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The bed dipped and a drafty presence laid behind Ruby, who found herself curled into the sheets. She wanted to touch her but didn’t want the other woman’s words to sting or her body to pull away. Ultimately she decided against physically touching her ‘unofficial’ wife. She wanted nothing more to do but hold her. The entire ordeal was tough. Less than forty-eight hours ago, they were sharing baby names. Now...
“We can... always try again.” Those words hung into the darkness.
Ruby wasn’t asleep, she heard it, and it was distasteful. Christina’s words came like a pang in the pit of her stomach. She was so unattached from the world. She felt lonely despite her best friend being in the same bed as her. She wanted to isolate herself. She couldn’t face anyone, especially the woman begging her to open up.
"I just want to help Ruby."
Withdrawn was her mental and physical. The only help she needed was with her state of mind. How could she lose her baby? Being a mother and creating life was the most natural thing that a woman should be able to do. At least that's what Ruby felt.
No amount of magic could save her baby. Her thoughts produced hot tears, and with a sniffle, she wiped them away.
She remembered the contractions coming, and she knew it was too early. The wetness between her legs confirmed her fears. Christina was out of town... again. It was only her and her three-year-old who was, thankfully, taking a nap. She scrambled, leaving a trail of blood, to the phone. She called the only person whose number she knew by heart. "Hello, I need to speak with Leti now!" she replied on the phone, already a broken mess.
Sympathetic eyes watched her as she was wheeled to a hospital room. She felt completely overwhelmed with embarrassment. It was horrific. Too horrific to speak about and too heartbreaking to relive. 12 weeks of caring and singing to her unborn baby and the doctor ripped her baby away from her forever leaving her to fill empty and without a care.
She remembers Clarissa calling out to her before Hippolyta took her home with her for the night. She remembers Leti trying to cheer her up as they waited. She even remembered the image of her deceased baby being tossed onto a steel table so carelessly by the doctor. Discarded like a piece of trash.
Coming home wasn’t the worst part but it sure as hell was salt in the wound.
Painful and unpleasant.
Her hormones were causing unexpected reactions in her body. Reactions she couldn’t explain to anyone. Complicated with the feelings of loss, guilt, and failure she was too drained to talk.
“Baby please, just talk to me.” Christina said gently. From the moment she made it to the hospital, Ruby was quiet. They kept Ruby overnight to make sure no infection set in. She left the hospital briefly to head home and pack them a bag for the hospital and also one to take Hippolyta for Clarissa. That’s when she saw the blood. It was a lot of blood.
What was meant to be a quick trip home turned into a three-hour cleaning session. The record player on, the bourbon on her lips, and a mop in her hand. She had to be stronger for her family. She needed to be present for her family, and she vowed at that moment that she would be everything that Ruby and their daughter needed her to be.
"I'm going to wake Clarissa and get us some breakfast." She said, shaking her own thoughts. She laid behind Ruby for another moment before sitting upward and leaving their bedroom.
"Where is mommy?" Clarissa asked as Williams' hands helped dress the three-year-old.
"She's not feeling well."
The little girl poked her lip out. Her mommy always woke her up and dressed her. Made her breakfast and combed her hair. Now daddy was taking over, and he seemed -
"Daddy are you mad?"
Christina paused, realizing her energy was being projected on her child. She shook her head and smiled tightly in the only fashion William could muster. "No, I'm just tired." more like frustrated but positively not mad.
Clarissa seemed to be content with that answer.
The three-year-old was dressed in colorful patterns: Jamaica shoes and a pop-top. Daddy knew how to dress, but hair wasn't a strong suit. Her hair was too curly, and a loose ponytail would do for now.
The day was clear despite the gloom in the house. The child looked out the bay window and smiled. "Daddy can I play outside?"
Christina's eyes darted to that same window. It was a beautiful day out there. Out in the world.
"Maybe later today Scooter."
"But I want…"
“Scooter!” ‘William’s’ voice was firm but not yelling cutting whatever protest the little girl was going to make short. “Come on so you can eat breakfast.” Christina continued ushering the child to the kitchen.
She decided to cook everything beforehand. Warming some things in the oven. A continental breakfast which she didn’t do often enough. She felt it was the safest thing to do if Ruby didn’t have much of an appetite for something or other.
“I’m going to take this to mommy. You finish breakfast alright.”
She was met with a nod as Clarissa stuck a piece of bacon in her mouth.
Going through the motions of the morning was a lot. She never realized how much her teammate took up a lot of her slack and vise versa. Ruby was in a state, and Christina was determined to get her out of it. She just didn’t know if space would be what Ruby needed.
