Chapter Text
4:37 PM, Thursday
Leo Valdez has created a group chat
Leo Valdez has named the chat cHiLdReN oF gOd
Leo Valdez has added Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase, Hazel Levesque, Frank Zhang, and Piper McLean to the group chat.
Leo Valdez: sup bitches
Leo Valdez: wait
Leo Valdez: these usernames wont do
Leo Valdez has changed their name to Badboisupreme
Badboisupreme: sup
Badboisupreme has changed Percy Jackson to Seaweed brain, Annabeth Chase to Wise Girl, Hazel Levesque to Resurrectedgorl, Frank Zhang to B.e.e.z, and Piper McLean to Impretty.gae
Impretty.gae: yo
Impretty.gae: how is everyone?
Impretty.gae: im gay now and a she/they
Wise Girl: Hey Pipes!
Wise Girl: That’s cool.
Seaweed brain: tbh, idont think any of us are straggots.
Wise Girl: Maybe just Hazel and Frank.
B.e.e.z: Um, I’m actually panro demisexual. Reyna helped there
B.e.e.z: But, yes, Hazel is straight
Seaweed brain: where is she anywaus?
B.e.e.z: Doesnt know how technology works
B.e.e.z: Im trying to teach her, but Im no expert.
B.e.e.z: Just look at my typing,,, ugh
Resurrectgorl: ih? Am is this righebfdg,<<
Badboisupreme: lmaooo
Badboisupreme: frank, go help ur gf b4 she breaks her ohone-
B.e.e.z: Sure
4:43 PM, Thursday
B.e.e.z: She’s tired, but she wants to add Nico to the chat
Seaweed brain: chill
Wise Girl: Yeah
Wise Girl: Speaking of adding people…
Wise Girl has added Magnus Chase to the group chat
Magnus Chase: what?
Wise Girl: Hey Magnus!
Badboisupreme: whos this bitch?
Magnus Chase: wow,,,
Magnus Chase: i’m feeling super welcome here.
Wise Girl: Hush. Leo, this is my cousin Magnus, Magnus this is my friend Leo.
Magnus Chase: coolio
Magnus Chase: can I add some people?
Wise Girl: Sure
Seaweed brain: hi
Magnus Chase: hey there Percy
Magnus Chase has added Alex Fierro, Samirah al-Abbas, Blitzen, Hearthstone, Mallory Keen, Halfborn Gunderson, and Thomas Jefferson Jr. to the group chat
Alex Fierro: magnus what the fUck?
Alex Fierro: wait-
Alex Fierro has changed their name to Badbitchwatermelon (she/her)
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): ye
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her) has changed Magnus Chase to Beantown, Samirah al-Abbas to Airplane, Blitzen to Hairystyles, Hearthstone to Rune.Lord, Mallory Keen to British, and Halfborn Gunderson to Mead.
Mead: nice.
British: I AM NOT BRITISHYOUBITCH
British has changed their name to Imnotbritish
Imnotbritish: SUFFER FIERRO
Imnotbritish: S U F F E R
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): haha salty much???
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): ok boomer
Beantown: HEY!
Beantown: alex… you didn’t…
Beantown: you just ok boomer’d her I-
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): that i did, beantown
Seaweed brain: sup Fierro
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): oh hey percy
Badboisupreme: who r these bitches???
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): ur worst enemies.
Beantown: lol
Thomas Jefferson Jr.: Simp
Beantown: *gasp*
Thomas Jefferson Jr.: Also, why haven’t I gotten a cool nickname?
Thomas Jefferson Jr.: I deserve one.
Thomas Jefferson Jr. has changed their name to Gun
Gun: All better now my friends
Gun: We can do introductions
Wise Girl: Not yet, T.J.
Seaweed brain: I hate to admit it, but Annabeth is rite
Badboysupreme: you defintly do not hate 2 admit that
Seaweed brain: hush now, child
Seaweed brain: now, we have to add a bunch of bitcgea
Seaweed brain: *bitches
Seaweed brain has added Nico di Angelo, Thalia Grace, and Reyna Ramirez-Arellano to the group chat
Nico di Angelo: wHAt?>
B.e.e.z: He probably doesnt know how to use a phone
B.e.e.z: Lets add Will
B.e.e.z has added Will Solace to the group chat
Will Solace: Let me help
Will Solace has changed their name to Dr. sunshine
Dr. sunshine has changed Nico di Angelo to Death boy
Dr. sunshine: I’ll try to teach mr. dark lord how to use his phone
Wise Girl: Thanks Will.
