Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

001
While in Decon with Mal and Trip
After Phlox made them both strip
Hoshi screamed, “Don’t you dare!”
With a big wide-eyed stare
And Archer made Freudian slips.

002
That stoic Brit Officer, Reed
Had stashed quite a large bag of weed
While toking up large
Imagined himself a garage
And swallowed two (shuttle)pods with speed.

003
Poor Cutler, quite lacking for suitors,
cried, “abstinence drives this girl scooters!
I must need a sukoshi
non-cleavage — like Hoshi —
or siliconed Vulcanized hooters!”

004
With senior officers preparing to dine
Travis said, “The bridge is now mine.”
The time was at hand
To make some commands,
But the writers failed to give him some lines.

005
A quisling in latex named Daniels
Whose time hops had angered his spaniels
Had a point to be made
So he said they’d be spayed
If they didn’t stop chewing his manuals!

006
Mal went to Decon with Trip
To avoid infecting the whole ship
They slathered with gel
Trip let out a yell
Cause Malcolm had made a lewd slip

007
Enterprise was a powerful ship,
Well maintained by her engineer, Trip.
But when ratings were low
Off to Decon he’d go
And down to his skivvies he’d strip!

008
Buff Space Boomer Mayweather sat
and watched evay try to herd cats.
When one climbed up his leg
For mercy he begged
And at least got one line out of that.

009
There once was a Chief Engineer
Who could mesmerize folks with his rear
He made posters ::THUD::
Rolled ’round in the mud
And when he strips down, we all cheer!

010
Buff Space Boomer Mayweather sat
with the grin of a satisfied cat.
Teeth as white as Fran Drescher’s
made his grin a Cheshire’s —
and who was surprised about that?

011
The Vulcans made Coridan’s bed,
but Archie lay in it instead.
He attempted to stall,
or get help from T’Pol.
Her solution? A boob to the head!

012
A creature as ugly as Moogie
gave Archie an empathic Noogie.
Our slash-fodder Dykes
found out what it likes,
and appeased the Great Terrorist Loogie.

013
That blue-faced commander named Shran
gives beatings as well as he can,
but feels chagrin
as he cleaves Archie’s chin:
if only poor Jon were a man!

014
The Suliban Silik sneered, “Jon,
You’ve seen me without my cloak on!
But I know what’s ahead;
you’ll end up in my bed
And we’ll smooch it up at the next con.”

015
Let’s go give Porthos some cheese
For good puppies we aim to please.
But he can’t digest
He’ll make a big mess!
And we’ll vomit when seeing it, not sneeze!

016
In the Galley one day Chef did see
Porthos noshing on Gouda and Brie
He shouted, “Hey! Pooch!
C’mere, give a smooch!
Just don’t get too excited and pee!”

017
Archer knew that Trip’s plainspoken manner,
Often came out like a sharp tongued hammer.
Trip told Xerafin
“Why’re yew buttin’ in?”
And turned on the “Tidy-Thread ” jammer.

018
There was a young ensign called Travis,
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
Captain Archer agreed
It was done out of need,
And not out of Protestant malice.

019
A Klingon from Nantucket Seven
Walked into a Seven-Eleven
He got a big Slurpee
That made him a her/she
And her girlfriend was promptly in heaven!

[Sometimes one limerick was completed by two people in different posts.]  

020
The clever Andorian Shran
Beat Archer to pulp, hand to hand.
“You’re doomed!” Shran cried,
“No more!” Archer lied
And put his boot to that blue gland.
021
That aggressive Andorian, Shran,
Beat Archer to pulp, hand to hand.
“You’re doomed!” Blue Boy cried,
“No more!” Archer lied,
and went back to lovin’ his man.

022
“Enough! ” shouted Forrest, “You’re through!
I’ve had it with the whole crew!
Gazelles? — What a speech!
You’re no one to preach!
Now I’ve got to head off a coup!”

023
T’Pol said, “The sensors are wrong!
It simply cannot be that long!
The sensors don’t lie;
It fills half the sky.
Look, Porthos! A bone big as Hong Kong! ”

024
Archer digs guys in the pool
As he says, “Polo is cool!
Though I’d watch this with Trip,
Another Freudian slip
Would make me look like a great fool.”

025
Our Denobulan doc is so sharp
That he cured all disease with a carp
But a Suliban face-lift,
Allowed him to shape-shift.
Now his wives can strum him like a harp.

026
When Trip bumped Mr. Reed in decon
Malcie took it for some kind of come on
“But...but... ” Tucker stammered.
“I’ve just been TripHammered,”
Mal sighed, and said “Sorry, there, Jon!”

027
Trip whispered to Jon, “Want some beer
In the quarters of your engineer?”
“I’d love one! ” snapped Polly
They both flinched at the volley
Hissed Trip to T’Pol, “You’ve an ear!!”

028
Poor Jon Archer’s head, how it ached!
Knew his gazelle speech was half-baked.
So he went to Doc Phlox
For some bagels and lox,
And his sigh of relief was not faked!

029
The Tuckerites clamored “More Trip!
He’s neat! -’s great!! -the best on the ship!!! <—“Clamor Effect”
When he’s not in an ep,
The tale has no pep.
And into sweet dreams we all slip.

030
Poor T’Pol’s got a disease
“Mind-meld? Ewwww!” Vulcans would tease.
And though Archer cares,
He was caught unawares.
The Council’s ignoring his pleas.

031
Phlox was done trimming his nails
(The point where ENT’s audience bails).
But his pets got a snack
And what they gave back
Came from their cute little entrails

032
The “ENT Event ” shows T’Pol’s stigma.
She really is quite an enigma.
“I can’t figure out why
But she’s damn brave to try,”
Said a sister at Tau Kappa Sigma (<—T’Pol’s old sorority)

033
That Feezal has sure got some moves!
Trip’s honor refusal behooves.
But she won’t give up
She SO wants to shtup
Trip’s aghast! Her husband APPROVES!

034
Feezal did what would best be called “harass”
As Trip showed he’s not hard to embarrass
Vulcans hate that Pa’nar
And find Archer sub-par
And T’Pol nightly curses Tolaris.

035
Every alien chick likes some Tucker
Every alien dude thinks he’s a sucker
Jon and Mal roll their eyes
At the sound of their sighs
But our boy is just a head-ducker.

036
Malcolm set up an alarm
To keep the whole crew safe from harm.
“s’ like a big bag o’ cats!
Wearing funky green hats!”
“Commander, that’s part of its charm!”

037
Archer can’t sit in his chair,
To Trip he appeals for repair.
Then Trip gets obsessed;
Archer’s ass will be blessed
But his poor feet will dangle mid-air!

038
Soval and Shran had a talk
While Archer tried hard not to gawk.
While up on the ship
He started to drip—
So Porthos took him for a walk.

039
Trip’s level-headed command
Kept Tucker the Third in demand
But his passion for coffee
And a voice like warm toffee
Made this poem end sooner than planned!

040
Mayweather never gets lines
So there at his console he pines
For soliloquies long
By Sussman and Strong
And steering the ship through live mines.

041
What’s up next on ENT’s “Movie Night ”?
Could it be? A skin flick, XXXcite!
T’Pol sat with Hoshi
Thinking “does she or don’t she?”
While Reed longed for a bloody good fight.

042
Dr Phlox lost his temper one day
In the classic Denobulan way
His ears spewing wax
Caused Reed to make tracks
Before toenails came into play!

043
“Those humans!” said Phlox with a laugh
While in Feezal’s rose petal bath.
“You’d think they would see
That, while she’s with me,
I’m willing to go half and half.”

044
I just couldna stand it nae longer!
To ditch this thread couldn’t be wronger!
In Porthos’ name we’ll strive
To keep it alive
Our agreement here couldn’t be stronger!

045
A glorified mechanic named Trip
Was actually smart as a whip
When folks started to whine
It ran straight down his spine —
Their life support needs only a *snip*.

046
A Reed-alert makes the crew jump
They jolt when the ship hits a bump.
But fear not, good crew
Mal knows what to do:
His phasers make Suliban go *thump*!

[This limerick used the BBS quote function, repeatedly nested. The episode featured time travel and short sequences being repeated, to the characters’ consternation.]   

047
When Trip and Mal worked on the pod
They started to note something odd

When Trip and Mal worked on the pod
They started to note something odd

When Trip and Mal worked on the pod
They started to note something odd

When Trip and Mal worked on the pod
They started to note something odd

hey now...

A wrinkle in time?
“Was that your line or mine?”
“We’ve done this before, my old sod!”

048
Was that Dr. Cochrane? I say!
He was lost when his ship went astray.
The nameless dead guy
Is human. But why
Can’t we ID all his DNA?

049
Oh crap! The collective is back!
To Hell with defense. We attack!
Mr. Reed, arm the cannons!
Just fill them with Brannon’s
Bad writings. Assimilate that!

050
It looks like they’ve got a skin rash
Since the crew had that Decon Gel Bash
What’s wrong with plain soap?
With germs it can cope
But gives no juicy fodder for slash!

051
Why are Andorians blue?
Would you want Tarah to hit on you?
With antennas so sweet
She’s so neat and petite
You forget she could break you in two.

052
I was watching some old eps of ENT
And into dreamland I was sent
What is this blue goo
I’m rubbing on you?
It’s lovely...wait for it...I’m spent!

053
“Pecan pie’s a tasty good snack”
Said Jon as I rubbed down his back.
“It’s so sticky sweet;
Chef makes it a treat.
As for calories, I don’t keep track!”

054
Trip said “I just love to explore!
And I don’t want to know what’s in store!
The journey’s the thing
And the wonders it brings
Make me want to cry ‘Wow!’ all the more! ”

055
“Vulcans do not touch their food,”
Said T’Pol, kinda blowing the mood.
Trip joked, “Let’s have ribs!”
Hoshi yelled, “I got dibs
on the corn! ” and a food feud ensued!

056
Potatoes flew this way and that
On windows the coleslaw went splat
Trip had mustard in his hair
Mal’s curry? Everywhere!
It was culinary combat!

057
The Denobulan love potion spilled
Into the iced tea. They were thrilled
By the sight of pink smoke
So each horny bloke
**** the other ’til they were fulfilled.

058
Said Trip by the Borg nanoprobed,
“I was showering, had barely disrobed,
When drone Four of Seven
Glimpsed my ‘Staff of Heaven’
In slo-mo while all the lights strobed.”

059
On the bridge: “Captain, Borg are attacking us!”
In engineering: Tucker’s starting to cuss.
Reed cries,“Have no doubt,
Travis, bring us about!
And I’ll fire up the phase blunderbuss!”

060
On a transport ship to Canamar
Trip and Archer were sure they’d go far
When to their great surprise
Before their very eyes
Malcolm pasted the baddies to tar!

061
Jon’s casual coat is brown leather
It stands up to all kinds of weather
But it can’t take a dose
Of a femme lachrymose
And it don’t fit old Trip that well ether.

062
What was that on Chatty Guy’s face?
Black Plague. He’s the doctor’s test case.
His wattles were flapping
His pie hole was yapping
And Trip’s thinking, “Damn, where’s my Mace?”

063
Invulnerable Shuttlepod One
Flew into a wormhole for fun.
Now thrusters are down
But we needn’t frown
’Cause we’ve still got the ca’pn’s bourbon!

064
“First contact went well!” Archer crowed,
But gasped as the warp engines slowed.
Trip groaned, “Not again!”
Jon said, “Don’t worry, men,
We’ll just call Triple-A and get towed!”

065
In the ENT limerick thread one fine day
ProcrastINated folks like evay
She spent too much time
Divining each rhyme
And frittered her evening away.

066
blingawa dared our A4T
To go on a Trip Tribute spree
Okay, so he’s smart
But I know in my heart
That Malcolm is still *IT* for me!

067
To his home we gave Klaang a ride.
The Vulcans were acting quite snide.
Up popped Suliban
Trip stripped for decon
And T’Pol’s look could only deride.

068
They tracked the slick Suliban ship.
Future Guy made Silik just *flip.”
On the helix time slowed
Silik sneered and crowed
And Archer yelled, “Beam me up, Trip!”

069
Hoshi had a strange dyin’ worm
With fear, that poor Hoshi did squirm
But a pep talk Trip gave
And the starship-turned-grave
Found a home for the aged and infirm.

070
The camping trip started out well,
Then dissolved into psycho-ward hell.
Trip succumbed to the pollen
But T’Pol just kept stallin’
And NoName screamed “Leaves?? What the frell!”

071
Trip got knocked up by Ah’Len
Though he’d been a complete gentleman.
Craving ice cream and pickles
Feeling intercostal tickles,
“An’ I start my Lamaze classes, when?”

072
Trip appeared just a bit in this snoozer
(Recycled, real boring, a loser)
A whole bunch of shale
The inhabitants did inhale
I blame the crashed space ship cruiser.

073
P’Jem stood mysterious and silent
To explore Cap’n, Trip, and T’Pol went.
But Shran was suspicious
The monks meretricious
And the listening post’s last signal was sent.

074
While the comet was given a snowman,
Trip’s snooping made the sh*t hit T’Pol’s fan
Archer griped at surveillance;
T’Pol took an “I’ll stay ” stance
After Trip coaxed her with his pie, pecan.

075
An apothecary named Riann
Pretty soon took a liking to Jon.
But she glowed in the dark
And Cap’n’s first lark
Lasted one kiss before he was gone.

076
A ship full of boomers (like Mayweather)
Had a Naussie pirate on a tether.
Archer: “Please be humane.”
Boomers: “His pain, our gain!”
“Now get in this cargo box together.”

077
The ENT crew was then dumped into space
While the Nausicaans boomers did chase.
Travis talked them around
With his wisdom most sound.
Travis talks! What a great change of pace!

078
They all came to see the Great Plume
Silik’s sabotage prevented doom
But when duty calls
Daniels walks through the walls
Unfortunately, he went FOOM.

079
We’ve been scanned! Who did it? And why?
Reed’s folks made us all want to cry.
Trip and Mal fixed the guns,
Scared off the silent ones,
Then had pineapple cake on the sly.

080
An alien ship, most silent
Turned out to be rather malevolent
But with Reed and Trip’s science
and the Captain’s defiance
Earth’s response to the bugs was quite violent

081
Dr Phlox enjoys keeping in touch
With his IME colleagues and such
But which was the subtler?
Valakians or Cutler?
He chose the Menk, liking them much.

082
There was a Klingon named Bu’kaH
Who demanded to be released DaH! (now)
While T’Pol, Hosh and Mal
Tried to keep up morale
Trip said, “Cap’n, qaH, Qah ghaH jaH.” (sir, help her go)
[A4T: evay, you’ve turned me into a Klingon-speaking geek!!! (No offense intended, K-S G’s)]

083
Trip said, “Gee, T’Pol, we’ll sure miss ya!”
“Me too — and I still haven’t kissed ya!”
But then rescuers blue
Sent communicator stew,
Saying, “This is payback ’cause we pissed ya! ”

084
“Do not make OMT cranky!”
(Mal sniffled a bit in his hanky.)
They used ’tato mash
To seal up the gash
And then huddled under a blankie.

085
Trip and Mal thought ENT was dust.
Malcolm said his farewells, but Trip just
Popped a fifth of good whiskey
they didn’t get frisky
Instead our boys learned about trust.

086
They met new Vulcans, wild and crazy,
Impulsive, obnoxious, and lazy.
T’Pol played mind nookie
With Tolaris — tough cookie!
Trip danced for Kov like Patrick Swayze.

087
The Eskans were hot on the trail
of a Drayjin wraith (their “holy grail ”)
Archer’s fantasy date’s
face (From poems by Yeats)
In real life looked more like a snail.

088
Trip wandered in his tighty-blues
While the rest of the crew had a snooze
’Til Archer’s bold plan
Scammed the big-lobed clan
And Krem’s offer T’Pol did refuse.

089
When Odo crashlanded the Kantare
He made holograms to live life our way
Then Liana met Trip
And everything let rip
’Til with Rocky Road he did her mind sway.

090
The Kantare were not what they seemed;
Through their heads too much light gleamed.
They nabbed Trip for repairs
But alien babe affairs
Occupied him until he ice creamed!

091
Arch and Travis were nabbed with precision
Subject’d to Tandaran derision,
When up popped good bud Al
(Didn’t know his old pal)
‘Suliban’ ain’t the Mal I’d envision!

092
The Snot Monster’s got five poor souls.
Hoshi tries to discover its goals.
Jon gets in their heads
Gives commands like sleep meds.
Trip’s survival excuses all plot holes!

093
V’Lar is a crook! Or isn’t she?
A Vulcan with humour? It cannot be!
The rude Mazarites
Thought they’d put out her lights
Jon asked Phlox to save her — and didn’t he?

094
Zobral enticed Archer and Trip
for geskana their shirts off to rip,
“Male ” soup made them gag,
Damned heat made Trip sag,
(Let’s rewind to that part where they strip!)

095
“There’s no crime on Risa,” said Trip
“Rock-climbing is safe ” — Travis’ slip
Then our boys got mugged
And poor Arch got drugged
While Hoshi smiled all round the ship

096
No Paraagan got out of there hurtless
When Daniels time-zapped Jon, why shirtless?
Angst, guilt, and contrition
A Soval-cancelled mission
And a 31st century Earth-less?

097
T’Pol said, “I’ve a story to tell
(And a lovely NY bridge to sell)
’bout how I made Velcro
With a pool-husslin’ fel-low
’N blew first contact history to hell!”

098
Malcolm said, “I’m the man for the job!”
As he held back a skewered-leg sob.
Jon’ll work while he chats
Watched by Romulan rats
And carefully twists each dial fob.

099
On and on whined the ‘Angel of Doom’
“Boy, you suck the life out of the room.”
Said Jon, “Stop being lame!”
As the Rommies took aim
They got clear just in time for the BOOM.

