Archive of Our Own

Although he didn’t care much for it, Kyungsoo had to admit that the red string wrapped around his finger was pretty. Not such a harsh shade of red that it hurt his eyes, but not so dull that it looked dead either. It looked rather rose-like in the morning sun, laid across the coffee table in front of him and running through his mug the way red strings did. That was the mystery of those things. Soulmates or whatever, what Kyungsoo wanted to know was why people could see them even when they didn’t exist. No one but the wearer could touch or see them. Probably the only thing proving one’s sanity was their soulmate themselves, who could see the same string attached to their own finger.

Every time Kyungsoo picked at the string, he wondered if he could take it off. That would be interesting. Probably even preferable. He didn’t believe in things like fate, and he didn’t need to.

“You really aren’t going to look for your soulmate?” Jongin looked at his pinky finger, which Kyungsoo was habitually picking at. After having turned twenty and successfully moved out of his parents’ house, Kyungsoo was at the perfect age to start his search. Unfortunately, he had no interest in wasting precious money on a person he couldn’t rely on.

“What am I going to do? Go around the country? Walk until I find the end of the string? It’s kind of unrealistic.”

“Still…” Jongin looked reluctant to let it go, and Kyungsoo knew why. It wasn’t long since Jongin met his soulmate, a man named Chanyeol who Kyungsoo had yet to meet, and the encounter had done something magic for his best friend. He was happier these days, more bubbly and excitable. Kyungsoo didn’t hear from him as often as he used to, but as much as he loved hanging out with Jongin he was happy for him. He knew Jongin was worried about him because he wanted him to meet his own soulmate. He also knew that, no matter what he said to try and convince him, he wouldn’t stop worrying. That was just the kind of person Jongin was.

“I’m fine, Nini. I promise. I just wish I could get it off.” Kyungsoo frowned at the bright red of the string, but decided to give up so he could eat the pastry in front of him. It was his favorite pastry to order. Indulgently sweet yet with a hint of bitterness, he got it every time they went to the cafe. Kyungsoo closed his eyes with a satisfied sound as he took a bite.

With his eyes closed he couldn’t see Jongin looking at him incredulously. “Get it off? You want to get rid of your only chance at finding your soulmate? I get not wanting to go out of your way to find them, but not wanting to have one is just…”

“I can’t take it off,” Kyungsoo said dismissively, licking some chocolate off his fingers. “Don’t worry.”

“That’s not the point.”

Kyungsoo sighed and put down the bread, picking up his mug. Before he took a sip he said, “Why should I be the one to look for my soulmate? I bet they’re looking for me already. If they haven’t found me by now…” Kyungsoo considered it, then concluded, “They’re just useless.”

Jongin shook his head in defeat. “I don’t understand you. Why choose against being happy?”

Kyungsoo shrugged. Who knew? Or, well, he did know. It wasn’t about choosing against happiness. Wasn’t that the problem itself? Putting so much faith into someone else making you happy… wasn’t that wrong? Even worse was putting so much faith into someone he didn’t even know. Still, he couldn’t say this to Jongin. Because he was happy, and of course there were a lot of people happy with the fact that they had a soulmate. But Kyungsoo had never wanted to be ‘fated’ for someone he’d never met. Love like that felt artificial-- forced.

“I just want you to be happy,” Jongin said, and Kyungsoo smiled.

“I know.”

Falling in love with Jongin had been an accident. Years and years of being friends, and Kyungsoo had known any sort of attraction to him would only be hurting himself, because Jongin had the red string of fate and Kyungsoo didn’t.

It was a secret he’d never told anyone. Some people never met their soulmates, either because they didn’t search or because they couldn’t find them no matter how much they tried. But everyone had a soulmate. Everyone had a string. To not have one was unheard of. Still, Kyungsoo didn’t have one, or more specifically he had one that connected to no one. It hadn’t taken Kyungsoo long to find the other end of his string because it was hardly over a meter long. Over time, what had once been a clean cut was frayed and worn, an exhausted little secret that he kept to himself. Not even Jongin knew. He was too much of a starry-eyed romantic to handle such tragic news, and as Kyungsoo’s best friend would probably mourn the loss more than he ever could. After all, Kyungsoo never cared about his lack of a soulmate. But he’d always thought about how Jongin had one, and how it wasn’t him. That thought alone was enough to convince him it was easier not to care. At one point it had been unbearable; Kyungsoo had avoided Jongin for a full month before Jongin showed up at his window, crying and begging him not to avoid him anymore. And it was that moment that had been one of the most sobering of his life: even if he couldn’t stand it, he would because it was Jongin and he loved him.

Luckily, he was older now. He was okay with loving Jongin at a distance. All he wanted was for Jongin to be happy, and everything would be okay.

Right. He didn’t need a soulmate. Just this was enough.

“You’ll come, right?” Through the phone, Kyungsoo could hear the whine in Jongin’s voice. Most likely he was in his room, lying star-fish on his bed and kicking at the ceiling.

“Jongin…”

“Please? I know you’ll like him. He’s really nice and fun and--”

“Yeah, I’m sure he’s great.”

“It’s a double date. Come on, won’t it be fun? And you can meet Chanyeol, so it’s a win-win!”

Kyungsoo sighed. He’d been climbing the stairs to his apartment, and had only just reached the door. “Okay, fine. But just so you know, I really doubt Chanyeol’s friend will happen to be my soulmate.”

Jongin celebrated for a moment, then said, “I know that already. If you don’t want to find your soulmate, you might as well meet someone you might like. You don’t have to end up with your soulmate, you know.”

Oh, did he ever. Kyungsoo slotted the key into the doorknob and went into his apartment, taking off his shoes. “Yeah, I know.”

“Okay. Downtown Bar. Seven pm sharp. Chanyeol and I can pick you up.”

“No need. I’ll drive there myself. You can have your alone time with your sweetheart--” in spite of himself, Kyungsoo laughed at Jongin’s protests. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Nini.”

“See you.”

When Kyungsoo hung up, he felt exhausted. It was one thing to meet Chanyeol, another to meet Chanyeol’s friend in what wasn’t Jongin’s first attempt at romantically hooking Kyungsoo up. He’d always been a fan of casually introducing Kyungsoo to people under the guise of having him make new friends, but Kyungsoo knew it was because he was trying to find him a partner. Unfortunately, Kyungsoo wasn’t interested. And it made things worse that it was Jongin playing matchmaker of all people, when the only person Kyungsoo was interested in was the matchmaker himself.

