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Michiru was so upset, she could have killed Haruka if she didn't love her so much.
"I'm fine." Haruka insists for what must be the hundredth time since they'd hopped into Haruka's car and driven away as soon as the latest pure heart had been returned to it's owner, the two of them leaving the endeavor empty handed as usual. Her voice is exasperated, and a little bit frustrated. Michiru can tell she's losing her patience. "It's only a scratch. Come on, Michiru."
Michiru doesn't respond, only staring out the window. The sun was setting soon, she noticed, casting long shadows on the pavement that blurred in Michiru's vision as they sped by.
"Michiru..." Haruka places a hand on her shoulder, speaking in the kind of fond, gentle murmur she often uses when they're alone. Usually it would melt her resolve at least a little, but Michiru isn't in any mood for it right now. It takes little effort to shrug her off, giving no acknowledgement to her partner's attempt to reach out.
Haruka finally gives one last scoff before turns her eyes back to the road, falling silent.
Good. Michiru closed her eyes, hoping this was the last of it. Maybe Haruka would drop it now, maybe they wouldn't have to talk about it, can pretend everything is okay.
(She should have known better than to think that Haruka would let it go so easily.)
"So," Haruka started up again after only a few moments, her fingers tapping on the steering wheel of her car as she made a left turn off the highway. "Is this just how you treat people when they save your life? You give them the silent treatment? Because that's pretty rude, Miss Michiru."
(Haruka only taps her fingers on the wheel when she's annoyed with something, Michiru notes somewhere in the back of her mind.)
"This is different." Michiru finally sighed, exasperated and so tired from the recent battle they just escaped that her bones are aching. She honestly just wants to go to bed, curl up with Haruka on the couch and forget all of this. But she can't.
(This would be a difficult conversation to have at the best of times- but now is probably among the worst times the universe could have chosen to throw it her way.)
"What was I supposed to do?" Haruka shot back, raising her voice even as Michiru sat silently fuming in the passenger's seat. "Let that thing hurt you? Let it-" She swallowed, gripping the wheel until her knuckles turned white. "Let it kill you?"
Michiru's glance drifts downwards, to the deep gash on Haruka's arm- a wound acquired against a daimon, the Death Busters' latest creation.
(It's covered by her jacket now that they've detransformed, but she can tell by the dark patch on her sleeve that it hasn't even stopped bleeding yet.)
She shifts uncomfortably in her seat, averting her gaze again. "You still shouldn't have jumped in front of me."
"Yeah?" Haruka demands. "Why not? You did it for me." She adds more quietly, making Michiru's heart ache.
Michiru took a deep breath. There's a thousand things she wanted to say, not many of them kind- how could you put yourself in danger like that, how could you think you were acting in my best interest, how could you think I'd ever want you to be hurt on my account, when I'm the whole reason you have to be a part of this whole mess-
But Michiru doesn't have an answer that will make anything better, let alone actually satisfy Haruka. So she says nothing.
(It isn't like she doesn't get it. In Haruka's place, she'd be confused too- angry, even.)
The rest of the drive home passes in tense silence. It's already dark by the time Haruka pulls onto the road that leads to their condo.
The first time that Michiru lays her eyes on Haruka, it's as if everything changes in a single instant.
She doesn't even remember why she was at the race track that day. Maybe she was just trying to kill time inbetween classes- maybe she'd brought her sketchpad with her, trying to find some interesting human subjects. She's pretty sure she did that a few times back then. School was never difficult for her, after all. Her assignments were finished quickly, and It left her with quite a bit of free time that most would spend with friends.
(If that didn't happen to be a day she was called to a place a Talisman might be, anyway.)
Either way, whatever it was that Michiru thought she needed...She certainly found what she was looking for.
At first she didn't recognize Haruka as who she's destined to become. At first, Michiru only spots the racer in the lead- the girl with a lean physique and short hair, as fast as the wind- and she feels something. She can't look away, and in a moment Michiru is more interested in this one person she's never even spoken to than she's ever been in anybody.
After that day her visions are different.
Michiru's visions, her visions of a blood-red sky and of buildings being ripped from the ground and her own helpless cries for the Messiah, have remained consistent ever since her own awakening. Never-changing, always a consistent terror following her, biting at her heels lest she slow in her mission. Lest she forget what's at stake.
But after laying eyes on Haruka at the racetrack, they change just slightly. Before where Michiru would be pulled back to reality just as the Silence was threatening to tear apart her own body, she now stands before a lean woman with familiar short hair. She wears a Fuku that Michiru has only ever worn herself, her deep blue gaze boring into Michiru's own.
Michiru, she calls. The silence is coming.
(The realization that Haruka is her destined partner, her fellow senshi, both makes her happier and more remorseful than she's ever been.)
