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And he still gives his love, he just gives it away
The love he receives is the love that is saved
– Given to Fly
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It was the documentary that got him thinking about it -- that time period when he felt like a kid lost in a big city; maybe he was. He just knew he wanted to make music, wanted it to be more fulfilling than it had been in San Diego. He hadn’t cared about the money, fame or power. He still doesn’t, but he also knows the difference when you feel respected, admired. Those feelings inherently lend a form of power that is inescapable. He tries to remember the person he was back then, barely recognizing this guy with long curly hair who went on MTV wearing a bra. Barely remembering being shy and unsure and frankly, scared. He misses that guy, somewhat; isn’t sure where he went. Maybe it was just the fact of being in your 20’s and having the entire world in the palm of your hand and being around people who were fresh, new faces that excited you. Maybe it was one person in particular who drew him out and changed his life.
He watches the film; Cameron brings over the final cut for a viewing with him, Stone, Mike and Jeff. The parts with Chris are like sense memory. In those early months he was perhaps closer to Chris than anyone else, writing songs together, drinking, smoking, and even living together for a little while. He’ll never forget the first night they hung out alone, talking and passing a cigarette between one another while lying on the hood of Chris’ car near a field, staring up at the stars and discussing everything and nothing all at once.
Eddie had felt something back then, something that caught him by surprise and wouldn’t let go. He’d never experienced creative energy like that before. They connected, pure and simple. Maybe moreso than anyone else. The footage of them onstage together at the RIP Magazine Party hits him like a punch to the gut. The memory of that night washes over him, something he hasn’t thought about in years yet at the time it had been as though his life existed just for that moment to occur.
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They were horsing around on stage, squaring off. Eddie leapt into Chris’ arms like he were Baby in Dirty Dancing and Chris just spun him around as Eddie clung to his back, his leg supported underneath Chris’ shoulder. Eddie loved the feel of his arms around Chris’ neck, of Chris’ hand high on the back of his thigh as he twirled him as though he weighed nothing. He felt like a kid on a playground, tumbling onto the ground and getting up only to spin himself back around Chris and take him down with him as the blood rushed from his head into his feet and dizziness overwhelmed him. Afterward, they’d raced into the corridor, high on adrenaline, music and nothing else. They ducked into an empty dressing room before they could be found, laughing and swaying a little, Chris’ arm draped casually over Eddie’s shoulder, their bodies close. His hair tickled the side of Eddie’s face as he sang softly in his ear. They rested on their sides against the wall near the door, facing one another, inches apart. He remembers the scent of sweat and beer permeating around him.
“What are you doing after this?” Chris asked, looming over him, making Eddie feel so small yet excited.
“Officially?” Eddie grinned, his voice deep and raspy, the way it always got after singing his heart out. His focus narrowed down to the feel of Chris’ fingers splayed across his chest. Chris nodded, slowly, raising his eyes and looking through long lashes. “Getting drunk and high and probably passing out somewhere in between here and the van.”
Chris bared his teeth. “Unofficially?” His fingers pressed down on Eddie’s sternum.
Eddie leaned in an inch closer, took note of the change in the air, the neon sign coming off of Chris, finally. He didn’t know why it was tonight of all nights, but he wasn’t going to question it.
“Getting high and drunk and fucking you?” he said, words flowing like molasses, excitement building in his gut. He felt invincible, having waited for this moment for over a year on end, like a dance they were playing while Eddie and Beth tried the long distance relationship thing and Chris seemed to be starting something up with his manager. It was messy and imperfect and he never expected something tangible to come out of it.
He watched Chris’ eyes darken with heat. “Well, I was thinking ‘blowing me’, but sure, we can aim high, why not?”
They laughed, puffs of air fanning their cheeks. Chris curled his fingers in Eddie’s damp shirt and tugged, pressing a biting kiss to his lips that tasted like beer and cigarettes. It was sloppy, uncoordinated and entirely male; feral, hot, the scrape of beard against his cheek and knock of teeth against the corner of his mouth. It was different from anything he had with Beth. A knock on the door startled them apart just as Chris’ fingers had slipped under the hem of Eddie’s shirt and they’d started kissing with purpose.
“Quit getting high and mingle with the magazine folk, shitheads!” Jeff called out.
“To be continued,” Chris grinned before kissing him once more. They fucked at Chris’ house that night, all animal lust and a crashing of lamps and the bed knocking against the wall with every thrust as their hair falling over their faces creating a cocoon. It’s possible he fell in love; maybe already had been. Despite this, there were no declarations, no grand gestures. For a few months it was just casual sex and he felt like he was on some natural high of sex and music. He got careless, kissing Chris while being interviewed by MTV and wanting to grope him in public. Shortly thereafter Beth wanted to move from San Diego and in with him, wanted them to be exclusive again after years of stops and starts and a relationship given a backseat to his career.
Eddie loved her and wanted to give her that because this thing with Chris – it was just an attempt to have the best of both worlds and maybe something like that wasn’t possible, not for them. He wasn’t willing to risk a friendship over it or worse: want things he knew they couldn’t have. It wasn’t any big production; wasn’t a break-up. They never treated each other differently when starting this just because they were now sucking each other’s dicks. There had never been anniversaries or formal dates. They were just fucking and one day they weren’t and Eddie made a commitment he didn’t plan on breaking and Chris was helping Beth move in like it was the most natural thing in the world.
That night while she was in the bathroom Chris kissed him like someone had just died and Eddie crushed him to his chest in a hug filled with such raw emotion it left them both shaking. Maybe, he realized, he’d been undermining things a little.
Eddie breathed in his scent, felt the muscles move under Chris’ back and said in a rough voice, “Unofficially; you’re the best thing to have happened to me.”
Chris smirked as they pulled back to look at one another. “Officially, you’re mine.”
Looking back, he doesn’t regret it, not even when it ended with Beth. They had a good run and Chris was married with a newborn by the time his own marriage dissolved. There were many ways to love someone and he knows the love he felt with Chris was a unique one. He never slept with another guy. He’d thought about it with Kurt but he felt more protective of him than anything. That night under the stage at the Video Music Awards was one he’d never forget and when he saw the footage his jaw nearly dropped. Something could have happened that night, he was sure of it, but that would have meant cheating after making a promise to be faithful. Kurt was sweet-faced and innocent and that’s how Eddie remembered that night with him in his arms.
Kurt may have faded away far too soon but Chris was still in his life. Now they were men in their forties, both on their second marriages, both with kids who sometimes played together. Now, some 20 years on they’ve gone onstage together again, Chris serenading him about a hunger strike (like he sometimes would in bed), the rest of the crowd fading away around him. It’s just the two of them in those moments, staring into one another’s eyes, smiling; remembering, reliving. Plain and simple, Eddie wouldn’t change the past or the present. By the end of the film he’s crying.
It was perfect in all its imperfections.
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“One of the first people I met, outside of the group, was this next human and uh, I had no idea how it would effect my life and uh, my views on music and uh, my views on friendship and what a big impact he would have.” - Eddie Vedder, 9/4/11 Alpine Valley show
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