Chapter Text
Baekhyun sits cross-legged on the rug in the living room, head bent over his textbook on the coffee table, gold-rimmed glasses perched on his nose. There are several other general and advanced medical textbooks left open at useful places, and papers and notes are piled up not only on the table, but also stacked in hopefully-relevant piles on the floor around him. Some of them are notes he’d taken back in university, neatly written with coloured highlighting making it easier to find important information. The older notes are a far cry from the more recent ones, dashed off much more haphazardly and without ruling lines or using highlighters or cute sticky notes. It’s been years since he had to prepare for an examination, and Baekhyun is finding that he seems to have fallen out of the habit of effective study, and it’s strangely hard to claw his way back.
He groans a little, elbows propped on the table and fingers running through his hair for the umpteenth time. It’s probably sticking straight up on end from all the clutching of it he’s been doing. His knees bounce restlessly as he reads and re-reads a line of anatomy and tries to connect the difficult words to what they actually mean. He knows all this stuff in practice, but somehow the theory is making his head feel like it’s been stuffed with cotton wool. He doesn’t remember it being this hard to memorize terminology when he’d been in university. He’s always prided himself on his excellent memory and being quick on the uptake. Why can’t he seem to focus properly?
“Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun flinches as someone puts a hand on his shoulder, his arm jerking and knocking a pile of papers to the floor. “Geez, Chanyeol, don’t creep up on me like that,” he says, shoving his glasses up his nose to stare reproachfully up at Chanyeol, one hand pressed to his thumping heart.
“I didn’t creep up on you,” Chanyeol protests. “I called your name twice already. That’s some serious focus you’ve got going on there.”
Baekhyun chews his lip, tapping his fingers against the table rapidly. He was trying to focus, but nothing was going in.
“I really didn’t hear you,” he says. “What is it?”
Chanyeol sits down beside him, puts his hand on the nape of Baekhyun’s neck and starts massaging one-handed. Baekhyun groans, melting into the motion. “God, that feels good.”
“You’re so tense,” Chanyeol says. Baekhyun just closes his eyes and lets Chanyeol work the stress out of his neck. “I just wanted to check you were doing okay. You looked really anxious before.”
“Did I?” Baekhyun mumbles. “I didn’t mean to. Studying is just horrible. I can’t seem to get my head in the game.” He opens his eyes and finds Chanyeol looking at him. “I swear it used to be easier to remember stuff than this. Am I getting old?” he jokes, but there’s real anxiety behind his words, and he knows Chanyeol sees it by the way his forehead furrows.
“You’ve been working flat-out since I left at 7 this morning, and it’s past 5.30 now,” Chanyeol points out. “The brain can only absorb so much at once, you know. Have you been taking breaks?”
Baekhyun didn’t realise it had been that long. He doesn’t feel like he’s accomplished anything at all.
“I need to make up for lost time,” he says, avoiding the subject of breaks, because he’s not supposed to get so stressed that even the thought of eating makes him nauseous any more. Chanyeol would only worry if he knew Baekhyun hadn’t been able to face eating today. “You know how much time I lost this year. I have to study like mad for the next few months if I’m going to pass my fellowship examination in October.” He turns back to his textbook on the table, but Chanyeol puts a large hand over Baekhyun’s delicate one, stilling his fingers in their frantic drumming against the table.
“All the same, I think you should stop for now,” Chanyeol says. “You’ve done a full day of study today, and you seem really wound up.”
Baekhyun grimaces, but he knows Chanyeol is right. He isn’t getting anywhere like this. He flops backwards until his back hits the couch behind them, slouching down. “It’s stressful,” he admits. “I know I can do the clinical stuff, but a hundred multiple-choice theory questions is no joke, and a lot of it is stuff that I never use in practice. You were stressed when you were studying for yours, too.”
“Don’t remind me,” Chanyeol says. “I’m so glad I stayed in general paediatrics and didn’t specialize further. Exams are the worst. But you’re usually good with exams, aren’t you?”
“I used to be,” Baekhyun says. “I don’t know what’s wrong with my brain these days. I can’t seem to concentrate like I used to.”
Chanyeol kneels up and starts gathering the papers Baekhyun had knocked onto the floor, shuffling them together and stacking them on the coffee table. “You could use the computer desk,” he says. “Yeonseok will move his crap if you ask him.”
“No, it’s okay,” Baekhyun says. “I don’t mind working here. It reminds me of uni, when our beds were nothing but lonely islands in a sea of revision. I swear I didn’t even know what colour our carpet was.”
Chanyeol laughs, putting the papers he’s gathered on the table. Baekhyun sees him go still for a moment as he looks at the top paper, then picks it up. Baekhyun sits up to look at it too. His stomach does a strange flip-flop when he sees what Chanyeol is holding.
“Oh, that’s nothing,” he says, reaching for the paper, but Chanyeol moves it further from his reach, fending him off with one hand.
“Baekhyun, this is not nothing,” Chanyeol says, and Baekhyun wants to facepalm for leaving the stupid form out among all his revision and crap. Just the form in itself wouldn’t be so bad, but Baekhyun remembers scribbling angrily on it, after he’d stared, pen in hand, for about ten minutes at the boxes and been unable to bring himself to fill them in. He can’t remember exactly what he wrote, but it wasn’t something he’d intended Chanyeol - or anyone - seeing.
“It is nothing,” Baekhyun insists. He reaches again for the form, and this time Chanyeol lets him take it. “Chief Seo gave it to me because she thinks I qualify, but I’m not going to apply for it, so it doesn’t matter.”
