Chapter Text
A sparkling sun was shining that morning, the skies blue as they rarely had been, and Vic walked down the street with a spring to his step. Snow had molten off the corners of his heart faster than a bullet when he'd met Kellin and ever since -- though life continued to be as unpredictable as ever -- he just hadn't felt those oppressing downs that used to grip him by the collar and drown him in the arctic ocean. At that point, and only a couple months into this cheerful relationship, it was one of the best things to ever happen to him.
As he saw a few dark clouds decorating the horizon, Vic thought it might be useful to get an umbrella if he was planning on continuing his present activities in the afternoon, activities which consisted of buying stupid shit for his boyfriend. Nothing brought him joy like being silly. Kellin was, after all, immensely rich, and most definitely did not need him going around and getting him slime from the dollar store, but it was so funny.
Walking down the alleys of said store, Vic's attention was drawn to a bouquet of chocolate roses with a rose, heart-shaped tag that read "To the moon and back", neglecting the three former words since everyone would already know what they were. He smiled to himself, thinking about the upcoming Valentine's day. That would be the perfect occasion to declare his love.
Though they had been going out for quite a while, Kellin hadn't pronounced The Word yet, and Vic was more than okay with that. Well, sort of. Sort of, because he'd have liked the reassurance, but some people have more trouble saying it than others and... It hadn't been that long... Had it? They'd only been dating for... Six months... Already. Time does fly.
He had luck, that was undeniable. By the time he closed the door, the city streets were getting moistened. And, maybe it was fate, maybe Vic was just a hopeless romantic, but he had time for the last stop before the drenching came. A flower shop. What? Vic couldn't help himself! All the flowers and all the couples he saw were daunting, and his heart begged for a little cliche on that day. So not only had he a lot of useless stuff, but he also had a cute red-rose bouquet.
He smiled while biting his bottom lip, hearing the soft pitter-patters on the dark floor, feeling his heartbeat increase while warmth spread through his chest. He was glowing by the time Kellin showed up.
"Hey-" Kellin started but stopped himself, smiling in confusion while tilting his head. Vic had brought him random, cheap things before, and it was amusing, but this time he held something... More on his hands. Kellin was bewildered, that's for sure.
"Hey, boo," Vic spoke softly. He licked his lips, his gaze getting mischievous. He jogged up to Kellin in small little bounces, standing at least two feet apart from him. Kellin was gazing at him weirdly.
"I brought you some things," Vic smirked fondly. He breathed out, rasing all he shopped with a swift movement while not taking his eyes out of Kellin, by now only expecting Kellin's reaction. Kellin's gaze flickered at Vic then at the flowers. It was a sweet gesture of Vic, it was, but... Why?
"Uh..." And Vic could see his confusion, so he kept smiling, now all soft and cute while looking at Kellin with adoration. Vic shrugged.
"Valentine's day is tomorrow, so I thought I'd get you a little something before," he smiled proudly of himself.
Kellin blinked. "Oh," he was taken aback, definitely. Then he smiled. Big. "God," he chuckled, taking the bags from Vic, "I don't deserve you." He shook his head to himself, having the same heart eyes. Vic shrugged, playing along with a "maybe I don't deserve you." he moved his eyebrows up and down, making Kellin laugh again.
"Mhm, you don't. You deserve more." Vic couldn't catch up on the underlying seriousness in Kellin's tone. He couldn't see the amount of truth that simple phrase held for Kellin. Not yet.
"I think I deserve what I want, and what I want is you," Vic winked, stepping closer, his arms going straight to Kellin's middle, bringing them closer. His fond gaze stayed up at Kellin, that had the most genuine smile of his life. Kellin hummed, hugging Vic closer and dipping his head down, meeting Vic's plump lips.
The thunders made it all even more cliche. The noise of the sky's cries hitting the window became one along with their breaths and the occasional smack of lips, and soon enough, they had to break it off because of Vic's giant grin. Kellin shook his head, also smiling and holding Vic close. But it was a shame that Vic didn't figure out that the sky wasn't crying in happiness for them, but rather dread. The sky broke down in thousands and thousands of drops, much like Victor would.