100
The creepy white station’s repairs
Seemed an answer to everyone’s prayers.
But Mayweather’s body
Makes the deal shoddy
To think “proto-Borg” no one dares.

101
Our captain was upset and cranky
The episode was really stanky
The Pyrithian bat
Knew where it was at
And flew into Hoshi’s white hanky.

102
Klingon Korok growled, “Where’s my stuff?”
Said Archer (again ::rolleyes::) “That’s enough!”
T’Pol held a class
On how to kick ass
And Tessic and friends called their bluff.

103
T’Pol was disturbed by her flashbacks
And her self-control start’d to show cracks.
Trip worried, but still ate
Phlox and Reed had to wait
And Travis(!) found the biotox packs.

104
“From my pocket it must have slipped!”
So back to the planet they tripped
Mal and Archer in trouble
Trip’s down at/on the double
With a half-cloaked right arm equipped.

105
“CARRRRRROTS!!!!!!” echoed from the mess hall.
Trip and Mal, like young schoolboys they did brawl.
Dr Phlox went knife happy.
Archer’s writing was crappy.
But at length they were saved by ol’ T’Pol.

106
A transporter malfunction; what shock!
Hoshi’s gone like a dryer-lost sock.
An alien scare
Gave her courage to dare
To transport, and Jon didn’t mock!

107
In a box, Tucker found sleeping beauty.
To return her, unharmed, his duty.
He’s King of the Swamp.
(In which they did romp )
Even though the good woman was quite snooty.

108
A terrible storm was a-brewin’.
They hardly knew what to be doin’.
Then rude troopers boarded.
“No showers!!?? ” Reed snorted.
And the poor ship was nearly ungluin’.

109
The moon spun toward blazing dawn
(Which means Trip had fewer clothes on)
While Trip skyward looked
The alien cooked
But Trip managed to save Zho’Khaan.

110
While Phlox played the doc for old Tee-Pol,
His wife earned the nickname “Ms. Feels-All”
By rubbing our Tuck
Like a haresfoot for luck
While Jon showed the Vulcans were real small.

111
Shran wanted Jon in the middle
of the Vulcan-Andorian riddle
Tarah got herself canned
Trip shone in command
but Soval hates to play second fiddle.

112
Archer and Trip were camped out
(Which would lead them to trouble, no doubt)
But with Reed around, skulkin’
And that nosey-assed Vulcan
It seemed they’d continue their “drought .”

113
Proud Archer’s head once more went Boom
On the roof-beams of his Captain’s Room
Note to self: Talk to Forrest
“Ship designed by a Florist?”
And about three feet tall, I’d assume.

114
Mal’s got a shiny new gun
It’s big ’n’ powerful — what fun!
Applying pressure to the trigger
Makes his !@#$ grow even bigger
and all he wants is a “hole in one ”...

115
Hoshi sat sweetly at the comm
As Travis said, “Girl, you’re da bomb!”
and well Once you go black,
you never go back.
So Hoshi said “Let’s get it on!”

116
Dinner at the Cap’n’s table
Went all wrong when Chef was unable
To fill the request
Of a dignified guest
And empty the Augean Stable.

117
Reed tossed a banana peel on the floor.
The Cap’n, a clown suit he wore.
Then Trip threw a pie;
T’Pol, seltzer apply’d.
“April Fools! ” to their guests they did roar.

118
Trip’s practical joke did misfire
All over Samwise of the Shire
Xander laughed til he burst
“Trip, your jokes are the worst!”
Yelled Leia in her princess attire.

119
Wissssp!Trip really went for the chow
And his friends weren’t leavin’ nohow.
Hoshi simmered, Mal leered,
Tough!Phlox was to be feared
Concerned!Archer furrowed his brow.

120
Wissssp!Trip had everyone fooled.
Wisssp!Malcolm Reed said, “Yeah, Sex Ruled!”
Travis nearly got gored
Rostov’s Wissssp soon got bored.
Some saw PJ!Polly and drooled.

121
In his quarters Trip wailed on the harp
Carefully nailing each flat and sharp.
Archer joined him to jam.
Porthos howled. Reed said, “Damn!”
And Travis hid under a tarp.

122
Denobulans must hibernate
(But if you wake ’em early, it’s great.)
Their looks of confuse-ment
Give lots of amusement
As scenery they masticate.

123
Phlox said,“I must really insist
You remove your big schnoz from my fist.
That this could occur
You were warned. But dear sir,
This takes you off my Christmas list!”

124
Tucker had nothing to do
(which partly was why this ep blew).
He had like six lines
and most of ’em whines.
It looks like the short straw he drew.

125
“Enemy of the Empire! ” they yelled
Until Archer and his advocate gelled
T’Pol persuaded
A prison guard aided
And obstacles to honor felled.

126
Hoshi and Trav took a ride
In a pod down to planetside.
But once there they found
That the place did abound
With aliens obnoxious and snide!

127
T’Pol said, “There is no logic
In greasing the engine with aspic.
If you really can’t tell,
I prefer decon gel
Because it makes all the parts click. ”

128
Archer said, “Arm the phase cannons quick!
That ugly ship’s making me sick!”
Mal advised, “Don’t be hasty;
As a target, they’re tasty,
But Sir, don’t force me to lick.”

129
Hoshi said: “Death to the Umpire!”
Archer: “Oh, no! A new translator we must hire.”
“No sir! I’ll do better!
But a Klingon crank letter
Does not my best effort inspire!”

130
When Travis gets a few lines
As in the messhall he dines
They rush to sedate him
Lest gushers inflate him
Or he makes like Beltran and whines.

131
In the midst of printing a stack
Of maps the computer went black.
The damn thing crashed soundly
And I cursed it quite roundly.
It’s three weeks till hubby gets back.

132
Poor Dominic blew out his knee
“I stretched it too far, don’t you see?”
Now his vacation’s shot
(or curtailed a lot)
But at least it was him, and not me.

133
Mal went out to shoot a cow
’Cause Trip wanted ribs for his chow.
But the rustle in the grass
Was Porthos, alas!
But that’s something Ol’ Archer won’t allow.

Mal went out to shoot a cow
Doo-dahhh! Doo-Dahhh!
For target practice and some chow!
Oh, doo-dah dayyy!
Reed-alert all night!
Reed-alert all day!
I’ll bet my money on that uptight Brit
One shot blows that cow clean awayyy!!

134
Bad news makes the Sweet Spot feel sour
Paul “welcomes ” Trav home with a glower
“I’m the king of this ship,
Don’t gimme no lip!
But while you’re here, boost up the power.”

135
T’Pol wasn’t too keen on seeing Frankenstein.
But she dug it! And chowed popcorn like human swine.
All pumped for tomorrow,
While dressed up like Charo,
The Doctor said “This is sublime!”

136
A young Vulcan lady, T’Pol
Tagged along on our journey from Sol
You’ll be shocked to discover
She was blonde undercover
This ditz was no Vulcan a’tall!

137
Travis’ brother Paul’s now the Captain of Horizon.
He’s the worst skipper we’ve ever laid eyes on.
Except maybe for Jellico on the Ent-D,
Who Riker thought was so Stinky
When Picard was being asked how many lights are on.

138
I know a Lieutenant named Reed
Who quick-draws with magnificent speed
But he’s worthless with guns
While he ogles the buns
Of that pointy-eared lassie. Indeed.

139
Intercoolers are reading at nominal
And I’m feeling a craving abdominal
If you’ll observe my station
I’ll enjoy mastication
Of a steak and a couple of Tylenol.

[At this point, evay suggested using a modification of terza rima, “third rhyme,” which is the poetical structure popularized by Dante Alighieri in his famous epic poem The Inferno. The idea is that the 3, 4 rhyme of one limerick becomes the 1, 2, 5 rhyme of the next, to cut down on the silver, month, and purple lines. Most people did it, although not all.]

140
Shuttlepods One and Two hover
Over the statue called “Lover”
So Trip can get pics
And watch Malcolm fix
The ceiling that’s broken above’er.

141
“With the crew, please endeavour to mix.”
T’Pol’s glare would’ve melted glazed bricks.
But when Archer insisted
And Phlox’s face got joy-twisted
She relented, but still got no kicks.

142
There was a good doctor named Phlox
Who reputedly never wore socks
When I once asked him why
With a glint in his eye
He said, “I like toejam on all of my smocks.”

143
T’Pol gave Trip a look chilling
When he asked “Care for raspberry filling
In the tarts Chef just made?”
She sniffed “No, lemonade
Is what I’d prefer to be swilling.”

144
Now I’ve more times than once heard it said
That in Starfleet ships there is no head
Now that’s bad news to me
For I really must pee
Else my bladder shall drown me quite dead.

145
Have you noticed the way Vulcan women
Are not terribly fond of swimmin’?
I suppose it’s because
They do enjoy bearclaws
And their swimsuits just ain’t all that slimmin’.

146
One morning, I asked Captain Hector
’bout the girl in his Bussard Collector
“I believe, ” he told me
“That’s just rumors, you see,
For our sensors have yet to detect ’er.”

147
At Movie Night, Trip’s eyes were misted
Though from sobbing aloud he resisted.
“Ah just love Ingrid
Since Ah was a kid!
But that doesn’t mean Ah am twisted! ”

148
Shore leave on the planet Rezade
Was int’rupted by a space pirate raid.
But the bad guys were thwarted
When their circuits were shorted
By a squirt gun full of Gator-Ade!

149
T’Pol was by aliens courted
Though their compliments simply — aborted
She raised her left brow
In combo with staunch scowl
And left, saying simply “Sorted! ”

150
Trip’s accident with Archer’s towel
Was followed by Trip’s quick avowal
That ’twas meant as a joke
But towel-snapping a bloke
Is sure to elicit a howl.

151
The planet had gone up in smoke
Which made all the fleeing folks choke.
But T’Pol, Mal, and Trip
(working hard on the ship)
Had to hustle lest anyone croak.

152
Mal needed help to unzip
the pocket that caught on the pip
of his friend there beside
him after he tried
to play zero-G Twister with Trip.

153
With Andorian ale they were plied
’Til Jon, Trip, and Mal were cross-eyed
But try as she might
T’Pol could not fight.
And went along for the blind drunken ride.

154
This thread’s gone on 13 weeks
(That’s a whole quarter-season for geeks)
And is still going strong —
I might break into song
Or jump up and down ’til I freaks!

155
In sickbay Jon camped for the night
(Gave all Phlox’s creatures a fright).
But most frightening of all
Making poor Cap’n squall
Were the PJs the doc wore so tight.

156
Black leather he wore — slightly small
The Cap’n said “Trip, that’s some gall!”
“It’s been lyin’ on the shelf;
Looks damn good on my self,
And besides, it just freaks out T’Pol! ”

157
Poor Phlox has got bats in the belf-
ry — and one of them’s Helf-
rig (named for the demon
from Buffy this season)
And another named after an elf.

158
T’Pol said, “Just give me one reason
You won’t stop that immature teasin’.”
I see a ‘pinch’ coming
Or a kick to the plumbing
or guts, which will then leave you wheezin’.”

159
T’Pol’s outfit is no kind of turn-on.
Why’d she go and put that jaffurn* on?
All the guys are depressed.
Even T’Pol is distressed,
’Cause there’s no signs of the meeting adjournon!
*jaffurn, an article of clothing primarily constructed from a certain furry fabric made from a common Vulcan animal; this fabric is infamous for making its wearers feel uncomfortably itchy to the point of illogic. Its name comes from the Ancient High Vulcan word “jaffurn ,” meaning “a nonsense word that rhymes with ‘turn’. ”

160
Sang Hoshi on her banjo strumming
The tune that the whole crew was humming.
Trip joined in on his harp
Causing Malcolm to carp
And T’Pol to pronounce the noise numbing.

161
In “Star Trek According To Garp”
Trip did weirdness with bright orange carp
Pigs flew o’er the deck
Fang-marks on T’Pol’s neck
And Archer was picketed by TFARP.*
*TFARP: Trekkies For Another Reassignment of Porthos, a splinter animal-rights group

162
The Antaran was madder than heck
But Phlox kept his temper in check.
Thus a breach healed by Phlox
While the boys got off on rocks
Filled another quite average Trek.

163
The tribble was out of the box
Had it sense, it would run like a fox.
But it didn’t have legs
Lizard said, “could be eggs,
But it tastes like coquilles St. Jacques.”
164
The tribble was out of the box.
Had it sense, it would run like a fox.
But it sat there and chirped
Until Phlox’s plant burped
Which shook Hoshi down to her socks!

165
When nothing much needed interp’d
Hoshi went to the mess hall and slurped
When she got up for more
Travis rushed through the door
And she found that her seat was usurped.

166
Malcolm and Trip were quite sore
From sliding along the cave floor.
Travis saving their bacon
From a bloody mess makin’.
The guy really should rock climb no more!

167
In sickbay our poor boys were achin’
From falls that their backsides were breakin’
Yet worse than the pain
Was a lingering stain
On their reps, ’cause Phlox thought they were fakin’.

168
Trip and Archer were tied with a chain
of paper clips (idle hands’ bane)
“The RECEPTIONIST did it!”
“And boy, did they fidget!
...and by the way, my name’s Elaine. ”

169
Phlox in sickbay was minding his shiznit.
Trav said “We make it? We take it.”
The Denob rockhounds
Annoyed Trip out of bounds
And he threatened to shoot them where they sit!

170
The doctor did lose a few pounds
By cutting out Snickers and Mounds
Now he goes to the gym
And more power to him
We know it’s more hard than it sounds.

171
I’m gonna go out on a limb
And say Paramount said, “Get out or get slim!”
Because the TV
Adds ten pounds, you see,
And our stars are required to be trim.

172
Porthos went down to the planet to pee
Which he did, on a sacred tree
“Such shocking behaviour!
There’s nothing can save yer!
Must we put this sh*t on TV?”

173
Our Chef just ain’t much of a baker.
If it’s not pecan pie there’s no taker.
Better stick with the fruit
Or the beef roast en croute
Or see what’s in the cocktail shaker.

174
Mal loves to find things to shoot
Trip squashes bugs with his boot
Hoshi likes talking
and Travis wall-walking (climbing, geddit?)
While Archer and polo just suit.

175
The public at Trinneer were gawking
And Tuckerite T-shirts were hawking
His searching (ex.: Google)
Must be awfully frugal
For it’s web sites that have *us* all tawking!

176
Mal loves to find things to shoot
As a marksman of skill and repute.
But blowing up rocks
Doesn’t knock off his socks
As much as does playing the flute.

177
Trav’s so bored, he’s breeding pet rocks.
Archer’s so bored, he’s sorting his socks.
Trip says “Quitcher bitchin’!
If for fights you’re itchin’,
Just go down and pick one with Phlox! ”

178
Trip’s outfits need very strong stitchin’
Because of his frequent up-hitchin’.
They’re constantly ripped,
Shredded, mangled, unzipped
So often he ends up them ditchin’.

179
“Ah was gettin to it! ” Tucker quipped.
“You NEVER FIXED IT???? ” Archer flipped
“Well, that explains why
We’re all going to die —
There’s a hole in the hull where the paint chipped.”

180
Bergman films make Tucker cry
’Cause he’s a softhearted guy.
Just a sucker for sap
(No “reality ” crap)
But with quality films... my, oh my.

181
Porthos jumped on T’Pol’s lap
So his nose she gave a sharp rap
But ’twas T’Pol’s nose
Which smelled not a rose
But Stilton, brie, cheddar, and drap.*
*A particularly noisome Andorian cheese, given to Porthos as a gift from Shran

182
The Enterprise crew boldly goes
And where they stop nobody knows.
Start placing your bets
on where they’ll go...sets
get reused along with old foes!

183
Reed laughed when Trip Tucker made threats
to bet on the Yanks ’gainst the Mets
So Trip grabbed him quite roughly
Then things got a bit scuffly
But when dust cleared they had no regrets!

184
Watching Reed eat cheese was lovely
Let’s see him do it in the buff-ly
And not whack his head
over an alien instead
But talk about armaments gruffly.

185
Trip only went where his heart led
He did not want poor “Charly ” dead.
But with all good intention
Well-meant intervention
Made tragedy unfold instead.

186
“Angst! ” all the viewers demanded
They couldn’t have had more, to be candid
But now that they’ve seen it
They think they don’t mean it
And feel as though they’ve just been stranded.

187
We give here an honourable mention
To ENT’s writers for paying attention
To what fans were asking
Instead of just basking
In eps with no Archer/Trip tension.

188
Jon’s face of rage was just masking
His own sense of guilt which was blasting
A hole in his heart
Fueled at least in part
By the look of despair Trip was casting. ::sob::

189
Is it time for them to start
To pull Trip and Archer apart?
To show their despair
And boldly go where
(I am so not using the damn theme song line!)
They must choose between “right” and “what’s smart"?

190
evay’s gone but she didn’t say where
So it’s up to us faithful who care
To make our dame proud
And keep this thread endowed
With more wit than Trip’d ever dare.

191
Tucker stood with his head bowed
As into his friend Archer plowed
But Jon’s got some gall!
He’s screwed up, after all.
Who’s to say what cannot be allowed?

192
Critics said it was not Tucker’s call
To help out an alien in thrall.
But our man held true
For all the good it’ll do.
Now he feels about 3 inches tall.

193
Posters cried, “T’Pol needs a new ’do!”
cuz the Moe wig isn’t working, its true.
A Farah Fawcett flip?
Might look better on Trip
Oh man, A4T, I love you!

194
If Trip kissed T’Pol on the lip
T’would confirm a much discussed ’ship.
The T/T-ers would shout,
A/T-ers eat their hearts out,
And Nobody/Nobody-ers flip!

195
Poor Malcolm had been through a drought
Sexual relations for him — a big nout
Shame there wasn’t on ENT
holodeck time he could rent
So the poor man had to go “without”

196
Reed “out of the closet” was sent
When way over backwards he bent
For Commander Charles Tucker,
That badass mother**cker,
And Mal said, “How well that repeatedly went!"...