It didn’t matter anymore. Kyungsoo dismissed the thought and went to the cabinet to grab some alcohol, wanting to get a little free of his own mind. This wasn’t a habit of his, not really, to get drunk on a Thursday at six in the afternoon, but he had no plans so it seemed a good enough choice as any. 

He was two glasses in when the muffled ring of his phone in between the cushions nearly made him spill on himself. Already annoyed, Kyungsoo followed the noise and retrieved his cellphone, bringing it to his ear. “Yes?”

“Jeez, did I interrupt something?”

Baekhyun. Of course it was Baekhyun. The two of them had met in a regional choir back in high school and became fast friends, though ‘friends’ was a bit of a stretch, if Kyungsoo’s immediate irritation wasn’t evidence enough. Somehow they’d managed to keep in contact despite being practical opposites. Granted, on the days when Baekhyun was a little more calm or Kyungsoo a little more crazy they balanced each other well enough. A tad more sober and Kyungsoo might have even considered their spontaneous late-night talks, remembering the few times when he’d essentially cried to Baekhyun about Jongin, and even told him about his broken red string of fate, but at the moment he was drinking alcohol and he wanted nothing more than to teleport to Baekhyun’s place just so he could hit him over the head for bothering him. 

“Kyungsoo?”

“What?”

He could almost see Baekhyun raising his hands in surrender. “I was just wondering if you were busy tomorrow night, but I guess you don’t want to help a friend in need, so…”

“When is it and what do you need?”

“Six? It’s a dinner date and--”

“Sorry. Can’t. Have something to do with Jongin.” His voice sounded remorseless, even to him. Taking another gulp from his glass, Kyungsoo imagined that he was apologetic. It was pretty hard to picture; he’d never been visually inclined.

“Jongin again?”

“What do you mean, ‘again?’”

Baekhyun made a sound like ‘I don’t know,’ but answered, “Just that. Again. You’re always with Jongin. Don’t you have any other friends?”

“Of course I… Of course I have other friends.” Kyungsoo rubbed his eye. “Why are you asking me for help, anyway? Don’t you have other friends?”

“Because we had a pact to help each other when we need it and I don’t have that pact with anyone else.”

Even tipsy, Kyungsoo was able to feel a little bad. “Isn’t that a given between friends? What kind of friends do you have?”

“Yeah, it’s a given, but we said it out loud so I considered you first. Anyway, if you’re busy, it’s fine. Since it’s Jongin I won’t even bother trying to convince you to help me.”

Since it’s Jongin. Kyungsoo mumbled the phrase back and frowned.

“Because,” Baekhyun explained, probably thinking Kyungsoo was questioning his wording, “you like him more than you like me. So obviously you would choose him over me.”

He wasn’t wrong. But the way he phrased it made Kyungsoo want to deny it, so he did. “That’s not why. It’s because he asked me first.” Then, not wanting to sit on the lie, he asked, “What did you need, anyway?”

“Just someone to go to dinner with me. I don’t want to be the awkward single one, I guess?”

“You wanted me to pretend to be your boyfriend?”

“What? No. You’ve been watching too many romance movies lately.”

“That was one time.”

“Whatever you say, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun sighed, like he was sitting comfortably. “I just wanted, I don’t know, a friend? So at least I’m paired with someone during the dinner.”

Kyungsoo nodded. “I get it.”

“...You do?”

“Yeah. I’m going to a bar with Jongin and his soulmate. And his soulmate’s friend.”

If there was one thing Kyungsoo could say about Baekhyun, it was that his reactions were always satisfying. The noise of disbelief he made made Kyungsoo feel a little better. “Is that why you’re drunk at, like, six on a Thursday?”

“No.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Baekhyun insisted. “You should have called me to come with you. Then I’d have an excuse out of my dinner, and I could meet Jongin, and it would be a win-win.”

“I already told you I don’t want you to meet Jongin.”

“Why again? Because you don’t want me to judge your sad-ass face around him?”

Well, that was one way of putting it. Kyungsoo just hated the idea of having someone who knew his futile crush on Jongin see them together. Then every action would be judged under that knowledge. Kyungsoo wasn’t in the business of exposing himself like that. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”

“I told you already that I wouldn’t judge.”

“You totally would.”

Baekhyun paused. “Okay, yeah, I would. But we’re friends. I wouldn’t judge too hard.”

Kyungsoo leaned back on the couch. It was comfortable, made of that soft kind of material that gave him the impression of being cradled. He wanted to feel stressed about tomorrow, but he couldn’t manage it all of a sudden. “When is it ending tomorrow? And where? If you’re going by taxi I could pick you up.”

Baekhyun scoffed. Both he and Kyungsoo knew that the offer was up only because the two would probably be a pity party by the end of the day. But even though Kyungsoo knew Baekhyun knew this, he still didn’t expect him to say, “Nah, it’s fine. Enjoy third wheeling with the love of your life.”

“He’s not the love of my life,” Kyungsoo said. Not anymore. Now it was more like a muted feeling, but of course Baekhyun wouldn’t understand.

“Whatever. When you’re drunk and depressed at the end of the night, call me. I’ll pick you up.”

“I hate you,” Kyungsoo mumbled because of the first part, but didn’t really mean it because of the second.

“I love you too. Don’t drink too much and try to look presentable.”

He made a noise in half-hearted response and lamented the sound of Baekhyun hanging up.

Of the friends-who-weren’t-Baekhyun-or-Jongin, Kyungsoo had exactly one that he could rely on. Junmyeon, who was slightly older than him and a regular at the bakery/cafe he worked at, came just in time at the near end of store hours to chat while the store was empty. As perceptive as always he sat down, watched Kyungsoo whip up the usual drink (milk tea,) and said, “What’s wrong?”

Kyungsoo grunted. Then, realizing that probably wasn’t a sufficient answer, gathered his thoughts and wiped his hand on his apron. “Well.”

Unlike Baekhyun, Junmyeon didn’t know about his string. Kyungsoo had to be careful with his words, though sometimes he wondered why he didn’t say anything to Junmyeon, who would likely have some sort of answer or way of consoling him. Junmyeon had always been a supporting figure, ever since they met at the university and he’d tutored Kyungsoo in a number of subjects. Caring, kind, and considerate. Though he wasn’t much older than Kyungsoo, he still seemed like a trusted adult-- of course, Kyungsoo was supposed to be an adult, but what did that really mean when he’d spent the afternoon before drinking alone? Adulthood, Kyungsoo had come to realize, was little more than paying taxes and being alone with the added bonus of no curfews at night. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Junmyeon said. Blinking back into the present, Kyungsoo maneuvered his way around the counter and handed Junmyeon his drink. “I just noticed you seemed a little distracted.”

