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i.
Shelby is one and a half the first time she hears it. She’s playing with her dolls in her bright pink room, her mother on a chair reading a book, to keep an eye on her. Shelby is enjoying herself, she’s started talking recently, and she doesn’t know it yet, but her parents will tell her she’s always been very premature for her age, articulating quite long sentences by the time she’s two. She still drags her feet behind her when she tries to crawl, finding it so damn hard to stay in equilibrium on her little feet.
But she’s one and a half, and she hears something like a whine, a blurted out half a word, or a wail. It feels real, but to Shelby cartoons feel real too, as if the characters were trapped inside the big black box, so she’s not sure yet if it’s real -real.
She’s one and a half, and she doesn’t have a strong concept of cause-effect yet, but Shelby knows that when she falls, it hurts. What doesn’t make sense to her, is how she feels pangs of pain at random times, as if she slammed herself against a door, while being still.
But Shelby is one and a half, and she has a span of memory for which she has no idea if that is actually the first time she feels those two things, or if it has happened many times already. And as soon as it’s over, she forgets it once again.
ii.
She’s almost three, when she hears a full sentence. For the past few years she kept hearing slurred words, like “food”, “cartoons”, “pee” and “poop”. The four horsemen of needs: bodily urges and art. Shelby understood that the characters aren’t actually trapped in the big box, but she doesn’t understand yet how they get in and out, and where they go, in between times.
The sentence is “ This is mine ”. It’s simple, a classic, something Shelby heard so many times before and said so many times before as well. But her daddy always told her that greed is something bad, a « sin », and Shelby has no idea what it means but by her dad’s tone she can tell it’s something important.
So Shelby can’t help but ask herself, “What is mine?”. It felt like an intrusive thought, something that popped in the back of Shelby’s mind without her permission, and it feels a bit like it does when her mom asks her if she wants to bring any toys to the park, and she says she has everything already, but by the time they step out of the house she left all of them inside.
“ The juice. It’s mine. ” is the answer, and Shelby freezes on the spot. She didn’t have any juice today. The few times her parents let her, it was homemade, without sugar, just pure freshly squeezed orange juice.
“ Sounds good. ” is another thought, in that same foreign tone, and Shelby looks around. Perhaps- is that where the cartoons’ characters go when she turns the tv off? In her head? No, perhaps it’s like Toy Story, perhaps it’s her dolls finally talking to her. Shelby knew it, oh God, it was happening, she got to meet them-
“ I heard my spiderman talk the other day too. ”
Shelby doesn’t have any spiderman toys, so it must be that her toys have toys too, and that means that she has double the amount of toys. She can’t help but let a squeak of joy out, as she runs to tell her mom.
Except when she does, her mom looks just a bit concerned, before she shrugs it off as some childish thoughts.
Shelby feels disappointed, but she’s sure of what she heard. So she closes her eyes, and whispers: « Are you still here? »
“ Still where? ”
Shelby sighs, smiles, and throws herself on the little bed. Now she just needs to find where her toys’ toys are hiding.
iii.
Shelby is four, when she gives up. The voice in her head told her that she’s “ In Minnesota. ”, and when Shelby asks her parents where that is, they tell her it’s a two hours flight away. Shelby has no idea what that means, and she’d love to fly, but she still can’t make a sense out of how the hell her toys got so damn far away. When her parents ask her where she heard that, she answers that it was the voice in her head, and they look concerned, again. Her mom tells her dad that she must have heard it from some cartoon, and that perhaps they’re letting her watch too much tv.
So, what Shelby gains from her little question, is no tv. Punishment, for curiosity. Shelby can’t believe it.
“ Can’t believe what? ”
“It’s your fault. I can’t watch Tom and Jerry anymore.”
“ I don’t know what that is. My foster parents don’t have a tv. ”
Shelby doesn’t know what foster parents are, but she has a more urgent question. “How come you don’t have a tv? Don’t you live inside one?”
“ What are you talking about? ”
Shelby shakes her head, because it must be the standard procedure for cartoons’ characters to hide their identity. Or perhaps the voice was from a toy — Shelby’s getting confused from her own theories.
iv.
It’s a week after her fifth birthday, when Shelby’s parents explain to her what angels are. She’s attending catechism, but she didn’t really grasp the concept, until Shelby’s grandad passes away and Shelby learns what dying means.
« But he’ll be your guardian angel, now. » Her dad tells her, caressing her head.
