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Apollo was 11 when he started to think that something might be wrong with him. All of his fellow male classmates seemed to be in a constant state of swooning or talking about their fellow female counterparts and Apollo just...didn't get it. The girls were nice enough he supposed, but that was as far as his interest went.
Which made Valentine's Day particularly annoying. He would give his gifts out of obligation, but every year, a girl in his class was determined to misinterpret it as something more. And every year he had to feel guilty as he turned down their advances and dealt with angry and jealous classmates.
"C'mon, Apollo, how come you never wanna talk about the pretty girls?" A kid named Jack had asked him. "Are you actually gay or something?"
Was he? That would mean he liked boys instead, right? But well...he didn't really care about any of the ones he knew like that. He shrugged, "Just not my type, I guess." And it rang true enough. But then...if no one he knew was his type..then who was?
He met Clay in his 2nd year of junior high. A friendly, lanky boy with wild hair and dreams of the stars who refused to be deterred by Apollo's prickliness. He was...annoying.
"Apollo, come hang out with me today!" The other boy asked, like he did every day. Almost like clockwork. Apollo didn't understand why he was so determined. Why would he wanna hang out with him anyway? And one day he got fed up enough to actually ask.
"Huh?" Clay cocked his head. "You're all cool and mysterious. I wanna be your friend."
Cool...? He'd never been called that before, and it sparked something warm in his chest. And the way he was so earnest about it almost pissed him off. He almost refused...
"Fine." The grin he got in return was blinding.
They became practically attached at the hip after that, Clay always slinging an arm over his shoulders as they walked home. Apollo found himself spending more time at Clay's house than at his own. He was the closest thing Apollo could call a best friend. But was he Clay's? Or was this all just done out of pity?
"If you had to consider anyone your best friend, who would it be?" he asked one night in the next futon over. Clay gave him a look that Apollo could only describe as offended.
"Are you joking?" he asked flatly. "Obviously, it's you Apollo, who else would it be?"
Apollo should've seen that answer coming. Objectively, he knew it, but...his eyes welled up at how earnest it was.
"Oh shit, are you crying?" Clay scooted towards him.
He shook his head, and said in a choked tone, "No."
Clay hugged him and politely didn't call him out on that lie. Apollo had never been a hugger, but it was...nice.
He was 15 when he thought that he might actually be gay, after all. When he learned about Phoenix Wright. When he decided he wanted to be just like him.
"If you like him so much, you should just marry him," Clay teased. Apollo wrinkled his nose. Marry-? It was just admiration, was all. He liked how serious the attorney was when he found something out, how his eyes darkened and how the blue suit made a statement and made his shoulders look so nice and broad.
After a fateful encounter one night with his hand and an overactive imagination, he thought maybe Clay was onto something.
"I think I might be gay," he announced out of the blue at lunch, and then immediately wishing he didn't. Clay was his best, and arguably, only true friend. Would this revelation change things? It was 2019, but people were still so closed-minded. But Clay was the one who got him on this train of thought in the first place, so he was probably fine with it, right? But he still wasn't saying anything, just staring at him intensely. Oh, god..
"Me too," Clay said quietly. Wait...
"Really?" he asked in disbelief. Clay went silent and then did something Apollo had never seen him do before. He blushed.
"Yeah."
Well that was...anticlimactic. Convenient, even.
"How did you know?" he asked curiously. And how long has he known?
Clay stared at him again, those large, dark eyes too intense for Apollo to look at directly. "I just knew."
For someone who was normally an open book, that was a frustratingly vague answer. He felt like he was missing something.
Nothing about their relationship changed after that. Clay was still just as touchy, Apollo still felt that sense of warmth every time he was close to him, but it was when Valentine's Day, Apollo's least favorite holiday, approached again, that he discovered another thing about himself.
Jealousy.
It came when he saw a particularly bold classmate try to confess to Clay. An ugly, curling feeling in his chest as he saw Clay smile at the boy like he always did for him. Possessiveness, even. Logically, he knew he was being irrational because he didn't own Clay and if he wanted to spend time with other people, he could. It didn't affect their relationship.