197
Poor Malcolm had been through a drought
Sexual relations for him — a big nout
But his poor throat parched
Was doused by one not so starched
Although some about that did doubt.

198
Trav Mayweather is such a sucker
When it comes to helping his old mucker
With English essays
(’Cause his friend’s in a daze)
And Trav always has had lots of plucker.

199
Jon said, “Trip, you must change your ways,
Long gone are your hell-raising days!
Try to be more like me!”
Trip choked, and said “Gee,
you’ve just damned yourself with faint praise!”

200
The Melders left Vulcan to be free
And to go on a mind-melding spree
They revelled in feeling
Found that very appealing
But other Vulcans couldn’t agree.

201
The Borg ep is here! We’re all reeling
(and hoping while praying and kneeling)
“Continuity’s toast.”
“Don’t give up the ghost!
It could be a good ep they’re dealing!”

202
Oh no! Phlox is a nanoprobe host!
But a cure for Borgism soon he may boast.
Ya know, I wouldn’t fret
’Cause they’ll hit the reset
Button after a season, at most.

203
Mal vs. the Borg? Sure I’ll bet
On our Armory Officer’s threat.
There’s no one to beat him
And situations grim
He laughs off with “No worries, pet!”

204
That Borg in the ice, recall him?
What became of his dismembered limb?
A weapon perhaps?
Node for GPS maps?
Did he spend too much time in the gym?

205
The ENT crew plays blackjack and craps
While sipping some bourbon and schnapps
But when Mal loads the dice
Poor Hoshi pays the price
While Archer gets so mad he snaps.

206
T’Pol always gives good advice —
“Commander, please check your work twice.”
But when ENT’s without power
Trip needs but an hour
To get the place fixed in a trice.

207
If Mal were to give Trip a flower...
Miss Thang would no longer look dour.
But Hoshi would scream
At the end of her dream
And Archer would certainly glower!

208
Trip and Mal shared an ice cream
While rowing a boat on a stream.
But their craft sprung a leak-
Opined Malcolm, “Eeeeeeeeek!”
What Trip plugged it with made Mal *gleam*.

209
When Trip got the yearnin’ to streak
Past Archer and Porthos last week
He stripped to the skin,
Oh boy, he looked trim!
But on ENT, that’s not really unique!

210
Malcolm Reed is quite proper and prim
His appearance can seem rather grim;
But Trip knows him better
Reed obeys to the letter
Lest it involves taking a swim.

211
Trip knitted Porthos a sweater
He looks smart, a canine go-getter
Now Archer feels slighted
’Cause he wasn’t invited
To meet Porthos’ new friend the setter.

212
Will Reed ever be reunited
With that Vissian whom he invited
To sample his wares?
Just to check the cross-hairs
Of his phase pistol made her excited!

213
Tharpdevenport wanted to join you guys,
Write funy stuff for your eyes,
But really isn’t a fan of the show,
So his limericks would have told,
And opted out after seeing 44 page replies.

214
Hoshi caught Trav unaware
That his friend was standing right there.
He gave such a start
and clutched at his heart
she thought she’d killed him with a scare!

215
T’Pol studied the Vulcan star chart
searching for faith of the heart
But all she could find
Was what she’d left behind
Seems her soul was more “science” than “art.”

216
Malcolm and Trip were entwined
And neither of them seemed to mind
Trip thought about winning
But his head was spinning ...
And “right foot-blue” left him quite blind.

217
After all that, Mal was grinning.
Said Trip, “This is just the beginning.
I jus’ know you’ll love it —
You’ll be glad we’ve done it.”
As he talked his friend into sinning.

218
Mal told Tucker where he could shove it
(Just a little more left and above it).
Complained Trip, “I can’t reach!”
Phlox said, “I’ve a leech
Which should do the trick — I’m so proud of it!”

219
Hoshi sunbathed on a beach
For medical reasons a leech
Was stuck to her leg
Like a runny fried egg
When she noticed, she let out a screech!

220
Trip said, “Please don’t make me beg:
I won’t kiss that Bundy named Peg!
I’d rather pick Reed
(He’s cuter indeed)
Or Jon, Amy, Beth, Jo, or Meg!”

221
The Enterprise crew love to feed
Porthos treats which Jon had agreed
To share with his sweetie
As part of the treaty
Which spared our poor Tucker and Reed

222
Archer wondered who sprayed graffiti
All over his plate of fresh ziti
When he left his dinner,
Trip scolded, “You’re thinner!
Now park your ass back on your seaty!”

223
So Archer then ordered “The Spinner”
(Toast and fresh eggs — that’s a winner)
It came dyed blue
Jon again said adieu
As he tried to placate his inner.

224
“I don’t want to do this to you,
But we’ve made First Contact with Schmoo.
Their feelings are tender
And chances are slender
That they liked the film Loupe-Garou*!”
*French for “werewolf"

225
T’Pol asked, “Why do those of your gender
So often find they’re called ‘big spender’?
Trip shrugged. “I’m not cheap,
And my rates can be steep,
But you, dear, wouldna been a contender.”

226
Jon sighed as he drifted to sleep
Counting engineers rather than sheep.
But when “Rostov!” slipped out
Trip turned o’er with a shout
Saying, “Wake up, you two-timin’ creep!”

227
wychwood found herself ’twixt Mal and Trip
A4T gave advice: “Get a grip!”
She fainted with shock
When she woke up, the clock
Indicated she’d just dreamt her ’ship.

228
NX-Alpha got out of drydock
While Trip wished for Ruby’s white frock.
A.G. and Jon soared
While the Vulcans deplored,
Saying Henry’s engine was a crock.

229
While the crowd watched A.G. and Jon warred
(And Trip saved the beer from the horde)
Ruby yelled, “Stop it now!”
So Trip showed them how
This fighting they could ill afford.

230
The Commodore had a big cow:
“A.G.! Archer! You’ll get it! And how!!”
But Trip taught them to scoff
So they just laughed it off
And wiped sweat from the collective brow.

231
“Doctor, your clothes you must doff.”
“Please don’t touch me! You’re ill!” ::cough cough cough::
Reed played the gentleman.
Said T’Pol, “You’re no fun!”
(C’mon, did you think they would boff?)

232
So it turns out Trip’s a beer man.
Maybe Malcolm’s a mead or an ale fan.
Archer’s favorite is “whine.”
T’Pol thinks tea’s fine.
Travis drinks “Red Bull” straight from the can!

233
Skalaar said to Archer, “You’re mine!”
Archer said, “You won’t get me, you swine!
I escaped Klingon jail
When T’Pol refused bail
But I love the nose job — it’s divine!”

234
Trip tried hard to find Archer’s trail
But a decoy made Jon hard to tail.
He did better with Reed
Who spurned T’Pol’s need
In favor of Klingons to nail.

235
“Take me, Cap’n!” Tucker did plead.
As his eyes glowed with plain open greed.
“Take you where?” Archer blinked.
“I don’t care,” Trip then winked.
“Then how ’bout some golf?” So they teed.

236
Tucker and Archer were linked
on the greensward where their balls were ker-plinked
by their hatred of their three-woods.
Trip said, “This won’t do any good!”
So they just strolled to the nineteenth for a drink!

237
Trip walked to decon with a plate
for there his T’Pol did await
but to his dismay
Phlox took her away
To cure her premature urge to mate.

238
a rumor ’bout archer/tpol
has everyone startin t’ brawl
there’s been much debate
for now we must wait
and hope that the series don’t fall

239
Archer got tricked by a pig
Whom he thought was an alien big-wig.
Archer gave him a tour
Unaware that the boar
Only wanted him for his new brig.

240
Feeling all ouchy and sore
T’Pol slowly stood from the floor
“Doctor Phlox, should I be
Embarrassed to see
Lieutenant Reed any more?”

241
Porthos offended the tree
When his dad allowed him to run free.
Archer had to make amends
winning himself some new friends
All because his mutt had to pee!

242
Malcolm followed the latest of trends
As he tried to ’ship all his friends.
But to his dismay
It just wasn’t his day
As “Phlox/Porthos” he did not intend!

243
Malcolm and Trip had a way
That was so illogical that T’pol would say
“Come and get me boys
You’re much better than toys”
But Starfleet rules all say “ix-nay.”

244
One thousand thread posts! Hooray!
This discovery just made my day.
The ENT limericks last
And we’re having a blast
We’ll be around longer than Shatner’s toupée.

245
It seems like Bakula’s been miscast
As a lumberjack who has to think fast
Had to show his knowledge of chainsaws
Because his friend with four paws
Peed on the tree on a planet he should have by-passed.

246
Now’s the time to reflect and to pause
’pon the holy Starfleet-style blue drawers
See their fashion and fit
on the place where folks sit
They’re so tight they reveal all Trip’s flaws!

247
In order to appease the Brit
Who had worked himself into a snit
Trip brought him a gun.
Now the damage is done
But ’twas worth it, Trip had to admit!

248
T’Pol’s old friend was on the run
Dressed as a Tellarite nun.
But his cover was blown
And embarrassment shown
When his hair fell out of his bun.

249
“Not again!” said Trip with a groan.
“Yes, again,” was Malcolm’s sad moan.
“The captain wants leeks
Rubbed all over his cheeks
But leave his bollocks alone!”

250
We’ll be without new ENT for weeks
And doing without really reeks!
But we’ll still have this board
In case we get bored
’Cause we’re such devoted Trek geeks.

251
Now it’s time for us English to lord
It over the rest of the horde
While they do without
Our season’s within shout
And home viewers all do applaud

252
Poor Archer was hit by a bout
of shingles, arthritis, and gout.
Trip hauled out the Ben-gay
And soothed all the pain away.
Now his magic cure Jon does tout.
253
Poor Archer is hit by a bout
Of weltschmerz, ennui, and self-doubt
Though his psyche was shaking
Trip’s comfort was making
Jon a neurotic (devout).

254
Hoshi, on suddenly waking,
Saw Travis a martini shaking
She recalled with dismay
That he’d led her astray
Dressed as Bond, she found him breathtaking

255
“Darn Mayweather!” she cursed, “You hold sway
over me in that tux from Target!”
“Shall we try picture-taking?
Or I’ll leave if you’re aching.”
Just one breathless word escaped: “S t a y.”

256
Trip and Mal were the first ones in, staking
Über-vamps in their boots were a-quaking
Buffy took out T’Pol
“Whoops! My bad! But y’all,
I thought she was the undead, not just faking.”

257
Archer4Trip gave a call
As the Limerick Monster did fall
Upon him with intent
His soul forth to rent
For crossovers that did appall.

258
Archer and Reed soon repent
about all the wasted time spent
Thinking up wicked schemes
’Bout the Vulcan of their dreams
’Cause her cold blood will fold up the tent.

259
B-deck wakes to the echo of screams
Both Archer’s AND Trip’s, so it seems
But why were they yelling???
Was there something compelling
That ripped them, full cry, from their dreams???
TO BE CONTINUED
(it’s a cliffhanger!)

260
The reason, no one is telling;
But Malcolm, while all panic quelling,
Puts out the fire
Begun by Jon’s blow dryer
And rumours of hair rugs dispelling.

261
Starfleet is going to hire
Some “muscle” folks who don’t perspire
At thoughts of guns blazing
Who can do deeds amazing
And loads of slash fiction inspire!

262
Trip’s not much for navel-gazing,
Prefering to spend time Hell-raising
But when it’s his sister
That’s when he get’s pissed, sir
and heads off for some Xindi-razing.

263
“I said you’re out of line, mister!
You verdant-skinned pustulant blister!”
Silik purred, “Come now, Jon,
just let me turn you on.”
Then Jon stopped playing the resistor.

264
Into the expanse Ent has gone
Is the “Expanse” set-up one big CON?
Only Porthos knows
So he comes to blows
With fans who just can’t get along.

265
To stay with the ship T’Pol chose
And follow where Jon boldly goes
But we know the truth
Jon’s callipygian, forsooth,
So she’ll follow behind if he’ll pose/And Trip has a helluva...nose.

266
Trip said, “When I was but a youth
I’d threaten to break off the tooth
Of the boys in the class
of the Tuckers’ wee lass
If they didn’t show charm, tact, and couth!”

267
We Tuckerites much praise the mass
of scripts featuring our boy’s...sass
We don’t want that smut
Or to fall in the rut
Of just looking at his mighty fine ass.

268
Malcolm feels it in his gut
There’s no way to ignore T’Pol’s butt
He then hatched a plan
To show her he was Man
And was not just all talking and strut.

269
Chef was working on his tan
While frying catfish in the pan
Trip helped out, au naturel
Having bid his clothes farewell
Till spitting oil burnt him on the can.

270
“Oh no! Burned myself! Dammit! Hell!
I did it again and I did it well!
Cook with vision and zest
But don’t do it undressed.”
Cried Trip as he watched the burns swell

271
“Cooking naked again?” Dr. Phlox guessed
“You really should give the guys a rest.
Though this may sound rude,
Frying chicken in the nude
Is no way to handle a breast!”

272
“I suppose you might call me a prude,
But don’t you think it’s a bit lewd
To stand there in Chef’s space
Just a smile on your face
While you’re lording it over our food?”

273
“But, Doctor, it’s really not base
Memories of events to erase
Imagine the fun
After you’re done
Of not leaving so much as a trace!”

274
Hoshi knew this was the one
The button that sets it on stun.
So she took careful aim
But now has the blame
for shooting T’Pol just for fun.

275
Now Archer’s XO is made lame
Though she swore it was just a game
Hoshi quietly cackled with glee
Because it was really her plan you see
To become Enterprise’s top dame.

276
Of all ’ships on the Tuckerite sea
Relationships are the most difficult to be
He cares about all
Which causes him to fall
Madly in love with everyone — even “he.”

277
On the bridge there was a brawl
Which caused Trip and Mal’s big fall.
Trip landed on top
and heard a loud *pop*
Coming from him on whom he did sprawl.

278
Mal gasped, “Commander, please stop —
My heart rate is starting to drop!
I’m feeling quite faint”
“Ah, hush yer complaint!
Though it’s too bad that we broke the prop!”

279
Trip continued, “I know I’m no saint.
Though my manners can be rather quaint
I’m here to bust some heads
And sunder marriage beds {{well, such as they are}}
But a cardiac crusher I ain’t!”

280
At that point, Mal needed some meds
For his nerves were hanging in shreds
Trip called him a “sissy”
Which made Mal quite pissy
So he socked Trip in both of his heads.

281
Trip said “Sorry that I was so dissy.”
Mal apologized for his fit hissy.
Will they kiss and make up?
and on caviar sup?
(skip the food, wych wants to see kissy!)

282
So the next time things start to heat up
Trip will offer Mal kindness’ cup.
’cause Southern boys are sweet
And as Trip’s special treat...
He’ll also offer Mal a quick shtupp.

283
Trip cares so much for Archer’s seat
He can’t bear a wrinkle or a pleat
To mar Jon’s Levis
And distress his fond eyes
Though he keeps his pants pressing discreet.

284
If Archer’s one of the “older guys”
That’s not to say he’s not a prize
He’s still fit and trim
Guys all over him
And girls looking on with their eyes

285
The losses in “Expanse” were grim
In come the Marines from the gym
If they’d wear some red shirts
We’d laugh at their hurts
And hope for this line: “He’s dead, Jim.”

286
Trip laid out a swath of desserts
With which he Jon’s willpow’r subverts.
“Come on, Cap’n, just a taste...”
“They go straight to my waist —
Spare poundage my fine form perverts!”

287
Malcolm said, “My worst fears I have faced
When I saw Trip becoming encased
in tons of white snot
With a captain who’s hot.
Seems my flirting may have been a waste.”

288
In the galley Chef’s stirring the pot
sweating gallons because it is hot.
Heat drives him insane,
it is frying his brain.
But that isn’t saying a lot!

289
In the armory Reed’s raising Cain,
Archer thinks the ship’s engine can be started with a chain,
“I just do weapons”
To Archer he mentions,
“In case there are aliens that need slayin’!”

290
Captain asked, “What’s for lunch? Are there buns?”
“That depends on how you like your puns,”
quipped the Chief Engineer.
“With relish,” my dear.
“I can’t get enough! Give me tons!”

291
“How ’bout a bagel with schmear?”
“Pass the cream cheese and lox over here.”
Mal asked for a scone
But then sat alone
As Archer at Tucker did leer...

292
“I’m desserted again!": Malcolm’s moan.
“They’re breakfasting.": Hoshi’s groan.
“You don’t like word play?
You’re a linguist! I say,
What happened to your funny bone?”

293
Then Travis approached with his tray
But the poor boy then tripped on the way.
His leg he did break
When he fell on his cake
But he still didn’t get a thing to say.

294
Excuse me, but I must digress
Wychwood finished her exams and yes,
They were a great trial
But she won by a mile
To praise for her resounding success.

295
Poor Tuckerite hearts they did ache
For the late Lizzie Tucker’s dear sake
Trip’s angst did uncover
His protectiveness of’er
Reminding of Sisko and Jake.

296
The crew couldn’t guess Tucker’s lover
by the shape that was under the cover
Could be Archer or Reed
or T’Pol, all agreed.
“Can’t recall...drank too much...bad hangover.”

297
The swelling’s begun to recede
Though a mark is all but guaranteed
A passionate hickey
Can only be tricky
If it’s seen on, not Archer, but Reed.

298
Black undershirts look like a dickie
under uniforms sweaty and sticky.
But where buttons abound
The shirt’s often found
To interfere with a nice quickie.

299
Malcolm heard a suspicious sound —
A phase pistol hitting the ground?
’Round the corner he rushed
And nearly got crushed
As T’Pol quickly turned around.

300
“Subcommander, I’m sorry!” Mal blushed.
“Do not speak so loudly!” T’Pol hushed
“The Captain is sleeping
So by I was creeping — ”
“Just like Father Christmas!” he gushed.