A shame, truly.
~•~•~•~•~•~•~
When you spend enough time with someone, you learn to know what type of person they are, and Vic knew Kellin wasn't really the cheesiest guy out there, but as he woke up alone the following day, he couldn't help the bit of disappointment that settled in his chest. He sighed softly, tossing around for a bit in the cold sheets before reluctantly pulling himself from the bed.
A note awaited on the counter, wishing him a happy valentines' and announcing Kellin had to leave earlier that morning to get his business done, but he'd be back, "hopefully before midday".
Vic nodded, placing the note face down and shivering as his fingertips grazed the cold marble countertop. A loud silence echoed in the kitchen, urging him to take the few steps that separated him from the coffee machine and turning it on, so at least its little clicks would fill the ambient.
A cup of anything warm fixes most issues, to be fair, and by the time Vic was eating breakfast, his troubles were forgotten. The house was pretty quiet, sure, but Kellin couldn't spend every waking hour with him either. What was he expecting? Surely he'd be back quickly enough and they would have a nice little V-day together, like the perfect couple they were.
But every perfect couple have their flaws, because surely enough, it was almost two pm. Vic had melted on the couch with his arms crossed and legs spread out. The hoodie of Kellin's that he took at some point of the day made him look even smaller along with the frown that took the light of his eyes partially. He sighed, for the hundred time that day, but perked up at the sound of the door unlocking. He couldn't be bothered to look at Kellin even when he heard the door lock and a breath hitch.
Kellin traced his tongue over his bottom lip, placing his things on the ground against the wall and moving to the couch. He sat down though he was on the edge, awfully tense, waiting for Victor to fairly punish him somehow for majorly screwing up by yelling or something, though he knew that Victor wouldn't do such a thing.
"Hey," Kellin whispered, apologies twinkling out of his gaze, which wandered all over Victor. All Vic did was hum back, not taking his gaze away from the television, even if he wasn't really watching it. Kellin winced, wrinkling his nose.
"So... Did you had a good day?" Kellin almost smacked himself at the question, but he had to get Vic to say something, anything.
"Oh yeah," Victor scoffed bitterly, "it was... Fun to sit by myself all day on a Valentine's Day." The sarcasm swept straight out of his monotonous tone, the edge of a chuckle following along. His eyes flickered from the television to Kellin quickly before he got back on staring at it.
Kellin frowned then shrugged his lips. He sighed. "I'm sorry. I got caught up with a few stuff and people kept stopping me to talk and I just..." he trailed off. It was always the same excuses. 'I'm sorry, someone held me back. I'm sorry, I had to do this thing I forgot. I'm sorry, I had something more important.' Kellin forced himself to relax as he laid back.
None said a thing for a heavy moment before Kellin exhaled once more. He slowly laid his head down on Vic's shoulder, feeling relieved that Vic didn't shrug him off. One hand went to Vic's bicep while the other went to his thigh. He turned his body to face Vic completely.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, the apologetic, sorrowful look on his face still so prominent. He did feel bad for taking that long but it wasn't something that was his fault. It was never his fault.
Vic looked at him blankly for a long moment before he sighed, his eyes slipping shut, his head falling back and his arms dropped down, his hands now on his lap.
"It's okay," Vic mumbled. He swallowed, turning his head slightly and opening his beautiful dark eyes to watch Kellin, that still had thousands and thousands of apologies written at Vic in his sorrowful eyes. Victor sighed once more, taking one arm behind Kellin and the other on his opposite shoulder, cradling him in his arms, "it's okay. Don't stress it."
It was a very uncomfortable position but neither really said anything. They stood like that for a few minutes before Kellin got up suddenly and pulling Victor along before dragging him all the way to their room, telling something about wearing 'decent' clothes to Vic and purposefully ignoring Vic.
"Kellin! Talk to me!" Vic exasperated, looking at Kellin like he was done with everything, although curious. "what are you doing and where the hell are we going?"
