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“We still have to think about the rations of the provisions. More recruits have joined than we had expected. We'll probably have to stock up,” Levi said as he flipped through the pages of a list, elegantly crossing his legs and sipping his tea. “Have you thought about which route we're going to take through Shiganshina? I think this collection of ruins might be suitable night camp. If there are not too many clashes with the Titans, we should reach them by early evening.”
He tapped on a cluster of buildings on the map and frowned when Erwin didn't answer.
“Erwin? Are you listening to me or have you fallen asleep?” he teased as he playfully rolled his eyes, but still there was no reply and when Levi thought about it, Erwin hadn't made a sound for a while.
“Erwin?” Carefully, he turned his head to the right where Erwin's head rested on his shoulder as he read the latest results of Hanji's experiments and he sighed softly at the sight. Erwin was indeed asleep. The commander's eyes were closed and his breath blew like a warm summer breeze against Levi's neck, tickling the sensitive skin. His blond hair shimmered like gold in the flickering light of the candle.
“Seriously? I do all the work and you just fall asleep,” he grumbled and rolled his eyes, but the moment the words had left his mouth, he sighed and a warm smile eased the furrow between his brows, because Erwin looked beautiful in his sleep. The deep mountains and valleys on his forehead and between his brows were smoothed out, and he looked younger, so much younger that it warmed Levi’s heart. “But I don't want to be like that. For once.”
Levi chuckled softly and stroked a loose strand out of his face with a tender expression in his dark eyes and rested his forehead against Erwin’s.
“You deserve some rest, love,” he whispered as he kissed between the prominent brows and closed his eyes. Little moments of peace like this were just too rare for them, but Levi enjoyed only the more. He had grown up in darkness, had always longed to see the sun just once, but Levi had never expected to find it in a person instead of in the sky.
Erwin had pulled him in from the first moment. Between the shapeless shades of people of the Underworld, he had stood out. Ever since that tall man with the eyes blue and deep as the ocean and the shiniest hair Levi had ever seen never left his mind. Not for a single day, though the emotions had changed over the time. At first, he had wondered who that man was, then he had hated him and now, he felt like his heart was bursting from all those tender emotions. Emotions he often didn’t know how to handle or how to express. Erwin deserved so much more than he was able give at the moment- at least in this regard. But it was a fact that Levi had never learned how it was supposed to feel like or to give it.
He tried, but whenever he did, he felt vulnerable and uncertain, blushing under the soft smile of Erwin or his blown wide eyes and often enough he fled out of the situation with gruff. Fortunately for him, Erwin let him.
Only when he felt unobserved, when he was sure that Erwin wouldn’t notice it, he was able to express what he actually felt, to let his softer side to the surface. One day, though, he hoped he could, because Erwin deserved to know how much he meant to him.
Levi sighed and dropped his head against Ewin’s, chasing those thoughts away, because he simply wanted to enjoy this moment. To simply feel the warmth of being with him without any danger banging on their door.
“One day, Erwin,” he murmured as he turned towards Erwin and buried his nose in his hair. “One day I’ll be the boyfriend you deserve.”
“You already are.” Levi startled as Erwin’s deep, slurred voice suddenly seemed to thunder through the silence, echoing from the walls of his room and something very rare happened: Levi turned into a pillar of salt and his heart raced inside his chest.
Slowly and hesitantly, he turned to look into Erwin's deep, hazed eyes, which blinked lazily.
“How long have you been awake?”
“Not long.” Erwin yawned and stretched before turning towards him with a smile as he cupped his cheek, his thumb brushing along Levi’s bottom lip. “You’re already perfect.”
A warm, tender aura full of love surrounded Erwin as he looked into his eyes and Levi’s heart skipped a beat and his eyes widened.
“Erwin.” His voice tumbled over his name and Erwin’s smile became even softer. He tilted his head to the side and even though he didn’t say it, Levi almost heard how he thought that he was adorable and that made him even more flustered. His cheeks became suspiciously warm and he snapped his head away with his typical tch. His typical avoidance strategy. One he found ridiculous himself, but he couldn’t handle the fast beating of his heart or all the emotions swelling inside of him that felt like a warm, overwhelming storm. Hard to withstand, but somehow pleasant.
“There’s no need for you to change, Levi.” Erwin’s voice was strong, now, powerful, leaving no doubts of his words behind as he gently tilted his chin back up so that Levi had to look into his calm, unwavering eyes which truly were the ocean crafted into a gem.
“You may not show your affection like most, but you do. Just in a different way.” A tender, reassuring thumb trailed along Levi’s cheekbone and stopped next to his eyes, stroking his tingling skin in soothing circles. “And I see and notice each and all of them.”
Levi felt like he needed to say something. He opened his mouth, but there was no word coming out.
“Like how I wake up the next morning in the chair with a blanket I didn’t have the evening before,” Erwin continued as if he hadn’t noticed it, but the serious expression of him showed that he had. His hand wandered higher, running through the smooth, black strands, stroking them out of Levi’s eyes to have an undisturbed sight of them. How you bring me tea and something to eat when I have a long day or how you tidy up my room whenever I’m out.”
The air suddenly felt tight, pulsating with something he couldn’t name, while he was pulled in by those enthralling, endless sapphires.
“I know how you spare Phoenix an extra treat each time you’re in the stable.” Erwin chuckled and it woke Levi up from his inner tension.
“Well, he’s a brave horse,” he replied with something almost like a smirk on his face.
“Oh, he definitely is and he deserves those treats, but is that your way to motivate my horse?”
“It won’t harm it at least.” Levi shrugged.
“No, certainly not except that he will love you more than me.” With a deep, amused laugh, Erwin leaned back. “And where would we be then?”