12 weeks of growing another tiny human inside of her.
12 weeks of wondering if Clarissa would be getting a brother or a sister.
12 weeks of watching Ruby’s baby bump grow.
12 weeks of loving that tiny heartbeat… that was heartfelt… and now it was... gone.
No new baby would be placed in her arms.
“I brought you some breakfast baby… you have to eat.” Christina said, making it clear that something on the plate should be eaten by the time she came back.
Still no reply, but instead, the comforter draped over her head if to avoid sunlight in any manner.
Christina proceeded to sit the tray down on the nightstand. “I will be back soon to check on you... Baby, please eat something,” she said, exposing the worry in her voice. When Ruby didn’t budge Christina simply left the room.
“Daddy, I ate everything.”
“Good girl.” Christina said, placing a kiss on the top of the three-year-old’s head.
“Can I go outside now?”
“No not yet. We need to run some errands and then I promise you can go outside and play.”
“Okay.” Clarissa said, dropping her head.
The grocery store was the first stop. Women flocked to William despite having a child with him. A child darker by comparison but lighter than Ruby and even Leti. Ruby was convinced she would get darker in time, but now she could pass like Lena Horne, who refused to, at least that’s what the magazine on the rack says as they stand at the check out with their groceries.
Christina grabs it and throws it in with her groceries getting an odd look from the black cashier.
Next, they picked up a bouquet of Gerbera Daisies from a local flower shop. They were her mother’s favorites. Her mother would tell her that the flower itself symbolizes purity, innocence, and beauty. All the things Ruby is. It’s meant to bring energy and rejuvenation when a person feels down or in sorrow. It gives them pure and undiluted hope. That’s what they needed. Hope.
Before she and Clarissa left, she went to check on Ruby, who was asleep. The fruit and eggs were gone, and that at least settled Christina’s anxiousness. That was almost two hours ago, and she needed to hurry back home to check on her again.
“Daddy are we going home now?” Clarissa asked as if she could read her mind. She was getting fussy, and the day was well into the afternoon, indicating a nap may be on the way.
The car ride back home confirmed just that. Christina looked through her rearview mirror and smiled at the child asleep in the back seat. Her head leaned against the window. She brought her toddler in first before making a second trip for the flowers and groceries.
Fixing lunch was easy. Sandwiches would suffice. Clarissa liked her sandwich like Christina. Crust cut off, and it’s ready. Ruby liked her sandwich toasted with lettuce and tomatoes, and that’s what she was going to get. Another tray was going up, accompanied by the flowers and the reading material.
“Yesterday when you stood in front of the nursery… I wanted to ask you what you were thinking… if… if you want I can clear...”
“Stop… just stop” Ruby mustered up, which did put those words to a halt. Christina learned a long time ago that after you stop with caution you can then go. So she left the bedroom again, hearing Ruby groan. She wasn’t sure if it was for her gesture or if Ruby was in physical pain. She could only hope the woman would tell her if it was the latter.
Before she could fully walk into the kitchen, a small voice had a huge question.
“Is mommy okay?”
That was a tough one. Ordinarily, she would say yes and think nothing of it, but Ruby had just gone through a terrible incident. She wasn't sure if her mommy would be better tomorrow or the next day, but with an even heavier sigh, she answered as best she could without worry.
"Yes. She needs to rest a little more."
"Oh, I miss mommy." she responded, holding her head down again for the second time that day. Christina did too but she couldn’t break in front Clarissa. That wouldn’t do any of them any good so instead William's finger found the little girl’s chin, and his thumb found her tears.
"It's alright. Mommy is not feeling too great but you still have me. I'm here and I'm not going to go anywhere anytime soon. When mommy is feeling better you can see her but until then we just have to wait alright."
Clarissa nodded, wiping the rest of her tears. Christina helped her with that. Cleaning her up a little.
DING DONG - the doorbell’s ring sounded throughout the house.
"You stay here."
DING DONG
Who the hell could that be. She wasn't expecting anyone, and she was sure Ruby wasn't either. Maybe a salesman. Insurance they did not need. Encyclopedias they already have. Whoever it was could go to hell, and by the time she reached the door, her statement still stood.
"Not today Leti."
"Excuse me?"
"She's not up for company, especially stressful company." Christina responded, blocking the door.
"Stressful, when have I ever been stressful?"
Christina's eyes saw right through Leti. It was a rhetorical question. "She needs to rest. You can see her tomorrow but now let her just… go through this."
Leti got it. She understood completely. "I will call tomorrow before I come by… I was just in the neighborhood today." A lie. She wanted to check on her sister. "I can take - "
“No, she’s fine. She is being an angel and I can handle it. Plus, she’s keeping me company.”
