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Dwyn was looking outside the bus’ window, the houses in the area looked so similar, the only differences were mostly the entrance decorations, colorful flowers, garlands, sculptures. It was a fun change of scenery. She got out of the bus and looked around. She might even buy something for Ailre, like a sweet. There was a small bakery nearby, she walked towards the place, her hair was flying around with the morning wind, as she opened the door the bell rang.
“Good morning! What can I do for you today, miss?” The cashier greeted her with a welcoming smile.
Imagine having to smile like that when you are having a horrible day.
“Good morning, sir. What pastry would you recommend for today?” She questioned leaning to take a look at the sweets display, there were some cupcakes, a couple of macarons, tarts and pies.
“Do you have any allergies, miss? Because my personal favorite is the pecan tart.”
“Hum...” She eyed the fruit tarts, she had been craving them for a couple of days, but she always forgot to buy it. “I will take a lemon tart. And an iced tea, please.”
She paid and stepped aside to wait for her order. Someone cleared their throat, Dwyn let her face show her true emotions, she would rather not be disturbed. Her day had been going fine up until that moment.
That was until she felt someone tug at her skirt. She looked down, surprised to find a toddler. The little one had big shiny brown eyes and stared at her in awe.
“Are you a princess?” They asked, their mouth almost dropping to the floor.
Dammit. She always had problems when interacting with kids. They approached her mostly because of her hair color, it always reminded them of Ariel. The last couple of years who did the talking when that happened was Ailre. they knew how to talk to kids without making them angry, sad or disappointed.
“No, darling, I am not a princess.” She said with a smile.
“You look like the little mermaid!” The kid exclaimed happily, Dwyn internally grunted, exactly what she thought. “But she has blue eyes, you have yellow.”
“It’s true.” She emphasized, how could the kid still try to talk to her?
“I want to swim good as her!”
“Then you will have to train a lot.”
“Okay!” The kid ran back to a woman who was in line. “Mommy, the princess talked to me!”
She stared at the mother for a second before looking away annoyed. She picked up her order, thanking the guy with a smile and left the business.
Kids were exhausting, they had too much energy and to talk to a kid you had to even speak in a different way than normal. Why? She didn't know, Ailre changed their speech usually, but she could never bring herself to do the same. That had been the first time a kid actually insisted on talking to her, specifically.
She was at her doorstep picking the keys in her pocket when she heard some commotion on the other side, probably Cosmos smelled her. She opened the door and the giant puppy just came running, jumping excitedly around her.
“Hello Cosmos, did you miss me?”
She crouched and petted him, the collie sniffed her hand and licked it. She went to the kitchen and put the lemon tart in the fridge. Ailre should be home around 13h for lunch, it would be a good surprise desert. Dwyn walked back to the living room searching for her cat.
“Viola?” The cat meowed from her scratching post. “Hello beautiful.” She scratched behind her ears, the cat nuzzled on her hand giving a satisfied purr.
She gave a final scratch under her chin and went to sit on the couch and left a relieved sigh. The teacher ending the class earlier was the best thing she could have asked for, now she could just be there for the next couple of hours.
She picked up her phone. There were already some notifications from the group, Ailre was invested in the costumes for the musical and already asking people about their accessories preference.
Nicholas: there was a gigantic party yesterday
She rolled her eyes to the remark, quickly writing a response to it. Cosmos jumped on the sofa laying down on her feet.
“You're very lazy, you know that?” She asked when the dog yawned.
There was nothing to complain about besides that, the dog was a perfect warmer, moreover with his long silky fur. Dwyn made one last comment on the costumes before focusing on petting the dog, his fur was soft against her fingers, calming. She felt the weight of the day being lifted off her shoulders.
Suddenly a notification rang, by the sound it was Ailre's. She picked up smiling at the screen.
Ailre: hey love
Dwyn: I thought you had training until 12h
Ailre: it ended early ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Dwyn: just it? Do you need something?
Ailre: is your period late?
Dwyn: what?
Why?
Ailre: just curious
Is it?
She went back to the uni group chat to see if there was an explanation to why Ailre would even ask this.
Ailre: isn’t you class in like 30min?
Nicholas: nah, the teacher is not going today
she said was feeling unwell
I think she is pregnant
Pregnant?
