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Technoblade would never admit it, but he was worried.
After Dream's little argument with his old "friend", XD, he disappeared in a burst of anger and everyone was worried. When he said he was going to look for him, Sam approached him.
"Look..." Sam says, sighing and avoiding looking into his eyes, Techno suspects it's not fear, but guilt and tiredness "He's not doing very well and I'll be honest with you about it"
"The only person who managed to get him out, before this meeting, was Tommy, but he had a kind of panic attack and ... he isolated himself, he can't look Tommy in the eye and we suspect that he remember what happened in exile "
Techno nodded
"I don't know if he is going to talk to you, but I wish I am completely wrong"
So now he was on a beach, the waves crashed against each other and try to reach the sand, to be pulled back and mixed with the ocean. He sighs and takes off his boots, feeling the wet sand and wincing at the texture.
"You know... killing them all by heart attack is becoming a very scary tradition"
What a great start, he thinks
Dream doesn't respond, but he can see him standing in the water.
"Sam is worried about you and I think they are all about to turn this place upside down" he says, and continues when Dream doesn't respond "Tubbo said he wants to talk to you, brother to brother"
It was kind of a shock to everyone that Dream and Tubbo were brothers, but probably gods can't shut up.
"I don't think he wants a freak as a brother" Dream's voice is hoarse and dry, but he almost can’t hear it because of the waves
"I don't know if you noticed, Dream, but pretty much everyone on this server is a freak" Techno replies
He hears a huff "What are you doing here?"
"I came to know how you were, after you know... that whole thing" he clears his throat
"After my tantrum?" Dream asks, can he hear the bitterness in his voice
Techno frowns
Honestly, he thought Dream was going to avoid the subject and that he was getting a little reclusive just because of the shock, but that he was going to be okay afterwards.
Unfortunately, it seems, he was worse than he should have been, except that he doesn't know if it's guilt or if he's angry with them for letting it get to that point.
Techno approaches and enters the cold water, rolling up his pants so that it doesn't get wet, he walks until he is close to the blond. He thought about asking about that sentence, but Dream was quicker to change the subject
"How's Phil doing? I didn't see him at the meeting..."
During that strange fight with Nightmare almost tearing Dream's body in half against everyone in the SMP, Phil ended up with his wings almost crooked, and in the end it got worse since he had to fly to catch Dream before he died from a fall.
"He's fine. Recovering, but fine"
Dream opens his mouth to say something and then he closes it and is silent.
Techno knows that it means two things: he wants to swallow his crying and pretend it doesn't matter, or he just can't confess his own weaknesses.
It is so strangely familiar that he knows how to read it, but he knows that it is more because of his childhood than because of the interaction they had during his stay at SMP.
He knows how to read Dream from sixteen years ago, but he doesn't know how to read Dream now, and because of that, he didn't know there was anything wrong.
He knew, he just wasn't sure anymore
"What were you saying?"
"Nothing..."
"You are doing that again"
"That what?"
"That thing you did when you wanted to pretend it was okay, you interrupted yourself before saying something that you considered to be weakness"
A snort "I didn't do it and I don't do it"
"Sure, whatever you say" he replies, simplistically, rolling his eyes
The silence is uncomfortable
"Why did you run away?" He decides to ask
"I had no reason to be listening to that shit" he replies, irritated
"I think you’re missing some points, because of that shit, we found out that Tubbo is Schlatt's son and your brother, in addition to the fact that you are a vessel for a demon since you were seven"
Dream paralyzes and faces Techno with pure fear reflected in his eyes.
"What did you say?"
"That guy, XD, he told us when you left. Quackity started a fight about you purposely accepting being possessed and Puffy fought that you would never do that. Then he let out that you were seven when it happened... "
The blonde looked down and was quiet for long minutes, before he opened his mouth and closed it in an audible click, clenching his jaw and his face twitching in a frown.
"Dream, say what you were going to say before I take it out of your mouth" Techno says, seriously
He brought his hands up to his face and took a deep breath for minutes.
"He didn't have that right..."