And yet, it didn't stop him from glaring daggers every time he caught them together and for feeling more broody than usual afterwards.
"What's going on with you lately?" Clay asked on their daily walk.
"Nothing," he muttered defensively.
"Uh-huh."
He didn’t know what came over him. "Why are you hanging out with me anyway? Shouldn't you be spending time with your new boyfriend?"
"Boyfri-? Wait, are you talking about Chad?"
Of course his name was Chad. He clenched his jaw, unable to say anything and Clay stopped.
"Apollo? Are you...jealous?"
He froze, caught out. Of course he was! But he didn't even know what he was jealous of. It's not like Clay went anywhere...
"What does that guy have that I don't?" he ended up blurting out anyway.
Clay blinked. "Nothing. That's why I'm not dating him."
Apollo sucked in a breath. Something was still not adding up. "I don't get it."
Clay chuckled, and then he did the thing again. He blushed. "Apollo, I'm not dating Chad because he's not you. Do you get it now?"
"You-" his eyes widened. "You like me."
"I always have," his tone was confident, but the way he averted his eyes and wrung his fingers together said otherwise. He was nervous. And now a lot of things were starting to make sense. Why Apollo always felt so warm and safe around him, why he got so possessive at the thought of losing him. He'd seen enough of Clay's dumb romcoms to know what that meant. In a bold move that he would be embarrassed about later, he grabbed his best friend's hand, warm and solid like the rest of him.
"I like you too."
And just like that very first time he'd agreed to hang out with him 2 years ago, the answering grin he got was blinding.
Nothing really changed after that. Not much, anyway. Clay had always been touchy, so him evolving to holding his hand seemed like a natural conclusion. It was just him and Clay against the world, like always, so he didn’t think too much of it.
But people started treating them...different. Apollo had noticed that Chad didn’t approach Clay anymore, instead choosing to send both of them dirty looks every time they left class, which was weird because it’s not like Apollo did anything to him. It wasn’t his fault Clay didn’t wanna date him.
But Chad was the least of his worries. It was other people suddenly noticing them that made it weird. No one had ever questioned them before, but now it was like every time they so much as talked, he felt like he was under a microscope.
“You guys are super cute together!” A girl named Cara squealed and Clay preened, but Apollo...Apollo just felt squirmy. He didn’t like his relationship being referred to like it was some sort of exhibit at the zoo.
He felt a nudge at his shoulder later that day. “Something on your mind?”
A few things, actually. “Have people always been so...nosy?”
“You mean about us?”
“Yeah.”
He shrugged. “They love romance! They’ll get over it when the next hot couple arrives.”
But he never cared for romance...He really couldn’t have cared less about love stories or who was dating who. But that was a bit contradictory, wasn’t it? Because him and Clay were a love story, weren’t they? It felt a bit weird to think about it like that, but maybe he just needed to get used to the idea.
Sure enough, a new “hot couple” came to the scene only a couple weeks later, which officially meant that Clay and him were old news. It sort of felt like a weight had been lifted.
He heard the sigh from Cara behind him. “Matt and Olivia are so adorable, aren’t they, Apollo?”
He looked towards where the couple in question was and saw them huddled up in a corner...kissing. Really? In public?
“I guess so,” he mumbled. He thought they were being pretty gross, to be perfectly honest, and he was glad him and Clay weren’t like that.
Cara scoffed. “I thought you having a boyfriend now would make you more romantic.”
Excuse him for not finding sucking each other’s faces “romantic”. And why should he care enough to have an opinion over other couples anyway? And what was with that “boyfriend” crap? It sounded so degrading...Clay was so much more than that.
It was only a few days later as they were walking home, Clays arm around him like always, that he said out of the blue, “Y’know, I just realized we haven’t even gone on a date.”
A...date?
Apollo furrowed his brow. “We hang out together all the time.”
