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It wasn’t unusual to rest with your loved one, right? But if so why did Mayoi feel so stirred up and filthy?
Tatsumi was still beside him, even breathing, likely deep into the nap that they were taking together. Or supposed to be. Mayoi was still up, tracing his face with his own unworthy eyes, feverish thoughts of reaching and touching that face, of doing more than just-
Oh, he was far from worthy to even lay beside him like this. If Tatsumi knew what he was thinking, he never would have confessed to him! If he knew what corrupt, vile thoughts ran in Mayoi’s head whenever he was next to him like this, defenseless and completely open…
“Are you having trouble sleeping, Mayoi-san?”
He jolted back, hitting the bed frame. Tatsumi’s eyes were still closed and Mayoi wondered if that had been some absurdly specific sleep talk before Tatsumi continued.
“Careful with your back. Your body is already sore from practice. That’s why we’re here, after all.”
Mayoi just about managed to stutter out a stunned response. “No, no, no, no trouble at all! I’m just… agh… readjusting!”
Tatsumi hummed softly. “Is that really the case? What plagues you, Mayoi-san? Confess and you’ll feel much lighter… ♪”
He shivered. “To confess things like that to you… I don’t want to subject you to my scumminess.”
“Scum? You wouldn’t be seen as such a way in the eyes of God.”
“I don’t want to be seen by God!” Just then, he felt bashful, flushing. “I just want to be seen by you.”
There was silence long enough for Mayoi to consider jumping away into a vent and scuttling off into the darkness like the disgusting creature he is but before he could make any move, Tatsumi’s eyes opened.
The smile that was turned upon him… It was a wonder it didn’t cause him to burn away on the spot, completely exorcised in its radiance. But even then, he could sense a type of slyness about it, the lazy upturn on the corner of his mouth so unlike the other faces Tatsumi had worn before. Those faces were all redemption and restoration. This face… This was Lucifer right before the fall.
“Fufu… I have told you not to look at me as some type of God before, right, Mayoi-san? There is quite a lot of distance between a god and his worshipper… I would hope you’re not putting the same distance between us.” He leaned in suddenly, hand coming up to Mayoi’s face and Mayoi swore that he could hear the beating of his heart. “I have not always been so forgiving and well tempered. God knows my thoughts and they have not always been of the purest. Even now…” Slowly, gently, his finger lingered on Mayoi’s beauty mark. “Maybe you would run if you knew what I was thinking.”
Mayoi could hardly breathe. He was frozen under his gaze. That single fingertip on a fraction of his skin was enough to make him feel like he was being touched by a piece of heaven. But rather than that heaven being closed off to him… It had come for him first. He revelled in it, he craved it, he-
He nestled into that outstretched hand instead of running from it and Tatsumi’s smile grew ever fonder.
“So don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind, hm? In the end, it’s not the question of who is or isn’t a sinner… Just who is willing to lay them out upon the altar~”
Voice dripping with vulnerability, enough to make him feel embarrassed just for saying the words, he asked, “Would laying them out on you be enough instead?”
Tatsumi’s eyes widened just a bit before relaxing. Voice, reverent as if he’s reciting a prayer, said, “You could lay anything on me Mayoi-san… Bearing a cross like that is something I am completely willing to do.”
“Forcing you to carry the weight of my own sins…” He closed his eyes. Focused on that piece of heaven for as long as he could have it. “I’m absolute trash.”
“Mayoi-san…” Disappointed in him, perhaps he was realising how hopeless Mayoi really was, how far beyond any type of grace. “May I kiss you?”
His eyes shot open and he felt as if he had been struck with a fever just then. “Huh?”
Tatsumi’s face was sharp in the soft light and oh so determined, the same sort of determination that popped up on his face during a performance. “May I kiss you?”
“W-Why would you want to?”
“Why wouldn’t I want to?”
“I’m filthy! I’m disgusting, I’m hopeless, I’m-“
“The same as me. Mayoi-san. May I kiss you?”
Perhaps it’s the look in Tatsumi’s eye. Perhaps it’s the resolve and desperation as he talks. Perhaps it’s because it’s him who’s asking.
But he nods and let’s Tatsumi make good on that request.
And to think he thought it was just the touch that was a piece of heaven… All of it, combined … It’s the angel’s choir at the gates, opening it wide open, even to him. Mayoi was terrified of God but if this was what He promised, he would croon his hallelujahs from the bottom of his black heart. Let them add his voice to the choir and he would sing until his throat was hoarse if it meant another second of this .
They broke apart and Tatsumi’s soft pants may have made Mayoi lose his mind right then because it’s Mayoi who leans in again.
He’s greedy. So greedy. Because he wants to devour him, swallow him whole, let him be the only one who gets a taste. Pulling him in, his hands scramble against his body, wanting any piece of him, every piece of him. Tatsumi pressed into that embrace and Mayoi thinks of not letting him go, ever, of keeping him here forever and ever and ever and ever-
He broke them apart, gasping a bit from his own thoughts. What was he doing? Did he really think he was worthy of this? He pushed himself to the other side of the bed, wanting to curl in on himself. Maybe there was still time to run away? But he didn’t want to disappoint him, not more than he already did, then he always did because he wasn’t capable of doing anything, he wasn’t-
“Mayoi-san?”
He shuddered, unable to answer. To breathe, he needed to breathe, he-
“Breathe with me Mayoi-san. Focus on me.”
He followed the steady rise and fall of Tatsumi’s chest. Synced himself to it, as best as he could. He finally felt his body deflate and hid his face in his hands.
“Sorry! I’m sorry, I-I don’t know why I panicked, I enjoyed it, I don’t know why-”
“It’s okay.” He paused. “May I hold you?”
Mayoi peeked up between his fingers. Tatsumi didn’t look like he was joking. “Y-You still want to?”
“Of course I do… Come closer.” Tatsumi opening his arms to him is a bit too much for Mayoi to look directly at and he hides his unworthy face in Tatsumi’s welcoming chest. Like this, he can hear the thudding of his heart. He imagines opening up his chest, blood and all, and curling up next to that heart.
There was something in that silence. Maybe it was the holiness that Tatsumi spoke so much about. But Mayoi thought he wouldn’t mind dying in that moment. Not even slightly. When he was this close to him, chest to chest…
“Do you feel how close we are, Mayoi-san?” Whispery, like a secret just between the two of them. “Can you feel my heart beating? I want to stay this close with you in every way I can… Would that be okay?”
This type of kindness, this type of love would absolutely kill Mayoi someday. But today…
“I-It’s okay… It’s okay.”