enough to pry his eyes away from his computer and get him to join Troy in the living room. Still no luck.
By Saturday night, Troy felt like he was losing his mind. He was trying to study, but he could keep his eyes on his book. They kept drifting to Abed, who sat behind his laptop with a mug of special drink, his face illuminated blue and his eyes glazed over.
“What are you doing on there?” Troy asked, trying not to sound huffy.
“Playing a game.” Abed said, not even looking up from his screen.
“Can I play too?”
“It’s not really that kinda game.”
Troy sighed and went back to his textbook, chewing on his pencil anxiously.
A few minutes later, Abed got up and silently walked to the bathroom. Troy wasn’t going to do anything sneaky or snoopy, he knew that. He’s a good friend and good friends don’t snoop around.
But it’s just a game, right?
As soon as Troy heard the bathroom lock click, he reached over and spun Abeds computer around, his eyes skimming the screen and gathering information.
Oh. It was Journey To Hawkthorne. That really made Troy mad, because he knew that game had been designed to be multiplayer. Before he could stop himself, he began clicking around. It didn’t look the same as the original game. Abed had been rebuilding it.
Everything looked similar, but clearly a lot smaller and less racist. The game was more focused around the village Abed had built. Specifically Hilda, and the hundreds of baby Abeds that Abed had created to run his village. Troy suddenly realized that he was frowning and relaxed his face, unwrinkling his nose and brow.
Hilda wasn’t a real girl. And Troy didn’t really care about her. She was a code. But he still couldn’t help but hate her in the moment. This? She was what Abed had been so preoccupied with?
What was so special about this game that he couldn’t play with Abed? What was so special about it that Abed didn’t have time for him anymore? He frowned, eyeing the flash drive sticking out of the computer. It would be so easy…..
Before Troy could think twice, he plucked the flash drive from the computer and dropped it into Abed’s mug, a few drops of the chocolate milk plopping over the side of the cup and onto the table.
Instantly Troy began to panic. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…” He mumbled, picking up the cup and hurrying to the kitchen, dumping the drink down the sink and fishing the flash drive out, rinsing it under the faucet. He had really fucked up this time. Abed would never forgive him, he was certain of it.
“Troy?” Abed’s voice came from the doorway. “What’s going on?”
Troy turned to see Abed, standing awkwardly in the door frame, his eyes on the mug in Troy’s hand.
“I wasn’t finished with that.” Abed sounded a little annoyed.
“Oh… Uh. Yeah, I know.” Troy stalled, fumbling with the flash drive in his fist. “I kinda might’ve… had a tiny bit of an accident?”
Abed raised his eyebrows. “What happened?”
As soon as Abed asked, Troy burst into tears. “I’m so sorry, Abed. I didn’t mean to- Well, actually I did mean to, but it was a mistake.” He held his hand out, opening it to reveal the flash drive. “I’m so sorry… I dropped it in your special drink.”
Abed stepped forward, taking the flash drive out of Troy’s hand. His brow furrowed. “Why?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know… I just don’t know.”
“But you said that you did it on purpose. What happened?”
“I- I saw your game, and I’ve just missed you so much this week, Abed! I just wanted to spend time with you, and you’ve spent all your time this week on your computer, and I just got so mad because I didn’t understand why you didn’t want to-”
Abed frowned. “So you ruined my flash drive? You know I have a backup hard drive, right? I still have the game.”
Troy just hiccuped and stared at Abed, wiping the tears from his cheek with his sleeve. “Y-you do?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. But I wish you had talked to me first. If I had known that you were feeling unloved, I would’ve set aside time for you.”
“I wasn’t- Well. Maybe unloved isn’t the right word… I- I don’t know what I was feeling. Sad. Lonely. Jealous.”
“Unloved.”
“Yeah. I guess so. Unloved.”
Abed nodded sadly. “Don’t worry about that, I do love you. I’ll always have time for you.Please don’t break my stuff anymore.”
Troy nodded. “I won’t, I promise.”
Abed turned, walking back to the table and closing his laptop, setting it aside. “Do you want help with your homework?” He called from the dining room.