Nicholas: she called me 3am last week
asking if I could make her paella
Ailre: that’s bizarre
Nicholas: there are other pregnancy things as well
Ailre: it’s like when Dwyn asked me last week
to make cauliflower 2am
Nicholas: …
Ailre: …
Nicholas: I am sorry to tell you, but…
What? What kind of absurdity was that? There was no way she was pregnant. Ailre and her always took the contraceptives, she never forgot the pill, they always did it safely. How could she even be pregnant? She started chuckling, Cosmos raised his head to stare at her.
Dwyn: … I AM NOT PREGNANT
Nicholas: your señorita is pregnant
Dwyn: NO
Nope
Nicholas: corazón, did you take the test?
Dwyn: NOT EVEN A SINGLE CHANGE
nope nope nope nope nope
Pregnant? What the hell she would do if she actually was pregnant? Cry? Die? It was going to be just another problem, and she always caused problems to people.
And if she was pregnant now she was no better than her mother.
She felt a lick on her leg. Cosmos was nuzzling on her knee trying to get her attention.
Cotton candy: just pee on the stick, hot head
She frowned and went back to look at the messages she sent. Oh wow, she really just dumped her thoughts without a filter.
She didn’t even write the messages right.
Ailre: Dwyn, please tell me you're okay
Dwyn: class ended very early, I'm home with cosmos and viola
Ailre: I am going to Nicholas to grab the test, if I run I think I get there in 15
She pulled her knees close to her chest and started counting, was her period late? She didn't keep track of the dates…. she started counting the weeks and…
She might be pregnant.
Dwyn turned off her phone and got up, almost running up the stairs towards her bedroom, but before she could enter another thought just stopped her. She shouldn't just curl up and cry in self pity, she should do something.
She went to the office and started picking up the copper wires and pliers. Dwyn sat on the floor twisting and turning the wires mindlessly, Viola meowed announcing her arrival. The cat laid down next to her.
After what felt like an eternity, Cosmos started barking excitedly downstairs.
“I am at the office.” She yelled, soon she heard heavy steps running up the stairs. Ailre was disheveled, panting and still with their training attire. “Did you run here?” She questioned frowning.
“Somewhat.” they fell on the floor making Viola shriek and run away. “I… I got the thing.”
“Hum.” She raised her eyebrows for a second before looking back to her work. “If it's positive, what will we do?”
“Don't you want to discuss it after the result?” Ailre questioned sliding until they was laying on the floor, the stress of running over ten blocks on adrenaline was settling on them.
“ If it ends up being positive. I'll be too shaken to even make sense.” She stated. “I would rather not have a kid.” She heard them sigh staring at the ceiling.
“I like kids… but I don't think I'm ready to be a dad.” The green eyes stared at her soul. “And you?”
“I know I'm not ready to be a mother.” She snapped a wire. “I don't know if I ever want to be one. But I am sure I won't want to give the kid to adoption.”
“Why?” they asked, frowning. “Adoption is not that bad for a kid, they can have a nice family.”
“I can't. If I ever had a kid, I promised myself that I would be the one to raise them.” She said, recalling the first meeting she had with her mom in almost a decade, the woman did not know a single thing besides her name.
Her answer made Ailre stay quiet, for long seconds.
“Okay. Do you wanna do it now?” they asked.
“Best do it now then later.”
There were three different brands that Nicholas had given Ailre, and for a good measure they used all. While they waited for the timer, they went to take a shower and she cleaned the pieces of wires that got scattered over the floor. By the time she was done Ailre was leaving the bathroom with their hair drenched, a sleeveless top and sweatpants. they hugged her from behind resting their chin on her neck, she nuzzled their face and gave them a kiss on the cheek.
“I love you.” She said.
They raised their head and gave her a nose rub.
“I love you too.” And they kissed her lips gently.
As lovable they were, there was a heavy air around them, the whole situation was taking an emotional tool that they could sense in each other. Both thinking about the slim possibility of that happening and if there was anything they could have done to prevent it.
“It's less than 5%.” they said, more to themselves than to her.
“You always made me believe the impossible.”
They walked back to the toilet, hand in hand. And without looking she picked up the three tests. She breathed deeply before looking at them.
All positive.
