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Dwyn wasn't very good at remembering faces. Why would she bother? If it was from someone she talked to everyday, like one of her classmates or teachers, it made sense, but remembering everyone else… Were they really that important?
Unfortunately, there was one face she would never forget. No matter how much she wanted to, it was like it was branded on her brain. That was the reason she recognized the woman standing by her doorstep by that very moment.
'Dammit.' She thought, staring at the brunette.
She was expecting it to be Ailre, because they had those "lazy days" in which they would ring the doorbell to make her open the door. It was sweet, very annoying, but seeing his smile and receiving a kiss always made her day a little better.
And they had a key, always, if she just decided not to answer.
Camelia Amaryllis grinned, her blue eyes wrinkling. “Good afternoon, Dwyn. Are you going to let me in?”
Dwyn stepped aside, too baffled to do anything else. Viola hissed and ran to the living room, hiding somewhere. The cat was a lot more confident with Cosmos around.
The redhead picked her phone, going to the group chat.
Dwyn🔥:
WTHELL?
Ailre where are you
12:36 pm ✔✔
Ailre🏆:
Cosmos walking
12:37 pm ✔✔
Log🍇:
wat
12:38 pm ✔✔
Dwyn🔥:
my MOM is here?!
12:38 pm ✔✔
Log🍇:
OH WHAT
12:38 pm ✔✔
Dwyn🔥:
What the fuck do I do? Make tea?
12:38 pm ✔✔
Log🍇:
I GUESS?
is there a wikihow for
"How To Talk To Your Estranged Mother"?
12:39 pm ✔✔
“Kitchen or living room?” Camelia asked, looking over her shoulder to her daughter.
Dwyn felt a pang in her heart, it felt so indifferent because they knew nothing about each other. Well, not nothing at all, their shared interest was mechanical engineering.
Was she going to be that type of mother?
“Kitchen.” She answered, the other nodded and walked down the hallway.
Brown wavy hair, baby blue eyes, if they stood next to each other, people usually wouldn't assume they were mother and daughter. Also because her mom still looked young.
Why even call her mom when she clearly isn't?
Dwyn walked towards the kitchen, answering the messages and reassuring her two idiots that things were going to be okay. She could take it. It wasn't like she would have a meltdown.
For now.
Camelia had already made herself comfortable, sitting in one of the chairs with her legs crossed in a careless manner. Dwyn envied her, it seemed so effortless to her to appear out of nowhere on her doorstep, it had been almost three years since the last time they saw each other. Well… That time she was the one to appear on her doorstep out of nowhere.
Dwyn opened the cabinets, picking the kettle to boil the water for the tea. She could do some effort, her mother wasn’t like Angelica, who had been trying to dictate every step of her life. But at least nanna knew things that she liked, she knew her fiance's name and…
Took care of her.
Her heart tightened remembering their fight. Admitting to her grandma that she just didn’t want to live was one of the worst decisions of her life. Now it had been a couple of weeks since they last talked. She hadn't given news on the baby, or tried to apologize.
She didn’t want to apologize.
“So, I was pretty shocked” Her mother began, Dwyn turned around curiously observing her. “to receive a call from Angelica. After so many years of no contact. Can you imagine my surprise?”
Dwyn frowned, crossing her arms and leaning on the counter. “Of course, you are here.” She gestured with her hand. “Isn’t it almost the same?”
Camelia leaned into her hand raising her eyebrows. “Well, you can say that.” They stared at each other. “She called asking me if she was a bad mother.”
Dwyn rolled her eyes, even though the statement was surprising. “What did you answer?”
Dwyn🔥:
apparently grandma called her
12:52 pm ✔
idk what’s stranger
12:52 pm ✔
“The truth. She was never a great mother. Not to me.” Camelia answered.
“Which tea do you want?” Dwyn asked picking the tea set, placing it at the table, together with some biscuits they had for unexpected visits.
“English breakfast, if you have it.”
Dwyn handed the box with the various teas, picking green tea for herself. She drowned the package inside the water a couple of times before letting it sit there.
What if you were the one drowning?
“She asked what would have made it better, then we talked for a little about things that she never did to me when I was a child, yada yada yada.” Her mom continued with the story, she checked the notifications.
Log🍇:
is she nice???
12:55 pm ✔✔
Dwyn🔥:
well
idk
12:57 pm ✔✔
“Then we got, well, to you.” She took a quick sip of the steaming hot tea. “And I told her that it would have made a huge difference to me if she just let me abort.”