Troy smiled to himself. “Please.” He called back, following Abed to the table, not even giving himself a chance to wonder why Abed telling him that he loved him had made him so happy. He definitely didn’t feel unloved.
…...
Toby had hurt Abed. Abed was used to being hurt, so he wasn’t very upset about it, but Troy was. He was appalled. He couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day at the convention, or even when they retired to their hotel room for the evening to recount the events of the day and admire their treasures from the convention.
He slid into bed next to Abed, handing him their photo from the gluon exhibit. Abed took it, smiling gently at it.
“I’m glad you waited to take it with me.” Abed leaned over, resting his head on Troy’s shoulder.
“Me too.” Troy leaned his head against Abed’s. There was another bed in the room, but Troy had felt distanced from Abed all day, and being close to him now was calming. He smelled like soap from his shower, and they had room service on the way. All Troy wanted was to have an awesome night with his best friend and to ignore all the less awesome events that had plagued what was supposed to be the coolest weekend ever.
“I’m sorry I let Toby intrude on our weekend together.” Abed said, nuzzling into Troy’s shoulder a bit.
Troy felt himself blushing a bit. “It’s okay, Abed. I didn’t even know he existed, though. I wish you had told me about him.”
Abed was quiet.
“Are you really upset about me dating Britta now? Is that why you invited Toby? To try to replace me?”
Abed picked his head up. “Don’t be mad.”
Troy frowned. “I won’t. What’s wrong?”
“Well, you do have a tendency to be jealous and protective, particularly of me. It was a little selfish, but I’ll admit that I was hoping that I’d get your attention.”
Troy nodded. “Well, it worked. I guess I can be a little overprotective, can’t I?”
“It was good in this case.” Abed pointed out. “You could’ve just left me and I might still be stuck in that phone booth right now.”
Troy shook his head. “I would’ve been looking for you by now, jealous or not.”
“Really? You wouldn’t be with Britta?”
“I’m not with Britta now anyway. I like spending time with you, Abed. Being with Britta doesn’t change that. Yes, I’m having sex now, but I still want to spend time with you more than anything else.”
“Really?”
“Always, buddy. You’re my first priority. We gotta stay close, and be honest with each other.” He scooted closer to Abed again, taking his hand.
Abed smiled sadly. “Yeah. You’re right. I guess I should tell you something then.”
“What?”
“I love you, Troy.”
Troy nodded. “ I love you too, Abed.”
“No, Troy. I love you. I love you.”
“Oh.” Troy didn’t know what to say to that. Abed was searching his face desperately for a response.
“I know you’re with Britta, and that you don’t like guys, and that’s fine. We can still be best friends. I don’t ever want that to change. But I wanted you to know that I love you.”
“Okay. Thank you.” Troy smiled softly. “This is fine.”
“We can pretend that I never said it if you want.” Abed shrugged.
Troy nodded. “Okay. Maybe we should. For the sake of our friendship?”
“Okay. Cool. Cool cool cool.” Abed took his hand out of Troy’s. “Can we watch some tv? I’d like to think about something else now.”
“Sure buddy, whatever you want.”
…...
Troy tried to ignore Abed’s feelings for him. Abed was good at ignoring it. At least it seemed like he was. He didn’t mention it at all, and Troy thought he might’ve forgotten now himself if he weren’t in a relationship. Every time he kissed Britta, he found himself thinking about Abed. Every time they touched, spoke, or had sex. It was hard not to feel guilty, like something in his life was wrong and it was all his fault. He hated it. It felt like he was lying to Britta, Abed, and himself, but he didn’t know what he was lying about.
He tried to stay close to Britta, but no matter how hard he tried, he always felt himself gravitate back to Abed. He was used to that, though. He had gravitated towards Abed since they had met. Something about him always felt comfortable and familiar. Safe and warm, like home. Britta was a hurricane. He wanted to chase her, wanted to want her. She was beautiful, and kind, and she was so much smarter than him. But she was intimidating, and he couldn’t help but feel like they were missing something. He felt like he should be giving her more, but he wasn’t, and she didn’t even seem to expect much more.
