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It started small and it was supposed to stay that way, really. It’s just that they were the Marauders, and that alone tended to make many things get out of hand very quickly.
They were just out of Hogwarts, moved into a quaint four bedroom townhouse in London, quite near Diagon. The world was dark and terrible but their house was bright and warm – full of the important kinds of friendship and closeness and love. There was so much love.
James and Lily shared the bedroom on the top floor away from everyone else. They got to choose rooms first – because Lily was the only girl – and she liked the skylights and the balcony and the sloped ceiling, even if it was essentially an attic.
Peter had the room on the second floor closest to the stairs. He was an insomniac, always took the strangely timed night watch shifts – was in and out the most, working for both the Ministry and Dumbledore. He hadn’t wanted to wake his friends with his comings and goings, so even though the room was small and everyone had protested – he insisted that the room be his. Coincidentally, it became the favourite room in the house. Remus and Lily could often be found curled up on Peter’s bed or his floor, exchanging stories or jokes or just reading quietly in their own little worlds.
Remus and Sirius each had their own rooms. It was mostly because they had thought their friends had no idea when they all moved in, hadn’t wanted anyone to suspect until they were ready to tell them, and hadn’t been ready. The other three had let it go on until the lease had been signed before telling their friends that, under no uncertain terms, they were loved exactly as they were. As long as the sex was quiet, Peter had added, since their rooms all shared a small floor of the house and were very close together.
Sirius had taken it upon himself to furnish the living room and kitchen in as muggle of a way as possible, which was how they ended up with comfortably atrocious mismatched furniture, badly knitted wool blankets (Sirius had insisted on learning how to knit the muggle way), and a toaster and kettle. Lily had to teach them how to use everything – neither Peter nor Remus had the patience, and tended to give improper instructions that led to disastrous results.
Everything was perfect – as perfect as things could be in wartime, anyways.
Peter was the only single one, so when Remus had whispered to Lily that they ought to do something for him in the week leading up to Valentines, she had readily agreed. They got him a small teddy bear from the local supermarket which they carefully enchanted to grow to the height of the ceilings. It was perched behind his door, filling most of Peter’s room.
They placed it in Peter’s room while he was on a night shift and found him asleep on the couch the next morning. He had been too tired to get into his room the night before – he couldn’t figure out why the door wouldn’t open and had been too tired to care. He was right miffed at first, but when Lily and Remus revealed the teddy bear he became rather gleeful, but made them promise that it would be a normal size next time, before shrinking it down into something that was just slightly oversized. It took up a corner of his bed, now, smiling it’s teddy bear smile at anyone who entered Peter’s room.
Sirius had thought the idea was brilliant, though not near mischievous enough. He was the next to approach Remus, the day after the teddy bear debacle, intent on giving James and Lily and similarly extraordinary Valentines gift. They shut themselves in Remus’ room for half the morning, plotting the most inconvenient way to show their love to their best friends.
It took some research on their part. What was the best way to simultaneously show love to and embarrass their friends in equal measure? It was Sirius’ devious mind who came up with the perfect solution in three simple words.
Balloon animal condoms.
It took quite a bit of research on muggle contraceptives and they weren’t entirely sure that James would understand the joke, but it made Remus laugh until he cried and that was enough to convince Sirius that it was the best idea he had ever had.
On the night of February 9th, when Lily and James were asleep and unsuspecting, Remus, Sirius, and an eager Peter (who they had roped into their plans) went to work. It was ultimately decided that Remus was the best man for the job, so he went off to the supermarket to buy no less than two-hundred condoms. It was the same cashier who had sold the teddy bear to him earlier that week. The cashier remembered him. Remus had never been more embarrassed and even allowed the cashier to sell him three large bottles of personal lubricant simply because he wasn’t entirely sure how to say no.
Sirius was gleeful when Remus retold the story and insisted the next time the same cashier was on shift they should go in hand and hand for some chocolates. Peter became so hysterical with his laughter that he had to go have a shower to calm down.