It isn't as if the visions stop feeling more like nightmares, but being able to see Haruka's face, hearing her deep voice call out her name like a lifeline...it makes them more bearable.
The first thing that Michiru learns about her, even before they exchange one word, is that the world is always a little more bearable with Haruka.
Michiru isn't lying when she tells Haruka that there are girls at her school who are obsessed with her.
It's true that Michiru doesn't have many friends. How could she, in these circumstances? Making friends out of civilians feels like a waste of time when she has so little time, when they could be the next victim tomorrow.
(There's also the minor issue that she can never show them her true self, always has to keep herself at a distance for the sake of her mission.)
However, she does have acquaintances, and being a top student who is always quiet and polite and agreeable gives her access to a lot of gossip when the girls around her in class forget that she's listening.
Most gossip she doesn't care about- often just giggles and whispering about which boy is dating which girl, some rumor or other, and whatever fascinating social scandal has popped up recently. Hardly the most interesting of discussion. The bar of what you consider interesting tends to be lowered, once you spend so long dwelling on life or death.
It's only one day when she hears a certain person's name uttered that Michiru's heart stutters despite herself- and if she unconsciously leans in a little closer so she can hear them more clearly, nobody notices.
So just this time, she listens.
They seem, at least to Michiru as she listens over the course of the discussion, to regard Haruka with both fascination, admiration, and a little bit of suspicion. It's like they don't know what to make of her- what to make of the racecar driver, the best sprinter in the district. The unapologetically masculine girl who wears men's clothing and somehow had convinced her school that she should be allowed to wear the boys' uniform.
It's as if Haruka attracts and repels these girls at the same time. Her different-ness is fascinating, but so against the status quo, so against expectation. So odd. Just what kind of girl is she, they question? Even an athlete like Elsa Grey still looks and acts like a girl.
"Do you think," One girl Michiru doesn't think she's ever spoken to asks her friend sitting beside her, their study material neglected as usual in favor of chattering amongst themselves. "That she's..." She narrows her eyes, looks around as if she's about to say something horribly improper. "You know...Like that?"
The group of girls falls quiet, then. For just a moment.
Michiru stops breathing.
One of them finally breaks the silence at about the same time Michiru doesn't think she can take any more with a nervous laugh. "I don't know about that. Just because she's kind of boyish..."
"But it isn't like she has a boyfriend." The girl who brought up the idea replies. "She doesn't even talk to anybody. You never know."
After that the conversation winds down and the subject turns to something different, something Michiru couldn't care less about or remember. She stops listening before it does, for fear that she'll get too angry and say something.
They'll throw their fascination with Haruka away, Michiru knows. Discard her like they discard every new subject of gossip after it ceases to be interesting. They'll forget about the handsome girl long after Michiru remembers her.
Michiru knows acutely that becoming a Senshi has set her apart from others, forced a certain distance that could never be closed- but somehow as she pushes past everyone else after class to make it out of the door first, holding her books tightly to her chest and feeling oddly insulted despite the fact that nobody was talking about her specifically she feels even more alone and different than usual, some strange mixture of indignation and wild hope running through her veins.
It isn't a lie that are many girls at Michiru's school who talk about Haruka- even girls who admire her, in a way.
But there's only one who wants to feel the wind in her hair as she rides in the passenger's seat beside her.
It isn't long after that when Michiru attends another one of Haruka's races- one of Michiru's many failed attempts to reach out to her promised partner.
It isn't to see Haruka- not officially, of course. She goes for Elsa, a fellow competitor- one of Michiru's more friendly acquaintances. As much as Michiru is intent on keeping to herself, Elsa is friendly and she has an integrity that Michiru knows the kind of girls who gossip about Haruka don't, so it's easy to get along with her.
She talks to Elsa a little bit before the race, by the bleachers. It's mostly Elsa talking- worrying about being able to win against the rumored track and field prodigy.
"I've never spoken to her." Michiru says politely when questioned, a friendly smile she hopes doesn't look too interested on her face. "So I'm afraid I don't have much of an opinion- but she seems very talented." Michiru turns her gaze towards the racetrack. "I wouldn't mind meeting her. I think she'd make a good model for my sketches."
(Michiru makes an executive decision not to mention the evenings she's spent on her bed, trying and trying again to draw the handsome face from memory.)
"Hey," Elsa brightens, throwing her worry aside for the moment. "Maybe I could introduce you after the race? You could ask her to model for you yourself."
"Oh, could you?" Michiru asks calmly, heart beating wildly in her chest. "That sounds nice. I would appreciate it."
(It doesn't go well. Haruka even blankly refuses to model for her- but the recognition she sees in Haruka's eyes, to know that she knows, is enough to give her hope.)
They are both women, it's true.
