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‘I used to call him ‘Top Hat’, ‘Stretch’, ‘Smiley’, ‘Tall Guy’; anything to avoid using his name. Because a name implied friendship and I couldn’t pretend that we were friends.’
Feathers furrowed against the breeze, Stella looks down at her hands. They are no longer human, her body overcome by negativity so long ago. The form she had been consumed by seemed more birdlike than mortal; if she looked within a mirror ( which you detest doing, remember? It reminds you of your failure. ), some would believe her to be more of an owl with glowing white eyes.
One might even call her a monster, if they were not too familiar exploring hearts and all the darkness or light that could dwell within them.
A long sigh leaves her. She’d been staring at the swirl of gradients that lines those feathers too long now, warring with herself too long now. If she let her breath heave once more, more tears would spill over already blotched eyes. She is tired of crying, tired of wallowing in her self pity.
At her taloned feet, a few Tim’s had drawn closer, looking up at her. They pipped at her, then at one another, maybe curious of what a creature like her was doing on this island. Stella could only find some irony in it, a bird-like creature unable to communicate with other bird-like creatures.
Then again, maybe she had been too far gone to reach them anymore.
‘He offered his help, his hand, and at the time, I thought that I could finally lay my heart bare for someone to understand. But I was foolish and prideful and scared of giving away too much. If he knew my regrets, my self hatred, of how ugly a person I was, surely he’d turn his back on me too.’
Someone else offered too, it wasn’t just Balan. It was his whispers that first drew her in, sensing her lingering doubts. Balan had offered optimism and acceptance but the more he gave, the more Stella began pulling away out of fear. When Lance began appearing to her, whispering his own truths, she began to teeter.
After all, how could the smiling man truly understand the depth of her self hatred when Lance, with only a simple word of acceptance, weathered that self hatred without so much as a flinch.
It was easy for him, wasn’t it? Stella’s naivety blinded her at the time, but Lance easily soothed her fear to lure her in. She couldn’t give those emotions to someone who seemed so happy ( they were going to be a burden on that man, you can’t do that to him ), but one who fed off of negativity; it only seemed like the natural course of things.
And as Stella spiraled deeper with him, it only got worse.
Even Balan’s voice couldn’t reach her heart as she was ensnared. When Stella inquired why she couldn’t hear him, Lance told her he had stopped trying. He’d given up, moved on to another poor soul, trying to rescue their heart for momentary joy.
She believed him and stopped asking.
’I gave up on myself, and that was really nothing new. I expected that he’d given up on me too. We weren’t really friends, after all, and it was just par the course.’
( You were just afraid he’d abandon you, shy away from your ugliness. Lance made it easier to accept it, didn’t he? )
’I hate it when you’re right, but it got worse after that…All because of my weakness.’
“You don’t have to go back, if you don’t want to.” Stella had still been human at that time, when Lance had spoken those words. The idea seemed so enticing. The world was harsh anyways and her heart felt like it was in tatters from the years of disappointment and pain ( that was all your fault, don’t lie ). “Your heart is already your shelter, it can be permanent, you only need to ask.”
‘You only need to ask’.
And she did.
Giving up on herself, the world, any hope for change, she accepted his word once again. But this time, the price to pay was her ticket back home. Her body, twisted, bones and limbs contorting into inhumane shapes; there was no way she could leave her heart like this.
( Maybe that’s the point, because you certainly didn’t want to. )
’Didn’t I?
Stella had paused on the Island of Tim’s, that gentle breeze brushing passed in a way that should have been freeing. Instead, Stella could not relax the tension she felt rising in her shoulders or quell the churning of her stomach. It’s a strange feeling, seeing him sitting so casually on one of the stones, peering at a gem like when she’d first met him. He didn’t look at her, but Stella had a feeling he knew she was there. The way he turned the gem would reflect her image. Could he recognize her as she was now?
'He brought me here to help me, and I turned him away for easy acceptance. Now all I’ve done is cry and wallow in my own self pity.'
( Because you make bad decisions. )
Her arms hung limpy at her side, feathered fingers curling and uncurling into fists. Stella couldn’t shake the intrusive thoughts now, but…
’I can’t deny that truth. It was easier staying the same. Change is hard...’
With that admittance, she inhaled deeply. The burn in her throat was a constant reminder of how difficult this had been, how difficult it was now. Tossing away her selfish pride and the best she could hope for was a little humility, maybe mixed with his anger. Balan had the right, after all.
“Balan…” she croaks out his name as if the very sound of it would shatter an already frail heart. It’s not just hers that she is watching for, however, as tension rises in his shoulders. Stella swallows thickly, the feeling of her throat burning nearly choking her again, “I need your help…”
’I’m a failure, I know…’
Taking a step back, Stella’s resolve weakens when he does not turn to her immediately. Eyes dart back to the ground, winged hands raised in front of her in an awkward defense ( will these feathers ever smooth out again? ). It was a mistake, wasn’t it? He couldn’t help her now.
'But I think it’s time to try again, to find love in myself somehow, with your help.'
The faint rustle of fabric causes Stella to raise her gaze again. Balan is as tall as ever, especially so when he stands, and just like with Lance she has to crane her neck to meet his gaze. It is, however, not the golden eyes that she fixates on, but rather a smile that stretches across his lips, wide as could be.
From there her eyes fall downward to the hand that had been gently offered in turn.
“It has certainly taken you long enough, Stella,” when he speaks, soft laughter follows. It’s joyous and light and reminds her of music she hadn’t heard in a long time. “Did you not hear me calling for you? I searched for a very long time, you know, and I still expect an apology for the wait.”
When Stella exhales her held breath, it is like a weight is lifted off her shoulders. Tears that had welled up in her eyes now spilled over, wetting feathered features. Despite this, Stella managed a small laugh followed by a sniffle, a smile tugging at her lips.
“I got a little turned around along the way, I’m sorry for not coming back,” Stella reaches out, her hand slipping into his offered one. Fingers curling around her own, she reaches up with her free hand to brush away her tears, “Thank you for waiting for me anyway...”
‘Thank you for believing in me, even when I wouldn’t believe in myself.’