Her heart skipped a beat. She knew deep in her heart that was the truth all along, but hearing it in person…
Dwyn🔥:
....maybe this wasn’t a great
idea
12:58 pm ✔✔
It would be better if you were never born at all. The whole world would be better. No one needs you here. You were never wanted.
“Because it was the whole situation, my father had just died. Stupid impulsive decisions gave to stupidier ones and, well, I discovered I was pregnant. At eighteen. Of a man that left at the first second.” She poured some milk into the tea and sipped again. “Nausea, pain, having a baby growing inside me against my will.”
Dwyn placed a hand on her low belly, protectively.
“Now, I am becoming a grandma at forty. Just like my mother.”
The cycle keeps repeating. You’re nothing but a failure. You failed to be the perfect daughter. Just like your mother. Pathetic.
“She told you.” Dwyn muttered, both anger and desperation boiling inside.
Nanna had no rights to do that. If not for the whole pregnancy reveal happening at the universities group chat, just their little friend group would know.
Log🍇:
oh no
12:59 pm
do you want me to make up an
emergency to rescue you
13:00 pm ✔✔
Dwyn🔥:
no
I can do it
13:00 pm ✔✔
Log🍇:
Good luck firetruck
13:00 pm ✔✔
She couldn't, but she'd try.
“Yes. Because apparently you also were heavily considering abortion, at least according to her. Like me.”
You are the exact copy of your mother. Why bother being yourself?
Dwyn clenched her teeth. “Yes, because I am still in college.”
And she wasn't the biggest fan of children, in general. Yet, her heart skipped a beat and she smiled everytime her tiny one came to mind.
You're fated to be a bad mother. It's in your blood.
Dwyn🔥:
just... Do you want Kali
want to come for a movie
night later?
13:01 pm ✔✔
Log🍇:
yea sure
13:02 pm ✔✔
She was already feeling that rooming darkness behind her, waiting for the anger to extinguish, being with her friends would be more bearable. Dwyn looked up from the phone to her mom.
“I'm here to tell you that the ones who need to want to continue the pregnancy are you and Áine.”
“Ailre.” Dwyn corrected, it had been almost thirteen years since they met and her mother still got his name wrong.
“Yes. Your fiance. But even so, if you don't want. Talk to him, because you are the one carrying the child. You will feel all the pregnancy and if you're against it, the experience will just be worse.”
“And you're saying that by your own experience I assume.” Her statement was confirmed with a nod.
“If your fiance isn't keen in abortion. Try talking to that friend of yours, Logan? Maybe he can help. I never ever thought about having kids, and suddenly there was you to think of.” She sighed. “I had a human life in my hands and it was the most ho-terrifying thing that ever happened to me.”
Because you always were and always will be a problem.
Log🍇:
she's been on her switch all
day so i know she hasn't got
anything important lmao
13:02 pm ✔✔
Dwyn🔥:
or we can play games too
13:06 pm ✔✔
she still doesn't get your
name right Ailre
13:06 pm ✔✔
Ailre🏆:
Not surprised
13:06 pm ✔✔
Dwyn🔥:
She got Logan's right
13:06 pm ✔✔
Dwyn looked up again, her mother was just observing her. Not even to pretend to be distracted with something else. “Can you please put your phone down?” She asked with a sigh. “There are some things I want to tell you.”
The redhead rolled her eyes and hid her phone inside her pocket, leaving the ringtone on in case there was an actual emergency .
“Thank you.” Camelia said, resting her chin on both hands. “How are you feeling about the pregnancy? Do you want the baby or no?”
“I do. We do.” She answered immediately. “At first thought I thought it would be the worst thing in the world, but I really want this kid.” Dwyn finished, letting her eyes long on her stomach. “I love them.”
“This baby is a human being, they will need the baby essentials. Food, clothes, education, doctor appointments. You know that, right?”
“We are making preparations. Our savings and recent commissions are going to help a lot. I started talking to some… acquaintances, so they would try our separate brand.”
They were clients with questionable personalities, but it would be a great deal in the end. Also there were the music boxes she was going to start to sell, maybe tutoring the freshman? She had considered it, but she wasn't a teacher.
She would rather keep doing fashion related stuff.
“It's good to be prepared in advance, in case of any changes.” Her mother finished with a smile.
