Work Text:
COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT OF "HRH Prince Henry and FSOTUS ACD Answer the Web's Most Searched Questions | WIRED" (2021) © Wired Media (Condé Nast Entertainment)
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3
MID-SHOT, CAMERA A
HRH PRINCE HENRY OF WALES is sitting on the left. FSOTUS ALEX CLAREMONT-DIAZ is sitting on the right. HENRY is dressed in smart-casual attire—a tailored, dark maroon blazer and a pale gold shirt inside with the top two buttons, unbuttoned. His blond hair is impeccably styled.
ALEX is wearing a dark blue bomber jacket with golden embroidery at the sleeves. The jacket is rolled up to his elbows. He wears a tight, well-fitting, pale blue henley shirt underneath with the top two buttons undone. His dark brown, curly hair frames his face well.
HENRY and ALEX are seen getting settled atop their respective stools and sharing a laugh.
HENRY
I can't believe you're making me do this.
ALEX
Relax, sweetheart, it's for a good cause.
(to camera)
Let's put on a goddamn show.
JUMP CUT TO [CLOSE-UP, CAMERA B]
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (cont'd)
CLOSE-UP, CAMERA B
HENRY
Hi, I'm Prince Henry.
JUMP CUT TO [CLOSE-UP, CAMERA C]
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (cont'd)
CLOSE-UP, CAMERA C
ALEX
And I'm Alex Claremont-Diaz.
JUMP CUT TO [MID-SHOT, CAMERA A]
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (cont'd)
MID-SHOT, CAMERA A
HENRY & ALEX, TOGETHER
And we're doing the WIRED Autocomplete Interview.
JUMP CUT TO 'AUTOCOMPLETE OBB'
INT. TITLE CARD
TITLE CARD reads "Autocomplete suggests the most common searches on the Internet"
JUMP CUT TO CAMERA A
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (cont'd)
MID-SHOT, CAMERA A
A staffer hands ALEX the first set of questions for HENRY. ALEX receives it with a grin. HENRY looks at the massive card and shakes his head.
HENRY
(laughing)
What are we doing—why are we doing this?
(to camera B)
This isn't live, right?
ALEX
(laughing)
The people want to know!
JUMP CUT TO 'TITLE CARD 002'
INT. TITLE CARD
TITLE CARD reads "So WIRED asked HRH Prince Henry of Wales and FSOTUS Alex Claremont-Diaz some of the Internet's burning questions."
JUMP CUT TO CAMERA A
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (cont'd)
MID-SHOT, CAMERA A
ALEX holds the card in this hands. The questions begin with "What is Prince Henry..." and HENRY takes off the first scrap of paper.
HENRY
(reading)
"What is Prince Henry... doing now"
(to camera A)
This interview.
HENRY scoffs and throws away the paper.
HENRY (cont'd)
I'm joking. I hate that cop-out answer from people on these—
ALEX
(to Henry)
Yeah, it's like—you've seen this thing before. Don't pretend you haven't—I mean, can't you come up with something else?
HENRY
Well, if you must know, I'm currently trying to do the work necessary to help expand the Okonjo Foundation Youth Shelters for LGBTQ+ youths under the age of 25. Our headquarters are in New York, so I have been... spending quite a fair amount more time here on this side of the pond.
ALEX
You mean, you didn't just move your whole life over for me?
HENRY shakes his head.
HENRY
(to Alex, with a smile)
You're insufferable.
HENRY reaches over to rip off another part of the card. As he does this, he reads aloud.
HENRY
(reading)
"What is Prince Henry... 's full name?"
(to camera A)
It's 'His Royal Highness Henry George Edward James Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor'.
ALEX
(to Henry)
Wait... the 'His Royal Highness' is part of your name? Is your first name 'His'?
HENRY
It's... my title. It's part of it—it's on the birth certificate.
ALEX
So, what you're saying is, your first name is legally His?