“As long as it makes sure he brings you back.” To me almost slipped him, but at least his voice stayed casual. Or so he thought.
“Well, it’s not all up to him,” Erwin said cautiously, though not because of the words. He had noticed the small lapse in Levi's aura and his brows furrowed slightly. Damn, Levi thought, he had a way of reading him that was coming close to annoying. Quite close.
Or at least that was what Levi tried to tell himself. The truth was that he actually loved it.
That he loved Erwin.
Levi’s eyes widened and it felt like a flash was striking him inwardly. What had he just thought? Could it truly be? Levi rested a hand to his chest, feeling the fast beating of his heart, heard the blood rushing through his veins.
“Levi?” Erwin asked concerned and Levi blinked, quickly lifting his gaze. His eyes were now a darker shade of blue. More like a sapphire than an aquamarine and the faint nuance of ice had melted. Something deep rested in those eyes, something drowning, but in a pleasant kind of way. A colour play you wanted to get lost in, wishing it could pull you in. “Is something wrong?”
Levi didn’t know what to answer exactly. The old instinct of his told him to find any excuse to get out of this situation. Appreciation and affection were something that Levi had never learned and that overwhelmed him.
But he didn’t want to turn away from Erwin. It was a crossroad and Levi had to decide whether he wanted to open up more, show Erwin more of himself or if he would shut himself down completely again.
There was no in between.
“No,” he whispered as he cupped Erwin’s cheek and stroked it tenderly, a warm expression resting in his eyes. “Nothing’s wrong.”
Erwin didn’t seem convinced.
“Are you sure,” he asked, the mist of worry not disappearing from his eyes.
“Yes.” Levi nodded and showed one of his rare, faint smiles, his long, tender fingers caressing Erwin’s cheeks.
Erwin blinked, a flicker of confusion in his eyes.
“Good.” He huffed and the tension faded out him, his gaze softening as he leaned into his palm and kissed it. A slight tingle ran through Levi as he felt the warm touch of Erwin’s lips on his skin and his heart skipped a beat.
He loved those quiet, rare moments he realised. Moments in which the world around them fell away and their entire focus was just the face of the other. The moments in which they both knew what they felt without having to say it.
A warmth began to spread from his solar plexus, running like a ray of sunshine through his veins, filling him with feelings he barely knew, but felt more precious than anything in this world. Without a second thought, Levi dove headfirst into the depths of Erwin’s oceans that seemed to expand until they became his world, ready to find whatever that was resting on the ground.
“Levi?” Levi blinked again and lifted his head. “You keep drifting away from me.”
“It’s strange, isn’t?” Levi murmured and Erwin blinked confused, while he turned his head away and looked out of the window.
Night had long fallen over world, covering with a deep, black blanket. Not even the stars shone tonight and it was quiet. Unusual quiet.
“What do you mean?”
“How the night makes you thoughtful. At least me. Maybe, because I’m used to darkness. The day always is so bright, it’s almost blinding.”
“Levi…”
“But it makes me appreciate the daylight ever the more and I noticed that the feelings I had when I first saw the sun, I now feel when I look at it.”
Erwin’s eyes widened, the normally composed commander being speechless for a moment, but Levi didn’t mind. It was easier saying it without being interrupted.
“You are important to me, Erwin. More than I ever thought anyone could be and more than I ever wanted to,” he continued, his thumb now coming to rest on the corner of Erwin’s mouth. “I care for you and…”
For a moment he lowered his eyes and thought about backing down.
“And I think I love you.” Never in his life had Levi been so terrified. He didn’t know what he would find inside those blue eyes as soon as he looked up. He feared to find confusion, bewilderment, amusement or worst: rejection in those sapphires. That Erwin would pull away and instead of getting closer, the words would create a gap between them. They were already as close as people could be, at least Levi thought so. So, what if he were to lose everything now?
But Erwin said nothing, only looked at him with slightly widened eyes, his mouth a little bit open.
“I…I’m not sure,” Levi stammered when Erwin had stayed silent for one moment too long and he couldn’t stand this vulnerability anymore, immediately trying to rebuild the walls he had just torn down. “I mean I have no idea how it’s supposed to feel like.”
“Levi, stop.” Erwin’s voice was calm and Levi’s words fell away and his heart stopped beating for a moment. Ewin’s hand cupped his jaw and gently tilted his head up. Cautiously, he followed Erwin’s request and looked back up. Something unexpected rested in those blue eyes: compassion. “You don’t have to apologize or justify it.”
With that he leaned forward and kissed Levi, soft and gentle, a tender touch of lips and Levi’s eyes closed. All insecurities, the trembling of is heart, all of this was gone and forgotten. It didn’t matter, it almost felt ridiculous to him that he had been worried.
What they had couldn’t be destroyed so easily. Their bond was stronger than anything in this world. That became obviously clear to him as he sank deeper into Erwin’s arms which held him so tight and safely.
“It is alright if you’re not sure, yet,” Erwin murmured against his lips, only to kiss him again. Then he pulled away and tenderly stroked a strand out of his face, smoothing it back behind his ear, but only fell immediately back and he chuckled softly. “Not everything needs a name. I know what you feel for me. I can feel it. In every touch, word, gesture and action of yours. I see it in your eyes, feel it running through our bond. So, don’t worry. It’s about your pace, too. You matter in this, Levi, just as much as I do, because you matter to me.”
Erwin kissed him once again, softer than ever before and a feeling of-…of happiness, maybe? spread through Levi from the top of his head, down to his toes, from one hand to the other, until it felt as if he was shining from the inside.
“Because I love you.”