« What do guardian angels do, daddy? » She asks, her voice still high pitched like every other children’s.
« They protect you, they guide you, advise you. »
That’s when it clicks. Shelby already has a guardian angel, and that must be what her voice is. Perhaps someone passed away when she was little, and now her grandad was someone else’s angel.
She runs to her room, ready to ask her voice. “Are you my guardian angel?” she asks in her head.
“ Your what? ”
“My guardian angel. Did you die?”
“ You’re so weird. I’m still alive. ”
“If you’re not an angel, then what are you?”
“ First of all, I’m not a what. I’m Toni. ”
“Then I’m Shelby.”
“ Didn’t ask you. ”
“Figured you’d want to know.”
“ Figured wrong. ”
Shelby sticks her tongue out, but she’s not sure if Toni can see it.
If Toni is alive, then it must either be that guardian angels can be living people too, or that it’s just a voice in her head — Shelby is pretty sure it’s the first case.
v.
Shelby is no longer sure is the first case, when she’s a little older than seven, her mom is pregnant, and she’s been asking her classmates if they hear voices too.
The teacher called her parents to school, as Shelby waits for them outside of the classroom, that afternoon. She’s swinging her feet on the chair, hands on her skirt, heart racing in her ribcage. Her parents were never called to school. She was a good kid. What did she do?
“ Relax, mine are here almost every week. ”
The relief Toni’s voice always brings in her is something Shelby feels so grateful for, that she feels her eyes get a little wetter.
“ You’re making me anxious, Shelby. Calm down, nothing’s gonna happen. ”
When her parents walk out of the classroom, the look they give her is one of concern, from her mother’s part, and one of disappointment, from her father’s.
On the drive home her mother keeps repeating that it must be an imaginary friend, while Shelby hears for the first time the word « exorcism » coming from her father’s lips.
vi.
“ I have chills. What’s happening, Shelby? ”
It’s just a week after the call, and the local church’s priest came to visit them. They all had lunch together, as he kept asking Shelby many questions. Shelby happily answered all of them, as were all questions about Toni. But once they were finished, the old man told her to kneel in the living room, as he imposed his hands on her head and recited words in a language Shelby never heard before.
She’s scared, for some reason. He told her that it’s not a game, that it’s something she has to be very serious about, that she needs to let Jesus in. Shelby has never met Jesus yet, what does that even mean? Let him in their house? If her parents are okay with it then sure, why not.
Toni’s voice steadies her throughout the whole process, and as soon as it’s over, Shelby feels violated for some reason. The look that the priest and her parents reserve her makes her want to run away, as away as she can, all the way to Minnesota.
Once she’s alone in her room, she describes everything to Toni, as they’re used to by now, at the end of every day.
“ You need to keep it a secret then, Shelby. ”
“Keep what a secret?”
“ The fact that you can hear me. ”
“Are you keeping it a secret too?”
“ To everyone but Martha. ”
Shelby knows who Martha is. She’s Toni’s best friend, and lately, every time she hears the name, Shelby feels a bit sick. She wishes she could see Toni like Martha can. Spend time with her, play with her, give a face to the voice. And every time Toni feels it, and tells her that she’d be great friends with Martha, as they’re quite alike. So Shelby’s jealousy turns into something else, and she gets curious to meet Martha too, one day.
“ I’ll ask the Blackburns to come to Texas this summer, perhaps. ” Toni tells her, and it’s the first time they promise each other that.
Except that summer they don’t see each other, as Shelby needs to keep it a secret, and the Blackburns can’t bring Toni with her, as her foster parents forbid it. That’s when Shelby learns what foster parents are, and she wishes Toni could just live with her.
vii.
Shelby is ten, the first time that she recognizes where her random pain comes from.
That evening Toni tells her how she got in a fight, and broke her elbow, and Shelby tells her that she’s been feeling pain there ever since lunch break.
“ I’ll try being a little more careful, then. ”
viii.
Shelby is thirteen, it’s the last day of middle school, and someone from her class is organizing a party. She asks her parents if she can sleep over at Becca’s and they unexpectedly agree.
Shelby has never had alcohol before, never smoked, never even attended a party. Just for the occasion, as it’s the first time she sleeps out, her parents buy her a phone. It’s one of those who have to be flipped over, have little keys organized like a computer keyboard, and has to be kept horizontally. Shelby got to pick the colour, and she asked for the pink one. She puts all the stickers she got from her diary as soon as she has it through her hands, and while she applies them with all the precision of a bomb disposal expert, she tells Toni all about it.