Dr. sunshine: np he needs to be taught this shit and no one else is doing it so
Dr. sunshine: I’m at your service ig
Seaweed brain has changed Thalia Grace to Pinecone.face and Reyna Ramirez-Arellano to RARA
Pinecone.face: fuck u
Seaweed brain: no ew
Pinecone.face: u know full well that i’m aroace and would never fuck u
RARA: Thalia, we have to go.
RARA: By the way, hi Nico! I miss you!
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): heteros??? *vomit*
Seaweed brain: lmao no
Seaweed brain: Reyna’s a hunter, so no romance or anuthyng
Seaweed brain: and neeks is the gayest motherfucker who ever lived
Dr. sunshine: He is
Dr. sunshine: And that’s coming from me, who is very gay.
Pinecone.face: add gman perce
Seaweed brain: will do, hes ma best friend 4evr
Seaweed brain has added Grover Underwood
Seaweed brain has changed Grover Underwood to Goat
Goat has added Juniper
Juniper has changed their name to Lowkeysalty
Goat: True
Goat: But ily
Lowkeysalty: <3
B.e.e.z has added Lavinia Asimov to the group chat
Lavinia Asimov has changed their name to Pinkhairedjewess
Pinkhairedjewess: yo yo yo
Pinkhairedjewess: can i add my gf
B.e.e.z: You two are still together???
Pinkhairedjewess: uhhh yea
B.e.e.z: I mean sure, add her
Pinkhairedjewess: I was gunna do it enyways
B.e.e.z: Of course you were
Pinkhairedjewess: don’t act so surprised
Pinkhairedjewess has added Poison Oak to the group chat
Poison Oak: ffs vinia
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): I like the pink haired jewess
Poison Oak: hands off my geef u bitch
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): jeesz, i wasn’t planning on anything
Beantown: yeah, watermelon’s taken.
Beantown: by me
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): Posiom oak u lowkey a bitch
Beantown: itchy bitchy
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): i lov u
Beantown: wjegfbkjgoi really???
Beantown: FINALLY
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her) has changed Poison Oak to Itchy bitchy
Pinkhairedjewess: babe that is kinda funny
Itchy bitchy: whatever
Impretty.gae: more le$beans???
Pinkhairedjewess: at your service
Pinkhairedjewess: poison oak doesn’t label herself tho
Itchy bitchy: yuh
Impretty.gae: cool can i add my gf???
Impretty.gae: she is mortal tho
Impretty.gae: but she knows the shit
Wise Girl: Are we going to finally “meet” Shel?
Impretty.gae: yeah igues
Impretty.gae has added Shel to the group chat
Shel: yo piper’s friends.
Shel: how is everyone?
Pinkhairedjewess has changed Shel to Gas.station
Impretty.gae: HA
Impretty.gae: thats great pink hair
Gas.station: rkjbkgbkerjb
Gas.station: yes, i like this.
Gun: Is that everyone?
Gun: Can we do introductions now?
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): yeah, name pronouns and smth cool, idk
Beantown: a fun fact about ourselves.
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): *sigh* alrighty
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): I’m Alex Fierro, child of Loki
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): im genderfluid, so my pronouns’ll change whenever i shift genderz
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): I do pottery and like green and pink
Beantown: coolio
Beantown: Im Magnus Chase, son of Frey, he/him/his
Beantown: Idk a fun fact, but Im pansexual
Seaweed brain: Percy Jackson at ur service
Seaweed brain: yuhhhreiubktrbb
Wise Girl: Percy stubbed his toe really hard.
Wise Girl: Give him a minute…
Wise Girl: While we’re at it, I’m Annabeth Chase, daughter of Athena, she/her pronouns, and I have a knife.