Kyungsoo shook his head. “I had a long night.” Alone. Drinking cheap alcohol.

Junmyeon hummed, examining his face. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Kyungsoo said immediately. He took a towel from the pocket of his apron, beginning to wipe the glass. It was another moment before he asked, “Do you have a soulmate?”

Instantly, Kyungsoo winced. It wasn’t tactful, not that he was known for being tactful, asking about his soulmate in that way. In fact, most people found it rude to be asked that question, since it was often a sore topic for those who were searching for their soulmate to no avail. For people like Junmyeon, who were in relationships, asking about a soulmate was even worse; it put them in the position of having to confirm or deny that their partner was their soulmate, which was incredibly personal. Kyungsoo started to apologize, but Junmyeon interrupted him. “Yes,” he said. “I do. But if you’re asking if I’m in a relationship with my soulmate, the answer is no.”

Kyungsoo stopped cleaning, turning around. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m sure you asked with your problem in mind. And I’m happy with him, even if he isn’t my soulmate.”

Kyungsoo considered that. He was leaning back against the counter, and now he glanced at his right hand, where the red was still wound around his finger. The question that next came out of his mouth was more for himself than for Junmyeon. “Can you be happy without a soulmate?”

Junmyeon was quiet for just long enough that Kyungsoo felt compelled to look at him. He was drinking his tea. “Did you know,” Junmyeon said once he was satisfied, “that there was once a time when people didn’t know who their soulmates were?”

“What?”

“I attended a seminar recently. It was a philosophy class, but it was talking about how historians are beginning to think soulmates didn’t always exist as a concept for us. We used to be incapable of knowing if the person we were with was the one fated for us.”

“That sounds…”

“Awful? I know.” Junmyeon smiled wryly. In actuality, Kyungsoo hadn’t really known what he’d wanted to say, whether it was awful or a dream. “We didn’t know we were fated for someone. Some people lived and died thinking they were meant to be alone.”

Meant to be alone. Suddenly the string on his hand felt heavier.

“But some people were happy,” Junmyeon said. “Even if they weren’t with their soulmate. Even if they didn’t meet them. They were happy with the person they loved, or even happy being alone. Did you know, back then, it wasn’t so unusual for people to choose to be alone? They didn’t feel like they had to search for someone, because it didn’t matter. They didn’t have this.” Junmyeon raised his hand, and though Kyungsoo couldn’t see it, he knew he was referring to his own string. “In today’s society, people meet because of their string, or they leave someone because of their string, or they decide to be alone because of their string. Fate can be comforting, but it can also be limiting.

“I’m sure you know people like that,” Junmyeon continued. “People who loved each other and later left because the person they were with wasn’t their soulmate.”

He did. His own parents were like that, his mother running away to chase her happiness, leaving him and his brother behind. Their father hadn’t been able to explain it. Not to the boy who believed love lasted, and not to the boy whose soulmate didn’t exist. 

“Here’s a question for you: do you think it’s better to know your soulmate or not?”

Kyungsoo shook his head. He’d always told Jongin he didn’t need his soulmate. But maybe it was a lie he told to everyone, himself included, because he knew he didn’t have one. “I’d rather know,” he said softly.

“Then I’m guessing that’s a part of what has you so distracted now.” Junmyeon nodded to himself, then said, “Just know that you don’t have to. You asked earlier if you need a soulmate to be happy. You don’t. Humans have done it before. You can be happy alone. You can be happy with friends or family. And you can love someone who isn’t your soulmate like they are your soulmate. They’ve found diary entries dating centuries ago, you know. And there are some that talk about having found their soulmate, even though the string didn’t even exist for them back then. Love is freer than that. Cheesy, but true.”

At that moment, the door to the shop opened. Kyungsoo glanced at the clock; it was time to close. He was about to tell the person they were closing up when he noticed who it was. 

“Hey, Kyungsoo.” Yixing smiled warmly, holding out a plastic bag. He had that slight accent that Kyungsoo had come to be familiar with, all the times he’d visited looking for Junmyeon. “These are melons. Fifty percent off. I want to give them to you.”

“Um.” Kyungsoo took the bag. “Thank you.”

“You came from the store?” Junmyeon reached for his hand and tugged Yixing closer, holding his hand over his shoulder.

“Yeah. Don’t worry; I saved us some melons too. You told me you were coming here but normally you text once you’re leaving and you didn’t, so…”

“Sorry. I got a little distracted.”

“He was going on a teacher rant,” Kyungsoo contributed, smiling a little. He wasn’t sure why there was a pang in his stomach, but had the feeling that it was something like jealousy. He tried to ignore it. “You can go, Junmyeon. I was going to close up anyway.”

Junmyeon furrowed his brow. “Are you sure? We aren’t in a rush.”

“Yeah. I’m sure.” The nasty feeling subsided, and now Kyungsoo felt empty. “Thanks, Junmyeon.”

He stood, taking his drink with him and holding Yixing’s hand normally now. “I didn’t help, did I?”

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure. “You gave me a lot to think about.”

“Then I guess it’s a success.” 

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes; it was no wonder Junmyeon was studying to be a teacher. 

“See you next week, Soo.” Yixing waved with his free hand. “If you make anything with the melon, give some to Junmyeon so I can try, okay?”

“I will.” Kyungsoo waved too, watched them go. “See you.”

It wasn’t until later, sitting in traffic a block away from the bar, that Kyungsoo considered the off-chance of Baekhyun being Chanyeol’s friend who Jongin wanted him to meet. He’d said dinner, which was what Jongin had invited him to. He’d said he wanted to be paired up with someone, which meant he was with a couple, which Jongin and Chanyeol were. And he’d said the meeting date was six o’clock, which was the exact time given to Kyungsoo and the reason why he’d left his apartment only thirty minutes after he’d arrived there from work, scrambling to get ready lest he be five minutes late. All the evidence added up. It would be crazy, hilarious even, but it made sense, and there were worse people for Kyungsoo to have to “meet.” In fact, if it turned out that that was the case, that Baekhyun was the secret friend Jongin wanted him to talk to at dinner, Kyungsoo would be grateful.

Of course, he wasn’t.

Kyungsoo parked just in time to see Jongin’s text pop up onto his phone screen. Where are you?