“ Pink? Everyone’s gonna make fun of you, Shelbs. ”
“No, I swear it’s very pretty. Do you have a phone, Toni?”
“ What would I need it for? ”
Shelby has known Toni enough to recognize how she masks her true thoughts under fake ones, and Shelby recognizes a hint of shame in Toni’s feelings. She doesn’t investigate further, as she only goes as far as guessing that it has something to do with a phone’s price.
“If you had one, I could send you a photo of my phone, so you’d see how pretty it is.”
“ With whose phone? ”
Shelby has learned how Toni is extremely smart and intuitive, and has a quick brain. She learned how she plays basketball at the park, ever since Bernice got her a basketball ball, two years ago, and she plans on joining a team next year. She also knows how she hardly ever studies, and how she’d rather spend all her time playing. Shelby always feels warmth in her chest when she reminds Toni to do her homework for the next day, and she listens to her.
“Anyways. Have you ever been to a party?”
“ Uh, sort of. I crashed at one with Marty because she wanted to meet this guy. We were kicked out minutes later. Looked too young to be there. ”
Shelby smiles to herself, as she keeps applying the stickers.
That night she finds out she doesn’t really mind parties, but she doesn’t like the pumping music, the sweaty smell and the burning feeling drinks leave in her throat.
“ So no, you don’t like parties. ” Toni comments, and it makes Shelby’s night.
ix.
Shelby meets Andrew in the hallways, the second week of high school. She doesn’t like him, but he’s the son of a friend of her dad’s, so she plays nice. And he thinks she must be flirting with him or something, because he invites her on a date.
“ Please tell me you’re not going. He’s a douchebag even in your malice-free head. ”
Shelby is still talking to him, and she doesn’t really like Toni’s interjection. They have a policy for timing, so that one won’t pop up in the other’s head while taking a test or while being scolded by their parents. This feels a bit like crossing the line, as Shelby is in the middle of a conversation, and just out of spite, she accepts Andrew’s date.
Right as she does, she feels a pang of annoyance, and she recognizes it as Toni’s. For some reason, Shelby feels delighted by it, because it means that she made her point come across.
That night they don’t talk to each other, in Shelby’s head.
x.
The date with Andrew is awful.
He brought her to this fast food place, on the corner of the street, for dinner. He keeps talking about how he made it to the football team, how he plans on getting a football scholarship for college, and how he’d like to be a football player, when he grows up. It’s boring, and Shelby doesn’t know what to answer, so she just nods and smiles, letting him do all the talking. It’s only been a couple of days, but she misses Toni. Both of them are quite stubborn, as Shelby got to learn, and they still haven’t made up for their little fight, if it even was one.
“ It wasn’t a fight. ”
“So you’re still there.”
“ You’re in the middle of a conversation. Shouldn’t you focus? ”
Shelby distinctively recognizes how Toni is coming back at her with her own pretext. She keeps a straight face, eyes unfocused in Andrew’s gaze, as she answers Toni.
“I’m really not missing a thing.”
“ Told you so. ”
“Told me what?”
“ You’d be wasting your time with him. ”
“Who should I date, then?”
There’s silence, and as they grew older, both Shelby and Toni managed to control which thoughts to hold for themselves and which to share, if the past few days’ radio silence is any indicator. Perhaps it’s when they’re the least tense, most relaxed, that they lose their control over them — hence why Toni stepped in her recent judgments over Andrew’s football talk, that night.
“ It’s not a duty to date someone. Better off alone. ”
They keep talking like that, their not-fight slipping past both of them, until Andrew brings Shelby back home and they quickly kiss goodbye on Shelby’s porch.
During the kiss Shelby feels a hint of disgust, and she wishes she wasn’t so able to read whose emotions were hers and whose Toni’s, because she can feel that the disgust comes from both of them.
Once in Shelby’s room, she prompts: “We should make some more rules.”
“ What rules? ”
“We should ask permission. To eavesdrop, to interject. Ask if the other one is busy, always.”
There’s a pause, and then: “ Fine by me. ”
Shelby nods to herself. She really doesn’t want to risk not speaking with Toni again.
“ Getting soft on me? ”
“I told you you can’t eavesdrop!”
xi.
Shelby keeps dating Andrew, for her image’s sake. He’s kind, if she turns a blind eye on his ethics.