“I am glad that you're not forcing yourself to keep the child. But…”
Not the 'but...' , Dwyn rolled her eyes. Couldn't people mind their own business? Was that so hard? She didn't want people having a say on her life anymore. Not on her career, her love life or her family planning. Did everyone think she was incapable of taking care of things by herself?
Of course no one will leave you alone. You're pathetic.
“You should know our family, as a whole, has a problem with pregnancies.” Camelia began. “All the mothers had a very severe case of postpartum depression. Angelica never treated hers, I didn't treat mine until after I abandoned you with her.” Abandoned. “It makes you feel detached, sometimes even hate the baby. You should look for a therapist to start preparing in advance.”
Dwyn arched an eyebrow, was her mother actually worrying. “Alright. I will look into it.” She lied.
Because her first session was already booked, but her mother didn't need to know that. It wasn't like she knew her at all.
“I won't make you let me in your kids life. But I wanted to know if you would consider spending more time together.” She leaned on the table. “Not to make up for the lost time, but really to get to know each other.”
Now she wants to know. Just because you’re pregnant. Her grandchild is a lot more important than you anyways.
✁✃✁
Thirty minutes later Camelia left and Ailre arrived drenched and full of mud. She didn’t care, accepting the hug and letting the sadness down on her.
She didn't deserve anything that she had. Her family never wanted her. Ailre kissed the top of her head muttering reassurances, but she didn't want to listen to anything. Her fingers grasped at his clothes like they were a lifesaver.
They took a shower together, they listened to her summary of what had happened, nodding and commenting, mostly on the things her mom said that raised doubts.
Your kid will hate you. It's the family curse.
“You are not going to be the perfect mother. No one is. We are going to be the best parents together.”
“But what if...”
“Love, don't go to what ifs. They are going to make everything worse.” Ailre nuzzled the top of her head. “We both know that.”
She nodded, lifting her head to give them a kiss. For being there, for being who they were, just pure gratitude, because she could offer nothing more.
She didn't deserve him.
“I am going to make popcorn for the movie. Do you want to choose it?” She glanced at them behind the scarlet bangs, they brushed them aside to stare at her eyes. “Mushu?”
It was impossible not to smile at the nickname. “The rescuers.”
“Alright. What about Spirit later?”
By the time Logan and Kali arrived, they were both in cozy pajamas, all the mud had been cleaned and Ailre had just finished making popcorn. Cosmos was laying on Dwyn's feet, Viola was purring on her lap. The four of them snuggled through three movies or maybe more. At some point she fell asleep.
And woke up worse. Still on the couch, with a blanket on top of her and Ailre.
What a good host. Sleeping and leaving people alone in the middle of the visit.
She glanced at the cat tower, Viola was there watching carefully with her blue eyes, still wide awake. She gracefully jumped to the coffee table and then once more to the couch, climbing until she was on top of her owners belly. She kneaded, before laying down.
Dwyn let her hand in the air near her cat's face, waiting for her consent. Vi purred, nuzzling the palm of her hand.
“I'm really pathetic, am I not?” She muttered under her breath, the weight of the sentence multiplying tenfold. “It wouldn't make a difference, would it?”
If I was dead.
A single sniff and Viola's purr was like a little engine, feeling her human's discomfort. Dwyn didn't want to move, it would wake Ailre up but at the same time, if she stayed, he'd wake with her crying.
Always being a bother.
She focused on the purr and her own heartbeat. Even so… tears began to fall. She was never going to be a good or a decent mother to her child. She was useless.
Viola snuggled on the crook of her neck, rumbling. The redhead hugged the cat and let the tears fall, letting sobs out more frequently. She felt Ailre shift below her.
You woke them up for nothing.
“Hey...” They muttered, his voice flooding with sleepiness. “Wyn? You crying?” The sob answered it all. “Come here...”
He shifted and hugged her, making her head stay on the crook of his neck. “Why?” She let out a broken whisper.
Why were they always so good to her? Why did they love her? Why did anyone love her if she was clearly unwanted?
“You are you.” Ailre replied. “I love you. We will go through the storm together.”
She smiled and snuggled back, closing her eyes, unsure if she would be able to sleep.
The storm will go away eventually. It might take some months, but better days would come.
It was always like that.
Ailre began humming 'Love Story' while caressing her hair, it brought more tears to her eyes. It had been just a little over a day since she was singing that to him, asking for his hand in marriage. Again.
From the top of the world to the bottom of despair in a blink.