He glances down at the form in his hand. It has the logo of the Korean Society of Medical Education in the top left corner, and the title glares out at him from the top of the page, black-on-white characters bold and brutal as a punch to the gut. APPLICATION FOR REASONABLE ADJUSTMENT FOR DISABILITY.
He crumples it up in his fist so that he doesn’t have to see it anymore, nor the words he’s scrawled beneath it, pressing so hard he’d almost torn the paper; I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
“Baekhyun…” Chanyeol looks hesitant, like he tends to get when talking about Baekhyun’s mental health. Baekhyun wishes he didn’t, because when have they ever had problems communicating or being open between them? They’ve always been so close. But he knows it’s his own fault that Chanyeol feels like he has to tread carefully. He’s reacted over-sensitively before, and considering how he’s feeling right now, he’s probably at risk of doing so again. He takes a deep breath, lets it out in a shaky sigh.
“Just say it,” he says softly. He feels his shoulders hunch as he curls a little on himself, instinctively, uselessly trying to protect himself. But how can he protect himself when it’s all coming from inside him? “I’m fucking mental enough to qualify for a disability adjustment, and you think I should take it, don’t you.”
“Baek, don’t be cruel to yourself,” Chanyeol says gently. “This would mean the examination board will take your illness into consideration. That would be good, don’t you think? You wouldn’t have to worry so much about making up for the time you lost.”
“I hate it,” Baekhyun says bitterly. “I don’t want it. I don’t want to be seen as disabled, Chanyeol. I don’t want people thinking I’m ill. I’m not. Not anymore.”
He’s so curled up on himself that he senses, more than sees, Chanyeol shuffle closer to wrap his long arms around him. He relaxes into the hold, sighing a little as the worst of the stress and tension begins to leave him at the physical contact. Chanyeol knows so well what Baekhyun needs. It’s all he can do not to cling to his best friend like a small child.
“I know that, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says. “You’ve done so amazingly well to get to where you are, but you are still on medication, so...”
Baekhyun knows that too. He has been starting to truly resent the antidepressants lately. He almost has to choke them down, the way he had when he’d first been taking them, so much does he despise having to swallow the pills. He hasn’t told anyone this, because he isn’t stupid and he knows he needs to continue taking them until his psychiatrist, who knows better than Baekhyun what he needs in this regard, thinks it’s safe to begin tapering him down. But he hates the thought that his metal stability relies on drugs. He was stable before Nari broke up with him. Why can’t people see that he can be stable again?
“If it would make the stress of studying for this exam easier, I think Dr. Seo has a good point in suggesting it,” Chanyeol continues.
“It would be on my record, though,” Baekhyun says unhappily. “Any advanced fellowship program I applied for would see that I had an adjustment for disability. You know how competitive plastic surgery fellowships are. Nobody is going to pick me for their programme over a person with a clean bill of health.”
He feels Chanyeol sigh against him. He knows Chanyeol can’t refute it, because it’s true. Baekhyun would have his qualification, he’d have passed his general plastic surgery fellowship and be able to work as an attending surgeon, but he’d be competing with the best of the best for further education, and even the tiniest difference in grades makes a difference. Someone with a history of mental illness like his, someone who is still currently on antidepressants, would surely be far less desirable than any other candidate.
“Are you thinking of doing an advanced fellowship, then?” Chanyeol asks. “Burns?”
Baekhyun nods. “Either reconstructive burn surgery, or cosmetic surgery,” he says. “There’s a year-long course for both starting in February next year.”
“Cosmetic surgery?” Chanyeol asks, sounding surprised. “You’ve always been interested in burns, though, and you’ve done amazing work in that field already. Where did cosmetics come from, all of a sudden?”
Baekhyun smiles, some of his distress fading as he thinks of the reason behind his new interest in cosmetic surgery. “Lu Han’s been telling me a lot about it,” he says. “It would be fun to work in the same specialty.”
“Ah,” Chanyeol says, and then is oddly silent for so long that Baekhyun eventually sits up out of the hug to look at him.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Chanyeol says. “About the disability adjustment - why don’t you think about it a little more before deciding? There’s always the option of deferring your exam, too. You could take it next year.”
“No,” Baekhyun says, shaking his head. “I don’t want to defer it. You and Jongdae both passed yours ages ago, I’m already way behind you guys.”
“Hey, what? Come on,” Chanyeol says. “You can’t compare it like that. Our fellowship programmes were only three years long, yours is six years. It doesn’t make sense to say you’re behind. That’s just the nature of your specialty.”
“You’re both still attendings, though, that’s the outcome no matter what the facts behind it are,” Baekhyun says. “I don’t want to let my stupid illness dictate my life. I want to make the next step in my career, and I can do it without disability adjustments or deferrals.”
“I know you can,” Chanyeol says. “But you still have to take care of yourself. Studying all day until you’re so anxious you can’t even sit still isn’t doing you any favours.”
“I know,” Baekhyun sighs. Chanyeol is right, as usual. “I’ll try. I just wish my stupid brain would get on board.”
He glances at the time and sees that it’s nearly six, and feels himself brighten up as he remembers tonight’s plans. He unfolds his limbs and starts crawling around to pick up all the papers from the carpet. “I have to stop now anyway and get ready for my date,” he says, the happiness bubbling over into his voice as the thought of Lu Han chases away the worry and stress.
“What are you guys doing tonight?” Chanyeol asks, stretching his long legs out under the coffee table.
