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“You…you’re Lady Whistledown?”
Penelope wrung her hands together. “I am.”
“I don’t…” Colin ran both hands through his hair. “How can..? But it’s you!”
Despite the nerves racing through her body at her revelation, Penelope couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at her finances tone.
“Colin, whilst I may not be the most beautiful woman of any season, I do have some talents.”
“Of course. I didn’t mean…” He shook his head and Penelope could see he’d been drained of all colour.
“I think I need to sit down.”
He collapsed into the closest chair before she could offer one. Colin held his head in his hands for a few moments whilst Penelope found herself unsure of what to say. She hadn’t really know how he’d react. Oh, she knew he wouldn’t have been ecstatic at the news. But other than that, she’d had no real idea what he would do or say.
“Colin?”
He didn’t answer.
“Colin do you hate me?”
She couldn’t bear it if he said yes. Penelope was more than willing to bear him shouting at her. Berating her. If he even wanted to cry off their engagement then she would bear it. But if he said he hated her…? She didn’t know if she’d be strong enough to bear that.
“Colin? Do you hate me?”
He shook his head but still kept it hidden in his hands. Penelope glanced at the drawing room door. Given their marriage was in two weeks’ time, her mother had seen no issue about leaving them alone together. Even if anything untoward did happen, it would hardly matter now. Even so. Her mother hadn’t been completely clear about when she would be back. The last thing Penelope needed was for her mother to learn this as well.
“I’m sorry if you wished I hadn’t told you. But I couldn’t lie about this. Not to you. Not when we’re getting married.”
“Funny how you didn’t mention it when I proposed.” He finally brought his head up to look at her. Penelope nodded.
“I know. I just….you wouldn’t have understood.”
“Well, I don’t understand now Penelope, so I fail to see how this situation is an improvement?”
“Because I knew I couldn’t marry you with this huge secret between us!”
With a shake of his head, Colin rose to his feet.
“I just never imagined Lady Whistledown would be you!”
Exactly. Penelope thought. No one would have ever assumed shy, awkward, ugly duckling Penelope Featherington capable of something such as this. Nearly every woman in the ton had been accused of being Lady Whistledown. Except for her. Not that she minded. It made things much easier after all. But somehow it stung more when coming from Colin. Not because he was meaning to insult her. But because even he couldn’t comprehend that she had a talent for something that lay outside a society ballroom.
“How could you do it?”
Penelope was snapped from her thoughts by Colin’s words. She narrowed her eyes.
“Excuse me?”
“How could you do it?” He repeated. “Write all those things about everyone?”
“It’s not as though other people weren’t also thinking the same things.” Penelope argued. “How many times would you hear a comment about how accurate Lady Whistledown is?”
“There is a huge difference between thinking something and actually saying it.” Colin retorted. “Or in this case, publishing it!”
“You think I don’t know that?” Penelope wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or cry.
“Colin, I know better than you the difference. If you have an opinion then you are free to state it. Whether that’s in a private conversation or in front of an entire ballroom. I on the other hand, am not. If it’s an opinion about politics or science or history or anything of that nature, I am informed my opinion does not matter because I am a woman. If I have an opinion about another woman’s dress or how she behaves I am told to be quiet to avoid being seen as petty or jealous. I have been told my entire life to never state my opinions whereas you have been encouraged.”
A flash of understanding seemed to dawn on Colin. “Penelope-”
“No.” She shook her head. “No, I need to say this because you clearly do not understand.”
“Very well.” He sat back down in the chair. “Help me understand.”
“By becoming Lady Whistledown I was free to say whatever I wanted. Anything I had wanted to point out but had been too shy or afraid to do so, I could. I had the freedom of expressing myself I knew I would never have otherwise.”
She felt her eyes fill with tears and she hurried to wipe them away. The last thing she wanted to do was to cry in front of Colin.
“I have never been pretty enough to have gentlemen hang onto my every word. I’ve never had people even pretend to be interested in anything I have to say. Not even my own mother.”
“I was.” Colin interrupted. He gazed up at her. “Penelope I….I may have taken far too long to realise I loved you. But I was always interested in anything you said. You had more sense than most of the women I danced with, and you were certainly more amusing.”
“Very well.” She sighed. “Other than you, no one was ever interested in what I had to say. Well, maybe you and Lady Danbury. But that was it. Lady Whistledown gave me freedom Colin. And whatever you may think of me now, I’m not sorry I did it. Any of it. I don’t regret it in any way. I suspect I never shall.”
“Penelope!” Colin groaned. He was on his feet again and pacing up and down in front of her.
“Did you even consider the possibility of being discovered? Whether or not people agreed with what you said, you will have upset and angered a lot of people.”
“Of course, I considered it.” Penelope knew folding her arms was a little juvenile, but did he honestly think she’d just gone into this without thinking?
“Colin I published under a false name for a reason. I took a lot of measures to protect myself and to avoid it coming out. I also knew there was some safety in the fact that no one would ever assume I’d dare do something like this.
“But what if-”
“Why can’t you be proud of me?”
The words hung in the air between them and she noticed Colin’s mouth had dropped slightly.
“I’m sorry?”
“Why can’t you be proud of me?” Damn, more tears were coming. She blinked furiously to try and force them back but she they began to drip down her face.
