Work Text:
WHEN HE WAS MINE
Wooyoung stomped out, carrying his heavy bag with him as he stormed out of the restaurant. He hissed when big droplets of rain fell and drenched him, his clothes starting to feel heavier with added weight of rain and ache in his chest. But he was desperate to leave the scene before someone he dreaded could follow him, so Wooyoung sucked everything in and ran.
Grips tight on the straps of his gym bag, cursing as he ran and almost slipped when he took a sharp turn in the curb, but he was able to gain back his footing just in time when he heard someone call.
“Wooyoung!”
Wooyoung was reluctant to look back, no matter how his heart wanted to stop and reach out. Because it was the only thing it knew how to do: to yearn, to look and to wait for Yunho to come around. Wooyoung ignored it, still cursing as water pooled at the top of his bag, not bothering to look back as he dodged the people walking on the sidewalk in an attempt to get away as far as he could from him.
He thought about how Yunho clung onto him that morning and Wooyoung refused to let him go off for work.
How Yunho cooked him a sloppy breakfast that includes a slightly burnt toast and overcooked eggs, how Yunho kissed him on the forehead as he slipped on his bag, asking him to be careful and reminded him of his meals just before he was to leave for his teaching classes.
He thought about the messages he left for Wooyoung, telling him he missed him so much and about the meals they’ll order for later when they both get home from work. He thought about the pictures Yunho sent him from his day, with small talks about the new puppy they were planning to adopt.
Wooyoung gritted his teeth, thinking if all of it had been a lie.
“Wooyoung! Please!”
The streets Wooyoung ran into are almost completely empty, making him wonder about how far he would be able to run and if how much longer it would take to lose Yunho in a crowd.
If he knows me, he’ll find me easily.
Yunho knows him, there’s no doubt about that. Wooyoung barely had any thrill in his life, it was basically filled with dull chapters that no one would like to be entertained with.
But how much of Yunho, the one who does the most in his life, big roles and job opportunities all lined up at their doorstep… how much of him does Wooyoung know?
When Wooyoung's tired and heavy limbs couldn’t take it anymore, Wooyoung leaned a hand over a tree trunk perched on a sidewalk, trying to catch his breath by placing his other palm on his knee. He was reluctant to look back with the fear of Yunho spotting him, eyes wandering to try and figure a way out.
Wooyoung couldn’t just run and run.
Aside from the fact that Yunho has the better figure despite the one working in an office and Wooyoung being constantly on his feet, Wooyoung couldn't just run.
He couldn't race and chase and hide. So many of his friends had been telling him over and over that he should learn how to face it rather than to cower; but the fact that the person he runs to when Wooyoung didn't feel like facing his problems… is the person Wooyoung is trying to run away from.
Maybe he could run to San's condominium, maybe seek shelter until he could figure out how to accept what he saw and face Yunho, or to have enough courage to grab his belongings from their shared apartment.
He could maybe go to Yeosang's instead, being the childhood friend he is that lived an hour away, but Wooyoung may have a hard time explaining his current situation to someone who expected Wooyoung to have his life all together.
But seeing through that glass and seeing it with his own eyes… made him realize that his life is more fucked up than he wanted it to be.
Wooyoung can feel his shirt soaked and sticky, the feeling almost similar to spandex on his skin. The bag he carried straight from choreography workshops felt like it was a ton heavier than it was before, his shoulder is aching from the weight.
And as much as he wanted to stop running and crash hard into Yunho's embrace, the hard throbbing of his heart gave him enough to realize that maybe… there wasn't anything left for him to come back.
And that stopping would mean accepting his fate that destiny was too cruel to give.
Heavy and fast footsteps approached, sending Wooyoung into a frenzy before pushing himself to run again, legs protesting but heart lunging.
Wooyoung didn't look back, ready to dash but a hand stopped him, firm around his wrist and caused his already heavy bag to fall on the floor.