✁✃✁
Dwyn had that dreadness following her for months, depriving her of energy. Everyday she would get up, make her hair, makeup and follow with her day. Going to classes even though she just wanted to spend the day hugging and petting Cosmos and Viola. Force herself to make the projects when she wanted just to be curled in bed with Ailre.
All the feelings she had just exploded the moment she saw the positives. The aquarium she had carefully kept her emotions overflowed and broke in a thousand pieces at the same time. She could not handle it any longer. Tears streamed down her face like a river, she just pushed the tests to Ailre’s chest and walked away, her shoulders shaking with overpowering emotion.
She was used to anger, annoyance and love. But sadness was the worst of them all, it made her stop working completely. She could never find herself to speak when sad, the most she could do was texting. That way people didn’t hear her voice failing, shattered by the feeling.
Her legs lost almost all strength the moment she stood next to the couch. She curled up in a ball and let the first sob escape her lips.
She was pregnant, while in college, years away from graduating. Right when she was thinking about talking to her grandmother about changing majors yet again, or at least adding a minor. She cried for everything that had happened in the past months, from Ailre’s “Death anniversary” she still wasn’t over with, the model scout who stopped her in the market months prior. Or when she met the model that bullied her she had worked with during a fashion event.
Her chest was aching from the violent sobs, she pressed her body against the back of the couch, trying to disappear. Viola jumped to her legs meowning, worried blue eyes staring at her. Dwyn managed to loosen the grip she had on her shirt to let the cat into her space. Viola stretched herself, placing her head on the crook of her owner’s neck and started purring, which made her cry even more hugging her.
She was no better than her mother. In every sense or way, that positive had just proved her that no matter how much she tried, all the expectations grandmother had of her would be crushed independently. Because she was a failure, from the moment she was born, she was destined to be left. The power of creation that flowed in her veins was never able to make a single attire from zero, just adjusting and mixing existing pieces of the collection. Her beauty was not enough to make her stay on the runaways showcasing the dresses because she had been too weak to help the expansion to other places. Her major had been the latest failure, she had been incapable of continuing the fashion design program and decided to leave it all and move to mechanical engineering, just like her mother had done.
And there she was, sobbing over three positives, because that just proved once again that she would never be anything more than a failure.
Pregnant in college, just like her mother.
She heard Cosmos whining in the distance, probably Ailre had also not taken it well. Soon she heard steps coming in her direction and felt a hand being placed on her head, followed by a kiss. She leaned into the touch, feeling Ailre nuzzle against her head while gently caressing it. Her throat tightened, they was just too good.
How was she even blessed with him?
She was a nuisance for both her mother and grandmother, even when contracts were in place she would just run away. When problems appeared she created even more. And, somehow, Ailre was there through it all.
Logan too, if it wasn’t for him she probably would have turned into an empty shell long ago.
She lifted her head and stared at Ailre’s red eyes, like hers. Both had been hopeless crying because of positives. Which were supposed to mean something good.
“Do you want to have a bath?” they asked, she nodded, still not able to mutter a word. “I will go prepare it.” they kissed her forehead, she closed her eyes.
He must have said something to Cosmos right after, because the dog laid on her feet, just like a couple of hours ago. Which seemed so distant, when actually was not. She felt nothing like the person who had woken up that morning. Dwyn concentrated on Viola’s purr, trying to calm herself.
It wasn't the end of the world.
Even if that meant she would be disowned. She could still find something. She would still have her friends, her love, her passion.
She would be a failure, still. But she would have something.
It wasn't the end of the world.
Her lip was still quivering when she decided to get up, careful not to jostle the dog, her cat snuggled on her neck before jumping to the floor.
She walked up the stairs holding onto the rail because she couldn't trust her legs. She followed the sound of running water and found Ailre next to the tub testing the water, they glanced at her with a gentle smile, she mirrored it praying for it not to show the despair she had inside.
“It’s ready.” they said, turning off the tap. “Do you need help?”
Vulnerable, it was so easy to be like that to him. She nodded and turned around pulling her hair over the shoulder. they unbuttoned her dress, and folded it as she entered the tub. She sighed, being immersed in water caused such a good feeling, and submerging to drench all her hair made her feel even better.