HENRY
Please don't start calling me His.
ALEX
I would never call you that, I'd call you mine.
HENRY loudly guffaws, chokes, and turns bright red. ALEX only grins widely to CAMERA A, entirely too pleased with himself.
HENRY
You're a bloody menace.
ALEX
Just giving the people what they want, baby!
HENRY shakes his head and rips off the third strip of paper and reads the question aloud.
HENRY
Oh, this one's a bit different...
(reading)
"How much is Prince Henry worth?"
(to Alex)
Good Lord, that's dark—
ALEX
(to camera A)
Everything. He's worth everything.
HENRY'S ears have gotten even redder and he scratches the back of his neck.
HENRY
Yeah, alright, that's enough of that.
ALEX
(to camera A)
But also, about, like, $50 million dollars that's not connected to the Royal Family.
HENRY makes a face and makes a shaking gesture with his hand.
HENRY
(to Alex)
More like 30-35. My father, he, y'know—made a lot of films.
ALEX
The fuck have you spent $15 million dollars on?
HENRY
I was never worth $50 million.
ALEX
Mmmhm. Sure.
HENRY rips off the fourth question and reads it.
HENRY
(reading)
"What is Prince Henry... 's email address"
HENRY sighs and grumbles.
ALEX
(to camera A)
We don't actually send emails anymore.
HENRY
(to Alex)
Yeah, we just employ carrier pigeons now.
ALEX
(to Henry)
No, no—that can still be intercepted. Morse code?
HENRY
Smoke signals?
ALEX
Long-distance telepathy? You know, just, fuckin' Cerebro that shit?
HENRY
(to camera A)
Funnily enough, I do have Sir Ian McKellen's email address somewhere.
ALEX laughs and HENRY rips off the last question on the first card.
HENRY
(reading)
"What is Prince Henry... height"
(to camera A)
I'm six feet tall.
ALEX
And he wears a little heel in his shoes a lot, okay? So don't get any ideas.
ALEX throws the card away haphazardly while HENRY chuckles. HENRY is handed another card by an off-screen staffer. The questions begin with 'Is Alex Claremont-Diaz...?'
ALEX rips off the first covering and reads the question.
ALEX
(reading)
"Is Alex Claremont-Diaz... gay"
(to camera A)
Famously bisexual, thank you very much.
HENRY
(to Alex)
People still have to Google that?
ALEX
(to Henry)
I mean, there are people who exist outside of the United States and the UK, sweetheart. Let 'em Google.
ALEX rips off the second question.
ALEX
(reading)
"Is Alex Claremont-Diaz... a democrat?"
ALEX wheezes as he crumples the paper and throws it to the side.
ALEX (cont'd)
Hell yeah!
ALEX reaches over to HENRY and strips off the third question.
ALEX
(reading)
"Is Alex Claremont-Diaz... nice"
(to camera A)
Awww! I hope I am!
HENRY
(to camera B)
He's not.
JUMP CUT TO CAMERA B
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (CONT'D)
EXTREME CLOSE UP, CAMERA B
HENRY (cont'd)
He's a menace to society.
JUMP CUT TO CAMERA A
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (CONT'D)
MID-SHOT, CAMERA A
ALEX is making a face at HENRY and narrows his eyes.
ALEX
(to Henry)
Factually incorrect, Your Highness.
ALEX points a finger to CAMERA A and looks directly into the lens.
ALEX
I am a delight!
(to Henry, still pointing)
Such a national fucking treasure, I have an irrational fear of Nicolas Cage. Get your act together, sweetheart.
HENRY nearly doubles over with laugher, still holding on to the card. ALEX rips off the next question but as he does so, he speaks to camera.
ALEX
I just want it known, on the record, that that was a joke. Mr Cage, sir, I cherish you.