Michiru doesn't care.
She doubts Haruka cares either- beautiful, masculine Haruka would never care about something so inconsequential.
It isn't as if she doesn't notice how people look at the two of them as they walk by, wondering quietly amongst themselves just what kind of relationship they have. Haruka herself pays them no mind. Haruka is a very private person, after all. Not at all predisposed to being horribly concerned about the opinions of others.
Before she met Haruka, it might have bothered her- but now, the possible taboo is almost part of the beauty of it all. Let them speculate. They are who they are, and they're both stronger than anybody who might ever attempt to have an issue with that.
Michiru had never had an interest in boys. She hadn't had much of an interest in anyone before Haruka, really, but especially not men. It had been a minor source of confusion when she was younger. How odd it makes you feel, when all of your peers go in one direction and you have no interest in following, when your heart is called to something completely different.
But what are the judgements of people on earth, Michiru figures as she presses a kiss to Haruka's sleeping face, when they're not of this world anyhow?
Michiru really hadn't meant to for her entire heart to come out of her mouth in the parking garage.
She doesn't even mean to tell Haruka, just on the cusp of uncovering her true identity, don't, don't grab that, you'll never be happy again, you'll become like me- as if she hadn't been trying to convince Haruka this entire time to embrace her destiny.
(Although maybe it did make sense, given the very unfortunate argument they'd had on the cruise ship- one of Michiru's many attempts to inch closer to Haruka that completely blew up in her face.)
She especially didn't mean to whimper in Haruka's arms when it's all over, her resolve cracking with both relief and just generally at the idea that she could have killed that poor child.
She didn't mean to quietly confess that her own dreams for their relationship went far beyond the idea of working partners.
Michiru tells herself that it's Haruka's own choice when her new partner walks over to the other side of the garage, finally grasping Uranus's transformation wand in her hands.
Michiru tells herself that there's nothing she could have done to stop destiny.
(She is never able to convince herself completely.)
If someone didn't know any better, Michiru ponders as she sits on the couch and watches Haruka in the bathroom, washing the blood off of the deep gash on her arm in the sink, they might think that Haruka is tougher than she is.
Not that she means to imply that Haruka is weak. Anybody who's fought beside her and watched her in action as Michiru has wouldn't dare to claim Haruka as anything but pure strength.
It's just that- Michiru knows, deep down, that she's the kind of person who can push her conscience aside and do what needs to be done. It won't be pretty, or pleasant, but she can do it. She'll be able to kill, when the day comes when she must. She'll live with that blood on her hands because she must.
But Haruka...Haruka is kinder, her heart is bigger, her convictions stronger. She's always had a soft heart, no matter how tough she'd like to present herself. Haruka is good and kind and loving. She isn't the kind of person that should be doing this, should be dragged into something like this.
It will torment her. It already torments her.
Her partner's words from what feels like lifetimes ago ring in her ears, the way they have many times before.
Do you hate people that much?
Michiru sighed. Oh, if only it were that simple.
More than anything she remembers the way that Haruka had looked at her, eyes glittering with undisguised hostility. Ready to defend the helpless and the vulnerable even in the face of horrible danger, without even a transformation wand. That's just the kind of person she is, Michiru knows. Haruka will wear herself down to the bone, throw her own life away if it means protecting those she loves, those who need it.
Normally, Michiru would find it incredibly admirable. She would see it as its own strength, maybe the greatest of all. God knows Haruka's big heart is part of the reason why Michiru loves her so much in the first place.
But these are anything but normal circumstances.
Something has to be done, Michiru decides in that moment. If they're going to fight side by side, if they're going to prevent the Silence and save this world, then they can't go on like this.
They can't go on being each other's greatest weakness.
Her mind made up (and before she can lose the nerve) Michiru lifts herself from the couch and makes her way to the doorway of the bathroom, standing quietly for a moment until Haruka glances up from the sink.
"Michiru?" She looks uncertain, unsure if she should still be expecting an icy response or not.
Without a word, Michiru grabs the roll of gauze on the bathroom sink that Haruka had already taken out from the medicine cabinet and pulls Haruka's arm from the sink, investigating the wound closely.
"Poor thing." She says softly. "This will probably only take a few days until it's gone, thankfully."
(One benefit of Senshi transformations is that Michiru doesn't think she'll ever have to worry about healing from injuries again. The accelerated rate at which that even minor wounds began to heal after her awakening had been a welcome surprise.
She still wishes it was a power they didn't need, though.)
"I'm not made of glass, Michiru."
"I know you're not. But let me fuss. Just a little."
So she does. Haruka sets down her pride for just a moment, stays still and quiet until Michiru is finished tending to her wound.