With much vigor and avoiding eye contact as much as possible, he freed his hand and grabbed his bag, anger seeping through his broken state and firing up.
He turned away, running a frustrated and furious hand through his drenched bangs and tugging at the hair, a pathetic attempt to not lose the tears he desperately didn't want to spill over.
"Wooyoung, please."
Wooyoung stopped just when he was about to walk away, turning to face the pathetic look on Yunho's face.
He too, was drenched and panting, eyes searching and guilty. His head was hanging low, trailing over the Wooyoung's wrist he held earlier, before trying to meet his eyes.
Wooyoung noticed the coat matched with Yunho's suit that he kept his eyes on before Yunho left for work was missing, leaving the inner shirt soaked worse, the white almost turning see-through.
It was pathetic, because the only thing that ran into Wooyoung's mind upon seeing Yunho's guilty face was to run towards and be wrapped in his embrace, apologies running through his mouth..
But Wooyoung couldn’t also burn the image of Yunho kissing the back of another's hand, smiling softly and laughing loudly, as if they were the only people sitting in the middle of the restaurant, as if they were the only people in the world.
Wooyoung used to have that feeling and was used to experiencing it too, with Yunho. It was the undeniably magical feeling that made you wonder when the hell did you get so lucky to have that.
And seeing it from afar… with the same person you have felt it being without someone else…
Heartbreaking was an understatement.
It was like your heart was taken from your chest and let a car run over it again and again.
It was like your chest being forcefully torn apart, only to be shoved back together, its pieces out of order and out of place.
Was he that stupid to not have seen it coming? Was he too blind to not see the signs or was he in too deep to pay attention to them?
Was Yunho ever in love with him the way Wooyoung was head over heels for him?
“Wooyoung-”
“Don’t you fucking dare.” Wooyoung lifted a hand, voice cruel and deep, eyes shooting daggers and staring him down.
Wooyoung wasn’t sure where he got the confidence to do that amidst the way how his knees felt weak at the moment. He wasn’t sure how he managed to snap at the only thing that gave him a reason to keep ongoing when he was lost and confused about the path he wanted to take. He wasn’t sure how he was able to do that to Yunho, where a few minutes ago he barely even had the courage to face and speak a word after seeing him with someone else.
Yunho looked surprised at how different Wooyoung must’ve treated him. His eyes widened and lips moved as if he wanted to speak, but no words came out as he simply stared at Wooyoung. The hand that reached over to Wooyoung was frozen mid-air, but slowly dropped back to his side as he took in Wooyoung’s agitated state, breathing heavily and eyes locked on his.
Yunho may be a head taller, but Wooyoung saw the way his shoulders drooped and confidence stripped off, making it seem like he was so much younger and smaller than Wooyoung is. Wooyoung wanted to keep that fire within him, refusing to put it out in favor of putting that brave face on.
Because he doesn’t want to look deeper into the way how hurt and guilty Yunho’s eyes appeared, how the small droplets from his hair dripped onto the cheeks, how drenched his suit looked and how pale his skin became.
Because if it wasn’t the fury Wooyoung felt inside, he doesn’t know how to address anything without crying and sobbing uncontrollably.
Wooyoung refused to think anything about him, because his heart just had enough to handle now.
“Why?” Wooyoung breathed, still surprised at how his voice sounded coherent over the tears mending with the raindrops on his cheeks.
His heart felt like a rock, but at the same time, it felt like a fragile glass that only one mistake could send it to being a broken mess on the floor.
His mind felt like a whirlwind of different emotions wanting to get the best out of everyone, tearing away and fighting against each other.
Yunho lifted his arm out again, and Wooyoung backed away, assuming it was another attempt to hold him down again, and even if he wanted to feel grounded and home, he couldn’t bring himself to wanting that again after knowing he could potentially lose all of that after this conversation.
Hell, he probably didn’t have that anymore and he was stupid to be so blind with not seeing it.
