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Claire was the first person to see the Impala pull into the driveway.
She had been concerned when Jody told her that Dean was coming. It was unusual for either of the Winchesters to come around for anything other than a case or some other serious matter.
“Hey, Claire, um… Dean is coming around later,” Jody had said, her voice hesitant and wavering slightly. Her tone of voice alone was enough to set Claire on edge.
“What? Why? Is there a case or something? Is something wrong?”
Jody seemed to struggle to respond. She held her mouth open for a few seconds, trying to figure out what to tell Claire. There was a panic behind her eyes that did nothing to ease Claire’s anxiety. Finally, she sighed, saying, “He’ll be here in about an hour.”
Claire had sat at her bedroom window, stone still, waiting for that oh-so-familiar car to pull up to her house since Jody had told her Dean was coming. Kaia had tried to talk her down, telling her that sitting and worrying about what Dean was coming for wasn’t going to do any good, but, of course, that did nothing to diminish the pit in her stomach and the overwhelming feeling of dread in her bones. Eventually Kaia left the room, kissing Claire’s knuckles as she went, leaving her with her thoughts and anxieties.
She watched as the Impala pulled into her driveway, the wheels kicking up gravel as it came to a stop. She watched Dean step out, and she saw him pause, staring at the house and inhaling sharply before shaking his head and walking towards the front door.
Claire didn’t come out of her room. She didn’t want to let anyone know that she had been waiting by the window for an hour, or show how panicked she was. There was a knock on the door and she heard the creaking hinges as Jody swung it open saying, “Dean, hey, sweetie.”
“Hey, Jody.” There was a false cheerfulness to his voice that Claire knew all too well, herself having used that same tone hundreds of times.
“How’re you holding up?” Jody asked. Holding up? Something bad had happened, Claire was sure of it now.
Dean’s voice came out small, sounding like it was teetering on the edge of shattering. “I’m… well, y’know.” He let out a chuckle that seemed like it was one second away from turning into a sob.
“Yeah, I know. Should I get Claire?”
“Y-yeah, sure.” Dean’s voice was shaking. Why was his voice shaking?
She listened to Jody’s footsteps padding quietly down the hall. She paused at Claire’s door, and Claire could imagine her standing there, her hand poised ready to knock, but not being able to bring herself to.
Finally, she rapped lightly on the door, saying, “Claire? Dean’s here.”
Dean was sitting on the couch when Claire walked into the living room, fiddling with a bracelet he was wearing around his wrist. His hands looked like they were shaking slightly.
“Hey, Dean,” Claire said, trying to keep her voice as steady and light as possible. She didn’t think it was working.
His head shot up so fast it made Claire’s heart skip a beat. His breath stuttered before he said, “Hi, Claire.” It was almost a whisper.
She tried to ask how he was, what he had come for, but she couldn’t form the words. She just took a seat on a chair opposite the couch and tried to keep her breath even, Jody sitting next to Dean on the couch. Dean couldn’t seem to look Claire in the eye.
“So, um… Good news or bad news first?” Dean asked, letting out a breathy laugh and a half smile that looked like it hurt to put on.
“Why don’t you start with good news?” Jody suggested. She was using her “walking on eggshells” voice, a voice she had used more than enough times with Claire for her to be able to recognize it instantly.
“Yeah, okay. So, we defeated Chuck. We don’t gotta worry about him controlling us anymore, so… And Jack is God now.”
“Jack is what now?” Claire blurted out, momentarily forgetting her anxiety.
“Yeah, uh… it’s a long story. But, point is, it’s all over. We don’t- we don’t have to worry anymore.”
This was good news, great news even, and yet Dean wouldn’t even look them in the eye. There was silence for a few moments. It was oppressive.
“What’s the bad news, Dean?” Claire asked. Her voice came out higher than she meant it to, and it shook on his name.
“So, uh,” Dean let out the same laugh and smile he had when he asked whether they wanted the good news or bad news, but his face crumpled almost immediately after.
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” he said, looking her in the eyes for the first time since he had arrived. His eyes were pleading, begging for some reassurance or relief that no one could give him.
“Just tell me, Dean.”
A beat. “Cas is dead.”
The words didn’t register at first. It was just a sentence in Claire’s mind, as inconsequential as a simple, “We’re having dinner at six,” or, “I took down a nest of vamps today.”
“What?” she got out after five seconds of heavy silence.
“He- he died saving me. It happened a few days ago and I should’ve told you sooner but so much was going on at the time and then after everything went down I didn’t think to call and then I figured it would be better if I told you in person and-” he cut himself off. He was dancing around the point and he knew it, and he seemed to be struggling to breathe steadily. Jody put a hand on his back.
The words “Cas is dead” were only just beginning to register in Claire’s mind. She felt her breath catch in her throat.