(reading)
"Is Alex Claremont-Diaz... vegan"
(to camera A)
Nah. I'm not. But respect to the people who are. And, of course, we should reduce meat consumption in general. Well balanced diet, the whole thing, if you can. Stay healthy out there. But y'know. There. I'm not vegan.
ALEX rips off the fifth and final question on the first card.
ALEX
(reading)
"Is Alex Claremont-Diaz... on AO3?"
ALEX chokes back a laugh.
HENRY
(to camera A)
He does. He is.
ALEX
(to Henry)
I do, I do, yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY
He reads them out loud, sometimes. He absolutely knows the fanfictions.
ALEX
I mean, I don't write anything, I don't even leave comments—it's just there for bookmarks.
HENRY
Or does he?
ALEX
Oooooooooh! And on that note!
HENRY hands an off-screen staffer the card while ALEX, on the other end, receives another card. These questions start with "Does Prince Henry..."
HENRY rips off the first question's covering and reads it aloud.
HENRY
(reading)
"Does Prince Henry... speak Welsh?"
(to camera A)
Ydw, i ddweud y gwir.
ALEX
(to Henry)
Can you say the thing?
HENRY sighs, exasperated, but his lips still curve to a smile.
HENRY
(to Alex)
Why must you keep doing this to me?
ALEX
'Cause it's sexy, baby, come on.
HENRY sighs.
HENRY
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
ALEX
Yeaaaaaah!
(to camera A)
You're welcome, Internet.
HENRY rips out the second question on the card.
HENRY
(reading)
"Does Prince Henry... lift?"
ALEX
(to Henry, in an accent)
Duuuuude, d'you even lift, b'ruh?
HENRY
Wha-I-... what would I lift?
ALEX
Like weight. Like how much do you benchpress. It's a workout thing.
HENRY
(to Alex)
Why on earth would people want to know that about me? I lift...
ALEX
Spirits?
HENRY
Yes, sure. That.
ALEX
And me, when I ask.
HENRY
Alex—
ALEX
Also when I don't ask.
HENRY
We're moving on.
HENRY rips out the third question on the card.
HENRY
(reading)
"When does Prince Henry... become king"
(to Alex)
Oh, Christ. Uh—
(to camera A)
I'm only fourth in line at the moment, likely to be pushed further back down the line of succession when my brother has children. It's... fairly unlikely at this point.
ALEX
If you became king, what would I be?
HENRY
A rascal. Next question.
HENRY reaches to strip away the fourth question on the card.
HENRY
(reading)
"Does Prince Henry... love Alex Claremont-Diaz"
HENRY chuckles and bows his head low and shakes his head a little. ALEX nudges his knee with his knee and waggles his eyebrows at him.
HENRY looks up at him, grins, and bites his lip.
HENRY
(to Alex, softly and sincerely)
I do, very much, yes.
(to camera A)
Even when he's mean to me.
ALEX
(to camera A)
Especially when I'm mean to him. But only me. Only I get to do that.
JUMP CUT TO CAMERA B
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (CONT'D)
EXTREME CLOSE UP, CAMERA B
HENRY
(to camera B, hushed)
It's true.
JUMP CUT TO CAMERA A
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (CONT'D)
MID-SHOT, CAMERA A
HENRY rips out the fifth and last question of the second card, and reads the question aloud as he does.
HENRY
(reading)
"Does Prince Henry... cook his own food"
(to camera A)
Uhhhhh...
ALEX
(to camera A)
He doesn't.
HENRY
Not to sound too much like a brat or anything, I'm just—I'm not very good at it. I... I'm living in New York now, in a fairly less-staffed capacity, so I-I-I-I can learn now, I think.
(to Alex)
I can better at it, I think, right?
ALEX smiles fondly at HENRY—so much that his eyes nearly disappear.
ALEX
(to Henry)
'Course you can.
JUMP CUT TO CAMERA C
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (CONT'D)
EXTREME CLOSE UP, CAMERA C
ALEX turns to CAMERA C and looks it straight into the lens with a deadpanned expression and shakes his head.