Salty tears got mixed with the water as she cleaned herself. Scrubbing every part of her skin until she felt it was enough. She wrapped her hair on a towel, and walked to their room, Ailre was on the bed petting their dog vacantly staring at the window. She tiptoed their dresser, grabbing her underwear and one of their pajamas. A hoodie and sweatpants, she dressed quickly and sat on their bed, touching Ailre’s arm. They blinked a couple of times and looked at her, taking on her clothes.
“I grabbed your phone.” they handed it to her, she smiled thankful.
Dwyn: I am going to be disowned
Ailre: I doubt Gran Angie would do that
Dwyn: you don’t understand
Clem: jeez just bc you got knocked up??
don’t you guys live by yourselves and all that
Dwyn stared at Ailre, they was just as shocked as her. That wasn't supposed to be in the group chat. She buried her head on her hands, shaking it while chuckling. How bad could she screw up? Her boyfriend slid towards her until they touched shoulders, she could hear them typing while she cried again. How could she still have tears to shed?
She laid down on her side of the bed, curling up into a ball and hugging tightly her pillow. Her heart was racing and her chest ached so much it was starting to make her thoughts feel like fog. Like they were there but at the same time, weren’t. She felt them scoot closer to her, Cosmos body touching her back, while Ailre's presence was enough.
She closed her eyes and breathed. Probably everyone in the group would know by now that she is pregnant, it would be just a matter of time until the news reached her grandmother. Nanna would be so disappointed when she heard of it. She couldn't think… even though she needed to make a plan. But she was just so tired.
When she opened her eyes, she was laying against Ailre's chest, listening to their heartbeat while they ran their fingers across her hair, she moved her head and looked up to him. She heard her phone's ring beside her and picked it up.
Ailre: how you doing?
Dwyn: ┐(‘～`;)┌
still can't talk
Ailre: np
Log and Nicholas offered to help
If we want
Dwyn: … he is the one who has the address, right?
Ailre: ye
Dwyn: okay
She entered the group chat, reading all the messages that happened after the "Pregnancy reveal". Most people were… surprised.
Dwyn: hey, @Nicholas
can you dm me the name of the place
just in case
Nicholas: sure
She sighed relieved. Apparently it was a good place, their page had some reviews, they were mostly positive, talking about how well treated they were and the discretion of the workers there.
Ailre: do you wanna do something?
Dwyn: can we just nap?
tired
Ailre: sure
…
Do you want to have a movie night?
She frowned thinking. Did she want to interact with more people that day? She was so tired, but maybe it was good, they'd get distracted.
Dwyn: okay, call Log and orion
Kali can come too
Ailre: and if any of the others…
Dwyn: you choose
Ailre: alright
She turned off her phone and snuggled in their chest, they moved to hug her with both arms. Sleep didn't come, but it was good to just stay in silence doing nothing. The headache was slowly getting better.
She hoped her feelings also would.
“Let's go eat something. It's way past lunch.” Ailre kissed her head.
She nodded, getting up. Cosmos jumped out of the bed wiggling his tail and waited for them by the door. Walking every few meters and stopping to wait for them. She opened the cabinets to get the plates while Ailre grabbed the emergency frozen lasagna to make in the microwave. She looked again at the clinic's site.
“Do you want the kid?” She asked in a whisper, Ailre glanced at her from the counter.
“I… don't know. I was looking into some stuff, I think we could try.” They answered, taking their meal out of the microwave with the pink mints. “But I think we should talk to Angelica first.”
She agreed with that.
“Tomorrow.” She looked up. “There is no use in delaying.”
The lasagna smelled amazing, but her stomach twisted with the smell. Ailre was already taking full forks and eating it, making funny faces because of how hot it was. She chuckled, that made them stop, she could see the engines turning on their head.
“Not hungry?” Asked after swallowing,
“Not much.”
“Eat with me then, why use two plates?” They moved the pyrex aside and pulled their plate to the middle.
Dwyn remembered the first time they used that tatic to make her eat. She played a little and cut a small bite with her fork. they took one of the same size, if not smaller. They repeated it until most of the meal was gone.
“Satisfied?” She questioned leaning her head on her hand.
“Nope. Are you?”
“Yes.”
“Okay then.” They grabbed the bowl all for themselves.
She saw the notifications lighting up her phone. No one had said another word about her recently discovered problem. But...