Right, because it was 6:02 and Kyungsoo was almost never late. He got out of the car while typing out an I’m here and mentally prepared himself for what was probably going to be the worst experience of his life. As it always was on Fridays, Downtown Bar was full of people. It was a nice bar, with reasonably-volumed music and friendly waiters, and was more of a dinner place than a bar as far as Kyungsoo was concerned. He was friends with the chef actually, a sweet guy named Mingyu who he’d conversed with on a number of occasions over different meals. Kyungsoo knew how to make half the menu thanks to their discussions. And the bar felt a lot like home.

“Kyungsoo! I thought you died on the way here.” Kyungsoo had been making his way through the place when Jongin found him, grabbing his hand. Even just that casual movement made his heart stutter. Kyungsoo gently pulled away.

“I was only five minutes late, Jonginnie.” He looked around the room, but he couldn’t make out anyone who seemed to look at the two of them with familiarity. “You came with Chanyeol, right? Where is he?”

“We were waiting for you. You know I told them you’re a stickler for being on time? So we were all here early but you ended up coming late.” Jongin pouted, glancing behind him. “They’re in the corner. Come on, let’s go meet them.”

He took his hand as if Kyungsoo hadn’t just pulled away and tugged him in the right direction. The knowledge that they would be sitting down for an hour of painful conversation was already making Kyungsoo’s stomach knot up. He was certain his hands were clammy-- he wasn’t meant to meet new people; it wasn’t in his genes. As if sensing this, because of course Jongin knew him that well, he squeezed his hand.

“They’re really nice,” Jongin promised quietly. “I know you guys will get along well.”

Kyungsoo hoped that was true. But even he knew that he wasn’t easy to get along with, even when he was trying. Again, for a brief moment, he wondered if he would be meeting Baekhyun. But when they reached the table and he saw two unfamiliar faces, he felt his heart sink.

Unaware of Kyungsoo’s disappointment, Jongin smiled. “This is my best friend, Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo, this is Chanyeol and Sehun.”

“Hey! I’ve heard a lot about you.” The man named Chanyeol stood, shaking his hand. The strange formality of the act already had Kyungsoo stiffening, but something about Chanyeol’s smile was disarming. “It’s great to finally meet you.”

It was a booth, and of course Jongin went to sit beside Chanyeol. So that left Kyungsoo to sit beside Sehun, who hadn’t stood but only looked on at him with a blank expression.

“It’s great to meet you too,” Kyungsoo said. “Jongin talks about you a lot.”

“Really?” Chanyeol looked embarrassed.

“Kyungsoo!” Jongin’s cheeks were red. Kyungsoo smiled a little.

“Um… it’s nice to meet you,” Kyungsoo’s seatmate said quietly. He was fidgeting with the straw in his drink.

Kyungsoo was about to nod in reply, but seeing as Chanyeol and Jongin were busy chatting away, he decided to say a little more. “Chanyeol dragged you to dinner too?”

“Yeah.” Sehun sniffled, peering up at Kyungsoo. He had to admit he was cute, reminding him almost of a kid despite the fact that he was notably taller than him. Come to think of it, Chanyeol was also taller than him by a lot. Maybe that’s why he was Jongin’s soulmate, thought Kyungsoo bitterly, though it was ridiculous. Because he was taller, and it made more sense to the universe for them to end up together. “I don’t really like going out much, but he wanted me to be here.”

Kyungsoo nodded, sending Jongin half an eye roll when he grinned at the two of them talking. “I’m the same.” He paused, then figured it would be fine to tell him. “Jongin actually wanted to pair the two of us together.”

Sehun perked up. “He did that to you too?”

“I bet they planned this,” Kyungsoo said, finding it kind of humorous all of a sudden. That Sehun had basically gone in the same as Kyungsoo, not really wanting to come but having to because his friend wanted to hook him up.

“Did you give up on finding your soulmate?” Then, realizing he’d been rude, “Sorry… I was just curious.”

Kyungsoo shook his head. It was strange, the way he felt kind of charmed by Sehun’s shyness. Maybe it was because it reminded him of Jongin from before. “No, it’s fine. And I guess you could say that. I just… don’t think I’d be able to find my soulmate.”

“I’m the same way.” Sehun sighed, leaning his cheek against his palm and stirring his drink. “But it’s okay. I’m sure I’ll find them eventually.”

There it was, the optimism of someone with a string. Kyungsoo agreed. “Yeah,” he said. “I’m sure you will.”

Chatter eventually enveloped the group as a waiter came to take their orders. Then their food came and it was just the four of them talking. As much as Kyungsoo had had his reservations about the dinner, he had to admit that Jongin was right. Chanyeol and Sehun were welcoming. He felt more at ease as time went on, though every once in a while he found himself needing to force his gaze away from the couple, the subtle touches and secret smiles twisting his gut. Each time, he would take a bite of food, talk to Sehun, and think about something else, trying not to make it obvious that he was looking at the clock, waiting for dinner to be over so he could go home and forget everything. Though with the amount of alcohol he was consuming, maybe he wouldn’t have to wait until he got home.

The end came quicker than expected. Kyungsoo exchanged the obligatory “nice to meet you”s with Sehun and Chanyeol and smiled at Jongin, hoping the expression was enough to reassure him before he made a mad dash to his car. He didn’t want to see Jongin and Chanyeol any more than he needed to, and that fact was only emphasized when the two exchanged a short kiss as Kyungsoo turned away, making it only a quarter to his car before he felt a hand on his wrist.

Jongin. “Wait, you shouldn’t go home alone. Let me drive.”

Kyungsoo shook him off before he could think about his actions, turning around to see Jongin’s hurt expression. “I’m fine,” he said shortly, then, his mind catching up to his mouth, “I’m okay, Jongin. Go with Chanyeol.”

“You’re drunk. And you’re upset.” Jongin looked like he was going to cry all of a sudden, and Kyungsoo felt a surge of pain at the sight. “Tell me what’s wrong. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Jonginnie. Don’t cry--”

“Stop treating me like a kid!” The outburst made Kyungsoo draw back a little, and somehow the sight made Jongin even more furious. “You really thought I wouldn’t notice? It took me a bit, fine, I was happy talking with everyone but you were upset. And you won’t even tell me why. And I feel like-- tell me why I feel like it’s because of me?”

“Jongin.” It was rare for Kyungsoo to call him by his name. His name was reserved for when he was serious, or when Jongin was like this, because when Jongin wanted to be treated like an adult it meant not calling him by his childhood nickname. His voice was as gentle as he could make it. “Don’t cry because of me. It’s not worth it.”