“Why-” Wooyoung couldn’t even finish his sentence. His chest felt so heavy, like his heart was being squeezed and dragged and crushed.
The image of Yunho smiling so brightly for someone else made it harder for him to calm himself down and fight the urge to spat at the person he had learned to love for years. The image of them sitting in a restaurant Wooyoung refused to go in before in fear of the bill coming up too high to be comfortable, was too much for his mind to go reeling and crazy all over.
“I thought…” his voice cracked at the way Yunho’s eyes wavered and faltered, as if already knowing the questions Wooyoung wanted to ask.
Perhaps, he does already know what was about to come. If he was right with the way he knew Yunho, then probably Yunho already had the answers to the questions Wooyoung had in his mind. Because Wooyoung’s Yunho, he knew everything that was going on in Wooyoung’s head before he even had enough courage to voice it out.
Wooyoung stared, hands curling into fists, not for the need of violence but to stop himself from showing any sign of weakness. “I thought we were doing okay-”
“We are!” Yunho boomed, startling both of them. Yunho shook his head after realizing what he had done and ran a hand through his wet hair. “We are okay, Wooyoung-”
“Then what the hell was that?” Wooyoung gestured over Yunho’s back, the ther already knowing what he meant. “If this was your definition of us ‘doing okay’, I’m not that sure if I still want it!” He turned his heel and prepared to run again, but another hand gripped his wrist.
Wooyoung mustered all his strength to snatch his hand back, but Yunho’s weak voice overpowered his fury. “Please, give me a chance to explain-”
“I’m pretty sure I don’t want to hear any of it.” Wooyoung spat, glaring back at his hand that the other refused to let go of.
“Please, Wooyoung.”
“And what would I get out of this, Yunho?” Wooyoung spat, turning to face him again, his hand still on Yunho’s grip. “Do you honestly think that I would want to hear the story of how you met and coincidentally forgot about the fact that you are in a relationship?”
“I haven’t forgotten about you!”
“Then was all of that?” Wooyoung demanded, garnering enough strength to pull away his wrist once more. “What was all of that? A prank? Some sort of joke? Because right now I'm the one who feels like a joke!”
Yunho looked taken aback with this, his body straightening but his eyes still looked lost.
“I’m the one who felt like a fucking joke because the image of you two being so happy in a place I’m too afraid to enter feels like a mock to my face!”
“I didn’t-”
“How am I supposed to hear whatever you have to say when the sight of you too so fucking happy kept resurfacing and hitting my chest over and over again?” He pointed at his aching chest, his shoulders growing heavier by the passing minutes.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry- is that going to cut it?” Wooyoung laughed bitterly, rolling his eyes. Yunho kept still and quiet, taking in every single hit of Wooyoung’s words to him. “I fucking found you having fun with someone else while you are still with me, and you fucking think ‘sorry’ is fucking enough?”
The painful throbs of his chest now being overwhelmed with anger, his curled fists growing tighter and his nails digging painfully into his palms. The way Yunho chose to slump over and avoid his eyes only pushed him, not wanting to stop.
“When did it start? Huh?” Wooyoung challenged instead, brushing off his stinging tears with the back of his hand.
As much as he hated to know it, he cannot stop himself from being curious. As much as his heart protested against it, his mind leaned in with curiosity.
“When did you find yourself falling for him?” Wooyoung felt the rain growing stronger, despite the hot tears burning his eyes. “When did you start feeling lost in his eyes?”
Wooyoung… expected Yunho to contradict him. He expected that the other would argue about Wooyoung seein it all wrong, and all of this was just something that could've been avoided if he simply asked. Wooyoung expected Yunho to reach out and let his face be buried on the other’s chest, grounding as the taller whispered apologies.
But nothing is more heartbreaking when Yunho took so fucking long to answer him. Nothing is more devastating to realize that the words Wooyoung spat hit the jackpot.