"So," Haruka says finally after her arm is dressed about as well as Michiru could manage, which is very. "You're not angry anymore, huh." Not a question, but a statement.
Michiru sighs. "I'm not angry with you. I wasn't ever angry with you." I'm angry with everything else, really. "I'm sorry I was so cold in the car. I should never treat you that way, even if I'm upset."
She could say a lot of things. I was just so worried, i hate seeing you hurt on my own account, if I were you I'd never have loved me in the first place for not being able to save you and your kind heart from this destiny-
She shakes it all away.
"Haruka." She says instead, leaning against the sink. "We can't go on fighting like this. Something has to change."
Haruka blinks, and for a second Michiru could almost swear she looked afraid. "What do you mean?"
"What I mean," Michiru moves closer, grasps Haruka's hands in her own, holds them like its own promise. "Is that I'm sorry we haven't discussed this sooner, but the fact is that saving everybody we can is more important than everything else in our lives, and it always will be. You need to promise me," Michiru has never been more serious about anything in her life. "If anything ever happens to me, you will still go on to complete our mission. You won't try to protect me," She added as Haruka opened her mouth to protest, "And you won't put yourself in danger for me. You have to promise."
Haruka just stares at her, stunned. As if she's never seen her before. "Michiru..."
"I'll do the same." Michiru promises before Haruka can continue, can make her think twice about her convictions the way that nobody else can. "I won't put our mission on the line. Not for your life, or for mine."
(She swears she meant for it to be the truth, to be a real promise- but the words feel like ash in her mouth and even before they come out she knows they aren't true.)
She keeps talking even as Haruka keeps trying and failing to interrupt, dragging the words out of herself like she's pulling her own heart out of her chest.
"We must prioritize our mission over everything." She insists harshly, forcing herself to be stern even seeing the hurt and confusion in her dear partner's eyes. "That absolutely includes each other, Haruka. We are soldiers." She adds. "It's who we are. That comes before anything else."
For a moment Haruka doesn't say anything, only stares- until she takes a deep breath and meets Michiru's gaze evenly, squeezing the hands in her own.
"You're right." She murmurs, a new determination in her expression. "Our mission is everything. I was mistaken before." She lets go of Michiru's grasp, hands falling to her sides, standing up straight. "I promise. I'll leave you behind, if it comes to it. To save every person that we can."
Michiru nods approvingly. "Good." She says briskly, turning away and forcing her voice to stay even. "I'm glad you understand."
"You're shaking a little." Haruka murmurs later that night, as Michiru lies awake in bed. "Are you cold?"
(Her voice is light. As if they hadn't spent the evening arguing and discussing the best course of action in the face of death. In the face of the concept of the greatest loss Michiru could ever know.)
Cold? Michiru almost wants to laugh. With you, I'm never anything but warm.
Michiru knows the right answer to this question, though, so she lies to her partner for the second time that night.
"Well," She murmurs."Maybe just a little."
Haruka laughs, low and soft- Michiru can feel the rumbling in her chest as Haruka shifts, arms encircling her. "Come here, then."
And Michiru does, huddling closer to rest her head on Haruka's chest, just beneath her chin, humming contentedly.
"Mmhm." She smiles into the dip of Haruka's shoulder. "Much better."
"Good." Haruka kisses the top of her partner's head, pulling the blankets around them. "You need to sleep. We have a long day tomorrow."
Michiru doesn't point out that every day is a long day for them. Instead she hums in agreement, huddling just a little bit closer.
Thankfully, Haruka falls asleep rather quickly. How she manages to be such a heavy sleeper after so many of those horrible visions haunting her dreams the same way they haunted Michiru's, she'll never know. Her even breathing helps calm Michiru down, though, even as she turns over the evening's events in her mind over and over.
What she said was ultimately true. If they don't prioritize finding the talismans, if they don't put it ahead of everything else, including each other...the cost will be infinitely higher than a single, incidental death. Michiru's own life, her selfish, miserable life up against the millions of people they can save...the choice is obvious.
It's very simple logic. One life is nothing in this fight. If her hers must be sacrificed, Michiru thinks, so be it. She'd give her own life in a heartbeat, if she was called to do so.
but Haruka...Haruka isn't simply one life.
Michiru knows acutely that this isn't the way she should feel. She shouldn't be so willing to throw everything away just for her sake. This is exactly what she just argued with Haruka about.
But the simple fact remains that, well...
To Michiru, there's no use in saving the earth if it takes her entire world away.
She shifts just a bit, leaning forward to press a feather-light kiss to her love's closed eyelids. I promise, she vows silently, this time knowing in her heart that this is her end of the deal that she'll actually be able to uphold.
I'll do anything I must. I'll throw the whole world away if that's what I have to do.
But I won't let this destiny swallow you, Haruka. No matter what.