“So it is because of me. You can’t even tell me it isn’t.”

“It’s because of you,” Kyungsoo said. “But it isn’t your fault.”

Jongin avoided his gaze. Kyungsoo looked at him for a moment and sighed. 

“Go back to Chanyeol, Jongin. He’s waiting for you.” Without waiting for a response this time, Kyungsoo turned around and made for his car. This time, when Jongin took his hand, Kyungsoo felt a spark of annoyance. “Jongin.”

“You’re drunk, hyung.” Hyung. Another rarity. For a moment, Kyungsoo could almost hear his mother’s voice. Look, Kyungsoo. This is Jongin. Jongin, say hi to Kyungsoo hyung.  

“I’m not a child,” Kyungsoo said. His tone was short, but he didn’t shake Jongin off this time; he wasn’t sure he had the energy to. “I know my limits.”

“Then at least tell me what’s wrong,” Jongin begged. “Don’t shut me out. Not like before.”

“You don’t want to know.”

“I do.”

“What if I told you I hated you?” Kyungsoo said. Jongin’s expression fell. “What if I said I’ve hated you for a while, and that’s why I don’t want to tell you? Because you’re too nice and you’ll take it personally, like it’s your fault? What if I said I’m tired of pretending like I don’t hate you? Then what? Would you really want to know that?”

Jongin faltered, grip loosening. “You don’t hate me,” he said, but it was hesitant. Kyungsoo pulled away.

“You’re right, I don’t.” Dizzy. He felt dizzy, then nauseous, like he was going to throw up. But it was too late. He was already saying it before he could stop himself. “I love you.”

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. Not a positive response, that was for sure. He didn’t expect Jongin to say that he loved him too. Not with the way he was so clearly in love with Chanyeol, or at the very least liked him enough to say it to Kyungsoo on several occasions before. No, Kyungsoo knew Jongin didn’t love him the way he wished he did. But knowing that was different from seeing it, Jongin’s expression falling into confusion then apprehension, and Kyungsoo’s heart sinking like it hadn’t expected that in the first place. “Kyungsoo…”

“Don’t follow me,” Kyungsoo said. He turned around, finally feeling like things were breaking down. He’d royally fucked up. And all he could think about was how he wanted to vomit. His phone was out in the midst of the chaos in his head and Jongin wasn’t there to grab his hand again, to stop him from calling the person who was already waiting for him at his car, leaning against it with his head down and looking at the phone that was ringing in his palm. Kyungsoo stopped a meter away and said, as if he were seeing a ghost, “Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun jumped. He looked once more at the ringing phone and pocketed it, and Kyungsoo hung up before the call could connect. “I saw your car,” he said sheepishly. “Who would have thought we were in the same area for our dinner dates, huh?”

“You saw my car?” Kyungsoo looked around at the filled parking lot, then back at him.

“I know it’s crazy. I’m not stalking you, I swear.” Baekhyun grinned. “You know I came here by taxi, right? It must be fate.”

Kyungsoo scoffed at the phrase and took out his keys, tossing them to Baekhyun. “When did you get here, and how much of what just happened did you see?”

“Just a couple of minutes ago, and none,” Baekhyun chirped back. Too easy of an answer to be true, but Kyungsoo decided to believe him because it didn’t really matter. Baekhyun knew too much about him at this point. Why not keep it going?

Baekhyun went around and opened the passenger door for him with flourish and an after you, and Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. “Thanks,” he said.  Baekhyun closed the door behind him.

Entering an empty car alone was always strange. The world felt a little stuffier, every single sound either muffled or too close in his ear. He watched Baekhyun go around the front of the car and buckled in his seatbelt just to fill the silence, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the door when Baekhyun opened the driver’s side. 

“You look like shit,” said Baekhyun plainly, sliding in. Kyungsoo grunted. “Do you have work tomorrow?”

“No.”

“Can I come over then?”

“No.”

Kyungsoo didn’t open his eyes to see Baekhyun’s expression. After a moment of silence, Baekhyun turned on the radio and pulled out of the parking lot, drawing down the driver’s side window so that a cold wind pushed into the car. Early fall, and the nights became like this, chilly and uninviting. It was only now that Kyungsoo was starting to realize it: summer was gone, and now they were in a new season. Maybe it hadn’t sunken in because the leaves were still the same as they’d been. They hadn’t begun to change color to those brilliant reds and yellows and golds that made autumn Kyungsoo’s second favorite season behind winter, so it was more like a colder and drearier version of summer. It was this time, the transition time, that was always the worst.

Baekhyun was singing quietly beneath the sound of the radio. Kyungsoo opened his eyes a bit to look outside and watch the blur of buildings and cars as they passed. The movement made him dizzy, so he closed his eyes again.

His mind kept returning to Jongin’s expression. Shock, pain, worry-- Kyungsoo didn’t want to see it anymore, but he knew he would see it over and over for a long time, in front of the dark every time he shut his eyes. He just wanted to sleep. Baekhyun was still singing, strangely stripped of the annoying parody he was used to, gentle and soft instead. Kyungsoo listened to the words and sighed. Then, somewhere between listening and imagining, Kyungsoo fell asleep.

Kyungsoo is six years old.

He wakes up in his bed, shivering under a layer of cold. Autumn is always like this, so he likes to have an extra blanket, but it’s never enough to fight off the chill in the air. He turns over and looks up out the window, where the leaves are just beginning to turn brown. He is six, and he is just waking up, but he knows the moment he sees the leaves that there is something wrong.

The world is hazy. A fog covers the room. Suddenly he is beside his brother, watching a worn Toyota as it drives away. They hold hands. He can’t see it well, because of all the haze, but his string drips from his brother’s hold and onto the floor, leading out the door beyond his sight. 

“Sometimes,” his father says, “two people who love each other very much have to leave each other.”

Kyungsoo’s string is wound around his fingers like a noose. He brings his other hand there, grabs it. Then--

Kyungsoo woke up covered in three layers of blankets on his bed, still wearing the clothes from last night. His glasses weren’t in their usual place on top of his alarm clock, so he had to feel around a bit before he found them in front of his lamp. Baekhyun must have left them there. Kyungsoo wondered how he got him inside; the keys to the apartment were attached to the car keys, but his apartment was on the third floor. It couldn’t have been easy.

Kyungsoo sighed, plugging his phone into the charger by his bed. It had died sometime while he was asleep, probably. His keys were beside his glasses. He picked them up and stood, putting them on top of the dresser as he went to the bathroom.