“That date idea you suggested the other day,” Baekhyun says, stacking up his books so that there’s some free space on the coffee table. “N Seoul Tower. I can’t believe you lovebirds actually put a lock on the fence there, so cliche,” he teases, dodging when Chanyeol takes a good-natured swipe at him.
“Cliches exist for a reason,” Chanyeol tells him, grinning. “Find me a romantic heart that doesn’t flutter at the idea of the locks on the fence at Seoul Tower. You’ll get to see the city lights too since you’re going late, that’s going to be awesome.”
“Yeah, I can’t wait,” Baekhyun says happily. He and Lu Han have been alternating coming up with surprise date nights for each other each week. It’s fun not knowing where they’re going to end up, and Baekhyun loves planning the dates too, and Chanyeol is more than willing to provide ideas from what he and Yeonseok have done over the years. When everything is off the floor and vaguely neat, Chanyeol goes into the kitchen to start dinner for himself, as Yeonseok is on shift tonight, and Baekhyun goes into his room to shower and get ready.
An hour later, he scrambles into Lu Han’s car and leans across the gearbox for Lu Han’s kiss, unable to stop smiling as his boyfriend gives it to him without hesitation.
“I missed you,” he says.
“It’s only been a couple of days, puppy,” Lu Han teases, tapping his nose.
“I still missed you,” Baekhyun says. “Did you miss me?”
“I kept thinking about your pretty eyes while I was doing a double eyelid surgery today,” Lu Han tells him. “My client might end up looking like you.”
Baekhyun grins. “Would that be such a bad thing?”
“It might be, when I want to kiss you every time I see them,” Lu Han says. “What if I start kissing my clients and get into trouble? You better take responsibility.”
“Maybe I’ll have to come work at your practice, keep you under control,” Baekhyun says. “I told you I’m taking my fellowship exam in October, right? Maybe I’ll specialize in cosmetic surgery and inflict myself upon your workday.”
Lu Han laughs. “You’re way too obsessed with burn reconstruction to get fulfilment from nose jobs, you won’t get anywhere near a private clinic,” he says, and Baekhyun feels a tiny quiver of self-doubt inside him. Chanyeol had basically said the same thing. Baekhyun himself would have said the same thing this time last year. Even a few months ago. He suddenly thinks of little Kang Minseo and her successful scalp graft, and how happy and confident she’d become after Baekhyun’s surgery had given her a full head of hair. He wants to help more people like her. But if he did cosmetic surgery, maybe he really would be able to work with Lu Han someday, see him all the time instead of just date nights, and they could discuss procedures and research, and go to conventions together...
“Anyway, tell me where I am driving, or we’ll be outside your apartment all evening,” Lu Han continues, and Baekhyun puts aside his uncertainty. Tonight is for having fun and being with the person who makes him happiest in the world.
Baekhyun gives Lu Han directions. They’re getting close to the small mountain of Namsan north of the river, topped by the tall tower, when Lu Han figures out where they’re going.
“Seoul Tower? Wait, the famous padlock fence?” he asks, laughing. “A romantic at heart, I see, Byun Baekhyun.”
“Chanyeol and Yeonseok have a lock there,” Baekhyun says. “He sent me a picture and bet me a week of doing the dishes that I couldn’t find it, so it’s our mission tonight to find it. Dishwashing makes my eczema hate me.”
“I haven’t been up there before, only seen photos,” Lu Han says. “How many locks are there?”
“About a million,” Baekhyun says glibly. His and Nari’s lock is up there somewhere, too. He shoves the thought away brutally. Lu Han’s eyes grow round.
“If we can’t find it, let’s just buy a lock the same and copy what they wrote on it from the picture Chanyeol gave you,” he says. Baekhyun turns to him, mouth dropping open.
“You are some kind of evil genius, huh,” he says, making Lu Han peal with laughter.
He directs Lu Han to the parking lot beneath the mountain and they get out. Mt. Namsan rises above them, clad in green forest, the pylons of the cable car marching their way up the steep slope with square enclosed cars bringing people up and down. Baekhyun takes Lu Han’s hand and starts pulling him over to the entrance to the cable car.
“We’re lucky, it looks like there’s not too many people here tonight,” he says. “The cars won’t be too crowded.”
“Good,” Lu Han says, but his voice sounds a little off to Baekhyun, lacking the confidence that Lu Han always carries himself with. Baekhyun turns to look at him, and sees that Lu Han’s eyes are fixed on the cables swooping up the steep mountainside, and his face is strangely pale.
Baekhyun stops dead in his tracks, horror seizing him as he understands what’s going on.
“I’m an idiot,” he says. “Lu Han, I’m such a fucking idiot.”
“No, you’re not,” Lu Han says, but his voice sounds distant, and he keeps on staring up at the cable car without looking at Baekhyun. He’s pale-skinned naturally, but right now he looks like he’s seen a ghost.
“I am. I didn’t even think. It’s just such a part of visiting Seoul Tower that the heights thing never even occurred to me,” Baekhyun says. “I’m so sorry. I know how horrible phobias are, I should have thought -”
“Baekhyun, it’s okay,” Lu Han says, finally dragging his eyes from the cable car to send Baekhyun a smile. It’s shaky at the edges, and Baekhyun’s heart clenches. “I can handle it.”
“No, you don’t have to handle it,” Baekhyun says. “I’m not making you do something that scares you. We don’t have to anyway. There are hiking trails up the mountain too, through the trees. It’ll take longer to get up there, but exercise is good for you! It’s better this way!”