Kellin rolled his eyes and remained silent until he locked himself in the bathroom to shower. They were both ready in minutes without further out-loud-wondering of Vic's even if Kellin never gave him an answer.
Vic always tried to follow and make Kellin happy with whatever the boy wanted to do, so, when, despite everything, he found himself trailing behind his lover, it wasn't really much of a surprise. In the car, Vic turned the radio's volume up and let his eyes wander out the window, observing as everything melted together when the car had taken velocity and letting his mind run away from his body. Eventually, his daydreaming was cut short by the breaks of the car and Kellin getting out, and Vic forced himself to do as much.
Then, hesitant, he reached towards Kellin's hand, trying to catch it in a gentle grip, accepting an apology that hadn't even been handed out, or maybe Vic was the one apologizing. Yeah, after all, wasn't he overreacting a little bit?
"Kells?" Vic asked as the other man's hand escaped slyly from his touch.
Kellin served him a tight smile. "Come on, we've got stuff to do."
Vic cast his eyes on the ground, speechless. "Well... Okay."
By now, he'd grown accustomed to Kellin's hatred for public displays of affection but, after so long, on valentine's day... Could want to hold hands with one's boyfriend really be so bad?
They went on. Looking around and at the attractions that have been placed near the eating area, they laughed and smiled at each other, though sometimes they were apologetic smiles from Kellin and lonesome chuckles from Vic.
It was difficult to enjoy their time when there was a caving hole between them. They were furthering apart with each time Vic tried to grab Kellin's hand to be shrugged off or how whenever they were close enough for their arms to be brushing Kellin would clearly step away from Vic. It wasn't enjoyable. At all. The rejection was something that Vic never got used to whenever they had to go out in public and at this point it couldn't hurt more.
It wasn't only painful as it was infuriating. Not only was Vic lonely but he was also getting pissed, though he buried it within the tight smiles and the shift of his jaw beneath his skin. Kellin always noticed the mood changes; whenever they managed to finally loosen up, they would get too close for Kellin and he would increase the space between them, the hole he had been creating on their relationship.
It was a vicious cycle. It happened over and over again until it ultimately stopped. Not for the better.
Victor was livid. He had given up on keeping a smile, only staying with a blank face and frowned lips. He needed to cheer up and Kellin's silence did nothing to help.
But then he heard singing. Victor stopped in place before looking towards where the music came from, an idea on his head. He gave no fucks and held Kellin's wrist, dragging him to the mini setup stage. Kellin uncomfortably took his hand away, making Vic's excitement drop a tiny bit before he shrugged it off.
"Uh, Vic? What are you doing?" Kellin asked softly, his rainy gaze flickering between the stage and Vic. He barely glanced at Kellin before a round of applause broke the air and the sweaty, smiling people that were up there got down, wishing them luck. Vic politely thanked them before he went up as Kellin stood there looking completely lost. Vic looked back at him and quirked an eyebrow, making Kellin hesitantly go up those stairs. He gulped, Vic smiled faintly. Relieved, maybe. Because that small thing meant something when it wasn't supposed to.
Vic got on the chair that stood there, waving at everybody that was watching them with his lips curved up. He cautiously grabbed the guitar that sat on the support and, already knowing that someone else was already playing it, he didn't even bother to check the strings.
He brought the microphone closer to his mouth, taking a look at Kellin that sat beside him, nervously bouncing his leg. Victor faced the public again.
"Hi, I'm, uh, Vic and this is my bo-" he stopped himself. No, no he can't tell. He glanced at Kellin that seemed tense enough to snap some veins on his body. "This is Kellin," Victor looked away from the uneasy face Kellin had as soon as their eyes connected. Kellin's stomach clenched as soon as Vic's gaze got heavy, pained, but he did nothing.
"So, as today is a very cheesy day, I'd like to play a very cheesy song as well," Victor forced a mischievous smile, his eyes getting draw to Kellin. "As cheesy as Everything I Do." The energy the cheering that Vic got was enough to make Victor chuckle far more genuinely, not even bothering to look at Kellin's furrowed brows and uncomfortable face. Victor strummed the first chord on the guitar, getting another wave of praising before he set his chair slightly to the side with his feet so it faced the space between the crowd and his company.