There was no note from Baekhyun. Not that a note had been expected; something like that was too much like those one night stand stories, and what had happened last night was far from a one night stand. Kyungsoo wasn’t even sure if he wanted there to be a note. He just knew that waking up like this felt lonely. Maybe it was just because of what had happened yesterday, but a part of him was suddenly wishing he hadn’t told Baekhyun not to come over, because as much as he wanted to lay around moping he knew it would be better for him not to be alone. There was, of course, the possibility that Baekhyun would come anyway, even if Kyungsoo told him not to. It made sense to his personality. A rule breaker, adventure seeker, and underneath it all a caring kind of person who would bring Kyungsoo home even though he was an asshole who chose the love of his life over someone who, in spite of everything, knew the most about him. That thought stopped Kyungsoo for a moment: that Baekhyun knew more about him than Jongin did. It didn’t make sense. Jongin was his best friend, they’d known each other since forever, Baekhyun he’d only known since high school and they didn’t see each other every day like he did Jongin. But Baekhyun knew Kyungsoo’s secrets. He knew he loved Jongin. He knew he didn’t have a soulmate. He’d kept those secrets and didn’t judge him for them, and in fact their friendship had grown stronger because of it.

Nothing made sense. Kyungsoo splashed water on his face, taking in a breath. He couldn’t -- shouldn’t -- hope for Baekhyun to come. It would be a waste of everyone’s time. He was better off staying alone.

Kyungsoo’s head was throbbing. He massaged his temple, making his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. For a moment he had to stop at the sink as the room spun, closing his eyes against the vertigo.

He wasn’t sure he could stomach anything right now. Kyungsoo sat at the counter and put his head down, staring at the half-empty glass of water. Suddenly, he was thinking of the melons he left in the fridge. What could he make with them? Maybe some sort of cupcake, or a pie if he was feeling like putting in effort. He could blend it and make a smoothie; that definitely didn’t take much energy. But it wasn’t exactly the kind of thing he could give to Yixing and Junmyeon.

Later, he told himself, beginning to feel heavy all over again. He’d figure it out later.

Later, as it turned out, meant 8pm with the lights dimmed so it wouldn’t hurt his eyes, reading down a recipe to get the appropriate ingredients. He was a cook at heart. For the most part, if there were ingredients in the fridge, he made his food rather than bought it; it was cheaper that way, and usually tasted better. In the cafe he traded baking weeks with Wendy, experimenting with different recipes. It was always nice to see people enjoying their creations, and Kyungsoo loved his work.

Speaking of his job… Kyungsoo frowned at the melon that was open on the counter, then turned to the sink to wash his hands. Although it was only Saturday, he dreaded the idea of going back to work on Monday, especially if it meant seeing Jongin at some point during it. Jongin had the habit of coming to the cafe after his classes were over. Of course, those afternoon visits had been less frequent after Jongin met Chanyeol, but Kyungsoo had no doubt after last night that he would see him at the cafe.

Kyungsoo tried not to think about it. But when he got to his phone, opening it as he went back to the living room, avoiding everything suddenly seemed like an impossible task.

Thirty missed texts from Jongin. Fourteen missed calls.

Kyungsoo opened the single text from Baekhyun first.

Text me when you wake up. Just so I know you’re alive.

He should have checked his phone first thing when he got up. He was seven hours too late. Still, he texted a single thank you in response and called Wendy to tell her he wouldn’t be coming in this week and to ask her to take over.

“Oh, okay. Sure, no problem. You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks, Wendy.”

“You’re welcome. Everyone needs a break every now and then, so don’t worry.”

She was right. Kyungsoo barely took breaks from work, not that he ever felt the need to. The cafe was quiet for the most part, with its customers mostly being comprised of the regulars who knew of its existence where it was hidden amongst the bigger stores. It wasn’t open for crazy hours of the day, either, so all in all working there wasn’t hard. But Wendy was right: it was good to take a break, and as he hung up Kyungsoo realized how much he needed one. His mind was bogged down with too much right now. To take some time to himself was probably the best thing he could do.

Kyungsoo had been pacing a bit while he was on the phone with Wendy, but now he was standing in front of the door to his apartment. His phone was still in his hand. The sound he heard wasn’t coming from his phone.

Knocking. Kyungsoo tensed. He could feel it, the impending doom of Jongin being behind the door. Of course he would come. Thirty texts and fourteen missed calls, it was a wonder that he didn’t come earlier. Kyungsoo didn’t want to see him. But he couldn’t leave him outside, so he went to the door and unlocked it, turning the knob to find someone else.

“Hey,” Baekhyun said, peering over Kyungsoo’s shoulder. It was probably strange to see the lights dimmed behind him, like no one was home. “You didn’t text me back.”

“I just saw it,” Kyungsoo said. 

“Oh.” Baekhyun was holding a plastic bag. He cleared his throat. “Well, can I come in?”

“Didn’t I tell you not to come?”

“But aren’t you glad I came anyway?”

The two of them stared at each other for a moment before Kyungsoo stepped aside, letting him in. 

Baekhyun laughed a little. “I knew it.”

“You definitely saw everything that happened yesterday.”

“I didn’t. I wasn’t lying that time. I saw you coming out of the restaurant and then I saw someone stop you so I stopped watching.”

Kyungsoo locked the door and went to the kitchen, where Baekhyun was putting the plastic bag on the counter. “That was Jongin.”

Baekhyun nodded. He didn’t seem surprised.

Kyungsoo watched him take the contents of the plastic bag out: Chinese takeout food, by the looks of it, with fortune cookies to boot. “I wasn’t good at hiding my feelings.”

“Are you ever?” He said it as a joke, but Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if it was.

“I told him I loved him.”

That stopped Baekhyun in his unpacking. He seemed to consider that, glancing at Kyungsoo for a moment, then put the plastic bag to the side. “Do you want plates, or do you want to just eat out of the container?”

“I don’t want to clean dishes.”

Baekhyun nodded and opened the styrofoam, picking up a pair of chopsticks to pass to Kyungsoo. He went to the other side of the counter and sat. For a little bit the two of them just ate, and Kyungsoo couldn’t help but breath out a laugh at how ridiculous they must look.

Baekhyun looked up and smiled. “What?”

“We’re like a bunch of broke college kids eating Chinese takeout in the dark out of the container.”

“Aren’t we broke college kids?”

“Not me.”