Lu Han looks so relieved that Baekhyun can’t help flinging his arms around him in a quick hug, uncaring that there are people around. “Are you sure you don’t mind?” Lu Han asks. “I feel stupid, but -”
“Of course not!” Baekhyun says. “I haven’t climbed a mountain since a horrible high school camp I was forced to go on, but Namsan isn’t a very big mountain. How hard can it be, right?”
Lu Han grins at him. “Let’s find out,” he says.
They wander around for a while until they find a small trail leading through the trees, marked as a route to the top, and start their way up it.
Half an hour later, Baekhyun is regretting everything.
“I take it back,” he wheezes. “This is hard. How is climbing a mountain so hard? I think I’m going to cough my heart up.”
Lu Han turns around to grin at him, teeth flashing in the growing dusk below the trees. He’s not even breathing heavily, Baekhyun thinks reproachfully as he uses the break to bend over and catch his breath, hands on knees.
“You’re very talkative for someone who’s finding it hard,” Lu Han teases. “Save your breath for climbing, not whining.”
“Who designed this path? Aren’t they supposed to zig-zag to make it easier? It’s going straight up!” Baekhyun complains. His legs hurt. His lungs hurt. Everything hurts. “It said an hour, right? I can’t believe we’re only half-way.”
“I can’t believe it’s going to take us an hour to get up there,” Lu Han laughs. “An hour is like, grandma pace.”
“Are you calling me a grandma?” Baekhyun asks, straightening up to pout. “I take offense at that!”
“You should exercise more,” Lu Han teases him, dodging aside when Baekhyun tries to swat him. “Come on, we better keep going. There are no lights on this trail and the sun is setting.”
Baekhyun swallows, the good-natured banter suddenly receding as he realises Lu Han is right. It’s getting pretty dark now under the trees. Lu Han has become nothing but a shadowy figure in the gloom as he turns to keep walking up the trail.
“Wait,” he calls, and he hears the faint edge of panic in his voice, but is unable to hide it. He runs the couple of steps to catch up with Lu Han and grabs the back of his shirt. “Wait up. It’s getting dark. Let’s not get separated.”
Lu Han turns around again. Baekhyun can just make out the expression of dismay on his face in the gloom.
“Fuck,” Lu Han says, staring at him. Baekhyun stares back. The hilarity of the situation suddenly strikes him, and he starts to giggle.
“I can’t believe this,” he says. “We avoided your phobia only to get hit with mine.”
Lu Han starts to laugh too. “We’re such idiots,” he says. “Come on, let’s hurry and get up there before we lose all the light.” He takes Baekhyun’s hand and starts to stride up the trail again.
“I’m not scared,” Baekhyun says, clinging to Lu Han’s hand. “I won’t freak out like last time. It was the suddenness of the power cut that triggered me. I know this is just normal dark.” But it’s getting so dark, and no matter how hard Baekhyun strains his eyes, he can barely see a thing, only the shadowy shapes of the trees around them. His heart is hammering in his chest, and he doesn’t think it’s just from the exercise any more. The darkness feels thick and cloying, and even though he knows it’s not an episode, he knows there are no voices and no terrible creatures swimming around him in the dark, the whole thing just makes him...
“You’re going to crush my hand,” Lu Han says dryly. “I need to keep that in full working order, please.”
“Oops,” Baekhyun says, forcing himself to loosen his grip. “Okay, so maybe I am a tiny bit scared. What if we lose the trail?”
“Phone torches,” Lu Han suggests, and they both dig their phones out. The phone torches aren’t really designed to light up this kind of darkness, they’re too diffuse, but at least they can see the edges of the trail in the combined beams. The problem is, having the torch lights on makes the darkness around them go really black in comparison. Baekhyun’s breath hitches.
“Come on, hurry up,” he says, tugging at Lu Han’s hand. He’s walking so fast now he’s nearly running, and it’s Lu Han who is starting to pant as he struggles to keep up with Baekhyun’s pace. Adrenaline is taking over, giving him strength and a second wind he didn’t know he possessed. All he can think about is getting to the top of this stupid trail and finding some light again.
Thanks to Baekhyun’s sudden burst of fear-driven energy, they reach the top of the trail in about half the time it took them to do the first half. Baekhyun gives a cry of relief as he sees floodlights shining on the old city wall which runs beside the road. Between the trees the tower appears, still a little higher than them up the road, glowing green and gigantic compared to how it appeared at the bottom. “We made it!” he cries, dropping Lu Han’s hand and sprinting the last few metres towards the nearest floodlight. He stands right in its beam, the light bouncing off his skin and hair as he spins around to watch Lu Han jog up to him. “We survived!”
“Holy shit, Baekhyun,” Lu Han pants. “What was all that whining about being unfit before? You practically ran the last half.”
“I think I was in fight or flight mode,” Baekhyun admits. “My legs are probably going to kill me tomorrow.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Lu Han asks as they walk the last few metres up the road towards the bustling, well-lit plaza. “I really didn’t expect night to fall so quickly.”
“I’m okay,” Baekhyun assures him. “It goes away once I’m in the light. But I feel like being in the brightest possible place for the rest of the evening.”
“We’ll make that our criteria for where to eat dinner,” Lu Han says, laughing a little. “The brightest-lit restaurant, the furthest from any window that’s going to show me how fucking high up in that tower we’re going to be.”
“This was a terrible idea for a date,” Baekhyun says as they pay their entrance fees. “I still can’t believe I brought a person with acrophobia here.”