Clay laughed. “Going to my house and letting me destroy you at video games isn’t very romantic.”
There was that word again. What did Clay constitute as “romantic”?
He was afraid of the reaction he’d get if he asked that so he went with, “What’d you have in mind?”
“Why don’t you come see a movie with me? At the theater, I mean.”
Apollo didn’t really get how being in a dark, sticky theater surrounded by strangers was more romantic than just sitting at home on Clay’s couch, but he liked Clay and he wanted to be good at this “couple” thing so he agreed.
As always, he was weak to the smile he got in return.
Like all the movies he watched, Clay picked him up in his parents beat up sedan, out of his uniform and dressed in a nice button down with some slacks. He even tamed his hair, which was normally so wild. He looked good. And Apollo did feel a rush of affection knowing he’d done it all for him.
He’d even gone a little further himself with a Henley and some nice jeans, the nicest clothes he had.
He crossed his arms self-consciously, goosebumps forming, as he saw Clay's eyes rove down his body.
Apollo wanted to sink into the floor and it felt like a painfully long time before Clay cleared his throat, offering his hand. “Ready to go?”
He nodded. It felt like he had something stuck in his throat as he loosely held the warm hand. Was that what it felt like to be “checked out”? It was...weird. Made him feel exposed.
….Should he have done it too?
The rest of the night was uneventful. They watched one of those cheesy romcoms Clay liked so much, though this time it had a bit of a different implication behind it. Should they be doing what the characters did in this movie? Did he want that? The visual image of kissing his best friend was a little embarrassing and not something he’d ever really considered.
Clay seemed to be on the same wavelength as he pulled over to the streetside, the dull porch light of the home only barely illuminating them.
“Can I kiss you?” Clay asked shyly from the drivers seat. Apollo thought back to the climactic scene of the movie they’d watched, how the jaded and career-driven woman had been kissed under her porch, how she had the visual image of fireworks and had a new understanding of living. Maybe that could be him…
“Okay,” he breathed.
He heard a hitch of breath and then saw Clay let go of the steering wheel, moving towards him, those dark eyes getting closer and the fight or flight instinct told him to bolt, but he stubbornly didn’t move.
A gentle hand on his cheek, and then he was being kissed. It was...okay. Definitely no fireworks like the movies said, and he didn’t really understand why this was such a big deal. It was just wet and a bit stifling. Not terrible, but not something he’d go out of his way for either.
Clay pulled away, his face unreadable, but he smiled, so that was a good sign, right?
He felt a finger stroke his cheek and then those lips went to his forehead, warm and soft. Apollo was a bit ashamed that this had much more of an effect on him than the one on the lips did. It made him feel good, cherished.
“See you tomorrow?” Clay sounded breathless. Apollo briefly wondered if he had gotten the “fireworks”. And as he was getting ready for bed, he wondered why he didn’t.
He wondered guiltily if Clay had been holding himself back for him. Because ever since their first kiss in the car that night, it was like a dam had broken. Every morning, on their usual walk to school, Clay would sling an arm over his shoulder, but now with the addition of kissing him too. Nothing crazy like that couple from his school, just a quick, fleeting thing before moving on to his usual chatter.
A kiss on the cheek as they parted for their respective classes, and then another one as they met up for lunch. Apollo didn’t mind it, not really, he’d always found Clay’s affections very endearing.
But it felt more like a chore than something he actively wanted. And he wasn’t sure why.
It wasn’t like there was anyone else he’d rather be with, and it wasn’t even like he disliked it, but he never got the urge to kiss Clay the way Clay apparently did for him. He just hoped Clay didn’t notice.
They were doing their usual routine, which consisted of him getting his ass kicked at video games, shoulders brushing, and he gave a shout of outrage as he lost...again.
“Better luck next time,” the bastard winked, knowing damn well he would beat him again.
He pouted. “You cheat, don’t you?”
This would normally be when Clay would just ruffle his hair to rile him up but instead he just gave him that intense look, his eyes fluttering downwards, and he licked his lips. Ahh, so he wanted to kiss.
