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A love story without an ending. That was the most suitable phrase that could describe the kind of love you had.
You tried your best to walk down the sidewalk, letting your feet lead you. You were dwelling in sadness, tearing yourself down with fond memories you had created with your other half.
However, only one of you had thought of the other that way.
But that's why it hurts more. Because the moments you were reminiscing were filled with joy, but his head was probably filled with something else.
More like someone else.
You don't know what time it is— damn, you didn't even know what day it was.
Your heart was wrenching in your chest with every step you took, so painful that you occasionally have to stop to breath, to make sure you were breathing. You almost convinced yourself that it was a heart attack because every breath you had took felt so painful.
But you knew all too well what kind of pain this was, because you had experienced it so many times before. The same yearning you had felt every time you went through this very same thing with all of your past relationships.
But why does this love, hurts so much more than the past? So much more than any other heartache you had gone through before.
It hurts. It hurts, it hurts.
Heartstrings tearing apart so mercilessly, what could you have done for you to feel such pain?
Sadness leaked out of your eyes as you stared at the dark red converse.
"Y/N, let's get these." Suna held two pairs of red converse in his hands, holding two different sizes side by side. One for him and one for you.
You chuckled under your breath as you approached the brown haired boy who was intensely observing the shoe.
"Matching shoes?" You had teased. In response, Suna had a ghost smile on his lips as he muttered.
"Couple shoes." He said under his breath. But you caught it. Your heart bloomed uncontrollably as you turned away to avoid him seeing you flustered.
The memory only made you sobbed harder, your shoulders shaking violently as you hugged yourself.
And no one was there to console you. It was only you and the chilly, still air. The trees could only witness your sadness, the leaves shaking with the gentle gush of cold breeze, as if it were consoling you.
"I love you, Suna." You whispered as if it were a secret. You and Suna were cuddling on your bed after an intimate night you had shared together. You were tangled together under the thick sheets, your breaths mingling as you gazed into each other's eyes.
It took you a year and a half to utter those four words to him. Because you and him didn't have a title. You belonged to him and he belonged to you.
He had only offered you a small smile and pulled you closer to his chest. Not before rubbing your noses together affectionately, like he always does when he's happy.
And you had only thought at the time that 'actions speak louder than words'.
But boy, were you wrong.
Looking up at the black sky, you let giant, salty tears roll down the sides of your face. The immense pain, so painful you could not fanthom the burn in your heart, it was piercing. So to ease the invincible pain, you found your eyes staring at the dark canvas above.
"Forever?" You grinned, staring at yours and Suna's intertwined hands resting on his lap.
Suna avoided your eyes and focused his gaze on the constellation above. You could see something in his beautiful orbs but it washed away as soon as it came. He hesitated.
And you saw it. It was the first red flag. But you didn't run away. You didn't. Because you had already loved him.
"Forever." It was not even above whisper.
"Who's she?" You asked when you approached Suna, gesturing to the beautiful blonde girl who was sauntering away and disappearing around a corner.
Suna only shoved his hands into his pocket, still staring at the vacant spot the girl had occupied.
"Just... An old friend." Suna shrugged his shoulders lazily, rubbing the back of his neck before lifting his gaze. His eyes bore into yours, which were staring at him lovingly.
He could only feel his heart drop to his stomach.
"When you get your driver's license, we can go on long drives." Suna leaned back into the driver's seat with one hand hanging over the steering wheel. His fingers decorated with black and silver rings.
He stared at the back of your head, but you hadn't realise since you were staring up at the night sky which was embedded with stars. It was breath-taking. But you heard him and your smile only grew.
"Yes. Yes, Suna." You chanted silently, as if he just proposed to you. Audible only for the two of you in the car. The melancholy music played softly in the background, making the air in the car only more romantic.
You watched Suna walked into the school grounds with the beautiful blonde side by side. They looked like a good pair.
And you hated yourself for admitting that.
Because they do look good together.
No. They looked perfect for each other.
You had stopped in your tracks when you saw them giggling at something, like they had an inside joke. Like a secret only the both of them knew.
Look at me. You said in your mind, as if to send him a telepathic message.
Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.
Why won't you look at me?
I was the only one you had your eyes on. So why are you planting yours on another?
Look at me. Like you had always looked at me.
And just when you had given up, he turned around. His head manoeuvred and his eyes searched the small crowd, searching for something until his eyes landed on you. Like he knew you were staring at him.
A spark of excitement lit up in your chest, in hopes that he would call you over to join him.
Because you yearned and longed for his company after two whole weeks of not being in contact with him.
Simply said; you were ghosted.
And you knew. Except you let it go.
But from afar, he only offered you a ghost smile before turning back around to reply to something the blonde girl had said. As if you were invincible.
As if you didn't matter to him.