“You didn’t send anything about the movie night.” She commented, they made a surprised sound with their mouth still full, they grabbed their phone and sent it.
Ailre: hey @Logan @orion do you want
to come for a movie night?
Orion: yes, I’ll bring some cinnamon rolls
and camomile tea
Dwyn: You’re an angel
They didn’t do anything extraordinary throughout the day, they spent the rest of the afternoon in the workshop, while they worked she was staring vacantly at her project, with no energy to do it. At least it didn’t have a due date. She looked down at Viola, who was purring loudly while enjoying the pets. Dwyn closed her eyes, just a couple more hours, that’s all she needed.
What was she even going to say to her grandmother?
✁✃✁
“I am pregnant.”
Saying the words after seeing the ultrasound somehow felt different. She was in the doctor's office staring at it and her grandmother. Ailre had just left to get some air, but she felt they were probably going to talk to Logan about the situation.
Seeing the baby made her heart sparkle with a happiness that she didn't know where it came from, she wanted to smile and giggle because it was their baby. But she had to think, because the day before she was just considering abortion because they were too young to become parents and she didn't like kids at all but…
But… that was hers.
She wanted to share those emotions and laugh and just spin around, however. The scowl on her grandmother's face made all that happiness disappear in a second, because that expression alone said a lot. How she was a disappointment, how she was reckless and naive, immature and irresponsible. A disgrace to their name.
“The baby looks healthy, but you should take care in the next few months. Avoid chamomile and cinnamon, they can stimulate contractions.”
“The baby is expected to be born in which month?” Granma questioned the doctor.
“April or May, there isn't the need to worry so much now. She is still very early.”
Dwyn looked to Nanna, she was acting all calm about the situation, so good at pretending. She could only imagine what was going through her head.
“What about abortion?” Dwyn asked and felt the death glare of Nanna on her.
“Abortion is permitted only if it inflicts great damage to your health, being it physical or mental. Otherwise it is punishable by law.” The doctor explained. “I advise seeing with your therapist about the subject and with the medical history of your family we can determine the risk of your pregnancy in the following weeks.”
“Thank you so much for welcoming us so abruptly.” The older woman smiled. “But we shouldn't take more of your time.”
“It’s not a problem, I am always glad to help.” The doctor said and looked over to the other. “Take care and congratulations.”
Dwyn gave a side smile, thanking her silently, she got out of the room without saying any goodbyes, if she spoke at all it would be worse for everyone. So she would wait until they were back home. She walked down the hallway and heard Ailre’s voice, probably on the phone.
“I don’t know what to do. The moment I saw the image… But I don’t want her to force herself to have them, or raise them.” Ailre paused. “I know, I know… I will talk with her.” She heard them chuckle lightly. “What would I do without you? Thanks, man.” She turned the corner, they looked at each other’s eyes.
“Tell Log I sent ‘hi’.” Ailre nodded.
“Well, talk to you later. Dwyn is sending hi.” With that they finished the call. “So…”
“Let’s go home.” Grandma interrupted them, her eyes glaring at them, mostly Dwyn, like glass shards. “We will talk there.”
It was a silent ride until her house, and when they finally got to the living room, her grandmother sat on her cushion. For a moment, she just stared at the couple and gave a resigned sigh.
“When are you planning to get married?”
Dwyn snorted as Ailre frowned.
“After we both finish college?” they answered, but it sounded more like a question. “Is that relevant? Aren’t we going to talk about the pregnancy?”
“No. This is out of the plans.” She started speaking as soon as they finished the word ‘college’. “No way that child is going to be born out of wedlock.” She said severely. “This would be disgraceful, since you both have been fiances for over two years.”
“Children being born out of wedlock isn’t as much of a scandall now as it was in your times.” Dwyn rolled her eyes. “The question is: will this kid be born at all?” She asked, glancing at her grandmother sideways.
The tension was so thick that suddenly it was hard to breathe. The girl felt her fiance tightening their grasp on her hand. While the older one just threw daggers. The silence was present for long seconds, maybe even minutes because they didn’t seem to process the question.
Ailre was the first to say something, still hesitant and their voice sounded hurt.
“Dwyn...”
“Are you saying you plan to commit murder? ” Nanna accused.