“I can’t believe I made a person with a fear of the dark walk up a forest trail at dusk,” Lu Han laughs. “Don’t worry. It’s an experience! We’re laughing about it, so no harm done.”
“You’re okay with elevators and stuff, right?” Baekhyun asks. “Most of the eating places are up in the top of the tower and you have to take the elevator up, but there are a few cafes on the plaza down here, and there’s an arcade in the plaza building. We don’t have to go up. We can just find Chanyeol and Yeonseok’s lock and play down here.”
“No, let’s go up,” Lu Han says. “I’ve never had a reason to go up the tower, but I want to do it. It’ll be fine as long as I don’t go near the windows.”
“You know what,” Baekhyun says as they begin their lock-hunt. “We should have just taken the damn bus.”
Lu Han cracks up so much he has to cling to Baekhyun’s shoulder to hold himself up. “You’re right. We’re such idiots.”
“Two surgeons, zero common sense,” Baekhyun says. “What is it about us and getting into stupid situations?”
“It’s an adventure,” Lu Han says. “You’re an adventure, Baekhyun, and I love adventures.”
Baekhyun feels like his whole body is glowing. He knows it’s too early in their relationship to be professing love directly, but even the hint that Lu Han might, possibly, love him makes him feel safer than he has in a very long time. He’d lost all hope in himself when Nari left him. His depression had made him believe he was unlovable, nothing but a burden, and everyone who knew him would be better off without him. But now, here is Lu Han, wanting to spend time with him, liking him, and maybe, just maybe, loving him too.
He doesn’t suggest they leave a lock here like Chanyeol and Yeonseok had. A love lock represents a commitment that Baekhyun knows is too soon for them. They’re boyfriends, but a symbol of undying love too much at this point, even though if he’s honest with himself Baekhyun would love to put a lock on the fence with Lu Han. He’s sure he loves Lu Han, because Lu Han makes him so happy and he wants to be with him all the time, but he’s aware that he can be too clingy, and he doesn’t want to push it and risk ruining everything. He’ll let Lu Han take the lead, like he has been doing so far, and keep on pleasing him, making him smile and laugh as much as he can, making sure Baekhyun is a likeable person to Lu Han. He’ll keep on hoping, and maybe some day before too long, they’ll come here again (via bus, no more cable cars or night hikes for them, thank you very much) and put a lock on the fence with Chanyeol and Yeonseok’s, and all the other people who love each other.
“This is impossible,” Lu Han says after they’ve been combing the crammed fences with their phone torches for a few minutes. “I’m starving after practically sprinting up that hill. Let’s just buy a lock and fake it.”
“You give up so quickly,” Baekhyun teases, but now that Lu Han mentions it, he’s hungry too, and he remembers he was too stressed out to eat lunch. Definitely a good idea to eat sooner than later. “Okay, let’s do it.”
They buy a lock from the vendor that looks the closest possible to the one in the picture Chanyeol gave him, and then Baekhyun carefully copies the strokes of his flatmates’ handwriting down the side of the lock. Lu Han, with great attention to detail, sets the code to the same numbers.
“I’ll take it right close up so that he can’t tell the locks around them are different,” Lu Han says, getting out his phone.
“Such attention to detail,” Baekhyun laughs. “You really are an evil genius.” He carefully hooks the fake lock onto the fence, and if he lets himself pretend, just for a second, that the lock has his and Lu Han’s names on it instead of Chanyeol and Yeonseok’s - well, nobody has to know. Lu Han crouches beside him to take a close-up of the lock. Then, turning the camera around, he suddenly presses his lips to the side of Baekhyun’s mouth and takes a photo.
“Hey, no fair!” Baekhyun says around his startlement, reaching for the phone to cover the fact that his heart is pounding in his chest again. “You didn’t let me pose, I’ll look super ugly.”
“You could never,” Lu Han says. They both look at the photo. Baekhyun’s eyes are wide and surprised as Lu Han kisses the corner of his mouth, both of their hair messed up from the wind and the exercise of the long climb. Something about seeing this in a photo - them, together, the proof of Lu Han liking him right there in front of him - makes Baekhyun’s feelings well up inside him, until he’s sure his body is far too small to have a hope of ever containing them.
“I’ll send it to you,” Lu Han whispers into his ear. Baekhyun wants to turn and kiss him properly, but there are too many people here, and he’s only too aware that not everyone is accepting of same-sex couples. He contents himself with smiling at Lu Han, and they may not be kissing, but he’s sure that if anyone was looking at them they’d be able to see Baekhyun’s heart right there on his sleeve, in his eyes, shining through his smile.
They go inside and queue up for the high-speed elevators. Funky lights swirl around them in the waiting area, swooping around the walls as trippy space-age music plays, until they get to the front of the queue and file into an elevator with a small group of other people. The ceiling screen lights up with a realistic image of the sky above them, the huge tower looming up into a starlit sky. Baekhyun tips his head back and stares in awe as the doors close. He feels Lu Han pressing close, and finds his fingers, interlacing them and holding tight. Music plays in a dramatic building crescendo, and as the elevator begins to rise, the image starts to swoop upwards towards the tower top, as if the elevator has no ceiling. Within seconds they’re past the tower, hurtling up into the sky, through layers of clouds and into space at impossible speed. Lu Han makes a small noise and turns to hide his face in Baekhyun’s shoulder. Baekhyun doesn’t blame him. It’s vertigo-inducing even without a fear of heights helping it along. He knows Lu Han well enough now to know that showing vulnerability like this is not easy for him, and yet he trusts Baekhyun enough to show it in front of him.