“ Which are like the fundament to finding your own person. ”
“It’s not like I’m getting married, Toni.”
“ You might as well be, in your parents’ eyes. ”
Shelby ignores her, and keeps walking in the hallways toward her lockers. Many months passed, as the end of their first year of high school approaches, and Shelby can tell something has kept Toni on her toes.
“What is it?”
“ What is what? ”
“You’ve been excited for something for days now. Will you talk to me?”
There’s hesitation, and then, “ Tonight, perhaps. ”
Tonight comes, and Toni tells her how she got to play in that Sunday’s game instead of staying on the bench, but Shelby still feels as if she’s holding back. Nonetheless, she doesn’t push it.
xii.
Shelby finds out in the worst way possible. It’s a moan, that distinctively echoes in her own mind, but it’s not hers, as she’s reading a novel in bed.
“Toni?” She tentatively asks, not sure if she should. She’s pretty sure Toni wouldn’t like her privacy to be violated like that, so Shelby still asks her. She feels Toni’s sharp embarrassment, and then that is shut too — in a very protective and Toni-esque manner.
There’s a pause, a long one, that makes Shelby think she imagined it. But as years went on, it felt as if Shelby had separate rooms in her mind, and could pinpoint with enough precision where thoughts came from. And that didn’t come from imagination, as the chapter she was reading was very pg-7.
“ I’m sorry you heard that. I didn’t mean for you to. ”
Shelby is surprised, so surprised that she dog-ears the page and closes the book on her legs.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I, uh-” Shelby doesn’t know how to say this, because she has no context at all, and she doesn’t even know if Toni is alone or not, so she just settles for: “I’m sorry you’re stuck in this situation.”
Shelby feels disappointment, for some reason, and then Toni’s last words for the night: “ Don’t be silly. ”
xiii.
Shelby doesn’t mean to, but it’s been days and the moan literally lasted a second, but it keeps replaying at random times in her head. She knows she’s the one replaying it, but Toni has to have access to it, because every time it’s followed by a dull sense of shame and regret.
It’s the nth time, Shelby’s eyes close shut in the middle of a math lesson, when Toni brings it up. “ You really enjoyed that, huh. ”
“It just took me by surprise.” But it doesn’t feel like an explanation, so Shelby adds, just for the sake of it: “Never heard it before.”
She feels Toni’s surprise. “ Really? Never watched porn? Did stuff with Andry? ”
It always makes Shelby laugh how Toni started calling Andrew like that, as if they were best buds, despite Toni’s clear distaste for the guy. And Shelby has a hard time keeping a straight face in class too, upon the mention.
“Nuh-uh. None of those things. I’m a good kid.”
“ You’re fifteen. ”
“So?”
“ Uh, libido? Hormones? You’re so weird, Shelby. ”
Shelby has had thoughts of those kinds, but she’s always been taught not to dwell on them, so a proper wet dream never developed in her. It happened to her to think of Becca like that, once or twice, as she casted the thought aside. And from Toni’s incident, it’s happened with Toni too, despite having never seen her face.
“ Yeah, no that’s weird. I’m flattered though. ”
“Was I thinking out loud?”
“ How did you come up with that? ”
“I’m just that smart.”
Shelby thinks Toni is gone doing something, perhaps attending a lesson of her own, when later she hears Toni thinking: “ If you so desperately want a photo of me I can buy a phone, you know, just for the occasion. ”
“Would you, really?”
“ Of course not, you perv. ”
“Not for that. Also, it took you too long to think of it, so you weren’t joking.”
“ Just leave me alone. ”
xiv.
It’s summer break, and Shelby has gone camping with her family, Becca’s and Andrew’s. Shelby and Becca are in a separate tent, as Andrew is in one with his brothers, because God forbids copulation before marriage.
“ Hah, ‘copulation’. ”
“Never heard of the word before?”
“ Like in grammar. ”
“You’re so smart.”
“ Make fun all you want. At least I don’t want to kiss my best friend who’s so clearly straight. ”
“What are you suggesting?”
“ Exactly what I said. ”
Shelby has no idea where that comes from, as she’s been very discreet with her thoughts before, so she asks: “What would you know about that?”
“ You’re on your toes, she’s very close, and you keep making compliments to her in your head. I bet she smells very nicely, I don’t need to fucking know thank you very much. ”
Shelby can feel Toni’s mixed feelings, and she has no idea how to sort them out. So she goes for a tentative: “Are you mad?”