ALEX
(hushed)
No.
JUMP CUT TO CAMERA A
INT. WIRED MEDIA, STUDIO A3 (CONT'D)
MID-SHOT, CAMERA A
HENRY
(to Alex)
Cheers, darling.
HENRY takes away the card from ALEX'S hands and hands it to the off-screen staffer, who then hands him another card full of questions for ALEX. The cards follow the prompt, "What Alex Claremont-Diaz..."
ALEX cracks his knuckles and shakes his hands. Then, he reaches for the first question and reads it aloud.
ALEX
(reading)
"What Alex Claremont-Diaz... zodiac sign"
(to camera A)
Hahaaaaa! I am an Aries Sun, Aries Moon, Leo Rising, baby! Let's go! Woo!
HENRY
(to Alex, fondly smiling)
How do you have three?
ALEX
Oh, babe, no—you're a Pisces Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising.
HENRY
I don't... I don't know what that means—
ALEX
June went through a phase. I mean—it's not a phase, she still knows her shit, but she got real into astrology at some point and a side effect of being June's brother is learning things against your will.
(to camera A)
Fun fact for the viewers at home. Your astrology birth chart thing... yeah, apparently, that's the equivalent of like—showing people your nudes, astrologically speaking.
HENRY
But how do you know mine?
ALEX
Babe, everyone knows the royals' birth charts. Y'all fuckin' announce the exact birth times in the papers from the get.
HENRY frowns and looks away. ALEX chuckles and reaches over to rip off another question from the card.
ALEX
(reading)
"What Alex Claremont-Diaz... height"
(to camera A)
I am five foot nine. It's a perfectly respectable, above average height.
HENRY
Very defensive answer there, love. I'm getting a lot repressed rage.
ALEX
Ain't nothin' repressed about this, sweetheart. I am—
(to camera A, pointing)
sick and tired of y'all saying I'm short. I am not. The next person to call me short, I swear—you and me, outside. Guns blazing. Yeehaw, motherfucker.
HENRY
(wheezing, hushed)
This is so terrible.
ALEX watches him laugh and grins. Then, ALEX rips off the next question in the card.
ALEX
(reading)
"What Alex Claremont-Diaz... hair routine"
(to camera A)
Bless your heart. Uh—what do I use?
ALEX snaps his fingers.
ALEX
Olaplex! Olaplex No. 3 is fucking magic. And, you know, have a professional hair stylist on staff. Or June Claremont-Diaz. That's my routine.
HENRY
He also watches a lot of Queer Eye—
ALEX
Woah, woah, woah—what's with the 'he' shit? We both watch a lot of Queer Eye.
HENRY
Fair enough, it's true, yeah—in the Fab Five, we trust.
ALEX
(hushed, gesturing with his hand like he's holding a phone)
Call us.
ALEX then reaches for the fourth question on the second card.
ALEX
(reading)
"What Alex Claremont-Diaz... ethnicity"
(to camera A)
Proudly Latino, para siempre. My mom is white, my dad is Mexican, and we're all 100% American.
ALEX reaches for the last and final question on his second hard.
ALEX
(reading)
"What Alex Claremont-Diaz... said in bisexual address 2020"
(to Henry, grinning
Ah, that old thing. Well...
ALEX looks at HENRY for a while and pauses. They are smiling at each other. HENRY reaches for his hand and squeezes it once.
ALEX
(to camera A, smiling)
It is what it is and I said what I said.
With the hand that HENRY held, ALEX raised HENRY'S hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles. ALEX'S eyes linger on HENRY'S for a moment, they pause, smiling all the while.
ALEX (CONT'D)
(to Henry)
He is still my choice. I choose him every single day. And I will choose him, always.
HENRY smiles. He mouths the words I love you to ALEX with the smallest movement of his lips. ALEX catches it and he grins.
cut to black