Dwyn could see the flashbacks that weren’t hers, of the same thing and accusation happening over twenty years prior in that same house. But she wouldn’t let her life be controlled like that. If she had that kid it would be her decision.
“What’s the problem?”
She could see the boiling anger in her blue eyes, mirroring hers.
“You will have this baby.” Nanna said with certainty. “You two will get married and raise the child.” She stared at Dwyn. “I won’t raise another one.” She finished in a much lower tone than the rest.
Golden eyes widened in shock, at the same time her brows frowned annoyed and her eyes burned her grandmother’s face.
“Ailre. The lady in the shop said she needed your help with the dress.” She said without taking her eyes off her grandmother.
“Hum? What?” Ailre said, confused, she knew they had probably missed the last part.
“Go help her, son.” Their boss said.
“Do you really want me to leave?” they whispered in her ear, she nodded.
“Go.”
“See you in fifteen.” they kissed her lips quickly and left, the moment the door closed again, she spoke.
“Let me quote you again. “I won’t raise another one”, right?” Dwyn got up. “If you are so tired of raising kids, why did you decide to raise me?”
“And did I have a choice?”
“Of course you had! Like you obligated mom to have me, you could also just throw me to her, or let me go to an orphanage, whatever was the most convenient!” She blurted out, turning around and moving her hands widely. “But noooo. You had to keep me here for some god forsaken reason!”
“You are my fam-”
“Family? What do you have to say about family? The last time you talked to your daughter was over five years ago!” Her voice started rising as she paced across the room.
“That’s it! Dwyn, I handled your teenage tantrums for too long but..” The woman said in her most strict tone, but that wasn’t enough to stop the fire from spreading.
“Oh? You handled them? Sorry I didn’t notice.” Dwyn turned viciously. “Because in none of them I remember you being there.”
“That’s because you’re always so self centred! You think you’re the only one who has to go through struggles? Everything must stop just because you said so?” Angelica walked towards her. “I am sorry to break the news to you, but that is not how the world works.”
“Really? Okay, if you’re being so general.” She moved her hand in an arch. “About my tantrums, name one of them. And tell me what the fuck you did.”
Blue eyes widened and the woman frowned in frustration.
“Dwyn! That language is-”
“Oh for fucks sake! You think I care?” She screamed. “Do you really think I care about it right now? Screw what you think! Screw what you believe is proper! I. Don’t. Care.” She snared the last words.
“You were raised correctly, you should...”
“Was I? Because if I was, why did I end up so much like a failure?”
“Sometimes I wonder.”
Dwyn stopped abruptly on her tracks, her back to her guardian, family.
“Then I think you must be doing something wrong.” She turned around. “Because you raised both of us.”
“Are you going to put the blame on me? After everything I did? After all the time I put into raising you?”
“You say it like it was an obligation!”
“Because it was!”
Dwyn couldn’t remember what they were screaming about because she just exploded at that moment and her mouth started moving almost out of her control, she just wanted to throw everything she had inside her, eliminating everything within her mind and heart. There was too much going through her head at that moment, coming and going, being blurted out in that fight to see who was the loudest.
“You would never been born if it was for her!” Angelica screamed.
“Maybe it would be better!” She retorted. “Better than being raised by you.” That made the other freeze in place, but Dwyn could not stop now. “If I was dead from the beginning, I wouldn’t long to die.”
She turned around, picked up her purse and left through the door, slamming it on her way out. Fortunately, at the same time Ailre was leaving the shop, they stared at her with worried eyes before they could start she shook her head.
“I am going home. By bus, foot, whatever. But I am not spending a single second longer in here.”
✁✃✁
That first day was just a burst of anger, she just calmed down in the final minutes of it, deciding to leave everything on the side to pick up her forgotten savings book and make a plan. See if they could support a kid with the life they had now, moreover with the possibility she lost her allowance and such.
After one hour of sleep she was feeling extra energetic and just started cleaning the house, gave food to her pets and decided to walk Cosmos to the nearby park. Later she had the first of many teas with Eliza, then talked to Órion and thought that going out in a club would be good for a change.
Friday was magical, because everything was just going so great. She finally told Ailre she actually wanted to have the baby, she danced with her fiance until they were exhausted. The week went as perfect as it could have been.
That was…
Until her mother appeared at her doorstep.