301
While Mal’s English Breakfast was steeping
he was filling a bowl full to heaping
of maple oatmeal.
Then he heard a loud squeal
and looked up to see Quantum leaping.

302
Archer looked like he’d swallowed an eel
As he wriggled and barked like a seal.
“When you beg you’re so cute!
Now, on your horn toot
and maybe this curse I’ll repeal!”

303
Trip’s disco dance ball was a hoot.
Archer wore his dad’s zoot suit.
T’Pol looked appalled
But Mal was enthralled
With Trip’s Saturday Night Fever salute.

304
The lack of explosions Mal galled
so he sat in his quarters and bawled
’Til Trip gave him a toy.
Malcolm cried out, “Oh, boy!
Let’s see who I can shave bald!”

305
“Oh no,” Trip cried, “don’t destroy
My mohawk ’do — my pride and joy!
It takes gallons of gel
And my stylist Miguel
And it makes me one hot boy toy!”

306
Then Travis his fears tried to quell.
Quoth razor-armed Mal: “Say farewell
To that trim style so staid —
We’re goin’ high top fade!”
Said Trip “No you don’t, what the hell?!”

307
A few trial swipes Malcolm made
through the air with his wicked sharp blade
He started to cackle
Until a swift tackle
pinned him to the floor, where he stayed.

308
“Get off me, you insolent jackal!
Or in our brig I shall you shackle!”
“Don’t threaten me, twit!
You’re a maniacal Brit!”
Mal’s fist then made Rostov’s teeth crackle.

309
“Mr. Tucker, you’d better submit!”
“Are you macking on me, you dumb git?”
“About time you saw!”
Trip picked up his jaw
when Mal proved his “kit” was legit.

310
“Well, Mal, there’s just one little flaw.
Though I’m flattered, I beg you withdraw
(Until Cap’n leaves)
Since one of his peeves
is when we flirt — it sticks in his craw!”

311
So Malcolm let go of Trip’s sleeves,
Saying, “Jealousy really aggrieves
our vessel’s fine skipper,
so we’ll just look chipper
Lest we give Captain Archer the heaves.”

312
“Still...” said Malcolm, unzipping his zipper,
I must show you my ‘Little Dipper’.”
He pulled from his pocket
An exquisite antique locket
And the likeness of his favorite stripper.

313
Trip’s eyes almost fell from their sockets.
“I don’t s’pose you’d want to hock it?”
Said Reed, “No! He’s mine!
Don’t you dare cross the line!
His furniture’s so grand none will mock it.”

314
“The locket, not the man, you swine!
The workmanship’s delicate and fine.”
Archer finally got bored
and left with his hoard
Which made Malcolm’s eyes start to shine

315
Mal gazed on the man he adored
His chance at Tucker restored.
“My dear friend, shall we go
Someplace private? You know,
I promise that you won’t be bored.”

316
[MUST... REDIRECT...FROM...T*M...]
With a smile and his face all aglow
Mal prepped himself for a good show
With thick soundproof walls
No one heard his loud bawls
As Trip confessed, “Archer’s my beau!”

317
With a raging howl that shakes the walls
And echoes through the young ship’s halls
Malcolm screams in frustration —
Drowns his pain in libation.
While Trip his Cap’n each night enthralls...

318
I’d sing and dance in exultation
for the boys to read our dissertation.
I never thought they’d see
work by li’l old me!
So go improve our reputation.

319
Poor Malcolm’s afraid of the sea
Although brave he appears to be.
It makes his knees shake
And his head start to ache
From his fear he cannot be free

320
Silik screamed “It’s an earthquake!”
Shran shrugged. “You want birthday cake?”
Archer soothed, “Fellas, please
Get up from your knees!”
As Soval shouted,"For logic’s sake!”

321
Duras then started to wheeze
Travis began climbing trees
Said Reed, “That’s not cricket!”
Trip demurred: “That’s the ticket!”
And Archer sang “Autumn Leaves.”

322
To him, Trip said, “Go and lick it.
And then we’ll find some place to stick it.”
So Mal pulled out a frog
A log, hog and a dog
And rabbit he found in a thicket.

323
T’Pol sent a letter back home
But Trip snuck a peek at her tome.
His face sure got red
When he saw all she said
About his habit of chewing on foam.

324
Hoshi hit Archer upside the head
Saying “Exit yourself from my bed!”
“I’m so sorry, my dear,
I shouldn’t be here.
But with Trip away, you’re up instead!”

325
“Ciao tutti” said A4T clear
I’m off to Italia, ya hear?
I’ll bring a picture of Trip
As my bargaining chip
For discounts at sites far and near.

326
Hoshi hit Archer upside the head
Saying “Exit yourself from my bed!
You’re a blanket hog
And I don’t like your sprog
So sleep with your beagle instead!”

327
Archer staggered away in a fog,
Accidentally tripped on his dog.
Porthos bared his fang
Cutler gasped “Dang!
That’s scary! Now I need some grog!”

328
Hoshi felt scarcely a pang
T’Pol’s father spat, “T’Dang!*
There she goes again!
Chasing tall Terran men!”
Next she’ll join that ‘emotional’ gang!”
*A little-known Vulcan swear word for “That damn kid!"

329
They were playing hide-and-seek when
Trip hid while Mal counted to ten.
But Trip’s... knee was showing...
“Showing"? T’was darned near “glowing"!
When he saw it, Mal shouted, “Big Ben!”

330
Trip continued with the to-and-fro-ing
by pointing out where Mal was stowing
His pistol. “So nyah!”
Archer frowned. “Boys, don’t gaaaah!
Down my shorts Phlox’s tribble is going!”

331
“Oh, no! It’s making me itch! Ah!”
“My plan went off without a hitch! Hah!”
Grinned Doc Evil! Phlox
As he closed up his box
And poured Boston tea from a pitch-ah.

332
Trip bent over to put on his socks
But the view from behind gave Mal shocks.
“Care to share?” Malcolm purred.
“Take your choice,” Tucker lured.
“I can’t choose ’twixt such wonderful hocks!”

333
With cream cheese all over chest furred
Trip one more serving demurred
“So try this!” said Archer
“Chef is warm! You’re all ‘brrrr!’ ”
whined Trip as he sniffed lemon curd.

334
Squicked out, Archer made his departure.
Trip: “Don’t take offense by my remark, Sir!”
Chef shrugged. “More for us.”
His look did Trip nonplus
As he sent out a vibe of hunger pure.

335
Over muscatel they did discuss
Phlox’s toe, all infected with pus.
Trav’s strange lack of speech
And the pulsing space leech
Made eating just not worth the fuss.

336
“Now,” said Reed, “I don’t want to preach,
But you’re wasting that soft fragrant peach.
So be careful. The juice
Has a much better use,
Such as sealing your warp core breach!”

337
“Lieutenant, please don’t be obtuse —
I know that you want my caboose
and the cargo, the engine;
So let’s see some action
’Cause my head of steam’s ’bout to break loose!”

338
Reed decided to act on attraction
Since Tucker proved such a distraction
He shyly drew near
whispering in his friend’s ear,
“You know, I just need satisfaction...”

339
Archer and Trip love to flirt
When they’re sweaty and covered in dirt.
A wee bit of grime
Makes the boys look just prime
Just right to eat for dessert

340
Travis was covered in slime
’Cause his move was not nearly in time.
He’d suggested a date
Not expecting an irate
Female who could throw on a dime.

341
“You’ve got some nerve, coming here late!”
snarled Trav’s anal-retentive gal Kate.
“I brought a present for you —
Talaxian brew —
but you don’t deserve it, ingrate!”

342
Poor Travis was in such a stew
He didn’t know what next to do.
Work the abs or the thighs?
They both provoke sighs
When he’s dressed in underwear blue.

343
Travis barfed, making Phlox realize
His cure he would have to revise.
Making Trav eat those bugs
And the bat blood in jugs
Compounds the excess of pecan pies.

344
So Phlox then gave Travis some new drugs
And a pat on the back and a few hugs.
“You’ll be just fine.”
“Can you spare any lines?
I speak less than Hoshi’s pet slug.”

345
“Nonsense! You just need a spine!”
The captain said, “You can use mine.
I don’t need it much —
just for limbo and such —
Since on the bridge I tend to whine.”

346
“Well then, Captain, how ’bout we go dutch?
I’ll only us it as a crutch
When I want to say more
Than ‘Aye Sir, warp four!’
And steer Ent away in the clutch!”

347
“Don’t do it, sir! Trav’s a real bore!”
Hoshi muttered. “He makes my ears sore.”
“Hey! That’s unfair!”
“Oh — I didn’t see you there.
Why are you crouched on the floor?”

348
“I sit here while I eat a pear
Making sure that my console is square.
For in the past I have found
That to have thoughts profound
It helps to have slightly less air.”

349
“This is why you make no sound —
You babble instead of expound!”
“But you can hear him!”
“He’s got four pips, there, Slim,”
snarked Trip. Travis sat there and frowned.

350
A bubbly young crewman named Tim
was working with Trav in the gym.
About Hoshi he was curious
But soon became furious
When she whomped his butt at a TacSim.*
*Tactial Simulation

351
A viewer said Trav’s muscles were spurious
But Anthony found this injurious.
“Since I don’t get enough
lines, I’d better be buff —
There’s no lovelier cast than we/us!”

352
Porthos lives aboard a ship that’s spacious
(It doesn’t echo, ’cause he’s not loquacious).
With him the crew would be well pleased
If he didn’t eat all the cheese
For when it comes to Swiss, he’s voracious!

353
The dog’s job on the crew is not “ruff”
Although lack of parkland is tough.
When he needs to cavort
He joins Jon in the sport
Known as TaeBo. That’s why they’re so buff.

354
Archer may call his dog “Port”
(instead of “Porthos") for short.
But the fond appellation
Joined with cheese deprivation
Do canine good feelings abort.

355
Much to Porthos’ frustration
Archer kept mentioning castration.
“Plans to get me ‘fixed’
Will soon by me be nixed,”
As Porthos threatened a laceration.

356
Much to Porthos’s frustration
Archer’s quarters had closed ventilation.
So anything stinky
No matter how dinky
Made Jon long for some pooch constipation.

357
Hoshi wore her childhood binky
like a great ring upon her left pinky
The colour was mixed
(solids Hana* deep-sixed)
And how she nursed it was just kinky.
*Hana: Japanese for “rosebud;” the nickname her mother called her as an infant

358
Malcolm’s chest smelled quite “Vicks"ed
After rough basketball left him “Knicks"ed
He’d been elbowed and gored
and his guarding ignored
Until he felt he’d been Hans Blixed.

359
Malcolm and Hoshi were floored
When they both saw the man they adored:
Leonardo da Vinci!
“Oh, I say!” “He’s just ginchy!
But what is he doing on board?”

360
T’Pol was feeling quite pinchy
since her catsuit was quite tight and cinchy
It made her bust burst
out of it, but the worst
was that up her butt it was inchy.

361
Seems like she’d always been cursed
With an unquenchable thirst.
Hourly trips to the head
Kept her up out of bed
Lest her teddy bear wind up immersed.

362
T’Pol said, “You sleep like the dead.”
“Would you rather I left?” Archer said.
“From what I see
I must leave by three
’Cause that’s when Reed’s due in MY bed!”

363
“...a grenade or just happy to see me?”
“You can find out — just a small fee.
It’ll pay for your rating
in Ordnance, stating
you’ve got skill to handle Class B.”

364
While Mal was lying there waiting
atremble, with breath he was bating,
Ajar swung the door
Entered: the one he’d adore
All ready to initiate mating

365
Just then Malcolm let out a roar,
Crying, “Didn’t I tell you before?
Tonight it’s ‘Nelson and the Middie,’
Not ‘Nixon and Liddy’!
Or no ‘Rodolfo and Contessa’ any more!”

366
Malcolm was feeling quite giddy;
Tucker’s heart, it went “patty-piddy.”
They drank wine together
From a flagon of leather
And loudly sang “Doo-Wah-Diddy-Diddy.”

367
Then Trip tickled Mal with a feather
As he pondered the question of whether
The words “Dum diddy doo”
Could mean “I love you”
In a language from the land of heather.

368
Starfleet’s uniforms used to be blue
In Kirk’s time they’re of all different hue
And tear so much better
When dry or when wetter
On ENT, there’s no thong peekaboo.

369
Porthos fell for an Irish setter
Even though he had only just met her.
She had quite the tail
And a taste for pale ale
And a fondness for pups who like cheddar.

370
Technically, Porthos was male,
though he’d been “fixed” young (a sad tale)
But with a new gland from Phlox
He’s full of vim, vigor, and mox*!
But his Setter found an Airedale.
*as in “moxie"

371
Reed’s alert knocks off everyone’s socks
Like obstreperous cats in a box
“Shut off that damn noise!”
Just watch Trip lose his poise
As he wishes on Mal’s house a pox.

372
“But, Commander, I do love my toys
Almost as much as I love boys.
Those I like older
But these I like bolder
The better to make a loud noise.”

373
“That alert sound makes my eardrums molder!
I don’t like to give the cold shoulder
But can’t you tone it down?”
Said Trip with a frown
As Mal gave a pulchritudinous smoulder.

374
The Disaster Twins, out on the town,
Osculate, the verb, but who’s the noun?
Is it a she or a he
Has it one head or three
Does it matter? They both seem down.

375
Said Trip, “I just want to be free
To spend my time — just thee and me.”
With an unaccustomed blush
And a pinch on the tush,
Chutzpah won over hesitancy.

376
He was trying hard not to gush
But on his face, a telltale flush.
He’d just met his god
Yanked the apron from his bod
And of the potatoes made mush.

377
“I can’t believe I just got scrod!
On the menu it clearly said ‘cod’!”
“Don’t fret, my sweet muffin —
I’d much prefer stuffin’
You with my own specialty, thawed.”

378
“And just so you know I’m not bluffin’
Here’s something to set you off puffin’
Check under my codpiece —
What’s that? You’re the chef’s niece?!
Well, I have to say that cools the oven!”

379
“That’s no reason for you to cease.
Pie’s on the menu. Have a piece!
And after dessert
You can look up my skirt
To what’s found I give you full lease!”

380
“While on the bridge, I like to flirt
Though I dare try nothing too overt.
T’Pol can feel my eyes
Should they gaze upon her thighs
And heav’n help me if I stare at her shirt!”

381
Much to Liz Cutler’s surprise
She was intrigued by Rostov’s “lies.”
His incondite ode
Writ in binary code
Was really a limerick, disguised.

382
“So you think you’re a poet,” Liz crowed.
“Prithee, speak in Shakespearean mode;
it doth make my heart flutter
And melt as does butter — ”
“Pardon, I must needs use the commode!”

383
As she exited, Rostov did mutter:
“Must get my mind out of the gutter.
She is pretty high class
And a beautiful lass.
I’m not worthy to be her butler!”

384
After the polo game, Jon had no sass:
“I can’t believe I just lost to a bass!
My partner was cod-less
With a well filled-out bodice
And a mallet I did love to harass.”

385
Thought by some to be rather godless
But never accused of being bod-less,
Hoshi takes home top prize
With her sakura thighs,
And her maidenly virtue stays spotless.

386
At her crewmen she likes to make eyes
And translations she tries to devise
They might start to laugh
When she makes a gaffe
But then they get past their surprise.

387
Forrest likes briefing his staff
Warns he, “Avoid galactic riff raff!
If they find out our plans,
We’ll be also-rans,
And we need no more proof that we’re naf!”

388
Our favorite boys posted their banns
And invited both of their clans.
The party was loud,
Their posturing proud,
The desserts all featured pecans.

389
The girls stood sad, with heads bowed,
Lamenting they weren’t so endowed
But never fear
for they were all queer
And never again to be cowled.

390
Our good Phlox never fails to endear
People see he is no one to fear.
Though his smile gives the creeps
His pets emit peeps
And his hiccups are fright’ning to hear.

391
Said Jon, “My pie’s better by leaps.
It’s garnered blue ribbons in heaps.
Whether apple, blueberry,
Or full of neat sherry
It’s so tasty that even Chef weeps!”

392
Chef and Jon were making merry
Like young boys from Bristol and Derry
They had a good larf
When Trip took a barf
as he fell off the side of the ferry.

393
Chef said,"Though you’re starved, please don’t scarf
down all my cheese, Pinky!” “Narf!
But Brain, I likes cheese!”
“It’s Chef, not Brain, please!
And you’d better watch out for my sparth!”

394
“So, Pinky, get down on your knees!”
(such activity never fails to appease)
“Don’t make me beg
Get out your third leg
And we’ll take it from there by degrees.”

395
Space Marines are all fond of a keg
And often drain it, down to the last dreg
When Reed takes offense
They tell him he’s dense
And to stop quoting every last reg.

396
Angry, Reed shouted, “Get thee hence!”
At three Marines, all immense.
They belched, laughed, and said,
“You think we are ill-bred?
Well, perhaps you’ve a little of sense!”

397
Malcolm groaned. “Oh, my aching head!
I’m about halfway to my deathbed!
That whisky was strong
and that stupid song —
‘Faith of the Heart’ should be dead!”

398
Just then Trip turned up in a thong
“Why Malcie, whatever is wrong?”
Malcie groaned, turning green
Promptly puked up his spleen
Said Tucker, “Is that egg foo yong...”

399
Reed said “How could you be mean
Examining vomit, it’s just not my scene
Such a practice is dire
Certainly doesn’t inspire
Christ Trip, find me caffeine.”

400
“Lieutenant, do you not admire
My tasteful and stylish attire?”
“I think you’re a dish
If a little too swish
But still you quench my desire.”