Dean was finally able to continue, and he said, much slower this time, “I just… I wanted to be the one to tell you. You- you asked me, a few years ago, to watch out for him, make sure he was okay. It was just one thing. One goddamn thing you asked me to do, and- and I couldn’t do it. I fucked it up, Claire,” his voice broke on her name. “I fucked it up, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Claire was silent for what couldn’t have been more than ten seconds, but it felt like minutes. Her ears were ringing and her hands were shaking and it was too hot, like the thermostat had just gone up ten degrees in a matter of seconds. She looked at Dean staring at the floor, elbows on his knees. A tear rolled off the tip of his nose and fell onto the carpet.
She couldn’t be here right now. She couldn’t sit in this room and talk about Cas if he was… She couldn’t even think about it.
“I have to go,” Claire said, her voice surprisingly steady for the amount her hands were shaking. She got up from the chair and headed toward the front door without a second look at Jody or Dean.
“Claire, wait-” was all she heard from Dean, his voice thick with emotion, before she grabbed the car keys from the table beside the door and slammed it behind her.
Claire didn’t even register what she was doing until she was already backing out of the driveway. I probably shouldn’t be driving right now she thought absently, but she didn’t care. It didn’t matter. Not right now.
She didn’t know how long she drove in silence for, the words Cas is dead ringing in her ears. Cas. Castiel. The same Castiel who she had hated for years and blamed for her father’s death and who she had grown to love like one, gone. Forever.
After what couldn’t have been more than thirty minutes she pulled off the road to a lookout point, her eyes stinging and her chest tight.
She stepped out of the car and went to sit on the ground at the edge of the lookout point, sliding her legs under the fence that kept people away from the edge and dangling her legs over the side. The cliff looked out on a huge expanse of forest, the tops of green trees just spreading for miles and miles. Luckily, the spot was empty aside from herself. She let herself cry.
And she thought about Castiel.
She thought about how he had been around long enough to watch this entire forest grow from nothing into towering trees that covered miles of ground. He had watched hundreds of forests like these grow and get torn down, had seen mountains and canyons form over thousands of years, had seen species evolve and grow and go extinct for millenia. And now he was gone. He would never see anything again.
She thought about her dad. Or, rather, the fact that Castiel wasn’t her dad.
She thought about his eyes. Castiel and Jimmy had the same bright blue irises that were almost unnatural, the same hooded eyelids, the same long eyelashes. At first glance, they were entirely the same. But there was a sadness behind Castiel’s eyes that was never behind her dad’s. The kind of sadness that comes from watching millions of years of horrific events; wars, plagues, famine. She recognized some of the sadness in his eyes in her own, too. The type of sadness that comes from feeling like you don’t belong, and you never really will anywhere.
But there was a hopefulness in his eyes, too. Hope for what, Claire didn’t know, but she knew it made her feel hopeful for something as well. And now she would never see them again.
She thought about his smile. Cas’s smile was nothing like her dad’s. Jimmy’s was big and lit up his entire face and was almost haughty at times. It was a good smile. Cas’s was hesitant, like if he let himself be happy for even a second the world would come crashing down. It was rare to see and never stayed for long, but it was endearing in a way that was surprising for a hundred million year old celestial being. She would never see his smile again either.
“Castiel?” Claire said to the open air. She didn’t know what she was doing until she had started speaking, and she knew Cas probably couldn’t hear her, wherever he was, but she needed to talk to him. Just one more time.
“Cas? I don’t know if you can hear me, I don’t think you can, but- I just need to- I just need to say goodbye to you and this is the only way I have to do that,” she choked back a sob before continuing. “I haven’t done this since I was like, eleven, so, sorry if this is shitty.”
“I just need you to know how thankful I was for you. Am. You- I know you felt really guilty for a long time about what happened to my dad, and I did hate you for it, for a long time, but… I need you to know that I forgive you. I don’t think I ever said that to you, at least out loud, and maybe it went unspoken or something, but I- I forgive you. And... you could never have replaced what I lost, but you- I got you, and I feel so thankful that I got to know you and have you in my life, because you’re actually kinda awesome,” she let out a short laugh. “And the way everything went down sucked, and I wish my dad didn’t have to die but… I guess you were the next best thing. I- I love you, Cas. I’m sorry I never said that to you in person, and I’m sorry I didn’t stay more in touch with you these past few years, and I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. And I’m sorry that I never got to say goodbye.”
Claire sat in silence for a few seconds, just letting her tears stream down her cheeks and fall to the ground.
Finally, she said, “Yeah, um… I think that’s it. Goodbye, Cas.”
Claire felt calmer, now. Even though she knew that Cas probably couldn’t hear prayers wherever he was, she had gotten to say goodbye the best way she knew how. It was enough, for now.
I need to go home, she thought. She had to talk to Dean.
Dean would help her work through this. His relationship with Cas was complicated, like hers, but he also loved Cas in a way that surprised her, and she knew he would understand how she was feeling. And she would help him. They would help each other.
She got back into the car and started her drive back to Sioux Falls.
Four days later, Claire gets a phone call.
Dean Winchester is dead.