And he sang, a few people singing along with him while Kellin didn't even bother to look less out of place. But Vic made it worse.
Vic looked at Kellin at a certain point of the music with so much adoration and love written all over his face, getting up in such a good mood once again, his spirits hyping up with so much fondness for that one man... It was like the bad things couldn't even compare to the good things to Victor. The nervousness and uneasiness seemed to become physical for Kellin, a large lump forming on his throat leaving him unable to breathe but not finding it in himself to look away from Victor.
"There's nothing I want more," Victor sang ever so softly, paying no mind to the acapella that followed his lead. "I would fight for you," and he smiled. He smiled so gently, so lovingly, so purely at Kellin, his eyes getting such a beautiful spark for the first time that day. Even after all the let downs, Victor still couldn't help but smile.
Kellin's breath picked up. He couldn't do that. He needed to leave that place. If this got into the media's ears, they would know and his secret would be out. Shit. Shit. But all Kellin could do was stand there, frozen, watching Victor's dark enticing eyes stuck on his until he just couldn't anymore, his paranoia choking him with such tight grip that he was about to throw up. Kellin stood up, getting close to Vic to tell him that he would wait down there, away from Victor but that was a mistake. Kellin leaned in just as Vic finished singing "Everything I do, I do it for you," strumming the last final sets of chords.
In Vic's head, Kellin wasn't there to leave, he had ignored Kellin's discomfort just like Kellin had ignored Vic's feelings so far. Vic didn't think much, really, all he saw was Kellin face getting closer to his cheek. Too lay a kiss on it, maybe, to show him appreciation, to show him love but Victor had other plans. He turned his head, placing his lips on Kellin's.
A wave of applause and shouting came yet it was so easily to get stuck in their own little worlds, both their heartbeat increasing, but for different reasons.
All Vic could think was about the warmth that easily bloomed through his chest, spreading all the way to his fingertips, his lips and cheeks tingling, the adrenaline that flushed in a way that Victor could conqueer the world if he wanted to, his stomach twisting with the most beautiful kind of love, of affection.
All Kellin could think was 'what the fuck nonononono shit, no!!!' His chest became so tight, throat closed off, his brain turned off, his hands shook slightly. Kellin was going to throw up. He stopped thinking.
His hands quickly found Vic's chest.
Kellin pushed him as hard as he could. He couldn't breathe.
Kellin stepped back, staring at Vic in such deep horror and disgust as if he had just cold-bloodedly killed someone with a smile. Vic fell from the chair, breaking the guitar's arm in the process. It was all so fast and everything went so loud for a moment before turning quiet so quickly that the change of mood came with a ringing in their ears.
Vic didn't meet Kellin's eyes at any point, even if Kellin begged him with his mind. The regret of pushing him away already began pooling around his guts, though the hate did too.
Turns out the panic was overpowering his rational side. He couldn't stop shaking.
Victor pushed himself up slowly, the hundred of pitiful eyes heaving on his back painfully. His gaze never once left Kellin's shoes, but when it did, when Vic finally met his eyes, Kellin wished he hadn't. He couldn't control his mouth.
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" Kellin shouted. He really didn't mean to, especially when he saw how hard Vic flinched, how quickly the edge of his nose flushed, how easily Vic's eyes began tearing up. The air shifted so quick that people held their breath, afraid of breathing too loudly.
Vic said nothing, he didn't need to. There was nothing to say. His eyes glazed over even though he held himself from cracking right there.
Not because he was in front of hundreds of people but because he wouldn't forgive himself if he allowed Kellin to see the wound that he had craved on soul, wouldn't forgive himself for letting Kellin see how hurt he actually was, how rejected and how quickly his head went underwater into the self-depreciating Victor was becoming. Victor turned around swiftly, not really caring anymore. Why would he bring himself to care when the one he did it for couldn't care any less?