“Right, you decided not to go and saved yourself from debt. I’m proud.” The two of them exchanged a smile. Baekhyun brought some of the noodles to his mouth but didn’t eat them until after he said, “Do you regret it?”

“What?”

“Not going to college.”

Kyungsoo thought about it, but he didn’t really need to. “No,” he said. “I don’t.” Maybe he would be led to wonder if it was the right choice every once in a while, but he didn’t regret it. He was happy the way things were.

“Sometimes I’m jealous of how you seem to have your life figured out,” Baekhyun said. “I’m still studying and I’m not even sure what I want to do. But you’re already settled into your life. You always seem really sure of yourself and I just wish I was like that.”

Did he? Kyungsoo hadn’t thought he was someone to admire. It wasn’t that he had things figured out. It was just that he had no vision for where he wanted to go in the future. “You have time to find your passion,” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun shuddered. “Don’t say that; you sound like an old man.”

“Shut up. You’re older than me.”

“By, what, eight months?”

“That’s almost a year.”

Baekhyun waved his hand as if to say, whatever. He reached over to grab one of the two cans of soda on the counter, opening it.

“I’m jealous of you, too,” Kyungsoo said. Somehow his words seemed to catch Baekhyun off-guard. Though it should have been obvious by now. “You’re really smart. There’s a reason why I decided not to go to college, you know. I’m not like you. I don’t get things as quickly. And I’m not good at talking to other people, not like how you are.”

“Going to college isn’t about being smart. It’s about working hard.” Baekhyun smiled. “You could do anything you wanted to.”

Something about his words made Kyungsoo’s chest tighten. Maybe it was the way he said it, so simply like he believed it. Or maybe it was the fact that Kyungsoo himself didn’t, suddenly finding himself staring at the string that he’d unknowingly been scratching at since he’d started speaking. “Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo said. “Jongin doesn’t love me.”

“I know,” Baekhyun said.

The corner of Kyungsoo’s lips turned upward, though nothing was funny. “I thought you were going to say something encouraging.”

“Did you want me to?”

“No.” Kyungsoo’s chest hurt. He wanted to breathe but it didn’t feel right, like there was something tightening, tightening. “I knew it too. I don’t know why I told him. I wasn’t going to.”

“It’s okay.”

“He isn’t even going to hate me,” Kyungsoo said, finally lifting his gaze to look at Baekhyun. Baekhyun’s gaze was steady against his own. “I wish he would just hate me. I don’t want to see him anymore. But I know he’s going to want to talk about it, and make up, but there’s nothing to make up and he won’t get it. He can’t fix something that isn’t his fault.” The string, or his soulmate, or the fact that he didn’t love Kyungsoo like Kyungsoo loved him. Any of it. He couldn’t fix any of it.

Kyungsoo jumped a bit when Baekhyun’s hand grabbed his. Baekhyun caressed the finger he had been picking at, the movement warm over the red of his skin. Kyungsoo blinked the beginnings of tears out of his eyes and looked at him, the way his brow was slightly furrowed and his attention set on the marks on his finger. For a moment, Kyungsoo thought he was looking at his string. Then Baekhyun said, “Why do you do this to yourself?” and Kyungsoo ached from the concern in his voice.

“It won’t come off,” he said bitterly. “I can’t take it off.”

Baekhyun was still smoothing his thumb over his finger, as if the movement would remove the scars. “Why would you want to?”

“I--” Ring! The doorbell. Kyungsoo felt a surge of panic.

“I’ll go see who it is,” Baekhyun said. Before Kyungsoo’s mind could catch up for him to stop him, Baekhyun was already standing, letting go of his hand.

Jongin. It had to be. Kyungsoo fidgeted in his seat and listened to Baekhyun open the door. He couldn’t make out any of the conversation, but he didn’t want to get up to join it, not until he heard Baekhyun’s voice rise.

“...clear he doesn’t want to see you.” 

Kyungsoo stood. He left the kitchen to see Baekhyun in front of the door, Jongin on the other side, the both of them poised as if to fight. 

“You get it, right?” Baekhyun hadn’t noticed him coming from behind. “So just leave, and--”

Jongin’s eyes settled on Kyungsoo, and his anger immediately disappeared. “Kyungsoo, why didn’t you answer my calls? I was really worried.”

Baekhyun huffed in exasperation. “Isn’t it obvious? He didn’t want to talk.”

“That’s not true,” Jongin said, watching him. He seemed to be trying to convince himself, and it was that expression that made Kyungsoo protective.

“Why can’t you just give him a couple of days rather than just barge in here and--”

“Baekhyun. Enough.”

Baekhyun shut his mouth instantly, turning to him. He searched his face. Then he laughed a bit and nodded. “Yeah, okay. I get it. I’ll just leave, then, so you can talk to the love of your life as always.” It was a biting comment, the last of it said quickly as if he were trying to take it back, but he walked past Jongin without apology and disappeared from Kyungsoo’s sight. For a moment, Kyungsoo wanted to call him back. But Jongin stepped inside and it was forgotten as he pulled him into a hug.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin said. His voice was muffled into his shoulder.

“Why?”

“Because. I should have noticed. I wouldn’t have talked about Chanyeol so much if I knew. And I wouldn’t have asked you to come meet him. And… I don’t know who that guy was, and I kind of don’t like him, but he was right. I should have given you time.”

Kyungsoo didn’t hug him back. He wasn’t going to, or so he thought, but his hands were already coming up to reciprocate. “You shouldn’t apologize.”

“I should have answered you more clearly, hyung.”

Please don’t. Kyungsoo shut his eyes. He just wanted things to stay like this. Warm and in Jongin’s arms, pretending like he didn’t know the answer already.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“I love you, but not the same way.”

“I know that.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No.”

“Do you hate me?”

“A little.” Kyungsoo pulled back and laughed at Jongin’s worried expression, even though he wanted to cry himself. He flicked Jongin lightly on the forehead. “Why would I hate you, stupid?”

“I don’t know,” Jongin whined. “You ignored all my calls and texts.”

“Because I was busy.”

“Doing what?”

Kyungsoo gestured behind him, although the kitchen was out of sight from where they were standing. “Yixing gave me melons.”

“Melons?”

“They were on sale. He wanted me to make something out of them for him and Junmyeon, but I couldn’t figure out what to make and… Why are you laughing?”

“It’s just funny. And really like Yixing.”

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo smiled a little.

“But you’re lying.”

“I’m not. The melon is on the table.”

“You’ve always been busy baking. But you still answer my calls.”