It took plenty of spell work, and so much laugher they were all sure they would wake their friends. In the end, the sitting room and kitchen were covered in balloon animal condom stags and does that were enchanted to prance around the house singing “Here Comes the Bride” as soon as James and Lily appeared downstairs. None of them slept that night, they all wanted to be the first person to witness the chaos the next morning.
They inevitably fell asleep in a pile on the couch as they often did. All three were woken to the shrieks of Lily and the opening notes of the song. She seemed torn between laughing and crying. James had Order business to attend to that day and was late because Lily had to explain to him the function of a condom so he would understand the joke.
Of course, this simply meant that James wanted revenge. He recruited Lily to help him. Remus could take a joke so well that they had to spend two days planning the best way to get back at him before ultimately deciding that their own entertainment was paramount to his level of embarrassment.
The charm work was tricky, but they were smart. They gifted Remus a stuffed small grey wolf and Sirius a stuffed black dog that were attached to the boys with a spell as soon as they touched the corresponding animal. The spell animated the animals, causing them to follow each boy wherever they went. Sirius even thought it was cute, initially.
That was, until they realized that whenever they were in close proximity, both toys began screaming “GAY SEX” in a voice that was so close to the sound of Minerva McGonagall’s voice it was uncomfortable.
Sirius shut himself in his room for a whole day until he got too hungry to stay hidden away. Lily and James refused to take the charm off until they absolutely had to, which resulted in Remus following Sirius around just to hear McGonagall shout “GAY SEX” every time they were in near proximity.
Eventually the embarrassment wore off, and Sirius figured out that if they ambushed the others in a coordinated attack it embarrassed them (less so Lily but especially Peter). This meant that Remus and Sirius took to sneaking around the house, jumping on Peter and every opportunity and sandwiching him between them in a bear hug so that McGonagall’s voice would scream “GAY SEX GAY SEX GAY SEX” and Peter would get flustered and uncomfortable and they would hold onto him until one of them inevitably collapsed from laughter and he could get free.
This lasted until Sirius had to go out on a proper mission one day so Lily took the charm off the toys. Remus created a shrine for them in their living room, stating emphatically that it was the best Valentine’s day gift he had ever gotten. They all swore to never tell McGonagall.
This, of course, gave Peter the drive to exact his own revenge. He enlisted the help of James, determined to get back at Sirius and Remus and Lily in the largest and most inconvenient way possible. Their brainstorming did not take as long as it did James and Lily to brainstorm, given the fact that Peter was secretly a pranking mastermind. They were also on a time crunch, given that the next day was, in fact, Valentines.
Of course, they weren’t the only people plotting in the house by that point. Lily was simultaneously plotting with Sirius to help him give Remus an excellent (if not a little silly) Valentine’s gift while Remus plotted with Lily to help her give James an excellent (if not a little silly) Valentine’s gift, while Peter plotted with Remus to help him give Sirius a Valentines gift and Sirius plotted with James to help give Lily a Valentines gift and Peter plotted by himself to give all his friends a Valentines gift and they each plotted on their own to give Peter a grand Valentines gift (but not a giant teddy bear).
Somehow, the end result was six cakes (two of which where set to explode), a near mountain of chocolates, a living room that rained affirmations (such as “you’re a great friend” and “your arse is hot”), a custom five animal wood carving (a dog, a wolf, a stag, a doe, and a rat) that occasionally threw insults at any passers-by, two garden gnomes that were instructed to follow Sirius and Remus around, kicking their ankles while screaming “I love you, you prat,” twenty singing valentines, and, for some reason, a signed picture of Dumbledore.
The house was so cramped and confused on Valentine’s morning that James broke his ankle, Sirius ended up head first in a cake, Remus punted a gnome so hard that it broke the ceiling light, and Peter and Lily cowered in a corner laughing hysterically as the chaos unfolded.
It might have been the best Valentines ever –
But Lily did make them promise that no amount of chaos, especially garden gnomes with a mission, was ever allowed in the house again.
Each of the Marauders individually noted that she had said nothing about chaos in the backyard.