Leti could see it in Christina’s face that she was holding their world together. When they first met she had never seen evil like Christina before. She would have never thought she would trust that woman but as time passed she realized Christina loved her sister just as much as she does.
“Fine.” Leti said slowly nodding her head in acceptance. They both understood that this was bigger than anything they argued or fought about. They had two people in common, and one was in crisis. Leti left without another word as Christina closed the door. She then leaned her body on it, reflecting on how to get through this. She could craft potions and spells easily. Recite Adam like her daughter could recite her “ABC’s” but she was having a hard time figuring out how to get through this.
“Clarissa, let’s go outside and play.” She said from the foyer, going into the kitchen before stopping in her tracks. “Clarissa?”
She was gone. At least she wasn't where she had last seen her. "Fuck." She went to the living room. Empty. The back door was locked, but she still checked the yard—no little person insight. "Clarissa!" she came back inside the house. "Calm down. Concentrate. Intention." Adam spilled out. It was a lost and found spell. "Of course." She said, bolting towards the stairs and to her own bedroom.
Cuddled up with her mommy was always the best. Clarissa wasn't a clingy child, but she definitely picked up on her mommy and daddy's emotions since she had come home from Auntie Hip's house. She wanted her mommy because mommy was her comfort place. She needed her mommy, and unbeknownst to her… her mommy needed her too.
"I love you."
"I love you too mommy. So much." those words from that little voice was like honey, so sweet to Ruby's ears.
Christina opened the door and saw the two in bed. She leaned on the doorframe smiling at the sight of them. Her human suit was going to wear off soon. She could control it better throughout the years. Their adoption of normalcy made uncomfortable situations bearable.
"I want you to feel better mommy."
"I know baby. I will. I will for you."
"For daddy too."
Ruby nodded, looking up at Christina as their eyes connected. "Yup, for daddy too."
"And baby??"
Christina stood straighter ready to step in. "Scooter let's let mommy rest. Come on."
"She's fine." Ruby said. She then looked at her daughter, who was afraid she had done something wrong. "Hey, you did nothing wrong." she continued in a whisper.
"Mommy won't be having a baby anymore." Ruby said out loud for the first time.
Clarissa looked up at her. She felt just as sad as Ruby felt. "Why?"
"I… I don't know why." she responded honestly.
Christina felt like she was going to break. The questions were coming and coming, and neither of them knew how to answer them.
"Are you going to have another baby in your belly soon?" A tear escaped Ruby's eyes, followed by another one. "I want another baby."
"Scooter!"
"Christina stop!" Ruby said, matching her tone.
Christina rolled her eyes and sucked in her jaw. "Whatever," she mumbled, allowing them to have their moment. A moment that she didn't want to impose on or be a part of. It was too much, and she didn't know why Ruby was putting herself through it. So she left again, which was no surprise to Ruby. That's all she has been doing lately is coming and going just as fast.
Clarissa had more questions for her. Questions that Ruby had to adjust the answers to. "How does a baby get into a Mommy's tummy?"
"The daddy puts it there."
"Where does a daddy get the baby from?"
"...From God."
"Like church?"
"Yes." Ruby confirmed moving some of Clarissa's hair out of her face.
"Did God take our baby back?"
If she wasn't already emotional, that did it… her heart sunk into the bottom of her stomach as she nodded, "Yes… yes he did."
"Why?" she asked again.
Ruby didn't know how to answer any of this. She was going to always be honest with her child the best way she could. "He... he decided that instead of giving us a baby he would give us an angel instead."
Clarissa's eyes matched Ruby's. She tried to understand as much as she could, but when she couldn't compute much, she just wrapped her little arms around Ruby again as if she was protecting her.
While Ruby engulfed herself in their daughter, Christina found a book. Something to take her mind off of things, but it was damn hard. She put on dinner, and before long, it was served.
Particular circumstances allowed the child to eat upstairs with her mother because ordinarily, Christina would not allow for it, but she was with her mother, and any mess done, they would just have to clean it up. Christina didn't come back until Clarissa was fast asleep. She walked into the bedroom to find Ruby finally sitting up reading the Jet magazine, bought from the store, with one hand rubbing Clarissa's back with the other. Clarissa was in her P.J.s which Christina was happy that a bath was one less thing she had to do.
"Is she sleeping in here tonight or can I put her in her own bed?"
"She's fine… she can stay."
Defeated, she said, "Alright." retaking their plates for the third time. "I need to see my own skin so I need a shower and then I will… I will just sleep in one of the guest rooms." She said, walking towards the door.
"Christina."
She stopped hearing her name. "Yeah?" she turned slightly.