He was right. Kyungsoo always made time for Jongin, no matter what he was doing. It was a force of habit, to drop everything for him. It might have even been more of an older-brother kind of thing in the beginning, but now that Jongin was saying it he realized how terrible it was. He loved Jongin, of course. But he’d let muffins burn and food boil over for him, and maybe that was too much.

“I was drunk last night,” Kyungsoo said. “I woke up and my head hurt, and I didn’t look at my phone.” Jongin opened his mouth, but Kyungsoo cut in. “I didn’t want to talk to you,” he admitted. “I didn’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“I do.” Kyungsoo thought maybe his expression was collapsing, but he pushed through. “I’m sorry. I’ve kept things from you. And I don’t think I’m ready to say all of it, but you already know half of it. I’m sorry I ruined dinner last night. I’m sorry I probably ruined your entire night.”

Jongin shook his head. “You could never.”

What a liar. Jongin had always been like that, too kind for his own good. Kyungsoo smiled anyway.

“So are we… okay?” Jongin backtracked. “I mean, I know you need time. I’ll wait. I just… I’m just worried about my best friend.”

The pain in his chest came only for a moment. Then Kyungsoo was able to nod his head. “Of course we’re okay.”

Jongin breathed out a sigh of relief, then fidgeted. Rolling his eyes, Kyungsoo laughed and held out his arms. Jongin beamed. “I really love you, Kyungsoo,” Jongin said. He hugged him tight.

“I love you too.” Kyungsoo breathed out. Then he pulled away. “I have to find Baekhyun.”

Jongin furrowed his brow. “Baekhyun? Oh, you mean that rude guy.”

“He’s not rude. He was just worried about me.”

“Hyung… do you think he likes you?”

Kyungsoo blinked. “What?”

“I don’t know, it just seemed like it.”

“He doesn’t.” But why was his heart beating faster? Kyungsoo shook his head. “If you’re saying this because you just rejected me, I’m fine. You don’t have to pair me up with him.”

“No, I’m serious.” Jongin chewed on his lip. “He just reminds me of... of Chanyeol. Sorry,” Jongin said quickly. “I just mean that he seems like he really cares about you. This is the first time I’ve met him though? Since when did you get so close to him? I saw him at the parking lot too.”

“Back in high school. When I made it into the regional choir. You two just never had the chance to meet.” A white lie. Good enough for Jongin to believe, except he looked even more surprised.

“That long? But you’ve never… actually, I think I remember you mentioning him once, but that’s it.”

Kyungsoo shrugged. “I never had the reason to talk about him. Anyway, he left pretty upset. I’m going to go find him.”

“Okay.” Kyungsoo felt a little bad, kicking Jongin out, but at the same time the prospect of him leaving gave him relief. “Um… tell him I’m sorry? He was right. And he was only trying to protect you.”

Protect me? “... I will. Drive safely.”

He watched Jongin leave down the hall until he disappeared, then leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, finally feeling the full force of everything. It was over. As if there was something to begin with. He should be grateful he hadn’t lost their friendship, but at the moment he was mourning the loss of something else, that futile hope he hadn’t known even existed until the moment it was taken away. 

He felt like collapsing. The door was still open, but he nearly did until he thought about Baekhyun and suddenly wanted to know where he was. There was still a pressure in his chest, but he ignored it and went to his phone. Baekhyun picked up four rings later.

“... Hey.”

“Hey.” Kyungsoo hesitated. “I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“I didn’t mean to make it seem like I was picking Jongin over you. I wasn’t.”

“It’s fine. I’m used to it.”

“Shut up. I’m serious: It wasn’t like that. I care about you too, you know.”

There was no response for a moment. “I’m sorry I got angry. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you like that.”

“Jongin told me to tell you he’s sorry too.”

Baekhyun scoffed. “Of course he did. It’s impossible to hate him, isn’t it?”

Yeah, it was. Kyungsoo hated that about him. “Where are you?”

“I was outside for a walk, but I’m coming up now. I’m fucking freezing.”

Kyungsoo laughed. “That’s what you get for going out without grabbing your jacket.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I’m hungry too. You know he came in the middle of dinner, right? I didn’t eat before I came here.”

Something about the grumpiness in his voice made Kyungsoo want to coddle him, which was a strange feeling that seemed to come out of nowhere. “The noodles are probably cold now,” he said.

“I take it back. It is possible to hate him.”

Kyungsoo was laughing again, but this time the laughter was cut short by Baekhyun’s appearance in the doorway, looking just as peeved and pouty as he’d sounded. 

“Hey,” Baekhyun said finally, expression softening.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo echoed.

“So he left?”

“Yeah.” 

Baekhyun stepped inside, closing the door behind him. “And?”

“And what?”

“How do you feel, duh.”

“Like crying,” Kyungsoo said. It was a surprise, how easily he admitted it. Then the words slipped out, surprising him again: “Also like not being alone.”

Baekhyun smiled. “Is that an invitation?”

“No,” Kyungsoo said. Baekhyun’s expression shifted, but before Kyungsoo could understand it he found himself saying, “It’s a request.”

Baekhyun looked at him for a long moment. Then he stepped in and put his arms around him, and Kyungsoo was struck by the familiarity of the movement, like it was Jongin all over again-- except it wasn’t. Hugging Baekhyun was different from hugging Jongin. He wasn’t as tall as Jongin was, and Kyungsoo didn’t have to reach to put his chin on his shoulder. He didn’t envelope Kyungsoo the way that Jongin did. He wrapped his arms around him like he was holding him instead, not as all-consuming the way Kyungsoo was used to but gentler. It was still warm like this. Yet the familiarity disappeared in another moment, and Kyungsoo felt that unfamiliar spark in his stomach, his heartbeat louder in his chest. 

He felt confused. Sad, lonely, like he’d lost something, but also alive in Baekhyun’s arms, every part of his body aware of every touch and outward breath. He wasn’t sure why. It was probably just the fact that Jongin had just left, and he was still coming to terms with it, but he also felt like it might be because…

“You can cry,” Baekhyun said softly, before he could understand it. “It’s okay.”

Kyungsoo’s chest ached. He wondered why Baekhyun was so nice to him, even though he didn’t deserve it. He shook his head, but already his eyes were watering, and he was sure Baekhyun could feel the tears against his neck. 

“Can I stay?”

He wasn’t sure what Baekhyun was asking. If he could stay late tonight, or stay until the morning. Still, Kyungsoo didn’t let go and answered, “Yes.”