"Maybe he hadn't, but if he hadn't told us, when would you have?" he asked, being sincerely hurted
"Never, I wasn't going to tell you that"
"And you were going to leave it at that, were you going to leave it accumulated until it exploded?" Techno was now getting angry
"I kept this for sixteen years, and it was okay until that son of a bitch shows up" he grits his teeth, still not looking the old friend in the eye
"This god saved you, we didn't have a solution and you were going to die!"
"They put me in this in the first place!" he shouted "They were there when it happened and did nothing!"
Techno's eyes widened, startled by his sudden outburst
"They could have prevented it! XD isn’t just a cockroach, they are one of the high ranking admins! They could have done so many things, but they chose to help make a child a vessel to a demon and then “apologizes” and reveals my secrets when I'm far away!"
Dream pinched his nose, eyes tightly closed.
He wants to say something... he's on the tip of his tongue and Techno knows it
"What were you going to say... when I said Phil was recovering?" he asks, instead "And give me an entire answer, or I will break your jaw"
Dream laughs tearfully and Techno sighs with relief that he understood it was a joke. At least, that part was a joke.
"I was going to say... that I probably traumatized him, as I did with everyone else"
He frowns
"It wasn't you, Dream"
He snorts and looks away.
"I think you have vision problems, Technoblade"
"What?" he is really confused
"I don't know if you noticed, but it was me"
"I don't know if this is a guilty problem, but I think you forgot that you were possessed?"
"And does it matter?!" he gets angry again, but now he faces the god of blood in his eyes "What is the face that Tommy and Tubbo will see in their nightmares?! What is the face that everyone thinks when someone says danger?! What is the face that everyone chased and tried to kill?! It's my face! It's not Nightmare's face but mine"
"You two are not the same, and they know it," he says resolutely, it's a lie, but it's also true
"That's the problem... I..." he hesitates and looks away "I don't even know if that’s true anymore..."
"What do you mean?" he asks, slightly softer tone
Dream sighs and Techno can see his red and watery eyes, he hears his shaky breath.
"I got lost..." he confesses "I don't know who I am anymore"
"It's just..." he laughs humorlessly "It's so stupid saying it out loud... but I really don't know if I belong to myself"
Techno keeps listening
"I am not the little lamb that Schlatt loved as a son, I am not the emotionless admin those gods wanted me to be, I am not the tyrant that everyone fought against and..." he sniffles, still looking at the sky "I am not their friend..."
"I... I'm no longer the friend that George and Sapnap loved, I can't be a duckling Puffy thinks I am and I can't be a good brother to Tubbo because I'm already so fucked up... I think I’m not even your old childhood friend. I don't belong to anything. Everything I ever was, everything people loved once broke and now, I don't even know what I am anymore... I find myself thinking a few times if Nightmare stopped controlling me and I just kept thinking I was being a puppet and destroyed everything myself"
"When did I finish and Nightmare started? When did I stop being Dream, the guy that people liked and became..." he gestures to himself "Those pieces of people that I once were and that were destroyed?"
"I was broken so many times... I was broken when my horns were pulled out, I was broken when they put a fucking demon on me, I broke when they took me from my father's memories when they took off my wings, when war started, when Nightmare kicked me out of control, when Sapnap and George abandoned me, when I destroyed everything and when XD took off my mask and I stopped being an admin"
Dream was crying and sobbing
"And the worst part, is that I will never be able to be what they want again, I will never be able to say for sure what I am because there are still sparks of a Dreamon inside, there are cries of a child who was abandoned and it’s so confusing that I wonder if all that happened was true or if it was just me losing my mind"
"How far was it not an extension of myself? I was weak... I was naive, I couldn’t protect my family from blood and heart, I couldn’t do anything and I didn't even try to fight... I gave up trying to do something, and it haunts me. I could have tried to save Tommy, I could have tried to save Bad before going to prison, but I failed and I can't go back. Another things on the list of disappointments that everyone has about me"
He closes his mouth and gasps, tears still streaming down his cold face.
"When I look in the mirror, after so much time with a porcelain on my face... I don't recognize myself anymore and I feel like I'm going to break again, or I'm going to hurt everyone because I still think a part of me is Nightmare"
"I was once a tool, a vessel, a friend, a monster, a disappointment and many other things, and now… I'm just tired"
They fall into heavy silence and Technoblade sighs.