Maybe if he was the one who initiated, it would mean something. He grabbed the back of Clay’s neck and dragged him down, slamming his lips towards his. He didn’t really know what he was doing, but Clay guided them into something softer, one hand on his waist, and the other gently brushing at his thigh and-Oh. Okay that was nice. He could do with more of that and less of the kissing.
He let out a grunt of approval and Clay broke apart to give him a curious look. Had he somehow been able to hear his thoughts?
“What?” Apollo asked, mildly defensive.
“Nothing,” he said blankly, not entirely looking at him. “Just-” He moved his hand up Apollo’s thigh again, harder this time, and Apollo squirmed as that tingling sensation came back.
Clay smirked, and then brought his hands up to Apollo’s sides which he jumped away from, glaring.
“Stop it, I’m ticklish!” Clay jabbed him this time, chuckling at his misfortune as he yelped. Asshole.
Clay just stared at him, a troubled look, and Apollo wasn’t sure what that meant.
“What’s wrong?”
He looked like he was about to answer, but then averted his eyes. “It’s nothing.”
”Clay… "
He sighed. “I’m just glad you still like me, is all.”
Apollo furrowed his brow. “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I still like you?”
He shrugged. “I dunno. You never really initiate anything so I thought maybe you just weren’t into me.”
Apollo felt like a bucket of ice water dropped on him. Clay did notice because of course he did. And now he just felt like an absolute tool.
“Apollo?” And now he was looking at him all concerned. “Are you okay? You’re not mad at me, are you?”
“No.” and he was telling the truth. Clay didn’t do anything wrong. He was the one with the problem. So he did what he always did when times got hard. “I should get going. It’s getting late.” He ran. And he pretended like he didn't see the disappointment on Clay’s face as he did.
He felt his eyes start to sting as he boarded the bus, but managed to hold it together until he got home and he pressed his face into the pillow, screaming. What was wrong with him?
He liked Clay, he knew he did. So why didn't’ he wanna do the things people usually did when they liked each other? Normally, this would be the moment in the romcom where the lead would realize she liked the other lead instead of her boyfriend. But there was no one else! There never had been!
Maybe...maybe he was broken...It was the only explanation. Clay was perfect and incredible, always had been. Anyone would be lucky to have him. He should be over the moon about Clay even wanting him like that.... So why wasn’t he?
What would Clay do if he were him?
“Google has all the answers,” he’d said once. Well, Apollo had his doubts about that, but it wasn’t like he had any other ideas.
He opened his laptop, typing in the search bar.
Why do I not want to kiss the boy I like?
He scrolled past a couple articles with winning titles like Does your Man have Bad Breath? (obviously not) and Learn How to Kiss with this Exclusive Class (It’s kissing, not rocket science. What is there to learn?) and then his eyes paused on the 3rd headline.
Where do you fall on the Aromantic Spectrum? Take our quiz to find out!
Aromantic…? He was never one for quizzes, but he was desperate...and curious.
His eyes widened at the very first question.
What are your thoughts on romantic displays of affection? (ie kissing, holding hands, etc.)
- You like them
- You’re neutral and don’t have much of an opinion of them
- You’re repulsed and want nothing to do with them.
Maybe...maybe this was what he was looking for. He answered the second one and kept moving, feeling tension from his shoulders lift just a little more with each question. Maybe...maybe he wasn’t broken.
After about 20 minutes, he finally got a result.
While you’re not actively against affection or romantic gestures, you don’t really need them in your life to be complete, so you don’t really think about them. You think of it more as a side bonus to whatever you already have and think of it as something more for your partner’s benefit than your own. This can often cause you to come across as disinterested and may be off putting or frustrating for your partner, so it's in your best interest to communicate clearly what your intentions are from the beginning..
Well, fuck.
Since it was the weekend, Apollo knew he wasn’t gonna see Clay at school. And he didn’t exactly want to stew on this until Monday. Clay deserved the truth. Apollo was just scared of what would happen once he came out with it..which is why he was hovering over the Call button on Clay’s contact.