“ Nah, I’m not. I just don’t get why you’re so conflicted about it. It’s not like you actually believe liking girls is a sin, do you? ”
“Well, it’s not something to think about. If you’re Christian you have to take the whole package.”
“ That’s bullshit, right there. You can believe in god and be even less contradictory loving everyone, homos too. ”
“Believing same-sex attraction is a sin and ‘loving homos’ don’t mutually exclude each other, Toni.”
There’s a pause, and Toni always has this dramatic effect she likes to keep, as Shelby learned by now. But it’s seconds, before she answers: “ I’ve been dating for a few months. A woman. Her name is Regan. ”
Shelby doesn’t really know how to react to it. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“ Because it’s not a fucking sin. ”
“Toni, I’m happy for your relationship, but you’re not the one who decides what is a sin and what is not. You’re not even religious.”
Toni doesn’t answer, and that’s when they go through their second fight.
xv.
Shelby tries reaching out at Toni, and Toni isn’t one to let any battles down, so they always get into those passive-aggressive bickering that only worsen their situation.
It’s the start of their second year of high school, when Shelby tries a different approach. Not an apology, not a lecture, not an offering of an olive branch. She guesses Toni needs validation, or something like that, so Shelby asks her: “How are things going between you and Regan?”
“ So you can say I told you so? It’s going well, thanks. ”
“Uh, that’s good. What are your plans for tonight?”
“ Are you trying to small-talk? ”
“I’m trying to make amends.”
“ Why. ”
“Because you’re my friend? Gosh, Toni, we’ve talked for fifteen years. I can’t waste it over one argument.”
“It’s not one argument. You told me I’m a sinner, Shelby.”
“Then what? I’m a sinner too, everyone else is, what’s the big deal?”
“You don’t get it.”
Shelby thinks that’s the failing end of yet another attempt at restoring their friendship, when Toni adds: “ Just like I don’t get why you still follow a religion that condemns yourself too. You like Becca, don’t you? That means you like women. How can you be okay with their teachings over your own life? ”
“I don’t like-like Becca. And I don’t- I don’t like women. I can like men. And I follow the Lord’s teachings because I’m not pretentious enough to think I know better than Him.”
“ You’re in such denial, Shelby, but tell yourself whatever helps you sleep at night. It just sounds so fucking stupid to me that you’d waste your chance at happiness over some arbitrary rules men made thousands of years ago over a concept that might not even exist. ”
The tone is aggressive just like it always is when talking to Toni about those kinds of things, but the feelings that accompany it isn’t one of defensiveness, but rather one of concern. As if Toni actually cared for Shelby’s happiness. And thanks to that, they slowly shift back to talking again.
xvi.
It’s in the middle of their third year, a night shortly after their winter break, when Shelby hears it again. She expected it to be sooner, considering Toni’s temper and, well, the way she talks about women. She expected it to be sooner because they can’t really gatekeep their thoughts or feelings over a certain extent, so that strong emotions or sudden thoughts always slip past to the other’s mind. But it only happened once, so Shelby thought that perhaps Toni spent all that time holding back.
But it’s quick, it’s short, and it’s over as soon as it starts, when Shelby is watching a movie in Andrew’s bedroom, moving his hands on the mattress while they keep wandering towards her legs, when she hears it.
“ Fuck, don’t stop. ”
And Shelby doesn’t mean to snoop in this time, as embarrassing as the first time was. And since it never happened before, Shelby felt so damn guilty over it, because she’s quite sure she blocked Toni from, well, whatever it is that she was doing that one time, from happening ever again.
So Shelby tries to keep her emotions at bay, her surprise and her something else, mounting from the pit of her stomach, eyes glued to the tv, Andrew’s clumsy hand yet another time on her tight.
“ I think I’m- ”
Shelby doesn’t need to have watched porn, to understand what was going on. She pictures it, even if she didn’t mean to, too caught up in the reverb of Toni’s raspy voice in her own mind, and how Toni's feelings are bouncing on the walls of Shelby's minds, as if she was experiencing what Toni was, but from a distance. Toni was probably playing the words she was muttering in her own mind, so she had to be with someone, in order for that to make sense. She was probably with the girl she told Shelby about, with Regan, and they were probably-
A sort of cry, stifled, muffled, restrained , as if it made any sense trying to hold back while reaching that point. As if Toni was afraid Shelby could hear that, but no, Shelby wasn’t that self-centered to think Toni would think of her during sex.