He cups the back of Lu Han’s neck with his free hand, remembering how soothing it is when Chanyeol does that for him, keeping his eyes turned up in fascination as the image shoots them through the solar system. Only a few moments later they’re at the observation deck level and the doors open.
“We’re here,” Baekhyun whispers, smiling as Lu Han lifts his head.
They follow the group out and go to explore the upper levels. There are glass windows all around the circular edges, showing them a view of the city night lights.
“You go look,” Lu Han says, noticing Baekhyun’s eyes looking eagerly at the windows. “I’ll just...inspect this sweet shop.” He gestures vaguely to the open-walled shop in the very centre of the tower, filled with multitudes of different types of sweets.
Baekhyun grins. “I won’t be long,” he promises. He trots over to the windows to kneel up on the ledge and peer out of the glass windows at the night cityscape below him, the lights of Seoul reflecting in the Han River and stretching out until they disappear into the distant Geomdansan mountain range. A few kids nearby are doing the same. When he’s looked enough, he goes back to the sweet shop, where he finds that Lu Han is clutching a small paper bag.
“Oh, you bought something?” he asks, reaching for the bag.
“The store owner was giving me weird looks,” Lu Han says sheepishly, letting Baekhyun look inside. “I had to buy something.”
“Gummy snakes,” Baekhyun says. “I love those!”
“They can be dessert,” Lu Han grins. “Let’s get food.”
They find a restaurant and a table far enough from the windows that Lu Han isn’t bothered by the view. When their food comes, Baekhyun remembers that he needs to take his meds with dinner. The familiar reluctance rises up inside him, throat reacting by trying to close up on him. He has his pills with him, he keeps a few in his wallet for situations like this when he’s out at mealtimes, but he doesn’t want to take them. Not here, not in front of Lu Han. Not when he’s so happy. Not when he has to practically gag them down these days, like he’d done at the start. It’s such a mission, and it’s embarrassing, and it feels so pointless now.
He frowns a little as a sudden thought strikes him. Antidepressants have side-effects. He’d struggled with a few for the first few weeks, dizziness and nausea especially, but it had gotten better as his body adjusted to the dosage and he’d been taken off the initial antipsychotics he’d also been taking. But now he remembers that difficulty concentrating can be a side-effect of antidepressants. Realisation strikes him like a thunderbolt. Is that why his brain isn’t functioning the way he wants it to when he studies? The antidepressants are stuffing up his concentration capacity?
“Baekhyun?” Lu Han’s voice calls him back to himself, and he realises he’s blanking out. He laughs and picks up his fork.
“Sorry, got distracted by the view,” he says. “This looks good.”
They eat and talk and laugh. Baekhyun doesn’t take his pill. He knows he needs to titrate down properly, reduce his dose gradually, not just quit cold turkey, and he should discuss it with his psychiatrist really, but skipping the pill for one day won’t matter. He has enough of the medication built up in his system over the past few months.
They discuss next week’s date. Lu Han already has a plan, and though he won’t tell Baekhyun what it is, he does say that it’s something that needs a full day for, and suggests the next Saturday. Baekhyun pulls his lower lip between his teeth. Saturdays are when he sees his psychiatrist. But he doesn’t want to go see his psychiatrist, and he does want to hang out with Lu Han. Being with Lu Han is way better for his mood than therapy appointments anyway.
“Sure, next Saturday is great,” he says. Maybe it’s time he stopped therapy anyway. He’s so sick and tired of it, and it’s not like he actually needs his psychiatrist to tell him how to titrate his meds down safely. He’s a doctor, he knows how to titrate. He’ll reduce his own dosage over the next few weeks, and then he’ll be able to concentrate again.
The decision gives him a sense of great relief. The idea of being completely normal again is so appealing. Lu Han knows about his history, thanks to the stupid panic attack he’d had during the power cut at his apartment, but not that Baekhyun is still on antidepressants. Baekhyun would tell him if he asked directly. He’s not trying to keep it secret, not exactly. He’s just not telling Lu Han something he doesn’t need to know about. He doesn’t want Lu Han to see him as still sick, or unstable, because he’s not. He’s fine, and he’s going to prove it to everyone. He’s going to be stable on his own, without chemical intervention, and he’s going to pass his fellowship examination, and get a place on a specialized fellowship programme for next year. He’s going to be the person he was before his world broke apart around him last year, and he broke apart with it.
He smiles as Lu Han tells him about something crazy his cat did the other day. Everything is going to be better soon. Everything is going to be perfect.
---
Sehun wakes up in the middle of the night. His eyes slowly get used to the darkness around them, the contours of the furniture slowly showing, and the butterflies that have resided in his stomach for the last couple of days wake up and begin to flutter around. He turns around in the bed to stare at Mikyung. She has kicked the blanket off in the early autumn heat and her dark hair is splayed across her pillow. There’s a line of saliva trailing from the corner of her mouth and sometimes a soft snore escapes her. He reaches out to gently run a finger over her forehead, trails her hairline down towards her ear and further down to her chin. She turns and pulls her hand towards her chest and Sehun eyes the ring on her ring finger. When they had bought the rings he’d been excited to see her smile and the representation of what they were about to do had made him want to fly in happiness. It hadn’t really hit him, however, until a couple of days ago when he finally convinced Mikyung to get their pre-wedding photos taken. We’re eloping, she had argued, and Sehun had nodded and asked her to please do it with him regardless to have the memories. She’d worn a simple white dress with her hair up in a ponytail, curls falling onto her shoulder and flowers to accentuate the beautiful dark color. He had been in a simple blue suit, a yellow rose in the breast pocket. They’d stood in front of a large rustic brick wall in a small simple studio as the photographer had them pose differently. The way their eyes shine every time they look at each other is the same in every photograph, though, and every time he flips through them he understands why other people have them taken before their wedding.