In the end, he just ended up sending a message like a coward.
Are you busy? <Sent 11:05>
He got a response almost immediately.
No. Why? <11:06>
Can I come over? <11:06>
It took a little longer this time, long enough for Apollo to already plan a trip to Khura’in and never come back.
Always <3 <11:08>
First thing he noted when he got there was that Clay looked tired, like he hadn’t slept very well. Second thing was that Clay looked tense, almost like he knew why he was here.
He offered the usual snacks and drinks before sitting down, Apollo sitting gingerly beside him, tongue tied.
They were in a tense silence, Apollo fiddling with his bracelet while Clay just stared on ahead.
“Get on with it,” Clay said in a flat tone. “You’re here to dump me, right?”
Why would he- “Why would I come all the way over here just to dump you?”
Clay looked taken aback. “I- Yeah, I guess that’s a good point. You could’ve just done that over the phone.” And then he relaxed a bit, but his eyes were still cloudy with concern. “But you’ve got something on your mind, don’t you?”
Yeah. And already off to a great start too if that’s the conclusion he jumped to. He nodded. “Do you remember last year when-” He took a breath. “When I told you that maybe I was gay?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I think I was wrong.”
A beat, and then Clay’s face fell. “So you are dumping me.”
“What?! No!”
“Well, if you’re actually straight then-”
“Ugh, just listen to me!” Apollo cut him off harshly and Clay winced. He slumped a bit, muttering, “God, I’m fucking this up.” Clay looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here, so Apollo grabbed his wrist for good measure, and then in a louder voice, “I’m not straight. I definitely don’t like girls.”
“Okay.”
“But I’m not really sure if I like guys either.”
Clay looked intrigued. “So what do you like then?”
Good question. “I don’t know,” he admitted. He threaded his fingers through Clay’s. “I like you. I like how you make me feel, I like being close to you, but I don’t know if I like like you.” Clay didn’t say anything, so he felt it safe to continue. “What you said yesterday...about me not being into you in that way. I did some research last night…”
“You googled it?” Came the amused question.
He gave a half smile. “Yeah. I took this weird quiz thing and-" Here went nothing. "I think I might be aromantic.”
He expected Clay to ask what that meant, but he got a glimmer of understanding. “So, kinda like asexual? Where you just aren’t really interested in anyone?”
“Yeah, in a sense.”
Clay sat back against the chair, deep in thought. He was taking it well, but Apollo shouldn’t have expected anything less of him.
“So level with me here,” and his eyes darkened. “Have I been making you uncomfortable?”
That’s what he was worried about?
“Not really,” he shrugged, “All the kissing or whatever seemed to make you happy but I was just never really interested one way or another.”
Clay hummed. “Makes sense.”
It was silent again, but much less tense this time, Clay’s hand still warm in his.
“So what do you wanna do?” He asked quietly.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, it’s not like we have to date. We can go back to what we were before.”
Selfishly, Apollo liked having all the attention on him. Feeling wanted. But it’s not like he could keep him tied to him if he didn’t reciprocate. That wouldn’t be fair.
“I like what we’ve been doing.” he admitted with only a small amount of shame. “I just don’t like all the romantic expectations behind it all.”
“Then we don’t have to have them.” Clay shrugged. “You’re my best friend. Best friends can cuddle and hold hands," And then he smirked. "No romo.”
No romo? God, he was lame. But Apollo felt lighter than he has in weeks. He felt the corners of his eyes start to sting, but he didn’t wanna let Clay see him cry, so he just launched himself into his chest.
“You okay?” he heard the rumble of his voice reverberate through his chest.
“Yeah,” he sniffled. “I just really like you.”
He felt the arms tighten around his waist. “Me too. No romo, though, right?”
Apollo rolled his eyes. That lame catchphrase was gonna stick now, wasn’t it?
“Right.”
As long as he had his best friend by his side, he was gonna be just fine.