401
“But to please you is my only wish
See, I’ve brought a knish*!
So how ’bout a snack?
To fill that wee crack
And keep that upper lip stiffish.”
*a Jewish potato dumpling snackie

402
Said Reed, “Will you please turn your back
While I deposit my lunch in this sack?
I prefer to brown-bag
So no one can tag
my watercress roll as ‘For Zack.’ ”

403
“But my appetite’s begun to flag
and my eyelids are starting to sag
So, dear friend, pray
Keep Porthos away—
Thoughts of dog hair in cheese make me gag!”

404
“My thoughts are beginning to stray...”
Our dear Trip had just started to say
When Reed interrupted
With more food erupted
Said Trip “that’s the third time today.”

405
Since all thoughts of lunch were disrupted
By Stilton and Brie so corrupted,
Forget about lunch
And go with this hunch
Until further instructed.

406
Trip whined, “Now I’ve nothing to munch! ”
Archer offered him hotdogs and punch
With poundcake and jam,
provolone, tavern ham,
And some Kosher dills to provide crunch. 

407
Trip whined, “Now I’ve nothing to munch! ”
Archer offered him hotdogs and punch
With poundcake and jam
And an ensign named “Sam”
Trip had a mighty fine lunch.

408
Said Archer, “This food tastes like spam!
Now if anyone’s angry, I am.
I expected roast beef,
But it seems that some thief
Left me only pork shoulders and ham!”

409
Phlox turned over a leaf
Tried to keep his comments brief
While the movie played
The good mood stayed
Placid as fish in a coral reef.

410
T’Pol might appear rather staid,
But her temper is constantly frayed
So she’ll sit in the dark
And a candle she’ll spark
For calmness, she finds, is an aid.

411
“Reed, you little Brit nark!”
Yelled Tucker one day for a lark.
“You spoiled my joke
— You’re just like your folk!
You can’t take a kidding remark!”

412
“You go out of your way to provoke
Others’ ire, you foolish bloke!
Just let it alone — ”
“Could you not piss and moan?
It’s the Vulcan I’m trying to stoke.”

413
Poor Tucker let out a groan
And pinched his nasal bone
“Damn, Mal, she’s a Vulcan!”
“Well, don’t stand there ‘sulkin’,’
Go out and get one of your own!”

414
In the galley Tucker was skulkin’
When in came a marine, hulkin’
Chef wasn’t cooking,
but she was just looking
For a snack to eat while she read Tolkien.

415
She reached out her arm and by crooking
Her hand she succeeded in hooking
A pie made of chocolate,
some pastry, a crumpet,
And a scone without even looking.

416
Then Trip popped out, crying, “You strumpet!”
Said she: “You don’t like it? Then lump it!”
“But you’ve taken the best
sweets and left us the rest
of the fruitcake — so that whole plate? Dump it!”

417
“Commander, stop being a pest!”
“Marine, you are still just a guest!”
“I’m not, I’m your sister!”
“You aren’t — how I’ve missed her —
and that’s why we’re all on this quest!”

418
The Marine looked non-plussed and said, “Sir...
From the tone of your voice I infer
That my presence disturbs you
I’m not made of green goo!
My feelings are hurt by the slur.”

419
“I meant no insult, but just who
the hell do you think you are to
compare yourself to Lizzie?
So pardon the tizzie,
But I’m hurtin’. If you only knew!”

420
“Forgive me. How ’bout a drink fizzy
Like Alka-Seltzer?” “I’m too busy.”
“Come off it! — You’re shirking!”
“That’s not true! I’m working
Out how to make T’Pol’s clothes invizzy!”

421
The disturbed Marine started perking
As she noticed T’Pol nearby, lurking
“Oh my god, you’re a doll!”
Replied T’Pol, “Oh how droll”
Her head dismissively jerking.

422
“So, I’m reading Tolkien — this troll
who was fighting with Bilbo — ” T’Pol
interjected, “I’ve read it.”
“Now wait just a minute.
The best part’s on this grassy knoll.”

423
“Relax — come here by me and sit
Let me show you this one little bit
’Bout a magical ring.
’Twas a most precious thing
And it’s owner could make men submit!”

424
Just then, came a very loud ZING!!!
Trip wondered aloud, “What’s that thing?
That fried the warp coil.
Who forgot to add oil?
Is there no one in Engineering?”

425
“My life is just nothing but toil
Anything nice they will spoil
I’ll go in a bit
But right now I’ll sit
Here, and lance this large boil.”

426
“Here, Trip,” said the Cap’n, “let me hold it,”
as he picked up the surgical kit.
“It’s infected for sure
And time for a cure,
Though my fee’s somewhat high, I’ll admit.”

427
Trip grinned and looked so demure
That Archer couldn’t help but be sure
The time had arrived
To run off and hide
So they didn’t have a repeat of before.

428
Chef watched from the door, looking snide
’Til Lieutenant Reed pulled him aside.
“So give me a kiss!
Cuz last night was bliss!
And tonight I’m fit to be tied.”
429
Chef watched from the door, looking snide
’Til Lieutenant Reed pulled him aside.
“So give me a kiss!
Cuz last night was bliss!”
“Rehearsing again, Reed?” Chef sighed.
430
Chef watched from the door, looking snide
’Til Lieutenant Reed pulled him aside.
“So give me a kiss!
Cuz last night was bliss!
And I won’t have my passion denied.”

431
“Your love I would never dis(s)
My heart is a yawning abyss...”
“Cut!” yelled crewman Dwight.
“That’s all for tonight.
Show’s tomorrow — dress rehearsal don’t miss!”

432
Amdram* is young Reed’s delight
“Young Reed?” snickered Trip, out of sight
“I am just thirty-four!!”
“You’ve said that before.”
“And I’ll say it again — that all right?!?”
*Amdram = amateur dramatics

433
Reed seemed to feel rather sore
At this unpleasant slur from a boor.
“You’ve my honor offended —
it must needs be defended —
You realize that this means war!”

434
“To dueling have we then descended?”
Asked Trip. “Tell me what you intended.”
“I intend not to age,
For the sake of Reed Rage.
And my personnel file’s been amended.”

435
Malcolm’s anger Trip could not assuage.
His blood pressure burst off the gauge
and startled poor Phlox
who in turn dropped his rocks
And broke the Pyrithian bat’s cage.

436
The bat’s flight scared Trip out of his socks
So he stumbled into a big box
Which held an odd creature
With the interesting feature
Of resembling a rowing boat cox.

437
“You remind me of my old teacher
Who was also a part-time preacher,”
Said Trip to the thing.
“Sir, that’s insulting!”
“No, no — I’m pleased to meetcha!”

438
“So shall we discuss The One Ring?
Or how hippogriffs might take wing?”
“No, none of that junk!
I’d rather get drunk
Than listen to your babbling.”

439
“I see that you have lots of spunk.”
To Trip: “You’ve the scent of a skunk.”
“Well yer mother’s a squirrel!”
“Yer an unshaven churl,
But that look kind of works on a hunk!”

Would you date Trip in a box?
Would you double-date with Phlox?
Would you date him on a dare?
Would you, could you, date him bare?
Would you date him wearing red?
Would you date Mal Reed instead?
Would you date both fine young men?
Would you pay for lunch in yen?

440
“So you’re a face-hair kinda girl?”
“Face-hair kinda boy — the name’s Earl.”
“A cross-dressing beast!
Ah don’t care in the least.
You look awfully cute with that curl.”

441
“So c’mon and let’s go for a whirl,
Within this box we will twirl.”
“No thanks, I’ll be sick
and vomit real quick —
And I only eat mother-of-pearl!”

442
So the marine is a young sexy chick
With a wicked-ass tae kwon do kick
And a mean attitude
(Yet never a prude)
And a hat that just says “Kiss Me Quick!”

443
Hoshi met this surfer dude
Who preferred to hang ten in the nude.
Said she, “I’ll wax your board”
As Ban de Soleil she poured
on his back, but it spilled in the food.

444
But the nachos Hoshi soon restored
And the al fresco smorgasbord
Of lobster and crabs
Served off wash-board abs
Were all that her beau could afford.

445
After dinner, they drank Cokes and Tabs
As she tried to fend off secret grabs
From the man — rather keen
Who enjoyed being seen
In seafood dribs and drabs.

446
“You are my mermaid queen,”
Said he, smiling wide, looking lean.
“So what do you say
We go out in the bay
To a place where we cannot be seen?”

447
“Disappear with a stranger? No way!
That violates Safety Rule A!”
“Never mind about that.
I just wanted to chat,
But it’s ‘hard to get’ you want to play!”

448
He was gracious and he tipped his hat
So she didn’t hit him with a bat
She just dismissed him and said,
“Begone! Off to bed!”
He was bowled in one — Howzat?!

449
Engineers wear stripes of red
(far safer than red shirts instead).
Lending them a certain flair;
Still, not better than bare,
But much preferred to being dead.

450
They’ve an aura of savoir faire
And about danger, they do not care
They are handy with tools
Suffer gladly no fools
And they still have magnificent hair.

451
When Doc Phlox is happy he drools
Which caused ire in Denobulan schools
For one day in class
He found he would pass
Blissful and perfectly formed stools.

452
Our dear Tucker was grief struck, alas!
He could not seem to catch any bass!
So Trip made a wish
Then found a catfish
Which he cooked for his favorite lass.

453
“Oh, Sugah, this is so delish!”
She said, giving her hair a swish
“Glad you like it, Momma,
It’s a break from High Drama
Eating with MACO, an’ dodgin’ a dish.”

454
The commando from old Yokohama
Once courted a highly strung llama.
Though she’d never admit
She left in a fit
of pique when he ate her book Rama.

455
Malcolm and Trip from Nantucket
Gave Archer a gift in a bucket
It wasn’t a pistol
or a sharp stick from Bristol
and as for the bucket, Nan tucket.

456
There was a young man named Trip Tucker
Whose tool box would make the girls pucker
The screwdriver was hefty
The saw was built for a lefty
And the gals all proclaimed him “Great ...fellow.”

457
To film ENT you need cash by the fist-ful.
Long hours can make the cast wistful
and lonely for home.
When their minds start to roam
They remember their pay clear as crystal.

458
Hoshi her hair loved to comb
(she feared’s her dad’s bald gleaming dome).
When she borrowed Reed’s conditioner
Without his permission, her
Head started gleaming like chrome.

459
Porthos has lots of dog fur
His daddy they all should call “Sir.”
They both eat their spinach
Though okra makes them itch
And kale causes gas they concur.

460
Maywhat’shisname got a sandwich
Though it didn’t include a manwich.
Though he wasn’t a veggie
The meat seemed too heavy
So with Hoshi he made an entrée switch.

461
Digging into her plate of nut sedge*, he
cut himself on a knife edgy
“Ouch that hurt!” he cried
“Well then, you’ve not tried
The pain from an atomic wedgie!”
nut sedge: noun: a widely distributed perennial sedge having small edible nutlike tubers

462
“Once you’ve had one, you’re fit to be tied!
But we Brits can take it in stride.”
So Trip practiced on Reed,
Showed his technique and speed,
And ran off before being phaser-fried.

463
“Commander, did you really need
to humilate me?” he did plead.
“Oh yes I did,”
Trip said as he hid
from Malcolm. (Though he didn’t succeed.)

464
The Englishman stalked, skulked, and slid
through the corridors, tense and fervid,
With his weapon held ready
His aim sure and steady
(until Trip Mal’s bootlace undid).

465
Mal rose and thwacked Trip on the headie
So now Trip thought he was Freddie.
He was scaring the crew
They knew not what to do
Several lay dead already.

466
Just then Malcie had a big spew
And that to Trip was a clue
To put down the blades
Put on his shades
And go Ahhh-nie on what’s left of the crew.

467
So equipped with a few stun grenades
Trip left on a few escapades
To beat the bad guys
Not in hope for a prize
But he wouldn’t refuse accolades.

468
With a murderous look in his eyes
And without an attempt to disguise
His passion for fashion
(No, he never goes clashin’)
He looked cool as he sought Xindi spies.

469
“I don’t know the meanin’ of compassion!”
Cried Trip, through the Xindi blood splashin’
“When you’ve had enough,
Show me that rough stuff.”
Whispered Archer, his deep green eyes flashin’.

470
Once Archer had looked really buff
In fact, he may have even looked tough.
But alas, time does pass
And though he may still sass
Only Trip knows it’s all just a bluff.

471
“In my book you still are first class,”
Said Trip to the face in the glass
“But I want get-backs
Don’t confuse me with facts
I’m going to hit him with a bass.”

472
So he went after foes with an ax
And Phlox’s skills he did tax
To come up with a cure
for “Limbs on the Floor”
and “Suffering from Forty Whacks.”

473
But Trip was still bent on torture
Indeed, he was very sure
But then he saw light
Indeed it was bright
And now he don’t torture no more.

474
I got my Trip figure! All right!
His Starfleet blues fit very tight.
With a bulge that’s well-placed
Is this in good taste?
Or he’s happy to see us tonight!

475
He does look a little blank-faced
Maybe they made him in haste.
Or he’s trying to hide
All the feelings inside
As of Jon he thinks thoughts unchaste.

476
Where to place him evay must decide:
In the credenza — what side?
In front or in back?
Next to Malcie or Jack?
Or somewhere else she hasn’t tried?

477
The AF of Trip has no lack
Of an odor which came from the pack-
age in which he was sent.
Indeed, the great scent
May help ward off housecat attack!

478
The AF of Trip has no lack
Of an odor which came from the pack-
age in which he was sent.
Indeed, the great scent
Knocked evay right onto her back.

479
Some parts of AF Trip are bent,
Some bulge out, and here there’s a dent
but don’t worry, kids,
there’s still plenty of bids
To find out where his pants went!

480
He has a blank look with eyelids
Projecting a stare which forbids
What does he see?
Is it you or me?
Or a group of “singing” katydids?

481
We grasp our AFs with glee
and think, “where would we all be
if someone was cruel
and took out a tool
to cut off our Trip at the knee?”

482
Trip’s takin’ them Xindi to school
Let’s hope he don’t look like a fool
’Cos if he goes round the bend
He’ll start up the trend
And nobody wants “Trip the Ghoul.”

483
Towards Vegas the Tuckerites wend
Their way to the con where they intend
They all bring along
a bright pink thong
And feast their eyes on Trip’s rear end.

484
Just to see his smile they’ll join the throng
And maybe even sing him a Tuckerite song
But most importantly
just make sure to be
Polite, nice, coherent, and not long.

485
Ah, oh, alas, woe is me
How I do wish I could be
At a Tuckerite show
Where Trip fans all go
To see all that there is to see.

486
Trip likes it when Mal bends down low
When the crew is playing limbo
Mal gets under the stick
and slithers past, quick,
While Trip screams with delight “You my ho’!”

487
Says Mal, “That’s not my only trick,
You should see what I do with my <click>
...damn UPN feed!
this is *just* what I need!
“WOW!” said Trip, spent, “that’s really quite thick!”

488
Ah yes, our boys are a dying breed
Wowsers’ advice they never heed
“Pssst, Connor! Advice from what?”
“Read your script, Dom!” “Shut
up, Mister Keating! Ad-libs we don’t need!”

489
A xindi-sloth sleeps in his hut
forever greater than King Tut.
But Trip’s on his way
The Xindi to slay
With Archer he’ll kick all their butt.

490
On ENT there is no one to say
’Cause all they ever do is play
backgammon and darts
Endless games of “strip-Hearts”
And “What’s in Chef’s Mystery Soufflé?”

491
Trip must now go out to marts
To find a brand new set of parts
A replacement injector,
A “hot babe” detector,
And Shuttlepod Seven-shaped tarts.

492
Reed captured a Xindi defector
While he was trying to drive a tractor
“Stop in the name of John Deere!
I’ll kick your arse clean out of here!”
Sato sighed, “My hero, RE: Hector.”

493
“Get out of my way, you! Stand clear!”
Said Reed, “I have nothing to fear!
I hang from the ceiling
and while my head’s reeling
read limericks in mirrors, my dear!”

494
While hung by his heels, Reed lost feeling
So when he stood up he went wheeling
Around and around
And fell on the ground.
Then he laid there just moaning and squealing.

495
Everyone plugged their ears as the sound
Made them want a way t’ stop it be found
“Shut up, Reed, please,”
They begged on their knees
“That noise on our skulls does so pound.”

496
“A stint out in space is a breeze,”
Said Tucker to his main squeeze.
“There’s no air in space,”
Groaned Reed to his face.
“And besides that, you’ll probably freeze.”

497
Said Trip, “But there’s no better place
For a frosty yet delicious embrace.”
“Tom Paris you’re not —
Nor I Klingon hot —
It’s a good thing I’ve got this canned Mace!”

498
New Guest Star: Robby Robot!
Who’ll be in next week’s top spot?
Two-headed Zaphod?
“Beeblebrox, my old sod!”
“Where’s your towel, frood?” “It’s my new ascot!”

499
Or maybe a being with god-
Like powers and a human male bod.
(But Trinneer’s cast already!)
(Maybe “Q” in a teddy...)
And then we’ll all stand and applaud!

500
“Full ahead, helm — straight and steady.
And ease up upon the foot, “Leady"...
The thought of Q being dressed
in Victoria’s Secret’s best
Has me more than a bit queasy — veddy!

501
What will Jon do for Trip? Fans have guessed,
since with OMT’s head they’ve messed,
That they will sustain
To their friendship a strain
And neither will see Q undressed.

502
Silik is Jon Archer’s bane.
Soval’s transparent as a glass pane.
They both raise his hackles;
He’ll put them in shackles
And bore them with speeches inane.

503
For six months now we’ve played this game,
And found neither honour nor fame.
With rhymes like “Phlox Rox,”
And that tribble’s box,
We’ve found a new meaning of “lame.”

504
“Don’t waste time with those jackals!”
Malcolm malevolently cackles
“Phlox’s pets are starving,
so let’s start carving
Up some bass, dace, pike, and mackerel!”

505
“Don’t waste time with those jackals!”
Malcolm malevolently cackles
“Come here; worship meee!
And then the Xindi will be
forcefed rotting fish. — Holy mack’rel!”