He’s not unhappy with their decision to marry in secret, or ‘elope’ as Mikyung insists on calling it; in fact he’s the furthest from regretting it. Their mothers would have been a nightmare. A fancy feast prepared weeks ahead, outfits and flower arrangements and wedding venues neither of their families would be able to afford. There would be eyes on them the entire day, and the only eyes Sehun wants on him is Mikyung’s.
He gets out of bed ten minutes later when he’s sure he won’t be getting more sleep tonight. There’s no reason to wake Mikyung up by being restless. The door to the bedroom closes softly and Sehun heads towards the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. He sits in the dark house, looking out at the dim suburban street. It’s their six-year couple anniversary today, and a new beginning to a relationship that will never end. He takes another sip of his coffee and leans back against the chair he’s sitting on. Six years of happiness, of being together with someone they never had to hide anything from. Six years of sunshine in a world that for Sehun had always been somehow dim and grey before Mikyung.
He’d had girlfriends before her, but never one like her. She understands his bad days and his good days, his humour and his sarcasm. She knows when to say things and when to stay quiet, and she has taught him so much with the maturity and steadiness behind her laughter.
The sun begins to rise as Sehun empties his cup of coffee and with the sun and the colours of a burning sky, the butterflies slowly settle. There’s nothing to be nervous about. Sehun might not have thought much about marriage before Mikyung brought it up, but it won’t change anything in their relationship. All they’re doing is affirming a commitment they’ve never really doubted.
Mikyung gets up two hours later, hands stretched above her head as she yawns and joins him in the kitchen.
“Good morning,” she says, leaning down to kiss him. “When did you get up?”
Sehun shrugs a little. “I don’t know. Before sunrise.”
“Why so early?” She runs her hand down the back of his head, leaning against the chair a little.
Sehun shrugs. “Couldn’t sleep.”
Mikyung hums and leaves him to make herself a coffee, picking up his empty one from in front of him. “You want another?”
“Sure,” Sehun says, watching her back as she makes the drinks.
She sits down across from him at the kitchen table, fresh coffee in front of both of them. She still looks sleepy, but all Sehun really sees is her beauty. The dried saliva down her chin, her hair like a bird's nest and deep brown eyes slightly puffy with sleep, all of it is beautiful to him.
She looks up at him after taking a sip of her coffee, and Sehun grins at her. “Happy sixth year anniversary.”
Mikyung snorts and puts her hand over her mouth to save her sip.
“Congratulations on our wedding day, Oh Sehun,” she tells him when she finally swallows.
They end up on the couch, coffee cups empty in front of them on the coffee table. Mikyung has pulled the throw blanket from the armchair and curled it around her, her head resting on Sehun’s shoulder. They’re looking through the photo albums on his phone, reminiscing everything that has happened to them the past six years. Mikyung points to a photo on his screen before he gets to slide to the next.
“That was when you met my parents for the first time,” she says. Sehun looks at a six-year younger version of himself, shy smile and dyed blonde hair. He looks like a teenager, although he had been twenty-four when they’d met, standing in Mikyung’s parents' living room in his nicest button-down shirt, shoulders stiff and a stilted smile on his face with Mikyung by his side. The photo is taken by her mother, to celebrate Mikyung finally bringing home a decent man, and Sehun had felt even more nervous than he had before.
“That was horrible,” he murmurs, but Mikyung hears it and laughs. She hits his chest once before she reaches down to slide to the next photo. There are pictures of them at the beach where he had taught Mikyung to surf, pictures from important birthdays and events. There are pictures of them dressed up and them dressed down, each one feeling more and more natural. Smiles turn mischievous and fingers tangle into each other with each passing photo. There are photos of sunflowers and prank gifts, of ramen and coffee cups, until they reach the latest photo, the selfie of them both Mikyung had taken when Sehun had missed his friends and coworkers in Seoul.
Sehun still misses the others, but as he’s gotten more experience with the clinic and the patients he is starting to see regularly, it has faded into the background a little. Coming home to Mikyung doesn’t make his life feel empty anymore, there is no longer that void in his chest that can’t be filled by anyone else. He hasn’t really managed to make any new friends like them down here, but he will be fine. Besides, Jongin has already pestered him about coming down next time he has a weekend off. Mikyung takes his phone and puts it down on the table and Sehun tears his mind from the thoughts of his friends.
“What are you thinking of?” she asks him, and Sehun touches her nose with his finger.
“You, of course,” he says back, and she rolls her eyes.
Sehun busies himself in the afternoon when he sets out to find the perfect sunflower for his outfit. He also has to pick up Mikyung’s bouquet and a package she’d received at the post office. They’re going to say their vows in the evening, the sunset on the beach creating the perfect background. It’s not officially getting married; that’s for Monday when the district office opens. He has Jongin’s witness signature and another from Mikyung’s best friend safely secured, but they want to hold their private ceremony first, just the two of them, even though the law won’t recognize them as married until they hand over the paperwork.
The area on the small beach where they’re going to say their vows is secluded from the public eye, near the cliffs, where the water stretches out into the horizon. It has the softest sand and the sun shines directly onto it when it sits low in the sky. It’s a good surfing spot as well, but the beach is further away from the city and not a lot of surfers seem to know of it, or want to bother driving the extra distance when there are closer breaks of similar quality to be had. It’s their little secret place, one that now is going to signify more than just surfing. He smiles automatically at the thought of it.