There were a lot of things that each of those phrases could mean, and he was honestly scared for Dream, he knew each of these events very well and he thought he knew how it affected the blonde, but he was wrong. It became a snowball inside him and it only made things worse.
He faces the orange sky, it is getting late, but he doesn't care much about it.
"I..." he clears his throat, he sucks at these things and Dream knows that "I had problems with that too, not like you, of course, but... there were many times when I wondered who I was. Was I the god of blood? A man surrounded by voices that screamed for blood and violence and left a trail of death in the way, or was I an anarchist who blew up a country? I was a warrior that says Technoblade never dies or was I a member of a conquering empire with shades of blue?"
"These questions got bigger after I moved to the Arctic and one day I asked Phil who I was, and he shrugged and said I was me, no matter how many things I have been or how many things I will be. So I found out that I was that and more, I am a son, I am a brother who is probably a disappointment to the other two brothers and I want to be the friend we once were. I am me, no matter how much I break down, no matter how much I change and no matter what names people give me "
"What if people don't think so? Who cares" he smiles "They should know me well enough what I am"
"And who knows that?" Dream asks, it's almost like a whisper and his arm is above his eyes, the water is very cold on their legs, but none of them seem to bother
"Phil and you, and that's enough"
"Sappy..." Dream says, smiling slightly and Techno rolls his eyes, punching him in the shoulder
"Shut up, I'm giving you a free therapy session, homeless boy"
Dream smiles wickedly and pushes Techno against the water, making him stagger and face the other with a murderous expression before jumping on him. The two get into a fight to push each other into the ocean.
And they are silent after that, but it is light and comfortable, the blonde is still sniffling beside him, but the tears stopped falling some time ago. The sky was getting blue and they could see the sunset, shades of pink, yellow and orange with the sun.
"Hey Techie?"
"Hm?"
"Do you remember that promise we made?"
"I couldn't forget" he replies, honestly
"I wanted to apologize for not doing it" he removes his arm from his face and the rays of sunshine make his hair shine like gold and his green eyes look like emeralds
"Who's being sappy now is you" he mumbles and Dream snorts "Don't worry, the important thing is that you're fine now"
"And that I can ask for the rematch of that thing"
"You lost, accept it" he says smiling
"You cheated, Dream"
He laughs like a kettle and the sound makes Techno relax, he hasn't heard much of it since they met in the duel, it made him smile.
Needless to say, they both received a lecture for taking so long and getting wet, but by the blonde's smile, it was worth it.
The sky was dark, the stars shining silver and a light wind shook the trees and the grass, small fireflies flew around the two boys and the only sound they could hear was the crickets and their breaths. Wooden swords lying on the floor, thrown helmets and childlike smiles decorating their faces.
"Hey Techie..." said the blond, horned and green-eyed boy, sitting down
"Hm?" the other boy with pink hair sang, still with his eyes closed and lying on the grass
"I'm leaving" he said and it makes Techno sit very fast, but the blonde was looking in the other direction
"What?" he frowned "Why?"
"The gods chose me. I can become an admin"
"Are you sure?" Techno question
"Of course I do, I chose that" the boy turns around, wiping his eyes
"You are crying"
"Worried, Techie?" he smirks
"Only in your dream, little lamb" the piglin snorts "But really, are you sure?"
"Of course, I'm going to make Dad proud" His smile widens and his sheep ears flap
"Schlatt is proud of you for anything, Dream" Techno comments, rolling his eyes once more
"But even so, I'm going to make him more proud. He was very sad after Mom died, so I'm going to make him happy. But don't tell him, he doesn't like it when I talk about it."
"Sure... hey Dream?"
"Hm?"
"Are you coming to visit? I hope you don't become those boring, nosy admins"
"I will visit, I will never forget you" Dream laughed, raised his hand and extended his pinky "Pinky promise"
"How old do you think we are?"
Dream huffed, puffing out his cheeks
"Hurry up"
"Okay..." he rolled his eyes, but crawled across the grass until he was close enough and intertwined his pinky "Pinky promise"