[There’s a long-standing joke among certain Star Trek: Voyager fans that Robert Beltran’s performance as Chakotay was really wooden, so jokes about trees and wood were frequent.]

506
He exclaimed as he caught sight of a tree
standing where a bulkhead should be.
“Commander ChaOaktay?
On this ship? I say!
You’re violating the Temporal PD!”

507
Robert Beltran said “Nay!”
“I just dropped in on my way.”
“On your way to the dump,
don’t you mean, whining chump?
Since you’re here can you hang out and play?”

508
“Captain Kate will be mad, and she’ll bump
Me down to cadet — Ensign Gump
Will outrank poor ole me!
And B’Elanna will see
I’m assigned to clean out the waste pump!”

509
“You deserve it — you’re boring and whiny...
Why do I talk to this tree made of pine-y?!”
So Malcolm walked out
To have a good pout
And reflect upon T’Pol’s great hiney.
510
“You deserve it — you’re boring and whiny...
Why do I talk to this tree made of pine-y?!”
So Malcolm walked out
(Of the closet, no doubt)
And Trip said, “I knew you’d by mine-y.”

511
Archer talks about honor and duty
But the crew thinks he is a bit fruity
But some day he may
Turn out to be gay
Like he was in American Beauty.

512
Said Connor, “What rubbish they spout!
These limericks need a good clout.”
So he lifted his pen
And wrote “To Ah’len”
And the Tuckerites jumped all about.

513
Trip likes to watch ESPN
Archer prefers CNN
Mal’s fave: BBC
Hoshi: HGTV
But for Trav it’s Nickleodeon.

514
I hate getting spoiled for S3!
Don’t tell me who’s shagging or free!
Ignorance is bliss
And so I dismiss
These rumors of Trip and T’P.

515
Don’t tell me a thing! Not even who’ll kiss!
“A virgin viewer, I’ll be!” I shall hiss.
Thread titles shouldn’t reveal hint hint
What someone might feel
On spoilers, I’ll take a miss.

516
I love Trip’s muscles of steel
More often he should them reveal
In his brief tighty-blues
He incites our passionate hues
And our cheeks blush as with cochineal.

517
Shran tap-danced in his pink shoes
Said Archer, “Next time, no more blues.
“These pills are too strong
And the opera too long,
And you can’t tap to 2LiveCrews.”

518
Will “Enterprise” get a new song?
A new title? The old one was “wrong"?
an inspirational tune
will get MACOs to croon
Led by Chang, and his life partner Wong

519
Perhaps they should use “Claire de Lune”
I’ll bet that would not clear the room
like “Faith of the Heart”
“No! Don’t let HIM start!”
Russell Watson makes us all feel gloom.

520
There once was a Klingon named Bart
Who cleaned up at the Bat’telh Mart
He was the gheghest blade
And never once afraid
Since he used a dk’tagh for a dart.

521
In Vegas the con-goers paid
To bask in the glow ENT stars made.
We watched Connor play craps;
With John we weren’t saps;
Did our “Faith of the Heart” serenade.

522
Connor’s shirt made us think that perhaps
His taste had finally lapsed
It was bright and so loud
TOP 41 turned to the crowd
And said, “I think I’ll take Connor UNwrapped!”

523
A4T did us Tuckerites proud.
When he met our boy he was not cowed.
Despite CT’s threads
In paisley and reds
It was his charisma which wowed.

524
Coherent thoughts were left in shreds
That blazing shirt sure turned some heads
And then the face
Brought down the place
“It must be a case for the Feds!”

525
Oh, Connor Trinneer is a case
For the team from “Without a Trace”
They don’t have a clue
With his skills what to do
And so for bad plotlines we brace.

526
“Don’t make me resort to haiku!”
And put that sloth back in the zoo!
Start the season right now
’Fore evay has a cow
And resorts to literary Kung Fu.

527
And while we’re at it, just how
will T’Pol break her logic-al vow?
(A better question is “why” —
the X - I - N - D - I?)
Will she fling herself from the ship’s prow?

528
When Trip Tucker started to cry
His friend tried to cheer him with pie
But his heart won’t be healed
while T’pol’s lips stay sealed
Which may be until piggies can fly.

529
Just what will The Expanse reveal?
Will they find a way Trip’s grief to heal?
Will they find knowledge lost?
And what will the cost
Be to Trip and Jon’s friendship ideal?

530
The rules out the airlock are tossed
When Expanse boundaries ENT has crossed.
Make peace or wage war?
How to even the score?
With the Xindi who we now must accost.

531
“More Enterprise! More, more, more!”
Patience! We’ll soon see what’s in store.
A new look for T’Pol
suit — two sizes too small
But Travis will still be line-poor.

532
“Commander, you really have gall,
Mascotting for that Xindi strip mall.”
Dressing up like a Sloth
’Cause they don’t wear cloth...”
You know, I don’t like this limerick at all.

533
With foam at the mouth Mal did froth
“Commander, I’m vewwy vewwy cwoth. {Lisping due to excessive frothiness}
I athed for some thoup
to thettle my croup
and Chef’th given me Brioschi broth!”

534
Archer puts Trip through a hoop
And his heart goes loop-de-loop
He looks down at his horn
“Trip, did you eat some corn?”
He says as he wipes off the poop.

threats of haiku hang
like shirts in mr trinneer’s
wardrobe — palpable

535
An idea in Jon’s head was born
As his heart over Angst!Trip was torn
“I know how to soothe those cries
This’ll help those tears in your eyes
We’ll just watch some hot private...corn.”

536
But Cap’n, you know I despise
Seeing Jack Lemmon’s disguise
In Some Like It Hot —
‘Quantum Leap’ it’s sure not,
And you’ve sure got much sweeter eyes!”
YEAH! A4T’s back!
537
“But Cap’n, you know I despise
Being seen with tears in my eyes.”
“Here’s my hanky <blot blot>
I care not a jot!
What you feel, you shouldn’t disguise!”

538
Poor Travis said, “There’s one spot
That I’d rather be in it than not
When we lose gravity
— it’s already Zero-G
So I can’t drop anything hot!”

539
A roll of the eyes from Hoshi.
“Is that all you think about? Tea?”
“And ice cream!” said Travis.
“My taste buds are in bliss
but it’s cold if I spill it on me!”

540
“Ice cream? I’ll give it a miss.”
Said Trav: “Then how ’bout a kiss?”
“Let’s give it a spin!”
He gave her a grin
And nothing at all went amiss.

541
“Why, Doctor, you’re looking so thin!
Though I see you can still pack it in.
Whatever’s your trick?
You still look like a stick.”
Said Phlox, very simply, “Just gin.”

542
“If I drank that much I’d be sick,”
said Mal, “And develop a tic.”
“Not me!” said Trip.
“I can chug it or sip —
gin, ale, or beer, take your pick.”

543
Tucker asked, “Nachos and dip?”
Chef purred, “But cream I can whip.”
Said Mal, “Cut it out!”
Trip showed a sweet pout.
“But this is the tastiest ’ship!”

544
Mal said, “What I’m excited about-
Is this red-hot MACO! No Doubt.”
With spasms ecstatic,
Reed, weapons fanatic,
Jumped up and down with a shout.

545
“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic!”
“I’m not, I’m just being emphatic!”
“You’re in a right snit!”
“Oh, but just think of it!”
I generate more sparks than static!

546
“He’s hot, get my oven mitt.”
“Hold him by the elbow, not tit!
He’s going to combust!”
“My object of lust!”
Whether baked, stewed, or fried — he’s a hit!

547
The warp core was covered in rust
Along with a layer of dust.
The crew all were sleeping
’Cept for Trip who was creeping
Toward Captain Archer with lust. (oooh la la)

548
See, this bad witch, on to the bridge sweeping,
had cast the spell, her vengeance a-reaping
Trip, back from Earth mourning sis,
Now bent down to wake Jon with his kiss
Little knowing the warp core was seeping.

549
A lurch caused poor Trip’s lips to miss
Waking Porthos first! (long he’d try to erase this)
“Beagle breath! Gross!”
And looking morose,
“Now I’m not in the mood,” he did hiss.

550
Still, the good captain needed a dose
Of charming prince lips, pressed so close.
So Trip tried again
And this tableau of men
Did all A/T ’shippers engross.

551
Trip wandered into the den
of three bears, and was eating when
The big one said, “You!
You’ll make a good stew.”
’Cause bears like eating meat now and then.

552
“And besides, you’ve been drinking our brew!”
Trip looked innocent and said, “Who?
Not li’l ol’ me!
Would you like some honey?”
And fluttered his big eyes so blue.

553
The bear thought his new guest was funny
And the outlook for friendship was sunny
In swept Goldie, so meek
(Alien babe of the week)
and said, “Let’s go back to your quarters, bunny!”

554
The bear’s sunny outlook had turned bleak
His guest was heading “up the creek.”
Bear called out, “Don’t go!”
Trip hollered back, “No!
If we get busy here you might peek.”

555
But his choice to leave was a show;
He knocked out the bint with one blow.
“Goldie” was a he
— a Suliban, gee! —
and green skin with blond hair don’t go.

556
Hoshi’s evil sis, T’Pol: “Clean for no fee!”
“Tote that bar, lift that bale, chop that tree!”
Fairy-Godmother Phlox
Said “I’ll make you a fox!
But by back here by twelve, not by three.”

557
Prince Trip saw her feet, said, “Nice socks.
Let’s dance all night — have a drink — scotch on rocks.”
But the chime of the bell
Sadly ended the spell
Before they could get to detox.*
*As in decon.

558
Trip set out for where Granny did dwell
With a basket of Girl Scout cookies to sell
A Xindi-Wolf he met
“My cookies you won’t get!
And if you don’t watch out, there’ll be hell.”

559
Said the Wolf, “I’m so happy we met!
That’s the cutest red cloak I’ve seen yet!
Where’d you get it (and how much for)?
Perhaps a Xindi Eagle store?”
“Not at all,” said young Trip. “’Twas Target.”

560
“But please explain the size of your
shoes. They quiver me down to my core!”
“All the better, my dear,
my footsteps to hear
as I come across your wood floor.”

561
“And of such bigness your ear!
And your huge eyes make me fear.”
“Pshaw! Those are props!”
Said the wolf, licking chops
“But how scary do my teeth appear?”

562
“Your sweet face my little heart stops!”
said Trip, looking for his Mace drops.
Then Mal rushed in shooting
Trip said “Yer damn tootin’!”
And they beat the wolf with riding crops.

563
Our Boy Trip a cottage did find
That ’twas gingerbread he did not mind.
Hoshi left a trail
to find home without fail
But the crone who lived there was near blind.

564
Her food she liked fresh and not stale
She cooked every day without fail
“A Starfleet girl and boy?
I’ll cook them with soy!”
Poor Trip and Hoshi did quail.

565
“For a dinner fit for the Savoy
I’ll fatten them up.” But her ploy
By Archer was thwarted
And Mal quickly sorted
out Trip from the peas and bok choy.

567
The stranded crew built three small huts.
“Don’t build that from straw! Are you nuts?
And not wood, either, ick!
You must build with brick
So Xindi-Wolves can’t rip out your guts!”

568
A nasty Xindi-Wolf named Nick
Destroyed both the hay and the stick
But was stymied by stone.
Yes, his wolf-breathed cyclone
Was not nearly enough to do the trick.

569
On the way to Bremen, alone,
Porthos found three friends and a large bone
Together they “sang”
“Icky-icky p’tang!”
“Monty Python?” the village did groan.

570
Jon said, “But I told you to do it!”
Said Trip, “Aw, shucks — well, guess I blew it...
It was jus’ a scratch
On the shuttlebay hatch
All I need is to get a round tuit!”

571
“This tuit,” said Jon, “ — we’ve a batch
In Cargo Bay One — find a match!”
So Tucker dived in
And scratched all his skin
It’s nothing but rough justice, natch!

572
Porthos growled and showed them one fang
Which worked well to scare off that gang
The village ran screaming
Their bald heads gleaming
So the “PortFour” debuted with a bang.

573
The prisoner of a witch scheming,
T’Pol in her tower sat dreaming
(oops — Vulcans don’t dream!)
She hoped for a beam-
out, or a least rescue teaming.

574
From the use of a special hair cream,
The locks of this beauty supreme
Would logically grow
’Til they reached ground below.
Her new ’do had some use, it would seem.

575
She dangled her locks to and fro
To signal Jon’s team where to go
So Malcolm locked on
With a poof she was gone!
Now T’Pol’s got split-ends, don’cha know!

576
’til dawn I stayed reading this thread.
Though really should have been in bed.
I tried to get away,
But right back I would stray,
And laughed nigh until I was dead!

577
Just poking my head in to say,
To wych, Bandy, Bling and evay,
Please, may I take part,
In your work of art?
The rules I will TRY to obey!

578
The Vulcan — for there’s only one —
For two whole years now upon
The ship Enterprise
Has sailed through the skies
Even longer when counting rerun(s)!

579
T’Pol quirked her brow and said “Guys,
Trip’s gleaming devilish eyes,
Have stolen my logic,
And on things biologic,
I’m just sick to death of those pies!”

580
“Hey babe, what’s your sign astrologic?”
“Horoscopes? Bah! Spare the illogic!
It’s quite bad enough
Being in a constant huff
O’er wearing these close-fitting togs — Ick!”

581
“I’ll admit the suit’s really quite tough,”
Scoffed T’Pol, looking dour and gruff.
“But do you infer,
I’d be better off, sir,
Parading around in the buff?!”

582
“Did you hear her, Jonathan? That was rough!
She all but bit my hand off at the cuff!”
“Sometimes love stinks at the start.
You just need faith of the heart
That it’s more than a crush full of fluff.”

583
The seven dwarves made up a crew
And shared their home with T’Pol, who
Ate poisoned red fruit
Which got caught “down the chute,”
’Cuz the gal hadn’t bothered to chew.

584
T’Pol, though in coma, quite cute!
The dwarves mused in teary salute,
But what they mourned the most
Was her wonderful French toast
Which she served while strumming on a lute.

585
Now T’Pol’s skin was white as a ghost
So the dwarves searched from coast to coast
For the best tanning aid
The right shade and non-fade
Which would ship to them by Parcel Post.

586
In subspace their order decayed,
The package sent left them dismayed!
They’d ordered a gel,
So why in the frell
Had the company shipped Dennis Quaid?

587
To make sure that the charges were paid,
The mailman who brought the box stayed.
Until Prince Jon showed
One he’d turned to a toad
And he hastily said, “They’re defrayed!”

588
Then Prince Jon entered the crew’s abode;
On T’Pol’s mouth a kiss he bestowed.
Apple fell from her lips
Bounced off pointy hips
And he viewed her hair as it flowed.

589
“That was your kiss? I was hoping for Trip’s,”
she sighed. Poor Jon, ego in strips,
stood up straight, dignified,
and said, “Madam, I lied.
You’re ugly and your big nose drips.”

(You know I hate to interrupt this but we need to discuss these dwarves:
Are we talking about
Sleepy Archer
Bashful Hoshi
Doc Phlox
Happy Trip
Sneezy Reed
Grumpy Soval
and
Dopey Travis
Or would it work better the other way round:
Archer: Dopey
Trip: Cranky
Reed: Stinky
Hoshi: Whiny
Travis: Wishful (thinking)
Phlox: Creepy
Sorry, I got sidetracked.)

590
“Ugly?” — T’Pol nearly cried.
For Jon’s throat the Dwarf crew vied.
But reached only his knees;
They were soon deportees.
And wakeup calls Archer wished he’d not tried.

591
This limerick my head starts to squeeze
So start the new season, PLEASE!
New scenes for to rhyme
New villians to call “Slime!”
And our limerick no risk of page threes.

592
Last night in the trailer we saw —
Was it true? Someone’s there in the raw?
“Hurry up! Be next week!”
All the Trekkies did squeak.
“What else is there to look out faw?”

593
The new MACOs, they weren’t meek
Havoc and chaos they’d wreak
Running all ’round the ship
They annoyed Jon and Trip
And nearly made poor Malcolm freak.

594
One day Silent Travis did strip
Down to exercise gear, then did slip
Into the ship’s gym.
MACOs drooled over him.
“Do you need spotters, sir?” they did quip.

595
Travis seized on the chance — rather thin —
And pulled out his flute. With a grin
he started to play,
leading MACOs away
Out the airlock, much to their chagrin.

596
Malcolm was now full of glee
Of those MACO sods he was free
“Thanks, Trav — have a kiss!”
“I want cash,” spat Travis.
“I fumigated — pay me!”

597
But Malcolm started to dismiss
The boy. So at this obvious dis
-regard of his claims
Trav kicked butt and took names
“The MACOs come back!” he did hiss.

598
With more time, he re-thought his aims;
Not the MACOs target of his games
But instead steal Mal’s “kids.”
Without blinking his lids
He set all Mal’s pineapple in flames!

599
Said Mal, “Oh, Vermicious Knids!
My whole life is now on the skids!”
Trav shrugged and said, “Heck,
Shouldn’t’a blown off my check.”
And skedaddled with two power grids.

600
Mal tripped on a lamp. “What the feck?...
People littering all over B-deck!
And it’s covered in dust —
So clean it I must.
I’ll just polish off this wee speck.”

601
As he wiped off the dirt and the rust,
With a whistling sound and a gust
T’Pol the Genie appeared
And with these words Mal was cheered:
“Could you please free my poor Vulcan bust?”

602
Nigh to her zipper he neared
“I meant, get my statue,” she sneered.
Said Mal, “No! It’s a wish!”
“You wish, all right.” ::swish::
Back into the lamp, as he feared.

603
“I’ve still got three wishes. Delish!
I wish for a T’Pol to squish!”
Trip looked hurt, and he said
“Couldja squish me instead?
’Less you’ve got a genii fetish...”