Wooyoung found himself going weaker by the second, knees trembling as his eyes tried to search for any sort of answer from Yunho’s stance. “When…” he asked, now more carefully, afraid to be the one to cause even more heartbreak to himself. “When did you start looking at her similar to the way you look at me, Yunho?”
The image of Yunho dropping onto his lap while they were laughing out loud because of some stupid ass movie they chose to watch came flashing before his eyes; his smile a lot similar to the way Yunho laughed inside that restaurant.
That honestly felt like a long time ago, making Wooyoung realize that it had been so long since they were able to spend time alone like they used to.
Like the times before Wooyoung drowned himself with work and part-time jobs, and before Yunho got promoted and spent more time in the office.
Wooyoung breathed heavily, while Yunho slowly lifted his head. “Since when did you realize that I am not the only one in your heart anymore?”
“Wooyoung-” Yunho tried looking at his eyes, silently begging, but Wooyoung was too fucking lost and angry to actually let the other speak.
“Answer me! Answer me, because I was too busy to realize that the man I sleep beside every night seemed to be in love with someone else!”
“It’s not-”
“Then what!” Wooyoung shouted, uncaring whether people would stop to turn what was their commotion about. “Yunho, you can’t expect me to understand after seeing you kiss his hand, while I was outside the restaurant far too expensive for my budget. You can’t expect me to understand you when you are in there looking so fucking happy and contented.”
“Wooyoung-”
“You can’t expect me to find any more reasons to love you when I’ve been given the reason to stop!”
Yunho remained silent, freezing as Wooyoung panted, heart painfully crushed inside his chest. Yunho only looked at him with fucking sad eyes, and Wooyoung fought the urge to roll his eyes and-
San told him once, that if a person had to choose between the two of you... you have to let him go. Wooyoung didn’t understand the concept and kept arguing that you should take the love of your life back since he was yours to begin with, but San only kept shaking his head.
“Because if he truly loved you, you would be his only choice.” San insisted, and left Wooyoung alone to let that sink in.
Wooyoung never bothered to think about that certain exchange anymore, thinking that he’ll never be able to come across that decision. Because his heart was only set for one person, and one person only.
He didn’t account for the fact that maybe, it wasn’t his decision to make.
He didn’t think that he'd be one of the choices Yunho had to take.
And it feels so fucking bad to be in one.
Yunho has found someone else to love, when he was still in the fucking equation.
“Wooyoung, I was supposed to tell you, and you are not supposed to find out about it this way-”
The statement only angered Wooyoung more, making him release a bitter laugh. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? The fact that you thought about me while you were out there lying to my back every time I turned?”
Yunho clearly didn’t expect to see that one coming, mouth opening to say something but nothing got out.
“Since when?” Wooyoung asked instead, already too exhausted and done with this.
“A few weeks ago.”
Wooyoung looked at him in disbelief, bringing a hand up to his chest. “This started a few weeks ago and you can’t be bothered to tell me the truth?”
“I don’t know what to say-”
“Yunho, you do know that I would easily let you go if you simply said that you found someone else, right?” Wooyoung pressed, his fingers already numb from the way they were kept clenched tight and eyes darkly- but tiredly, looking at Yunho’s guilty ones.
Wooyoung suddenly felt something turn within him. Like a key turn on the right lock, like a ballerina landing a pirouette perfectly. Every drop of rain onto his skin he felt heavy and wet. He saw the way Yunho’s breath hitched, the way Yunho locked his eyes on him, and the way Wooyoung grazed down to glance at Yunho’s hands.
The hand he was so used to playing with and holding, tight and careful. The hand that kept him from falling over the edge Wooyoung ran towards, the hand that kept warm on his waist while he cooked them lunch, the hand that dreamed of seeing a same band around the ring finger-
Wooyoung saw and remembered everything, except the future that will lead to him not being able to treasure and hold those hands again.
He sighed, already feeling like he had lost the battle. He lifted his head slowly to stare back into those chestnut brown eyes he often gets lost in, ”You do know I would let you go if you just told me to let you go, right?”
