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BABY’S TIMEOUT
Hello, again! It’s me. Baby. I couldn’t help noticing that a lot of you seem to think my life is all racing back and forth across this land, hauling two cute guys, a trunk full of weapons, a box of old cassettes and a funky green cooler. Well let me tell you! It’s not all tuneups and squealing tires!
Like the year Sam was in hell, or so we thought. I was stuck in the garage, but at least I had company now and then. Lisa and Ben would come in looking for something, and Dean would check on me once in a while.
The absolute WORST was when those Leviathan douches were wearing my boys’ faces and driving around in a fake me causing mayhem! For the last few months of 2011 and the first few months of 2012, I was on what Dean called “lockdown.”
I called it being bored out of my engine block! Stuck in a drafty, deserted old barn all by myself. I have to admit, my mind did wander a bit ...
Well, I guess these excerpts should give you some idea of how I passed the time.
But don’t judge me!
DAY 1
Dean has parked me in an abandoned barn somewhere in the middle of South Dakota. As he’s packing all the weapons from my trunk into bags, he keeps cussing and apologizing to me.
“I’m so sorry, Baby! You know I love ya, but this is for your own good. As soon as we gank those motherfucking Leviathans, I’ll be back for you! I swear!”
Then, through the open doors, I see Sam pull up in some mud-colored piece of crap. Son of a bitch! They’re leaving me here!
Dean pulls out the green cooler, closes the doors and locks me up. As he and Sam cover me with a tarp, I get a last glimpse of my boys for what may be a long time. I hear them pack their stuff in that little junker and they drive off.
And now I wait…
DAY 2
Phhhfffttt….plbbbbttt...click, click...ppphhhffftt…
DAY 10
Tried playing a game in my head, but I forgot how the horsies move. So I just had them trample the little thingies, storm the castles and behead the King and Queen!
Sam was right, chess IS fun!
DAY 16
“Baby you can drive my car..*bump, bang*..Yes I’m gonna be a star..*bang, bump*...Baby you can drive my car, and maybe I’ll love you…*beep, beep’m beep beep* Yeah!”
DAY 22
Bored, bored, bored, boring, bored, bored, boring...BORED!
DAY 28
A couple of raccoons have broken into the barn. They’re cute! Maybe I will adopt them…
DAY 29
MY GOD! Have you ever seen what raccoons will eat? It’s disgusting! And I thought Dean was bad.
DAY 34
“I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you. I know you were right believing for so long. I’m all out of love, what am I without you. I can’t be too late to say that I was so wrong….ooooo….”
Why is that song stuck in my head?
DAY 39
If a werewolf bites a vampire, does it become a werepire? Or a vampwolf?
DAY 45
I thought at first it was raining in here, but I realized it was just bats in the rafters pooping on my tarp.
Now it’s a party! *sigh*
DAY 49
I miss Coleman. That green cooler was chill and had some really deep thoughts sometimes...
DAY 53
“99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall…”
DAY 55
“1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer. Take it down, pass it around, no bottles of beer on the wall!”
…………….
“99 bottles of beer on the wall…”
DAY 67
I wonder what I’d look like as a blond? Or...oh!..a redhead! Candy Apple red...yeah….
DAY 80
The raccoons had two babies! They are so cute! I think I will call them Dean and Sam and I shall love them and squeeze them...
DAY 99
Ooooooommmmm. Oooooooommmmm. Oooooooooommmm.
DAY 106
“You put your right tire in, you put your right tire out, you put your right tire in and you burn it all out….”
DAY 111
I think the baby raccoons are playing in my left rear wheel well. It tickles!
DAY 123
Who would play me in a movie? Angelina Jolie or Julia Roberts? Or maybe Meryl Streep!
DAY 127
OK. Keep it together! Try…. listing the names of the girls who have been in my back seat….
Susan, Angie, Jennie, Polly, Valerie, Mell, Tammy, Karen, Piper….
(Several hours later)
….Shelly, Candi with an I, Cassie, Anna, Pam, Silvia...
DAY 134
“Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night, I can see paradise by the dashboard light…”
DAY 138
Life. Don’t get me started..
DAY 142
If Swayze always gets a pass, does that include “To Wong Foo” too?
Towongfootoo, Towongfootoo. Towongfootoo….hehehe…
DAY 151
“Baby, Baby, Bo-aby, bo-na-na fanna . Fo-faby fee fi mo-maby, BABY!
Sammy, Sammy, bo-na-na fanna. Fo-fammy fee fi mo-mammy, SAMMY!
Dean, Dean, bo-bean bo-na-na fanna fee fi mo-mean, DEAN!”
DAY 163
Why IS it that I drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? And why do shipments go by car and cargo goes by ships? Dean is right, people are crazy.
DAY 176
I’m your huckleberry…
LAST DAY
“Daisy, Daisy, give me your heart to do. I’m half crazy, hopeful in love with…”
WAIT! What is that? Out of nowhere, I hear Dean’s voice! And he’s talking to someone...about dicks and baseball? And a plan? Oh, God, I’m finally losing it.
“Well, according to Crowley, Dick knows we’re coming, So, we’re gonna announce ourselves...Big.”
Crowley? What’s that bastard got to do with anything?
Suddenly, my tarp is whisked off. It IS Dean! And...Cas? What’s with Cas? The dude looks out of it.
On the ride out, I listen as Dean explains their plan. Dean is as intense as ever, but Cas sounds stoned. As they talk, l discover I’m going to be part of the diversion.
Peachy! That always goes well.
NEXT MORNING
As everyone prepares for their part in the upcoming venture, Dean hands my keys to Meg. Meg! That bitch! And now she’s apparently on OUR side? What the hell has been happening while I’ve been gone?! These boys got some ‘splaining to do.
As we approach Sucrocorp headquarters, Meg cranks up the music and punches the gas.
“Get your motor running, head out on the highway. Lookin’ for adventure, in whatever comes our way..”
Ah! This is more like it! It’s good to be back.
Next thing I know, we’re flying through a security gate and heading for...oh, shit.
No! No! No! Turn! Turn the fucking wheel, you bitch! Goddamn it.
“Fire all your guns at once and explode into space…”
*******CRASH*******
Great! Right into the sign out front. Fucking demon!
I should have stayed in the barn.