« So… can I? » Andrew asks her, and Shelby blinks, looking down, his fingers brushing on the button of her jeans.
She takes his hands and puts it back in place, feeling so mad , for some reason.
To give up her chance of happiness.
xvii.
“Did you have fun, last night?”
Shelby doesn’t mean to sound so bitter, as if she still was eleven years old. But she does, and it makes no sense to her.
There’s a long pause, but Shelby is sure Toni is already awake, as it’s a little earlier than eight, and she’s walking to school.
“ Did you…? ”
Shelby scoffs out loud, and people must think she’s crazy, but she doesn’t give a fuck. “You were quite loud.”
She feels Toni being torn. And she guesses what her two options might be: being sorry, or-
“ If I had been with a guy you wouldn’t be so upset now, would you? ”
Shelby takes a deep breath, because the thought didn’t even cross her mind. Before she can answer, Toni is back at it again: “ Or perhaps I should wait until marriage, like you’re doing with Andrew? You need to get that stick out of your ass and get laid, Shelby. ”
That was uncalled for, and it only fuels Shelby’s anger more. Anger and that something else , that kind of frustration, something she wishes she didn’t have at all or she could dwell on with no reservations.
The idea that Toni is stuck with her and can’t afford any privacy crosses Shelby’s mind again, and she voices it, because that truly is what it is. Shelby can’t really tell her what to do, but if reaching it entails involving Shelby, to an extent, there’s not much she can do about it.
“Perhaps there’s a way to get me out of your head, if you want me gone so badly.”
“ Don’t play defensive. You’re literally the one who brought it up. ”
“Still.”
“ You’re so fucking childish. ”
“You do wish I wasn’t there though, don’t you?”
“ What do you want me to tell you Shelby? Are you looking for reassurance or for a free pass for another exorcism? You’re the one who wants me gone, if anything, to go back and destroy your own life with the excuse of religion. ”
That’s not how it works, Toni has it upside down. Sins destroy life, religion saves it. But Toni’s moans from last night still echo in Shelby’s mind, and she can’t help but agree. She does wish, at that moment, that they weren’t bonded to each other.
xviii.
She kisses Becca. It’s over as soon as it starts, but it’s everything that Andrew has never been. She kisses her, and things go south. Becca tells her parents, her parents tell Shelby’s, they fight, Shelby tells her horrible, horrible things, and Becca commits suicide.
That’s what sinning brings. Shelby wishes she never listened to Toni.
But it’s Toni, and Toni alone, the one who tries to soothe the pain for her.
“ It was out of your power. ”
and
“ Becca told her parents, knowing your situation. Not to blame her, rest in peace. ”
or
“ It’s not on the same-sex stuff. Is on the context the both of you lived in, or every homosexual would be dead by now. ”
Those are little things, silly things, really, that despite having their logic, fall flat on Shelby’s ear. But what does help her, is how Toni suggests movie nights, and game nights, and how they start spending so much time together, in Shelby’s head.
And thanks to Toni, Shelby thinks that perhaps Becca’s death wasn’t entirely on her.
“ She had her own issues, and no one helped her. Not her parents, not yours, not the church — not even god. It’s not your fault, Shelby. And if heaven does exist, Becca’s sure in it right now. That’s the least the big guy up here could do for her. ”
xix.
Shelby learns that Toni and Regan broke up with a heart-tearing kind of pain. Such a desperation she didn’t feel since the Becca accident, as almost a whole year passed, and they're in the middle of their fourth year of high school.
“Toni, what’s wrong?”
Shelby hears random words echoing in Toni’s mind, and because of that, in Shelby’s mind too. Words like « birch bark ».
It’s not until later that night when Toni explains it.
“ I guess I’m just not made for relationships. ”
“Don’t say that. She was your first. There’s plenty of fishes in the sea.”
Shelby knows it sounds a bit too cliché, but she can’t think of anything else.
“ Shelby, I loved her. ”
Shelby keeps thinking about it, after that. Secretly, quietly, in the farthest chambers of her mind. Loved. She didn’t know much about their dynamic, as Toni was a private person, but Shelby couldn’t help but think how it was Regan’s loss. How she hurt Toni.
And how it might feel to be loved by her.
xx.
“ Pageants? How come you never told me? ”
“Thought you’d think of it as something stupid.”