Gas.station: no wonder she was your gay awakening, pipes-
Impretty.gae: nO
Impretty.gae: SHEL SHE WASNT SUPPOSD T KNWWWW
Seaweed brain: i don blame u
Seaweed brain: entryways
Seaweed brain: Im percy jackson, son of poseidon
Seaweed brain: he/him
Seaweed brain: i have a pen sword and i’ve been thru hell
Death boy: smae
Seaweed brain: ayyy neeks!
Death boy: do not call me that, perseus
Death boy: Will says i should introduce myself
Death boy: I’m niCo
Death boy: shit
Death boy: I’m Nico di Angelo, son of Hades
Death boy: he/him
Death boy: I like McDonaldz
Seaweed brain: neeks with the modern lingo
Death boy: again
Death boy: do not call me that
Death boy: Will, go
Dr. sunshine: Okay mr. dark lord
Dr. sunshine: I’m will solace, son of apollo. I use he/him/his pronouns.
Dr. sunshine: i glow
Beantown: no way! me too!
Beantown: when i heal!
Dr. sunshine: You’re a healer too???
Dr. sunshine: healer boi gang
Impretty.gae: I AM PIPER MCLEAN DAUGHTER OF APHRODITE SHE/THEY AND I CAN BASICALLY MIND CONTROL VIA CHARMSPEAK OKAY I HAVE TO GO FOR A BIT BYE
Gas.station: ummm, i also have to go, but i’m shel, piper’s gf. she/her. just a plain mortal. i like Dune and have a nose piercing byeeeee
Gas.station: it was also nice meeting you guys
Pinkhairedjewess: thy’re so totally going to make out rn
Pinkhairedjewess: gotta love that for them
Pinkhairedjewess: anyways, i’m Lavinia Asimov, daughter o’ Terpsichore, she/her/herz
Pinkhairedjewess: my dad’s a Russian ballet dancer and i like pink bubblegum
Itchy bitchy: I am Poison Oak, but you guys can call me Po
Itchy bitchy: im a dryad and i use she/her pronouns
Itchy bitchy: i too like pink bubblegum and i hardcore ship Korrasami from LoK
Dr. sunshine: I love that show
Dr. sunshine: and ATLA
Death boy: and Star Wars.
Dr. sunshine: STARWARSISGOODNICO
Death boy: hush
Itchy bitchy: who goes next???
Airplane: I’m Sam, (unfortunate) daughter of Loki, female pronouns please.
Airplane: She/her, I mean.
Airplane: I’m going to be a pilot one day, hence the username “airplane”.
Airplane: I’m going to add my betrothed to the chat, is that all right?
Beantown: YES BRING THE FALAFEL MANZ WOOHOO
Airplane: …
Airplane: Alright
Airplane: His name is Amir Fadlan. He’s mortal and already confused, so be gentle.
Airplane has added Amir Fadlan to the group chat
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her) has changed Amir Fadlan to Confusedfalafelguy
Confusedfalafelguy: What?
Badbitchwatermelon (she/her): Surprise, surprise. The Greek and Roman gods exist, too
Confusedfalafelguy: Oh my
Wise Girl: And the Egyptian ones.
Confusedfalafelguy: My brain hurts…
Beantown: hey there Fadlan!
Confusedfalafelguy: …
Confusedfalafelguy: Magnus?
Beantown: that’s my name
Confusedfalafelguy: I-
Confusedfalafelguy: I need to sit down. I need a nap.
Badboisupreme: right, Im next cuz I have to work on smth with Jo over here but Im Leo Valdexz, he/they, papa’s Hephaestus and I like to build things bye
Hairystyles: a dwarf?
Hairystyles: joking, I’m Blitz. I’m a dwarf and son of Freya, he/him, and I have the best fashion sense on the East Coast.
Rune.Lord: He does.
Rune.Lord: I’m Hearthstone
Rune.Lord: I am an elf and I do magic.
Beantown: hes also deaf, so no audio or video calls for him
Death boy: I know ASL
Dr. sunshine: SINCE WHEN?!