He jumped out of the stage and he ran. He ran as fast as his tears dropped, hearing the sky hollering the way he felt like he was about to. Victor stopped at the main entrance of the shopping quickly seeing a taxi and he got in without a second thought. He whispered the address because he knew if he spoke louder he would break right then and there, his voice choked down, his eyes so pitifully distraught. The taxi driver took him home with an empathetic heart, glancing from time to time to see Vic's red-rimmed eyes, his trembling bottom lip and, flushed face. Vic thanked the guy and paid him as fast as he possibly could before rushing up the stairs and locking himself on their house, mindful of the vultures so quickly hovering above him. his chest ached so ridiculously much, throbbing and pinching in such way that Victor was sure his heart was about to give in.
His head was a whirlwind as he rushed into the small room, his foot hovering for a second over the tile. A lone drop of water fell from the tap to the bottom of the sink. The door gently pushed him back to reality, his foot touching the ground and immediately, his hand pulling the door shut with a smack. Vic's back was pressed up against the door, his breath choppy, his eyes glassy. Fucking hell. His hands went to his chest, grabbing where his heart should be as if it hurt deep inside.
And then, he allowed himself to fall to the floor.
And forth came the waterworks.
An hour. Vic knew because he was counting the minutes with the ticking of his watch, no emotions remaining in his veins. He almost felt like the blood had run back into the pump that was his heart.
"Vic, Vic, where are you?!" Asked Kellin's voice, fucking finally, from the other side of the door, a hysteric edge to it, but if there was once thing Vic didn't feel like doing, it'd be responding to those pleas.
He simply sat there on the tile floor, staring at the empty bathtub, thinking awful things inside that little head of his.
On the other side, gray eyes harbored all of the panic in the world as two feet with their own consciousness carried the boy back and forth in every room, trying to find his lover. He'd made sure to carefully wait before following his boyfriend, lest people get suspicious, which just made him feel even grosser, he who had no idea what was currently happening on the other side of the white door, but now pretty sure Vic was in there.
"Can we just talk?" Kellin asked, his voice going higher at the end, almost pleading, almost squeaky.
A silence followed.
"What took you so long?" Vic asked, his voice flat. He knew the answer, he just wanted to know whether Kellin was ready to admit it.
Another drop of water fell down the drain.
"I... Didn't want people to see."
Silence again.
Vic hummed softly. "Cool."
"No, I know it's not... I just. I don't know what to do about it. Do you get it? I just... Don't fucking know!"
"No. I don't get it, actually. Most of us aren't insanely famous, you know." Vic chuckled sadly.
"I...."
"But it's cool. It's fine. I just... Need to get over it and then, everything will be fine."
"It's not, Vic, please, let's talk this out."
"No, for real, don't worry about it. Just give me some time."
Kellin hesitated, of course he did. He wasn't about to let Vic slip away even further, but he only sighed, resting his head on the door and muttering an 'okay'.
"I'll... I'll be in the living room if you need me," his eyes fell shut, the desperation unable to soothe down even though he knew Victor was still there, even though he knew Victor was just outside that door. His heart couldn't help but silently beg Vic to ask him to stay.
A little hum rumbled Vic's throat, his whole body deflated, joints aching for staying such long time in that same position. Kellin shoulders dropped, his eyes went dull.
He really didn't mean to become this. He was sorry, he was so damn sorry.
Kellin stood straight, scrunching his face while looking at the door pained. He exhaled, grabbing a pillow and shutting the door not necessarily loud but audible enough to Vic, going to lay on the couch, allowing the devil in his head.
Vic took a while to get up, unable to find the energy, not even daring a glance at the mirror because he knew that it would be too much for him. He slowly dragged himself to the bed and flopped down. He laid on his back, dull eyes stuck on the ceiling.
It was everything, just like he had everything, but at the same time, it seemed so... Empty. So void of life, so funny-less. It was tiring. Maybe in the morning, he would feel stupid for feeling like a fucking ceiling but it wasn't important then, he just needed to feel more; to feel anything other than the weight that sat on his chest and the emptiness, anything other than the cold. He needed to feel.