“ I do think it’s stupid. But it’s impressive that you made it amongst the stupid, so good job I guess. ” and “ What’s your talent? ”
“I sing.”
“ Can you sing? Like, in your head? ”
“I don’t think it’s the same thing.”
“ I might need to come to Texas to hear you, then. ”
And that’s the second time meeting is mentioned.
xxi.
Shelby breaks up with Andrew too, eventually, once she finds out he’s cheating first hand.
“ I’m sorry. ”
“Except you aren’t.”
“ No, I really am not. ”
“Well, you know what? Neither am I.”
“ That’s my girl. ”
xxii.
They graduate from high school, and Shelby learns that Toni got a basketball scholarship, while Shelby is going to study economic management.
“ Sounds boring as fuck. ”
“I’ll take over my dad’s business.”
“ Isn’t that reserved for boys? ”
“We’re not that closed-minded. It’s for the firstborn.”
“ Do you want to take your dad’s business? ”
“If I don’t, my siblings will have to.”
She feels a warmth in her chest, that she knows isn’t hers. “ Always the good person. ”
xxiii.
“ I’ve been working part-time for some time now, so I saved up a bit. We can actually meet, if you want to. ”
“I’d love to.”
xxiv.
“So, this is my number. I’m gonna read it. Do you have your phone nearby?”
“ Yeah yeah, dictate away. ”
As soon as Shelby does, she gets a text from Toni, which is a sticker of a man with three different pairs of sunglasses making finger guns at the camera.
“Is this you?”
“ Who else could it be? ”
“I’ll text you my address now.”
“How come we never texted before?”
“Communication is the only problem we don’t have.”
“You’re right. Smart and beautiful, a deadly combo.”
“As if you ever saw me.”
“Profile pic Shelbs.”
Shelby feels her heart skipping a bit, as she zooms in Toni’s. There’s a girl with curly hair and sharp cheekbones jumping with a basketball ball at the points of her toes, ready to score her point.
It takes her a moment to register Toni’s comment. “So you think I’m beautiful, huh?”
“ It’s hard to tell under all those layers of make-up, actually. ”
xxv.
Shelby expects to see a car parking, or Toni walking with the exact same sweatshirt she wears in her profile pic, a few days later, when Toni is expected to come. It’s silly, but she doesn’t really think about it, looking at the campus’ courtyard from her dorm room window.
But it’s a bus the vehicle Toni gets off from, and she’s wearing a hoodie and a pair of jeans. Shelby feels her heart racing, for some reason, and even from that distance, she sees Toni’s gaze searching for her, while thinking “ Calm down, it’s not like I’m coming to murder you. ”
“Uh, sorry. I’m coming to get you. Besides, I can tell you’re as excited as I am, don’t play cool with me.”
“Whatever you say, Shelbs.”
Shelby climbs down the stairs as fast as she ever did, and she miraculously doesn’t trip on her own feet.
But then she’s in front of Toni, who has her hands in her pockets, is swinging on her feet, and looks as tense as ever.
Shelby knows she’s smiling too much, her cheeks are hurting, and the first thing she says is: « Don’t be a stranger, Toni, come here. » and with that, she’s hugging her.
It’s like ping pong, how her own emotions bounce on Toni, and Toni’s on herself, and her own bouncing bounced back on her, and so on. It almost gives her a headache, and it’s such an experience, that Shelby buries her nose in Toni’s neck for a little too long.
When they break their hug, Shelby feels like crying, for some reason. Because no, Toni is no voice in her head, is no toy, no cartoon character, no devilish spirit she has to get rid of through an exorcism, no hallucination.
She’s a real flesh and bone person, whom she’s known for all of her life, whom she’s shared all her secrets with, and-
“ Don’t get too sappy now, Shelby. ”
Shelby rolls her eyes, because of course she thought that out loud.
« You can talk, you know. »
« It’s just weird to talk to you. » And that’s the first time Shelby hears Toni’s actual voice, how her vocal cords shape it, and not just the resemblance Toni makes of it in her own head. And Shelby feels weak on her knees for how it sounds.
xxvi.
Toni is staying over for the weekend, and even if she’s not supposed to, she’s crushing in Shelby’s dorm, as her roommate is out for the weekend herself.
It’s just two days, and Shelby feels as if it’s already over, even if just one afternoon has passed, where Toni tried to teach her how to shoot a three-pointer.
Now they’re in Shelby’s room, deciding on what to order for dinner, Toni on the desk chair, swinging on it, and Shelby with her legs tucked under her, on her own bed.
