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Scorpius had just picked up a book to read when he felt his phone ring. He pulled it out of his pocket and saw Albus’s name on the screen. He picked up the call and was instantly greeted by Albus screaming in his ear.
“Scopius. Scor. Scorpy. I neeeeeed to tell you something. Something really really really important.”
“Albus? I thought you were at your grandma’s house. Why are you calling me? And why are you talking like that? It’s weird.”
“Can’t I want to talk to my bestie. My best friend in the whole wide world. My biggest, bestest-”
Now Scorpius was getting worried. Albus was supposed to be at a family party, but he sounded more like he had been at a bar for the last two hours. “Albus. Are you drunk right now? You’re kinda scaring me.”
“Drunk? Me? Never, Scor… Well, maybe just a bit. Uncle George brought out some firewhiskey and I may or may not have had a sip… or twelve.”
“TWELVE!?! Albus, are you crazy?”
“Not crazy, a little dizzy maybe, but I’m not crazy Scooor. Wait a minute, are you crazy? Maybe we can be crazy together.”
Scorpius tried to hold in his laughter but Albus was making absolutely no sense whatsoever. As Albus’s best friend, Scorpius felt confident thinking that he should never be allowed within five feet of firewhiskey again. “Yup. You’re plastered, Al. Was there a reason for this call or-”
“Yesssss Scor. I neeeeed to talk to you. About my feelings. My feely feely feelings. I hate them.”
Maybe he’d have to revisit that decision. If firewhiskey actually got Albus talking about his feelings, it couldn't be all bad. “You want to talk about your feelings? That’s literally your least favorite subject. You told me you’d rather sit through double history with Binns.”
“Well, it’s too late now. They’re just floating around in my head. Float float float. So I need to tell someone about them or they’ll just float away.”
Scorpius couldn’t decide if he liked drunk Albus. He made absolutely no sense, but at least he didn’t seem as broody as usual. “Ok? What’s going on?”
“Well… there’s this guy. This wonderfully wonderful guy who I want to snog me senseless…BUT he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend Scor. Who even likes girls anyways? Certainly not me, that’s for sure. Girls are gross. But guys. Guys are wonderful, beautiful, amazing, sexy-"
“Ok, Albus. I get it. You’re gayer than a rainbow.”
“Ooh, rainbows. Rainbows are pretty. Not as pretty as him though. I want him Scor. I want him so bad.”
Yup, he definitely liked drunk Albus. Who replaced his emotionally stunted best friend with this drunken idiot? “Does this mystery boy have a name? Do I know him?”
“Maybe? He’s in Slytherin. And he has the cutest butt I’ve ever seen in my life. I just want to pinch it. Ring any bells?”
Scorpius ran through everyone in their house, but it wasn’t like Albus gave him a lot to go off. “Um…no?”
“You’re too busy staring at books to be staring at butts Scor. Give butts a chance though, they’re nice.”
“I’m sure they are, Al. I’m sure they are.”
“But anywayyyys. This boy, this beautiful boy with his beautiful butt would never want to date me even if he didn’t have a stupid girlfriend which he totally does. Why is my life so hard? Why can’t I just like a boy who wants me to like him and his butt? Why Scor? Whyyyyy?”
“I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there. What makes this one so special?”
“What makes him so special? Scor he’s literally perfect. He’s so nice and he makes me feel special whenever I talk to him. He’s smart, like suuuuuper smart, but he’s always willing to help me when I need it. And I need a lot of help, Scor. A LOT. And he’s got this pretty blond hair that I just want to run my hands through, all day every day. But he also has a girlfriend who is not me even though I’m not a girl and I am his friend and I HATE it, Scor, I really really hate it.”
Scorpius started to panic. Was this some sort of joke? And if not, how long had Albus felt this way? Stupid drunk Albus and his stupid feelings. “Al, are you… are you talking about me?”
“Shit. I gotta go Scor. The firewhiskey calls me. See you soon. Don’t tell Scorpius I told him all this though. He’d think I’m a crazy person.”
Albus hung up on him after that and Scorpius had never been more confused in his life. He wished there was a book on how to deal with your best friend maybe having feelings for you. He and Albus definitely had to talk tomorrow. When he was a little less tired and Albus was a lot more sober.