Wooyoung vividly saw a tear run down Yunho’s cheek, but he convinced himself that it was a drop they were both under at the moment.
Fury was no longer in Wooyoung’s system. He could bear to be that angry for too long, especially when it comes to Jeong Yunho.
As fast as the anger came in before, came the unexpected acceptance of what’s already been done.
“Yunho, that is how much I love you, that I am more than willing to let you go if you told me.”
Wooyoung couldn’t quite explain the way Yunho looked back at him. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact emotion he let on, and somehow, tha put a nasty dent into his already broken heart.
He almost couldn't recognize the person before him anymore.
Yunho broke his stare and opted to turn his head out the side, but Wooyoung remained silent and still.
“I would let you go if you asked.” Wooyoung doesn’t know where the courage to even show off a small smile came from; his tears coming in hot, making their way through his cheeks and meddling with the raindrops that covered his face.
He supposed that’s what it feels when you realize that you are no longer the person who would bring happiness to someone, and you are about to give them away to someone who actually can.
He dropped his head, letting the tears drip onto the wet pavement as his heart continued to twist inside his chest.
“I- It was hard for me to tell you about it, because you’ve been nothing but good to me, Wooyoung.” Yunho whispered, and Wooyoung almost didn’t catch it, snapping his head up. “You were so good to me that I hate to break and tell you that my heart fell for someone else; when all you did was love me with everything you have and are.”
The distant memory of Yunho losing himself and crying while curled in Wooyoung’s chest came in like an unwanted visitor, the desperate cries coming from Yunho’s lips lingering in the room as he apologized for not being able to give back the amount of love Wooyoung selflessly gave him.
“It was... stupid enough for me to take and take your love without being able to repay you, and what more when my heart found comfort and home in someone else that’s not you.” Yunho said, tears continuously running down.
Wooyoung wanted to take a step forward and comfort the other, but slowly realized… that he was in no position to do it anymore.
“It was so hard to think of a way to tell you about this because...” he paused, and Wooyoung felt his body froze, both in the cold and in his words, “because I love you but I cannot bring myself to love you the way you did.”
Wooyoung suddenly felt more weight crashing on his shoulders, his arms numbing from the heaviness of his bag, his chest growing cold from every word that came out of Yunho’s lips, his head blanking out except for Yunho’s face.
His heart kept screaming Yunho, Yunho, Yunho, but the logical part in him knew he shouldn’t.
“I was supposed to tell you, but…” The other continued. “But, everytime you welcome me home with the biggest smile and the warmest of hugs, I back out.” Yunho sighed heavily, eyes red from all the rain and tears.
Wooyoung wanted to run away to not hear a single thing from him and the kind of love and doubts Yunho had, but his feet remained glued to the pavement, and his hands remained clenched at his sides.
“Believe me, I was supposed to message you about it but after seeing the concerns and reminders you gave me… it made me stop. I was supposed to yell it you during that one fight the other day… but seeing how desperate you were in trying to fix everything made me fucking guilty about it.”
Wooyoung could now differentiate the tears on Yunho’s cheeks from the rain, and he could feel the density of each teardrop that the rain could not represent.
“I was so fucking guilty to love someone else when I already had yours to begin with. I was so fucking scared at how much it will break you, but I cannot also ignore the fact that I was doing all of that: meeting up for an innocent dinner in which I hoped it was someone else… I was doing it all behind your back.”
Wooyoung saw Yunho’s shoulders shake, tearing his eyes off from Yunho’s, that only made Wooyoung break and tear himself apart even more.
“I was supposed to tell you about it but I kept beating myself up for loving someone else that’s not you.”
Wooyoung looked up sharply, the same way he felt a sudden pang in his chest.