The lady in the flower shop sends him a genuine smile as she hands over the small bouquet of sunflowers and baby’s breath. It’s packed in protective paper to make sure nothing happens to it on the way home and next to it lies a single sunflower bound with a few pieces of baby’s breath around it for his shirt pocket. There’s a long line in the post office and as time ticks by, Sehun finds himself getting impatient. He just wants to go home. The package Mikyung has received is heavy and large and it takes a few seconds before Sehun finds the best way to carry it to the car.
As he parks in the driveway and struggles to carry it back inside, he calls for Mikyung. She pops her head out of the bedroom door with an apologetic smile and eye-liner on one eye and the other bare.
“Just put it in front of the door,” she tells him. “I’m getting ready.” She wiggles her eyebrows and laughs, before she ducks back inside the bedroom and closes the door. Sehun chuckles at her with a shake of his head. They’ve agreed not to be too formal; it’ll just be the two of them on a beach, but Sehun wants to do something extra, wants to make this perfect for her. He puts the package down and leaves the flowers on the kitchen counter. He has put his clothes in her office and as he closes the door behind him and stares at the white shirt everything suddenly becomes startlingly clear. He’s getting married today to the most amazing woman in the world. If anyone had told sixteen-year-old Sehun that he wouldn’t be marrying his current high school crush, he would have been gutted beyond repair, but being with Mikyung is better than he could have fantasized. He smiles at his reflection in the window and runs his damp palms against his pants before he changes into his clothes and gets ready.
When they arrive at the beach, the sun is slowly setting, colouring the sky in pinks and purples. Mikyung is in a simple knee-length white dress, and he’s wearing black slacks, cuffs rolled up past his ankles to avoid the wet sand, white shirt tucked loosely into his pants. The ocean in front of them is peaceful, waves licking playfully at their bare feet as they walk hand-in-hand along the water’s edge to reach their place by the cliffs. Sehun turns to look at Mikyung and they face each other, hands interlaced.
“My mother is going to hate you for this,” Mikyung says for the nth time, smiling up at him. Sehun laughs.
“So is mine, but I don’t care.”
And he really doesn’t. His mother-in-law will forgive him in due time, just like his own mother will have to do. Sehun looks out towards the ocean and takes a deep breath. His heart thumps steadily in his chest, and when he turns back to face her again, her beautiful eyes are misty.
“You say your vows first,” she says, and her smile grows even bigger. Sehun nods, feeling a little dazed. She’s just so beautiful that he doesn’t know how to contain the emotions welling up inside his chest. He wets his lips, suddenly struck by a desire to hold her and never let go. He squeezes her hands, willing himself to remember how to speak, and she gazes up at him patiently until he manages to start his vows.
“Cha Mikyung, how lucky am I to call you mine? Your love and trust makes me a better person, each and every day. You are there for my greatest challenges. You encourage me to grow. You help me believe in myself and become the person that I am today. In your arms and by your side, I know I can do anything. I'm proud to call you my wife.” Sehun would be lying if he tried to convince anyone he wasn’t crying. Mikyung’s eyes are glistening too as she reaches up to dry his cheeks with the back of her hand.
“Oh Sehun, do you remember the very first day that we met? I knew the very first moment I saw you. I knew we were meant to be together for all of our days. You have become my lover, my companion, and my best friend. There's no one else I'd want to build a life with. I get to have you by my side, my love and my husband, for eternity.”
They don’t need anyone to say, ‘you may now kiss the bride’. Sehun bends his head to meet her lips and feels her hand come up to the back of his neck. There is no one on the beach except for them and the moon that is slowly rising above the horizon. When he lets go, he sends her a smile.
“We’re married,” she whispers. Sehun nods. They’re married. Six years into their relationship and this is only the beginning. She untangles their fingers and flings her arms around him. “We’re married!” she shouts towards the sky and starts laughing and Sehun can’t help but laugh with her. He lifts her up and she swings her legs around him. Sehun keeps his hold on her and she leans down to kiss him again. There is nothing he wants more in this moment than to kiss her like this. The world can come with challenges, but there is nothing they won’t be able to fight as long as they’re together. Mikyung lets go of him and wiggles a little to be let down but Sehun only tightens his grip. She laughs at him.
“Put me down, don’t hurt yourself,” she tells him but Sehun shakes his head and buries his head in her neckline.
“Never,” he mumbles against her sun-kissed skin and when he lifts his head, he turns it towards the ocean. Mikyung follows his gaze and her eyes widen.
“You’re crazy,” she tells him. Sehun smirks at her.
“Crazy about you.”
Mikyung screams in laughter as Sehun starts running into the water, cold droplets splashing onto them. His pants get soaked immediately and when he’s out to his navel, his shirt is slowly getting soaked as well. Mikyung clings to him, laughing in happiness, and there is no better sound. He leans over and dips her down into the water and she lets go of his midsection and finds her footing on the ocean floor. She sends him a smile as the water gently caresses them.
“I love you, my crazy doctor,” she tells him and Sehun smiles shyly.
“I love you too, my...” he starts but he can’t find any words to describe her. “My Mikyung.”
She shakes her head at him and leans up to kiss him again. Sehun gently wraps his arms around her and closes his eyes. There’s nowhere he’d rather be than right here, holding his wife in his arms as the calm ocean ripples around them.