"Thank you."
Christina nodded. "Anything for you." She meant that, and she always would mean it.
She washed the dishes and cleaned up a little. Clarissa didn't get a chance to go outside, but tomorrow was a new day.
Christina's shower felt like heaven. Her skin needed to breathe, and finally, it was happening. Her face scrunched up, allowing the water to cover her face as her fist hit the wall. The water masked the tears. On her drive back to Chicago, she felt hopeless. Seeing Ruby down and distraught made her true feelings anxious for this to pass. Now… alone in this shower, she felt angry. So fucking angry.
Not mad like Clarissa asked earlier. The madness was mental. She was thinking very clearly. She also was not frustrated, which was the answer she gave earlier to avoid worrying her daughter, who had no clue the baby they were excited for, was gone. The word was, in fact, angry. Ruby wouldn't want her to blame God, but her family was robbed, and it was an injustice. Her father spilled so much bullshit that she couldn't help but feel like she was being punished.
She wasn't going to simmer in it, but the emotion was overwhelming. After her shower, she landed in the living room with the bar and more of the bourbon. It went down smooth like it always does. She held onto the bottle and the glass. Drowning in sorrow. Feeling the moment.
"Christina."
"Fuck." she said under her breath. She was sure her eyes were bloodshot now. She couldn't turn around to face her, but instead, she asked, "Do you need something? I can get it for you."
Realizing that Christina was trying to avoid her gaze, Ruby walked closer. In front of her. She looked at her to see her for what felt like the first time in a very long time. "I just… I just need you."
That felt like a relief for them both. "I need you too." Christina replied back. All-day she just wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her and tell her it was alright. She was still one hell of a wife and mother. A woman who was strong yet fragile, and that was okay. She would pick up the pieces.
For Ruby, being out of bed felt good. As soon as her feet touched the hardwood and her limbs stretched, she had to find Christina. Now that they were together, Ruby grabbed her hand and led them to the couch on the opposite side of the room. Her head landed on Christina's shoulders as her arms wrapped themselves around her body. They talked as they further got comfortable.
Chest to chest. Now laying on one another. Loving each other's presence. Ruby wanted to say she was sorry, but she knew Christina would not hear it. Not sorry for losing the baby but sorry for acting as if it only happened to her.
Clarissa was a genuine surprise, one they didn't think was possible given the nature of how she was conceived. A second baby… was planned and wanted from the moment she missed her period, and her breast became swollen.
"Christina, I'm so sorry."
"You have no reason to be." she mumbled into Ruby's chest as this was the most comfort they could find on the couch. Ruby's hands in her hair massaging her scalp, not for Christina but a mindless coping mechanism for Ruby herself. Ruby's heavy sigh made her hold on tighter.
"No, no… not because of… because of how I… you lost the baby too and I've been."
"Shhhh, it's alright. I promise you it's alright."
Ruby stopped playing in her hair and looked down at her...
"You're trying to problem solve Christina. I just need you to just be still".
That made Christina shift a bit. She pulled herself off of Ruby and stood from her seat with a bit of a stumble. "I'm walking a fine line with this Ruby. Everything I suggest you shoot down. I say we can try again and you get upset. I ask if you want to break down the crib and you yell stop. I don't know what you want from me."
"To be here."
And there it was. Christina's biggest fear that Ruby was blaming her for not being home when it happened.
"Stop overthinking because I don't… I don't blame you for me losing the baby. I blame myself more than I can ever blame you." Christina shook her head at that admission.
"When I say I want you here I want you next to me…"
"I tried to…"
"Talk, you tried to talk I know… but I wanted us to just be together and experience this together. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted for you to be near me. For you to want to be near me but you keep running away."
Christina looked at her for a moment. She didn't speak immediately, but when she did, she was honest. She sat down next to Ruby and realized where their disconnect came from as well. "I just wanted to fix this. I just didn't know how."
Ruby grabbed her hand and placed it in hers. "I know and we will. We will get through this. We will try again..." Ruby said, opening up. She was in deep grief, and it wasn't until dinner that she realized Christina channeled hers differently. She didn't understand how she couldn't recognize it at first—the need of having to continually be in control of something they just couldn't control.
Christina wrapped an arm around Ruby and pulled her closer. If being still is what she needed, then that's what they would do. Eventually, Christina fell asleep first which she deserved. She had worked her ass off because Clarissa, on a good day, was a handful. Ruby knew her daughter was going to sleep well into the morning. She got that from her. She also knew they would be sore thanks to sleeping on the couch too tired to make it up the stairs. Tomorrow was another day, and they were going to take it one moment at a time.