604
Mal said, “Trip! You’ll turn my head!”
As his face turned a bright shade of red
“Aw, you’re cute when you’re mad!
And the idea I had,
Would ya’ care to discuss it?” he pled.

605
Genie T’Pol was irked, just a tad
Since her new catsuit was made of plaid
She started to strip
And then suddenly Trip
Rubbed the lamp. “Uh...was my timing bad?”

606
The Xindi all had a nice chat:
Scales, humanoids, ones in a vat.
Sloth said “Wait and see.”
But the bug-like Xindi
Wanted the Enterprise to go :SPLAT:!!!

607
Jon and Trip, in an obvious trap,
Tried escape through a river of crap.
MACOs, guns blazing
To the rescue, Amazing!
All survived, ’cept for the Xindi chap.

608
The captain’s more serious now
The furrow’s more deep in his brow
Starfleet will depend
On him to defend
The planet from going Ka-POW!

609
To the planet the MACOs descend
Their military skills to lend
Malcolm goes too
Though minus HIS crew
His territory to defend.

610
Jon dropped some nasty blue goo
All over Trip’s fluffy new ’do.
“My hair is a mess!
Now let us egress
Before we become barbecue!”

611
The sergeant Hoshi did impress
When she pinned down the kid’s home address
with the lilt of his speech
Not a security breach
Just some linguist dexterousness.

612
Did Travis his line quota reach
in two scenes, just one line in each?
The scene switched to Trip
Poor Trav was a blip
Seems the fates’ve left him high on the beach.

613
In the cave, with the Xin in his grip
Archer stopped him with one little “Trip.”
What secret power has he
O’er his friend? Can it be
That the two were once joined at the hip?

614
“I know he’ll listen to me,”
thinks Jon — but not for long, we’ll see.
When Trip finally snaps
And joins the Sloths for naps
We’ll find out if he sleeps nightmare-free.

615
Pimp!Phlox said, “Subcommander, perhaps
you’d join me for quoits, cards, or craps?
There’re some nice gents in town
Who’d like to get up your gown.”
That’s about when she commenced with the slaps.

616
Phlox said, “Subcommander, perhaps
you’d join me for quoits, cards, or craps?
Or teach me to win
At rummy or gin;
From boredom I soon will collapse.”

617
To T’Pol’s everlasting chagrin,
Pimp!Phlox had a sly plan wherein
Intransigent Trip
Would into sleep slip —
But then she could put on some clothin’.

618
Massages he would rather skip.
But when he was ordered to strip
He did so with good grace,
Patient smile on his face,
And his griping mouth he did zip.

619
“No. ...No, NO, NO! NO! Not at ALL!”
Poor Trip’s jaw on the floor it did fall.
“What? I? Make advances?
Those were not ‘sexy’ glances.”
“‘Intransigent’? You’ve got some gall!”

620
“No. ...No, NO, NO! NO! Not at ALL!”
Trip Tucker’s loud protest did fall
On T’Pol’s pointed ears,
Confirming her fears
That his hormones did hold him in thrall.

621
It’s been “We come in peace” for two years.
Now they’re fighting, with blood, sweat, and tears
To stop the Xindi.
And we’ll all agree
That for crew deaths ENT is in arrears.

622
Whack off a redshirt or three?
Tragic, but necessary.
A conclusion foregone
To hear Phlox: “He’s dead, Jon.”
So bring on the first casualty!

623
The pirates have now come and withdrawn
But Trip fought them, not with a yawn,
But with lightning and fire
he unleashed his ire
upon the Osaarian spawn.

624
The prisoner did almost expire
In the airlock. His outlook was dire.
“Captain? Captain?" asked Mal.
“Is this good for morale?”
The lieutenant began to perspire.

625
“Just mind your own business there, pal.
All bets are off and I shall
Make the prisoner speak!
Now — the Xindi, you freak!
For pain-giving I’ve a rationale.”

626
“No, Captain, I think you’re too weak.
You can’t stomach making me shriek.”
“We’ll see about that!
How about a nice chat
with no air? Your future looks bleak.”

627
The Bs try to jazz up poor ENT,
Xindi and MACOs they think heaven sent,
But sadly fail then,
For sadsack UPN,
They just build ratings for Clark Kent!

628
If Trip stays punchy he’ll fall flat
On his face (or his behind), whereat
The good doc will say,
“Try the leeches, I pray.
This is something I do not jest at!”

629
“Sleep with those slimy things? No way!
Can’t I just have a hypospray?”
“That junk causes addiction,”
Said Phlox with conviction.
“But I hear T’Pol’s ready to play.”

630
“I’d rather snuggle up with my Jon.
Without one stitch of clothes on.
THAT’D give me sweet dreams
’stead of wakin’ with screams
And might possibly lead to promotion.”

631
Hoshi downloaded the data streams.
Will they help Archer foil Xindi schemes?
With the new information
They’ll add insulation
So the ship will not shake with mad screams.

632
While seeking the Xindi location
T’Pol found a brand new vocation.
Jon and Trip crawled through blue goo,
MACOs to the rescue,
All adding to Archer’s frustration.

633
“Captain Caveman!” Not Archer’s new ’do,
But the crap they made them suffer through.
With lots of latex
and script holes like Chex
Let’s skip this ep, huh? What say you?

634
Alight fair Vulcan thine ascerbic tongue.
Upon this gift mine of fuzzy fruit slung.
Favours none, but for one;
Chuck those pits when y’all done.
So his basket, out the door, she had flung.

635
Tucker bares his feet and his pecs
While Archer decodes Xindi specs.
A race long since dead
Left a virus so bred
It mutates every poor slob it infects.

636
Though Trip’s pecs and fair pate be Grade A,
Of his feet I’d not wait in waylay.
Yet hurry, D.N.A....
Morhphed them all a dumb way.
The Peaches!!! And so spit saved the day.

637
Archer knew he should have stayed in bed
But he went chasing Xindi instead.
Now Mal’s climbing trees
with a chimpanzee’s ease
And there’s bumps on Hoshi’s melon head.

638
“Subcommander, don’t touch my feet, please!”
“Don’t worry, I don’t intend to tease.”
“But I’m...ticklish!
My feet stink of fish,
Or more like ripe Limburger cheese!”

639
Said T’Pol, “I’ll stop, if you wish.”
Trip dropped his shirt with a flourish.
She could not help but gape
At his lickable nape
And rubbed that delectable dish.

640
Her hands roamed o’er his manly shape,
But Jon’s comm allowed Trip to escape.
He didn’t have to endure
Touch to places obscure
Or pokes that might make him go ape.

641
There was a grand ship called Enterprise,
With star-eyed crew to sensualize.
Arch ’n Trip made for two,
Who’s hot bods drew much ado.
Still, t’was crotches we would canonize.

642
Peaches. Massage. Tickling? No.
Virus. Mutants. Vulcan? Slow.
Huntsmen. Burn it!
Wormfruit. Ah! Spit!
Beam in. Warp Speed. Phloxy — GO!

643
There once was this producer Berman,
Who’d fancied he’d had lots a learnin’.
But along came Brannon,
Who’d done his own crammin’,
And the two set Star Trek -burnin’.

644
In a week UPN has Rajiin,
Who profits from sin to save her skin
She puts out for Xindi,
But don’t call her Mindy,
“That slut’s over 40...wipe that grin!”

645
The virus Phlox said would be cured
If T’Pol’s DNA was secured
Through the ship Trip did flee —
A bat out of hell, he! —
By promise of Reset Button™ lured.

646
The captain ignored Phlox’s plea
And ordered the virus to be
Stashed away for safekeeping.
Now Jon won’t be weeping
For Loque’que lost eternally.

647
Archer looks up. “What’s that beeping?”
Mal says, “Sorry, my tea is done steeping.
I wonder who stole
My glass sugar bowl?
I need at least three spoonfuls, heaping.”

648
“That stuff will eat a great big hole
in dental enamel, poor soul.”
“But I’ve a sweet tooth
large as Texas, in truth,
guess I’ll work on my self-control.”

649
“But refusing dessert is uncouth!”
said Trip from the next diner booth.
“’Sides, you don’t need to diet.
Pecan Pie! Y’should try it!
Goes great with a splash of Vermouth!”

650
“But won’t the vermouth make it wet
and inedible?” “Nah, don’t you fret.
It’s like tiramisu —
A dish of sweet goo
with a little kick to it, I’ll bet.”

651
What the Xindi sent Rajiin to do
was examine the Enterprise crew.
With hypnotic eyes
And silver-tongued lies,
She groped all their vertebrae — ew!

652
She came aboard ENT in the guise
Of an innocent. But she was wise
In the art of seduction,
Biometrics deduction,
and clothes just too small for her size.

653
Xindi. Traders. Liars. Obstruction.
Space pimps. Raijiin. Thought-waves. Lip suction.
Feel-ups. Bioscans.
Trell-D. Roaming hands.
Data? Weapons? Red-shirts. Abduction.

654
Trip’s no longer in Archer’s plans.
He’s frozen out and so it stands
That while there’s a chill
Between them there’s no thrill
In each new ep for Archer/Trip fans.

655
And neither is Trip happy still
To snuggle with Malcolm. So spill!
With whom is he sharing
The grief that is tearing
His heart as his face remains still?

656
The ’shippers are sad and despairing
’Cause friendships aboard ENT need repairing.
’Cept the Trip/T’Pol group
Who were starting to droop
Are now for something larger preparing.

657
They cooked up a kettle of soup
Made of Trellium D. But the goop
Was really unstable
Made a mess of the table
And dissolved Chef’s big ice cream scoop!

658
Was Future Guy’s story a fable
he told so a war he’d enable?
Should the captain trust
him or be disgust-
ed, considering all he does say “bull?”

659
Poor Trip and Mal were nonplussed
When transported back to home just
As they were seeking
For Travis, in keeping
Of a computer’s terrible lust.

660
In Jon’s cabin the deckplate was squeaking
On his sanity ’twas havoc wreaking
’Til Roxann she fixed it
The “cost"? Just a wee bit:
the helmsman. It’s not a part speaking!

661
Jon Archer was in a right snit
At his poor coffee cup - just ’cos it
was floating mid-air!
How did it stay there?
Or was he having a caffeine fit?

662
Porthos whined “It isn’t fair!
There’s no cheese in the cupboard — it’s bare!
Hang my digestion!
For this is the question:
Who took away my Gruyere?”

663
Poor Malcolm had awful congestion
Leading him to a small indiscretion
(he sneezed in his helmet)
He felt really upset
But no one could see his expression!

664
Trip broke out in a cold sweat
No longer felt hail-fellow-well-met
But “Back off! You’ve got flu!”
“It’s to Sickbay with you!”
To meet Phlox’s odd curative pet.

665
There once was a man named Romero,
Who filmed lots a blood and marrow.
His subtext it did seem,
Was repugs are extreme;
Last night’s show alas shoots no such arrow.

666
“By the way, Cap’n, the crew
Could really use something to do.
‘Road’ shows with Bob Hope?
R’n’R or Doc’s dope?
I vote for the laughs. How ’bout you?”

667
Shriek! Flashback. Asteroids. Gloom.
Trip! Movie night. Trellium. Doom.
Vulcans? Paranoid.
Zombies? Soon destroyed.
Snarl! Nightmares. Humanity. Zoom.

668
In decon, when Trip dropped the soap...
Someone used the chance for a grope.
Was it Hosh, Jon or Mal?
“Watch those fingers, there, pal!”
“Sorry,” whined Phlox. “Oh, don’t mope!”

669
“I’d rather dig out my own root canal
Than be a Denobulan’s ‘gal.’
Share and share alike
with whomever’s down the pike?
That’s no good for a gentleman’s morale!”

670
Why did T’Pol go coocoo?
The zombie ship offered a clue.
That trellium stuff
Is the culprit. But gruff
Archer showed his humanity, too.

671
Said Phlox, “You’re a feisty young tyke!
Wanna go for a ride on my...bike?
You’d look good in leather.”
“It depends upon whether
My sweet Chef is up for a hike.”

672
Said Jon, “Chef said he’s under the weather!
Oh no! I’m at the end of my tether!
“Ah’ll make chicken soup.
It’s good for the croup.”
A: But he’ll recover when we’re together!

673
Trip’s heart did a slow loop-de-loop.
“To beggin’ I never would stoop,
But answer me please —
An’ Jon, don’t you tease —
Will you take just one bite of my drupe?”

674
Trip played Archer’s heartstrings with ease
Til an unwanted Vulcan in did breeze.
“Illogical love
fits Reed like a glove,
So begone, I’ve a Captain to please.”

675
Out the door they gave Polly a shove.
Jon said, “Now where were we, my dove?
I will taste your peach
If you promise to teach
Me your trick for freshness thereof.”

676
Said Trip, “I could make you a speech!
One that would sure make you preach — ”
“Don’t Southern boys know
love will better flow
If we save the talking for the beach?”

677
“Ah think we should take this real slow.”
“NO! I want e v e r y crewman to know!!!!”
“Let’s not be so hasty — ”
“But your lips are so tasty...”
“Oh, what the hell, Cap’n. Make it so!”

678
There once was a Xin-sloth named Roth
Whose lithping was really atroth.
“Theithe the humanth, men!”
But his men couldn’t ken
So the crew escaped without loth.
679
There once was a Xin-sloth named Rothe
Whose lisping was really atroth.
“Find the humanth real thoon!”
But her minions slept ’til noon
And their thearch party never came clothe.

680
Archer’s complexion was pasty
After finding Trip’s kiss was all yeasty.
“You smooched Chef again?!”
Trip blushed. “I’ve a yen
For baked goods which are orange zesty.”

681
Jon turned to a new lover, Sven,
And cooed “Ooh, I just adore men — ”
“Now you’re cheating on me?”
Trip raged. “Hey Blondie —
Here’s a fresh knuckle sandwich — eat ten!”

682
“Oh, Trip, can’t you see?
You were the one who left — be
reasonable, now — ”
“You cheating, fat cow!
Get back to your Zen, Vulcan-she-
683
-devil! I’ve known you knew how
to switch shapes for ages now, sow!”
So back to your candles
Let go his love handles!
He’s MY MAN — we’ve taken a vow!”

684
“Oh Trip, let’s forget such scandals,
But put yourself in my sandals —
It’s natural I’d bond
with a hot MACO blond
You know, they make out like vandals!”

“Fumbling Toward Ecstasy”
(with apologies to Sarah MacLachlan and Dr. Seuss)
If Trip caught his pip on the zip of Jon’s pocket
And his lip t’ward Jon’s nip were to slip, would Jon block it?
If Trip snagged the whip at his hip on a sprocket
Would he flip so’s to grip just the tip of Jon’s rocket?
Or just skip it and strip off and ...<snip>... the door, lock it!

685
“But, Jonny, how can you be fond
Of a man who resembles a pond?
That terrible jacket
— I so just can’t hack it —
Much better’s this shirt which I’ve donned!”

686
“ ‘That shirt’ makes a helluva racket,”
sneered the MACO in question. “Just pack it
away with your hopes
of Captainly gropes.”
Said Trip, “Shut your mouth, pal, or I’ll smack it!”

687
“Darlin’, we’re a couple of dopes.
Our lives are worse than in the soaps.
Can we kiss and make up?”
“How I love you, Trip!” — “Yup!”
Alone, the poor MACO mopes.

688
On truffles did Trip and Chef sup
And made eyes o’er the rim of a cup.
“I made these for you, sweet.”
“Chocolate salty balls? Neat!”
Travis glared, but didn’t speak up.

689
Unwilling to admit defeat,
Travis just gave up on “discreet.”
“Hey, Chef, I’m your man.”
“Can you cook?” “I can.”
And Trip was thus out in the street.

690
“Woe! Alas! Was there ever an
engineer left so without plan?”
“Perhaps I can suggest,
Mister Tucker — no jest —
You leave before *stuff* hits the fan!”

691
Whispers. Visions. Hoshi. Fear.
Tarkin. Psychic. Deceit. Sphere.
Shuttlepod. Fire now!
Companion? No-how.
Fifty! Info. Goodbye, dear.

692
Tarq threatened Hoshi with the fate
of ENT’s crew: “Stay here, you ingrate,
or it’s curtains for them!”
“But what of your gem?
I’ll crush it before I’m your mate!”

693
“Would you be cruel and condemn
Me to a life with only mem-
ories of one so sweet?”
“I must stay with Starfleet,
and besides, you’re a creepy old BEM*!”
*Old sci-fi slang for Bug-Eyed Monster

[The thread reached some ridiculous length, like 1,000 posts, and the mods made us start a new one.]  

694
Farewell to the good old thread
For now it has been put to bed.
We would miss it sore,
But we have room for more,
And eps still to be limerick-ed.

695
When the sensor relays were dead meat
Archer would not admit to defeat.
They broke out the EV suits
And big ol’ gravity boots
But the shuttle crashed down on their feet.

696
Trip Tucker wailed, “I’ll not dispute
That I made a mistake.” “You’re darn toot-
in’,” said Jon. “But don’t fear.”
I won’t spank your rear....
Unless you would like it. You’re cute!”

697
Travis’ job is to steer
while he sits with a grin so queer
“Does he or doesn’t he?”
“With Trip or with Hoshi?”
“Or is he to Chef the most dear??”

698
We limerickers like A4T
And write stuff to keep him hap-py.
He sums up each ’sode
in two-syllable ode
A feat which is quite beyond me.

699
The pace of our rhyming has slowed
As we’ve seen our numbers erode
Down to a faithful few
Limerickers who
Were with a love of wordcraft bestowed.

700
Absurd? I suppose it is true
That the forum at large holds that view
’Cause once evay let slip
That she shipped on Chef/Trip
Poetic sanity said, “Adieu!”

701
Adieu, to ENT Limerick 1,
It sure was a lot of fun,
Sometimes it’s tough trick,
To come up with a limerick,
Thank God for the power of Pun!