« I can start a sentence- » “ And finish it like that- ” « And start again- »
« You’re giving me a headache. » Shelby stops her, as she throws her one of the flyers.
« On a real note though. If there was a way to get rid of this… thing, I mean, it wouldn’t be so bad. » Toni starts, still swinging on the spot.
« Geez, tell me what you think, Toni. »
« No, I mean, I’m glad we got it because we met each other, but now we can meet in person and text and call. Thoughts are a bit intrusive, don’t you think? »
Shelby doesn’t know why, but she feels a little disappointed in it. Perhaps because she can’t help but associate the kind of privacy Toni wants with sexual stuff, and for some reason, it makes her feel uneasy.
« That’s because you’re jealous. »
Shelby almost jumps on the spot, as she throws a pillow at Toni. « Let me finish a coherent thought, thank you very much. »
« See? It’s frustrating. Also, it wasn’t just for ‘sexual stuff’. And even if it was, don’t you want to have it too, now that you’re away from home? »
« Have what? »
« Sex. »
Shelby shakes her head a little, « You’re such a simple being. I wonder if you’re a woman at all, sometimes. »
« What the hell is that supposed to mean? »
« I’m not gonna explain it to you, since you want your privacy. You can have it. »
It’s silly and childish, but Shelby even crosses her arms.
Toni just laughs, taking that as a joke, and Shelby decides she likes the sound. She never heard Toni laugh before.
xxvii.
There’s a way they can stop hearing each other’s thoughts.
“ There is? ”
« Geez, Toni, weren’t you sleeping? »
It’s the next morning, and they only have one day before Toni needs to take the train back home. Toni’s request had been gnawing at the back of Shelby’s mind all night, so that she’s been researching it all morning.
When she finally finds it Toni wakes up, and is by her side in a moment.
« Well, it might be made up, but here it says something about soulmates. »
« What’s the source? »
« It’s called ao3. »
« It’s not a source. »
« You know of it? »
« Let’s just say it is made up. A hundred percent. »
« Well, what if it isn’t? »
« What did you find? »
« Well, there are many species- »
Shelby sees Toni rolling her eyes, and she feels Toni’s embarrassment, for some reason.
« -and well sometimes it’s the first time they touch, sometimes it’s the first time they see each other- »
« It’s the kiss, isn’t it? »
« How come you know of this site? »
« You really don’t want to know it. Let me brush my teeth, if you really wanna do this. »
xxviii.
It’s soft and sweet, and much like the embrace, Shelby feels everything amplified.
“How was it?” she thinks, just as they break apart, lips a bit swollen, lucid eyes, a slight panting on both of them. They took it a bit further than necessary, but Toni is a good kisser, to her credit.
Shelby hopes she didn’t think that out loud.
Except, no reply comes.
« Toni? »
She sees Toni blinking, « Did it work? »
And it’s not a rational answer, but the first thing that comes to Shelby’s mind is pulling Toni back in for another kiss. And for another one. And one after that.
xxix.
« We got lazy, just thinking and hearing without permission. » Shelby points out, later that day.
« What do you mean? »
She’s running her fingers through Toni’s hair, as she’s reading, and Toni is scrolling through her phone, both of them laying on Shelby’s bed.
« You need to talk to me, from now on. Like, frequently. Nightly calls, some daily texts between classes. It doesn’t need to feel like a duty, but if you feel like telling me something, do it. »
« Likewise, Shelbs. »
« So, how did you know that site? And if you knew how to solve it, how come you didn’t suggest it? »
Toni huffs, sighs, locks her phone and turns on her stomach, accidentally — or not — snuggling in Shelby’s figure in the process. Shelby files the interrogation for another time.
xxx.
When they depart, Shelby kisses her one last time.
She can tell Toni didn’t expect it, and she’d pay good money to know what she’s thinking about right now. But between having the chance of kissing her and reading her thoughts, Shelby is torn. Because things still feel amplified, while touching her, as if their connection wasn’t lost, but shifted from one place to another.
« So, you get to kiss me every time you want? » Toni asks her.
« Only if I have your consent. »
Toni doesn’t immediately answer, just looks at her as if being lost, and Shelby immediately thinks she screwed up.
« I have your consent, right? » She makes sure.
Toni nods, and pulls Shelby in for another kiss.
And Shelby knows that this one is her chance at happiness.