Suddenly, the image of Yunho’s sullen and regretful expression as Wooyoung cupped his cheeks came rushing before his eyes, both of them facing each other as Yunho apologized for not being able to show much more of his love to Wooyoung, but Wooyoung dismissed it, releasing him only to cradle him close to his chest and hushed Yunho to sleep.
Was it that painful to receive the love Wooyoung was willing to give?
“It hurts so much knowing that I am going to hurt you when all you did was love me for who I am.”
Wooyoung tried to have his mind to stop remembering the details of this moment. Of how the rain soaked his hair, how the clothes stuck to his physique, the way his hands were out earlier and reaching out to Wooyoung, the way his eyes were so deep and lost and regretful and guilty, the way his shoulders looked so heavy, the way Yunho’s lips were trembling-
Wooyoung refused to have this as his last memory of him.
Yunho was supposed to be smiling and bright and cheery and open, and not this.
He deserves to have that happiness that Wooyoung knew he wasn’t the one to be the reason for.
Wooyoung hated that he loved him that much.
“I wished you told me, Yunho.” Wooyoung spoke. “Because I never asked you to return whatever I gave you, I simply gave them to you because I wanted to.”
Yunho sobbed. Wooyoung fought the urge to trap him in his embrace.
“It was all because I love you.”
Yunho cried loud, sobbing and struggling to catch his breath, shivering with the cold that lingered around them from the rain.
Wooyoung wanted the other to lean into him and take all that heavy weight off his shoulders, but he couldn’t anymore.
He had done enough. And it was time for someone else to be that perfect person for Yunho.
“I love you... and that means I am willing to do anything just to keep you happy.”Wooyoung continued, his own tears halting in exchange of seeing Yunho be relieved of the guilt he constantly held. “Even if that means… that I have to lose you and give you to someone else.” Wooyoung said softly.
Moments passed as he listened to Yunho’s sobs, his own tears making their way down but Wooyoung only chose to feel and acknowledge that feeling of being able to do something right for the person he loves. “Is he treating you right?” he asked quietly, almost coming out as a whisper.
Yunho looked at him carefully, studying his face before nodding slowly. Wooyoung nodded back, despite the ache that answer gave him.
“Is he taking care of you? Is he making you eat properly and making you rest a lot?”
“He does.” Yunho whispered back, stuttering and sniffing as he did. Wooyoung hummed, smiling gently.
At least, he was good at that.
“Does he love you?”
Yunho paused, tears falling faster now, but he nodded nonetheless.
“Do you love him?”
Yunho paused, eyes holding up as a warning, “Wooyoung-”
“Just answer me please.” Wooyoung pleaded, squeezing his eyes shut. “ Do you love him?”
“I do.” Yunho breathed, and Wooyoung felt another tear slip out of his eyes.
He nodded and smiled softly at Yunho, closing his eyes again briefly before forcing himself to look at him again. “Okay.”
He started to walk backwards and away from Yunho, clutching his bag tightly, his knuckles turning white as he felt his heart hurt more than any physical pain. He stared at Yunho’s big eyes as he slowly increased their distance, keeping the small smile on his lips.
“Wooyoung-” Yunho called out as he tried to step forward, but Wooyoung stopped him, shaking his head as he continued to walk backwards.
“Don’t.” he begged. “I might not let you go if I wasn’t the one who’ll step away first.” Wooyoung said.
He took in this last view of the person he loved the most, under the rain and still wearing his heart on his sleeve. Tears in his cheeks, hair pressed flat against his forehead, shirt and slacks drenched, puddles around his feet, with the rain coming down hard around hard.
And even in this scene, in this last chapter Wooyoung had found him in, he still found him beautiful.
“I love you.” Wooyoung whispered, knowing well enough that Yunho won’t be able to hear him from the distance and from his cries. “But you are not mine to love anymore.”
“Thank you.” Yunho whispered. “I’m sorry.” he sobbed as he watched Wooyoung walk farther away from him in the rain, dragging his feet under him as he wiped away the tears from his face.
“I love you.”