702
On the board it was my first foray,
spouting rhymes which were rather cliché,
As unseasoned cadet,
’hind the ears I’m damp yet,
Yet I still love to join the word play!

703
Raise a glass in salute — don’t regret.
Many threads will the old one beget!
Sad, ’tis true, that it’s gone,
but the Lim’ricks live on!
They’ll get worse — that would be a safe bet.

704
Visit the House of Tucker - no con!
It’s the best site I ever did happen upon
With plenty of verses
And lists of Trip’s curses
As well as impressions of Don Juan!

705
Trip takes the Big Chair when Jon
gets sent by Doc Phlox to Decon.
But he’d rather be nursing
The engine he’s cursing,
or reading of Bellerophon.

706
The tricksy Enterprise now traversing
a wine-dark Expanse while gods are cursing,
Archerysses’ fate
must for one more week wait
for his fortunes to be reversing.

707
Hoshi, tongue silvered, was bait
for a lonely god seeking a mate
Decoyed all unknowing
where the hell they were going.
Had he Xindi info to relate?

708
He sought to entice her with castles all snowing
And visions of places afar was her showing
But she wanted ol’ Travis
Not guys vaguely like Ravis
Though the god’s wrath she risked when she tried him off-blowing.

709
Then Archer spoke in her behalf. “This
has gone far enough. It’s no laugh. Kiss
Miss Sato goodbye
Or else she will cry!
And off you don’t want me to piss!”

710
Trip, grieving, could not let her die
And pled Lizzie’s fate — “One more try!”
Xindi-sloth gave permission
But with one condition:
“No contact ’til you reach open sky!”

711
Archerysses sailed far
Til sirens called from yonder star
“Tie me up and wax your ears
That I might listen while Trav steers.”
And let’s hope it’s not just more PonFarr.

712
Cursed by Neptune, threat to ships,
Faithful ever to his dear Trips (it’s a nickname!)
The horrid trials
The endless miles
Homeward e’er his proud bark skips.

713
Determined, Trip began his mission,
But almost without his volition
He felt himself turn
And towards Lizzie yearn
But away faded her apparition.

714
Then Trip’s pleas the Sloth-man did spurn
“Just one chance you had — now you learn!”
No begging or crying
would change his mind — sighing,
Trip left; still his anguish did burn.

715
To escape the labyrinth Jon was trying,
and warned Trip, “Just watch where you’re flying!
Even though the pod’s tough
That flame’s hot enough
And I’ve no wish to be the farm buying.”

716
But Trip thought he’d call Archer’s bluff
Since the atmosphere wasn’t that rough.
“I know what I’m doing!”
He said, though soon rueing
His claims of having the right stuff.

Archer: I wish to complain about this beagle what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very sickbay.
Phlox: Oh yes, the, ah, the Wily Porthos...What seems to be wrong with it?
Archer: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ’E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Phlox: No, no, he’s, ah,...he’s resting.
Archer: Look, matey, I know a dead beagle when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Phlox: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s resting! Remarkable dog, the Wily Porthos, isn’t? Most unusual mating habits!
Archer: The mating habits don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
Phlox: Nononono, no, no! He’s resting!
Archer: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) ’Ello, Mister Porthos! I’ve got a lovely fresh bit of cheese for you if you show...
(Phlox hits the cage)
Phlox: There, he moved!
Archer: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!
Phlox: No, no, Captain, you must be mistaken!
Archer: Yes, you did!
Phlox: Indeed, I’m sure I didn’t!
Archer: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ’ELLO PORTHOS!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
(Takes dog out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Archer: Now that’s what I call a dead beagle.

717
And his arrogance was his undoing;
Heat started the shuttle’s ungluing.
Consoles did explode
White-hot plasma flowed
Just like when my two guys were wooing!

718
“Trip, it’s a good thing you’re bestowed
With good looks and charm, ’cause you’ve showed
With your lack of a brain
And your Physics Disdain*
It’s a wonder the ship don’t explode!”
*Physics Disdain: a cousin of Math Anxiety

719
“Hey! Engineer I remain!
It surely must be very plain
I ain’t here for my looks
But my skills with the books
And the engine at warp to sustain!”

720
So Trip filled the crannies and nooks
of the leaking manifold with Brooks
Brothers fine shirts,
And ignoring his hurts,
Told T’Pol to deploy grappling hooks.

721
The engine restarted in spurts
spitting plasma in great gouts and blurts
But too late for Trip,
for a great spatial rip
phased him out at two million mHz.

722
“But how to repair our fine ship
Without Trip here to maintain his grip?”
The outlook was bleak
With ENT up...ship’s creek
And the worth of their lives one corn chip.

723
When suddenly (as all spacial rips do)
it reopened and out dear Trip flew!
a bit worse for the wear
with some crud in his hair
just like that Poltergeist goo.

724
Then Jon, happy to see Trip was there,
Said, “I almost gave in to despair
When I thought you were dead.
Now let’s go ahead
And get out of this huge solar flare!”

725
Count Stalkula’s numbers ENT led
to a lab and a colonists’ stead.
Angry Archer did rave;
Old Gralik did cave,
Though for some fireworks Malcolm pled.

726
If Archer to Trip chocolates gave
with the warning to Tucker “Behave!”
They’d be brown head to toe
And where that would go...
Well, it’s a secret they’ll take to their grave.

727
The commander wanted to know
Just what made the Xindi gun so
Especially icky —
’Twas a wiggly, sticky,
slug with brain ran the show!

728
Trip hoped that he might get a quickie
And figured in decon, all slick-y,
His chance would go up
For him to get a shtupp
and maybe a passionate hickey.

729
Archer was engaged with his pup (deconning Porthos again)
But Malcolm was ready, so “Yup!
Leave your dog in my hands
while you tend to Trip’s glands.”
“THANKS, Mal,” squealed Trip, “I’ll make it up.”

730
Chef brought in the gold wedding bands
While Jon wiped off Trip’s face. “Lands!
But you do salivate!”
“For my Chef — ain’t he great?”
“But a wedding in here he demands?”

731
“Why not? I’m in the perfect state!” {mostly nekkid} 
“For a good hearty shagging, right, mate?”
said Mal, eyes alight
as Trip came into sight.
“I left Porthos with Parm* to grate.”
*Short for Parmigiana cheese, of course

732
Said Trip, “Ah, you know that I might
Flit from bedroom to bedroom each night,
but my love lies elsewhere,
down with my Engine so fair,
The rest of you just can’t...ignite.”

733
Poor Jon needed Nurse T’Pol’s care
’Cause each day he woke up unaware,
needing to be retold
of events sad and old
that made him rip out his gray hair.

734
In the alt timeline Mal’s bearded and bold
And a fright it was to behold —
So what happened to
That uptight guy who
Gave Trip the “well-groomed officer” scold?

735
Xindi-orb. Shattered Earth. Where in time? Whoa!
Mem’ry loss. Nurse T’Pol. Archer grey. No!
Captain Trip rocks!
Subspace cure? Phlox.
All is lost. All is saved. Is Trip great? SO!

736
The Denobs thought out of the box
to cure Archer’s temporal pox
Turns out that warp drive
Could keep Earth alive
As well as reset all ENT’s clocks.

737
As man’s last best hope to survive,
Cap’n Trip and the ENT crew did strive
’gainst Xindi to defend —
gave their lives to the end —
Reset Button™! Hey, they’re alive!

738
They did not break, though they might bend —
Trip had Mal, his stalwart friend,
to serve at his side
Though Travis had died...
I’ve no doubt they’d triumph in the end.

739
To my poetic friends I confide
Seeing Archer tonight, I sighed,
Henceforth, whate’er happens
I’ll look to the cap’n’s
Masculine charms to provide.

740
Tucker’s no cowpoke, he kens,
And he nor T’Pol equestrians,
but he looked so fine
bad dressage we don’min’
’cos he had us on needles and pins.

741
Humans treated the poor Skags like swine
’Cept for one little lady with spine
Teaching kids in the night
how to figure and write
buckin’ old Cooper Smith’s party line.

742
Prejudices. Bethany. North Star. Skags.
Super-Archer. Deputy. Nasty. Nags. {old horses}
OM Trip in leather chaps!
Tuckerites world-round collapse!
Prime Directive. Zapped T’Pol. Promo? <gags>.

743
It ended in a big gun fight
(against bad guys who weren’t that bright).
Jon’s shoulder did explode.
“Just a flesh wound!” he crowed.
“See? No blood! That is proof I’m all right!”

744
This limerick will be an ode
To Phlox’s pink pet Altair toad
Watched by our girl Liz
(Crewman Cutler, that is)
We’ll miss her on our winding road.

745
Too soon we lost Kellie Waymire
To her sweetness we can aspire
She left us wanting more —
a true pro to the core —
Her mem’ry will not soon expire.

746
When the bad guy looked right down the bus-
iness end of Malcolm’s gun it was his
Mistake to grab T’Pol.
Didn’t faze Mal at all;
He just fired with a smile on his phiz.

747
Death over ENT cast a pall
As poor Trip’s life nearly did stall
If it were not for Sim
A4T would be grim
And before the Xindi we would fall

748
Trip Tucker’s fate was on the brim
Til along came a clone named Sim
Who in a fortnight would be dead
And who on his deathbed stoically said
“I’ve done my part, now do yours and stop them.”

749
Trip lived and Sim died instead
(After donating part of his head)
But in Trip’s place
He was first to first base
Leaving Trip to continue in his stead

750
Jon could hardly look Sim in the face
But the clone met his end with good grace.
No whining or whinging
When Phlox came syringing
Scared of dying? No, that’s not the case.

751
Foot massages. Engine blast. Coma!Trip. Grim.
Replication. Symbiote. Presto: Sim!
Memories/Flirtation. Wow!
Ent needs TRIP! Survival! How?
Moral conflict! Who will die? Trip or...? Him.

752
At Archer’s behavior I’m cringing
’cause with anger he is my thoughts tinge-ing
At his coldest of hearts
(treating Sim like spare parts)
I hope with guilt he is a-twinge-ing!

753
Young Sim had all of our Trip’s smarts
But our Trip needed some of Sim’s parts.
To T’Pol, Sim’s confession,
Despite her repression,
Showed she had both Trip and Sim’s hearts.

754
Both Sim and Real Trip? His obsessions.
(Which led to poor Jon’s indiscretions.)
Things went from debauched to wild
The next morning Jon smiled,
They sure left two great big impressions!

755
The larva grew into a child
And then a young man who beguiled
And knew of Trip’s past
But grew old too fast
And left Jon confused and up-riled.

756
T’Pol kissed a human at last
A farewell gesture unsurpassed.
But the info we lack
Is just who kissed her back —
And with two Trips is there a contrast?

757
When Sim began giving him flak
Captain Archer’s voice started to crack.
“I need Trip! TRIP!” he pled.
“And if need be, you dead!”
“I don’t think you’re a murderer, Jack.”

758
With a wink and a grin Archer said,
“Can you now get it through your cute head
That time travel is real?”
“Sorry, Captain, I feel
I must bitch ’bout the physics instead.”

759
Fiesta salad had no appeal
And the combo was not a good deal.
T’Pol turned down the fries
Sitting near the creep’s thighs
As she watched the fat on them congeal.

760
Trip had hardly blinked his eyes
when they returned, to his surprise
Had *I* blinked in his scene
I’d have missed the old bean
Thank god for contracts that are wise.

761
Could more information Jon glean
from Daniels if he would just lean
on the mealy-mouthed twit?
His “Jon de Sade” bit
would have the guy whimpering — he’s mean!

762
The message came in, and it fit:
“We’ve info to sell.” “They’re the Kritt,”
Hoshi said, “and not far.
Just the very next star!”
Said Archer, “Let’s go. Hop to it!”

763
Said Travis, “The Kritt are a scar.
They invite you in, then they make war.”
But Archer’s obsession
with their desperate mission
Drove him on to more and e’er more.

764
Tucker said to Archer, “Fishin’
for secrets is Mal’s job, and dishin’
out hurts — he’ll protect you
from yourself — ” “Well, that’s true.”
“Forget it!” Jon snarled in admonition.

765
“I’m going, not taking you two
— There’s enough here to do!”
“What, polish the rails?”
“Yes, and if all else fails
Porthos’ bath is overdue.”

766
Jonathan said, “I have heard strange tales
Of aliens with most deadly wails.
Reed, tie me to a nacelle
So that all will be well.
All plug your ears, lest your will e’er fails!”

767
Then as ENT warped toward Planet Hell
A sound from the comm cast a spell
Upon the bound man
Who fought free and ran
to the launch bay, but there Archer fell.

768
I’ve borne as much as a Tuckerite can.
Shaking hands with the Trip-playin’ man.
Trying to get him online
Will take more of a spine
Mine’s gone all to jelly. (— his plan?)

769
To say that Mr. CT is fine
Would be to cross over a line
So I simply say ::THUD::
And you’ll do the same, bud
May the pleasure, some day, be all thine!

770
Reed to the rescue — his plan
To watch Archer as he did scan
The skies for a threat
or diversion, or get
ENT free if the sh*t hit the fan.

771
“Come visit with me, my dear pet,”
purred the voice in Jon’s ears. “You’ll regret
passing by.” Archer fought
’gainst the ropes, but for naught —
All he could do was break a sweat.

772
Every nerve in his body stretched taut,
Though never appearing distraught,
The ship Travis did steer
While the planet came near
And Archer lost all power of thought.

773
Now the song of the sirens was clear
but poured only into Jon’s ear.
His crew, not distracted,
When enticed ne’er reacted.
Straight and steady did Mayweather steer.

774
The rules Captain A had enacted
Kept the good crew from being attracted
to the killers below.
Which all goes to show
that he hadn’t overreacted.

775
While dashing through the snow
On the main starship in the show
Jon regretted giving Trip
So much undeserved lip
Over the temp being a tad low.

776
“Of this eggnog I’ll just take a nip
And see if it has any zip.
And if not, add some rum
and admire the bum
of the loveliest soul on the ship!”

777
So under his breath he did hum
As he waited for his fav’rite chum,
Who arrived looking cute
In a red Santa suit
With a great big fat pillow-stuffed tum.

778
On his shoulder, a sack full of loot
for the ENT crew, and Porthos to boot.
Trip, gorgeous in costume,
Then announced to the room
That he’d gifts for those of good repute.

779
For T’Pol, nasal-numbing perfume;
For Chef, plants with an edible bloom.
Trav got to talk
(at which Hoshi did gawk)
And Archer’s dumb jokes cleared the room.

780
Phlox’s gift? A Kzarnian stork*
For Porthos his own roast of pork
For Hoshi—two tomes
Of Bivrakian poems,
And Chef gave to each MACO a spork.
*some random animal for his menagerie, basically

781
Malcolm got two garden gnomes
(which Trip carved from ’pod seating foams)
And Archer a new ball
(the old one still in the wall)
While Trip got cool geodesic domes.

782
They stood there in the busy mess-hall
And silent, together they all
Gave thanks for one gift
That had healed the rift
Between them before they could brawl.

783
When all had felt sadly adrift
There he was on every shift
The name of Trip
Was on ev’ry lip
And their thanks for his caring was swift.

784
Abruptly, a jolt shook the ship
And Lieutenant Reed then lost his grip
on the cake he’d been holding...
When he looked, it was moulding
The unhappy features of Trip.

785
Instead of the usual Captainly scolding
Archer in vain tried his guffaws withholding
Bent double with laughter
That rang to the rafter
When Trip’s frosting nose he was beholding.

786
Wiping off, Trip stated, “Hereafter,
if making fun of me ya hafter,
I declare open season —
I’ll play pranks without reason
whether you’re the joke-player or -drafter!”

787
Though Starfleet might call it “high treason,”
He grabbed a plate with small trees on
And threw it at Reed
Who then did proceed
To fire back with his new cheese gun.

788
“No, not the cheddar!” Trip did plead.
Fearing ol’ Porthos’s greed.
“He’ll lick off my face!
Drool all over the place!
And dog slobber on me I don’t need!”

789
“Make fun of my dog??!! You’re disgrace-
ful, Trip!” Archer yelled, starting to pace.
“Aw, come off it, he stinks,”
grumbled Trip. “And T’Pol thinks
the same thing, so — HEY! what’s with the mace?!”

790
Meanwhile, a shadow form slinks
Its GEN EN REPT* eyelids it blinks,
The crew, busy fighting,
Don’t see him delighting
And choosing where his fangs he sinks.
*genetically enhanced, reptilian

791
Suddenly, Travis makes a sighting;
Alas, his frenzied “Help!” writing
In whipped cream he outsprays
From a can is delayed
By the food fight that is then igniting.

792
Religion. Zealotry. NO TRIP! Fuck.
Takeover. File Delete. Out of. Luck.
A grabs Trip. Tells him: Chill.
Transporter. Firefight. Thrill.
Dead Planet. Told-you-so. Why, God?! Stuck.

793
But before Travis can fade
Mal quickly whips out a blade
All shiny and keen
And with a smirk mean
The shape-shifting beastie is slayed.

794
While ol’ Shran did strut, pose and preen,
Archer was not so serene.
T’Pol was suspicious,
Mal’s blue friend malicious,
And Grelik’s ghosts wrecked the machine.

Happy birthday dear thread,
“I’m not yet quite dead!”
Surely some record’s set
for the longest thread yet!
{ But no, only in evay’s head :evil: }

795
While Malcolm did strut, pose and preen
Archer was not so serene.
“Those shifters are clever.”
“Sir, I did his neck sever.
Look, you can see the cut’s clean!”

796
Trip praised Malcolm’s noble endeavour.
Said “Darlin’, I’m your man if you ever
need your phase cannon held.”
- Mal could have been felled
With the slightest soft touch of a feather!

797
Shran’s outraged pride pricked, his chest swelled —
“Our ‘consortium’ does not run!” he yelled.
“...we’ll just sneak away”
And all go on half-pay
’til time the FEDERATION is gelled!”