He found himself lying awake most nights, listening to Britta grind her teeth and missing his bunk bed. He would consider sneaking away and sliding back into his top bunk. Abed was a quiet sleeper. He never kept Troy awake, except for when they stayed up all night talking, which never annoyed Troy.
Every day was long and tiring, making himself work to make his relationship work. He felt stuck in between two different worlds. Britta’s was one that he wanted to be a part of. Being with her made him feel like the person he had always wanted to be. But being with Abed made him feel like himself.
The night of Britta’s dance, Troy found himself rushing around like always, to keep up with Britta, while wishing the entire time that he could be with Abed instead. Abed was doing a “two dates” thing that Troy wished he could be a part of desperately. Abed had two girls who wanted him tonight, and Troy was running around getting chips and ice so that Britta could prove herself to Jeff.
Troy waited all night to spend time with Abed, but at the end of the night, he brought a third girl home with him. Abed quickly introduced the girl as Rachel, and dragged her off to his blanket fort.
He insisted the next morning that they had only watched TV, but Troy had a sneaking suspicion that they had done more than that.
…...
“Hey Britta!”
“Hey Troy! How is your trip so far?” Britta’s voice rang excitedly through the phone.
“It’s awesome! I haven’t seen a lot yet, other than the ocean.” Troy shrugged.
“Where are you now?” She asked. He could hear her lighter click at the end of the line. She was smoking.
“I’m in Japan right now. It’s really awesome here, I think you’d like it. The food is really gross and scary though. I’m living on miso soup for a few days.”
Britta laughed. Another lighter click. Pause. “How long are you staying?”
“Just long enough for Levar and I to get some real sleep and reset. Then we’re back on our way. Enough about me and my trip though, I’m desperate for normalcy. How is everyone?”
“Oh, we’re good!” Britta chimed. “I might move in with Abed and Annie, and Jeff is teaching now!”
“That’s cool!”
“Yeah, and Abed even has a girlfriend, which is really awesome!”
“Oh, really?” Troy felt his heart sink into his stomach. “That’s cool. What’s she like?”
“Her name is Rachel! They’re pretty close. They communicate in facial expressions and they’ve been playing through this weird game called The Last of Us. It’s a little lame, but she’s funny and sweet. We like her. You’d like her.”
“I’ve met her. Once. She is really awesome.”
“I’m just glad Abed has her, he hasn’t been doing very well since you left.”
“Look, Britta, I’ve actually gotta run, okay?”
“Oh. Okay. Well. It was nice to talk to you, even if it was short. Please stay in touch, okay?”
Troy nodded to nobody. “I’ll talk to you later, Britta.”
He hung up and tossed his phone aside, falling face down on the hotel bed. He groaned. Why had he been so stupid? Why hadn’t he realized his feelings for Abed years ago? He felt stupid, and he hated Rachel. He hated the idea of her kissing Abed. Touching him. Pulling him close. Sleeping in his bed. Smelling him on the sheets. Oh god. The thought of Abed having sex with her made him feel sick. Like he was watching someone else get something that should’ve been his. Because he was.
He picked up his phone again, scrolling through facebook. Abed had changed his profile photo. It had once been a photo of him and Troy, adorned in their inspector spacetime cosplay. Now a photo of Abed and a girl with glasses stared back. She was kissing his cheek and he was smiling. His smile made Troy’s chest ache. He missed Abed so much.
He remembered back to the night that Abed had told him that he was in love with him, and he kicked himself one million times. He should’ve taken Abed into his arms and told him that he wanted to hear Abed say that every day for the rest of his life. But now he could never tell Abed. That wouldn’t be fair to Abed or Rachel.
He threw his phone down again after scrolling past a photo of Annie, Abed and Rachel, smiling with their arms around each other in his old living room. He couldn’t stand it.
After hours of staring at the ceiling, tossing and turning, Troy finally fell asleep. He dreamed of ships on waves, warm brown eyes, and a love that was really something.