"Suna!" You giggled, trying to muffle your laugh with one hand. He was leaning over to you from the driver's seat, tickling your sides viscously. "Stop, please!"
Pinning your hands above your head with ease, he had full control of you but he only rested his palm on your stomach. His hands found their way to the hem of your shirt and he stroked the sensitive skin softly. His eyelids fluttered shut before leaning in for a gentle kiss. He loosen the grip on your hands, allowing you to escape from his grasp and wrap your arms around his neck.
And at that very moment, you realised that you had never felt this way for anyone. It was like this feeling was reserved and waiting for Suna, and only him.
How could you ever love someone else after everything we had experienced together? You had thought as the flashback came mercilessly, out of your control.
After everything you've been through together?
You were each other's first.
You had him first. He had you first.
"Y/N!" Suna had yelled over the loud traffic. We were standing on the opposite sides of the road as cars drove by swiftly. He was waving his hands frantically in order to get your attention, a small smile stretched across his handsome face.
Your heart warmed at the sight.
Yes, you love the boy. Always will and always have.
You and him were falling apart. With less frequent calls, texts, night adventures.
It's like he had disappeared into thin air. Wiped off the surface of the earth.
So you had decided to go to his house, but that was a grave mistake.
Because your heart only shattered when you reached his house, staring at a familiar white vehicle parked in his front yard.
In Suna's white car, there were two dark figures but not dark enough that you couldn't deciphered who it was.
The blonde girl from before was giggling in the passenger's seat, her shoulders shook in delight at something Suna had said.
He looked okay. Perhaps, even better than when you were with him.
But you still loved him. With every crevices of your heart, you do.
And Suna had a smile— no... not just any smile.
A smile he had only shown to you before. A smile that was always meant for you. A smile that was reserved for you, and always had been for you.
So why was he sharing his private smile... to another girl?
But the next thing they did was what shattered your heart the most.
Suna had leaned in towards the girl slowly, as if to check whether or not was it okay for him to get closer. And when he was sure he could,
he rubbed his nose against hers gently, affectionately.
Like he always, always, always did to you and only to you. It was your secret love language, so why was he easily doing it to some girl?
But she wasn't just some other girl. To him. Not anymore.
"I'm sorry, Y/N." Suna apologised, his tone gentle and soft but he was far from sorry. He didn't have an ounce of regret of loving another girl, who wasn't you.
He was only sorry because he saw how in love you are with him. And how you are in your current state.
And how much of a mistake it was to fool around with you.
You sobbed as you stare at him from above. He looked like he was void of any feelings. At least, towards you. He stroked your hips gently as you ride him, guiding you slowly.
Your thoughts were filled with how you were ruining this night— probably the last night you will ever share with him— while he just stared at you, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear tenderly.
Your hands were planted on his chest in attempt to hold yourself up, your head downcast as you tried to hold in your sob. He didn't force you to move, neither did he try to push you off.
He felt your tears drip onto his chest. Your hair curtained your face and he gingerly tucked them back again. The pad of his thumb swiped over your wet cheeks, but the tears only fell harder, faster.
So pulling you off of him, he embraced you under the sheets. Skin on skin. You were naked. Physically and emotionally.
And you knew, deep in darkest pits of your heart that this was your last intimate moment with him.
No. Your last interaction with him.
No matter how hard you try to deny it, how hard you refuse to acknowledge it, you knew.
And so you sobbed into his chest as his slim, calloused fingers stroke your back. Consoling you.
But when you woke up the next morning, he was already gone.
He had already left.
"But that's the problem, isn't it?" You yelled in the empty studio you had rented together. A studio you had promised to move in together after high school.
But Suna had broken that promise. Like its a worthless piece of glass he had found on the sidewalk.
You jerked your hand away from Suna's touch. But he wasn't even hurt by your actions. Because he was no longer in love with you.
Hell, was he even in love with you in the first place?
"You don't love me, Suna." You had mustered the strength in your body to speak. You spoke word by word as you slowly raised your eyes to meet his. Your vision was blurry as it bore into his clear, glossy orbs.
"I do-"
"No!" You protested, breaking down as you did so. You had tried so hard to get it together, to make a breakthrough but that was impossible now.
Was it even possible in the first place?
You buried your face in your palms in despair. And you thought to yourself; Could this pain get any worse than this?
Yes. It can.
"You love me, Suna. But you're not in love with me." You clutched the fabric resting above your heart in despair. Your heartstrings were being pulled, broken, torn apart and you felt every single tug. "If it were her all this time, then why? Why did you pursue me?"
Suna only stared at your broken state, stationary. He was upset that you were acting this way, but you both could not deny the fact that he was in love with another.
And that hurt you more than you could ever imagine.
Just when did you fall this deep?
"If you loved me... then why'd you leave me?"
That's right. He loved you.