Dr. sunshine: I should know these things nico i’m your boyfriend
Death boy: shut up
Deathboy: I’m smart, that’s how I know ;)
Dr. sunshine: Ohmygods you just used a winky face i love you so much <3
Death boy: I guess i love you too William
Seaweed brain: awww
Imnotbritish: I’m Mallory keen and Istg I will kill yaa
Imnotbritish: daughter of Fr*gg she/they and i have knives
Mead: HALFBORN GUNDERSON HERE IM A VIKING BOY PRONOUNS HE/HIM AND I HAVE A BUNCH OF LIT. DEGREES
Gun: I’m T.J. and I’m a son of Tyr!
Gun: He/him and I like guns and video games.
Pinecone.face: Thalia, Zeus child, hunter of Artemis, can’t talk rn
Pinecone.face: I’m doin hot gurl shit
RARA: Reyna, Bellona child, hunter of Diana, I also can’t talk rn
Resurrectedgorl: IAMHAZEL
Seaweed brain: oh my gods…
Resurrectedgorl: DAUGHTEROFPLUTOSHEHERHERSANDIMBASICALLYANEARTHBENDERACCORDINGTOFRANK.
B.e.e.z: She’s learning.
B.e.e.z: I’m Frank, he/him, son of Mars, and I’m a praetor of the Twelfth Legion at Camp Jupiter!
Seaweed brain: congrats on that btw dude
B.e.e.z: still can hardly believe it…
Resurrectedgorl: ME NEITHER
Wise Girl: She made a space!
6:24 AM, Friday
Dr. sunshine: DEATH BOY
Wise Girl: Oh no…
Dr. sunshine: NICO DI FUCKING ANGELO
Seaweed brain: hza waht ???
Dr. sunshine: NICO
Deathboy: I’m asleep.
Dr. sunshine: WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING ON TELLING ME THAT YOU’RE NOT FUCKING VACCINATED???
Death boy: ...huh?
Dr. sunshine: Neeks, you’re not vaccinated.
Death boy: Im not dead
Dr. sunshine: My bf will NOT be an anti-vaxxer. You’re coming to the infirmity nico, right now.
Death boy: no ew needles
Death boy: you’re not sticking anything in me.
Dr. sunshine: That’s not what you were saying last night.
Death boy: WILLIAM
RARA: WILLIAM
Wise Girl: WILLIAM
Seaweed brain: UR LIKE SIXTEEN
Wise Girl: WILL WHAT-
Dr. sunshine: You walked right into that one, death boy. Now come get your vaccines.
Death boy: …
Death boy: fine
Wise Girl: Do we need to give them the talk?
Seaweed brain: nah, they already doin it. Besides, they’re 16
Wise Girl: Fair point, Kelp Head…
10:09 AM, Friday
Badboisupreme: get it nico!
Death boy: fuck off valdez
Death boy: no one fucking asked
Death boy: motherfucker
Badboisupreme: I fuck nothing and no one
RARA: Ace gang wya?
RARA: here!
Pinecone.face: here!
Badboisupreme: here!
Hearthstone: Demisexual here
B.e.e.z: Same!
Gun: Aroace over here. Is that the right term?
Badbitchwatermelon (he/him): yep
Badbitchwatermelon (he/him): you got it tj
Pinecone.face: glad to see I’m not alone :-)
Gun: Do you like shooting things?
Pinecone.face: with ma bownarrow
Gun: Let’s be best friends.
Pinecone.face: youre the only acceptable man
Pinecone.face: ever
Seaweed brain: hEY!
Pinecone.face: oh yuh, and my late brother Jason
Pinecone.face: i miss him…
Death boy: don’t we all?
Death boy: he was the best of us
Death boy: but a self-sacrificial fuck
Impretty.gae: yeah
Impretty.gae: hes in elysium now
Beantown: he’s the brick guy?
Gun: They were just grieving, Magnus.
Beantown: Fuck, sorry.
Badbitchwatermelon (he/him): cmon mags
Badbitchwatermelon (he/him): be better
Beantown: isaidsorryalex
Beantown: I know what it’s like to grieve
Badbitchwatermelon (he/him): I kinda wanna kill you rn
Beantown: bye guys
Badboisupreme: ...wtf
Wise Girl: They’re already dead, Leo. Don’t worry.