“Colin this is my life’s work! This is what I have accomplished over the past ten years! I achieved something most won’t and kept it all a secret. Why can’t you be proud of that?”
He shuffled his feet nervously. “Penelope it isn’t that simple.”
“Isn’t it?” She turned away from him and moved towards the window.
“When I read your travel journals I was so proud of you. You showed so much talent in the few pages I read. They weren’t even published, and I was proud of you. Why can you not extend the same sentiment to me who has been a published author for nearly half her life.”
When Colin didn’t respond she whirled round to face him. Several loose curls slid free and fell down around her face.
“Are you jealous?” She whispered. “Jealous I managed to achieve something you haven’t yet?”
“No!” He protested. “Well…” He shook his head. “Admittedly yes. A little bit. But that’s not what this is about.”
“Well, what is it then!” She knew she was acting in a way her mother – and many others - would call “most unladylike” but Penelope didn’t care. She thought Colin loved her enough to at least accept this part of her life. Being proven wrong two weeks before her wedding was killing her,
“What is it Colin? Why do you hate the fact I am Lady Whistledown? Why do you refuse to even find one part of my achievements to praise?”
“Because I refuse to praise you for writing such horrid things about yourself!”
The pair of them watched in other in silence. Thankful for the small table beside her, Penelope leant against it as Colin advanced on her.
“I was shocked when you told me you were Lady Whistledown. Although,” he smiled wryly, “given the many observations you have made to me in a ballroom, I am a bit of a clot head for not realising sooner. I certainly know of no other ladies as sharp or as witty.”
“Colin-”
He held up a hand and she fell silent.
“And yes, part of my initial reaction was aimed at your safety. If people were to find out the truth then…” He shuddered. “Penelope many may simply cut you but others..? I could not bear it if someone hurt you. And, as I have just admitted, there is some jealously on my part. You have achieved something I only dream of because I am too scared of rejection to do anything about it. But Penelope.” His hands landed on her shoulders before sliding down to grasp her arms.
“Penelope I cannot be happy when I think of just how many articles you wrote where you insulted yourself.”
“I…” She wished he wasn’t so close. All she wanted to do was hold him and push her lips to his. Colin gently tucked several loose tendrils behind her ear, and she shivered as his fingers grazed her cheek.
“How could you do it?” He choked out. “How could you sit there and write such vile things about yourself?”
“I… I had to. I couldn’t very well leave myself out. It would have given things away right from the start.”
“Yes but-” He threw his hands in the air. “You could have just commented on the poor colour of a dress or made a brief comment on a lack of dance partners or… I don’t know! But not…”
He shook his head and the sadness in his eyes was certainly not a reaction she had been expecting.
“When mother or Eloise or someone would read out the latest article I used to get so angry when you were mentioned. Because it was never just a throwaway comment about a dress colour or something trivial enough. It was far more deliberate. You would never just say you wore a poor colour dress. You would instead say how hideous you looked in comparison to other woman. You would never just write that you had less dances. You would talk about how it was because no one would ever want to dance with you.”
“Looking back now.” He continued. “I suspect my anger at reading those articles was because I did love you back then. I just didn’t realise it. I would want to throw them into the fire as though that would magically wipe such insults from my memory.”
“I can’t imagine Eloise would have been too pleased if you’d burnt her copies of Whistledown?”
“No.” Colin smiled. “No, she wouldn’t have been. I did burn one though.”
“Oh.” Penelope gripped the table she was leaning on. Probably not advisable as it was fairly old and had never been the sturdiest of objects. Colin nodded and she could see shame appearing in his eyes.
“It was the one that came out after that incident.”
Penelope needed no further reminder. Despite everything that had happened over the past few months, the “I am certainly not marrying Penelope Featherington.” Was still fresh in her mind.
“You said.” Colin began. “If Miss Featherington were to somehow manage to drag a Bridgerton brother to the altar, it would surely mean the end of the world as we know it.”
“I suppose I wasn’t completely accurate all the time then. Given you’ve asked me to marry you and the world is still the same.”
Colin fixed her with a haunted gaze. “Do you honestly believe those things?”
“About if we got married or…?”
“All of it? Everything you ever wrote. Is that truly how you see yourself?”
Penelope sighed. She knew full well what answer he wanted to hear. But it wasn’t the truth. Instead, she just nodded.
“I’ve never been led to believe anything else.”
For a second she wondered if Colin would collapse. His face drained of colour and he took several shaky steps towards her.
“Colin?”
“I’m sorry.” He took her face in his hands. “I’m so sorry.”
His kiss was not unwelcome, but it was a surprise. Penelope staggered backwards and pressed her hands on his chest to try and stop them from moving backwards any further. Colin’s lips pushed and nipped at hers and she realised he was kissing her as though he would die if he stopped. One of Colin’s hands left her face and dropped to her waist to bring her closer against him. Penelope allowed her own hands to tangle themselves in his hair; aware of something wet landing on her cheeks.
Then Colin broke away. A sudden as the start of his kiss had been, the finish was even more so. Penelope let her hold on him drop and he backed away slightly.
“I’m so sorry Penelope.” His eyes were red, and she lifted a hand to feel his tears still on her face.
“I’m so sorry it took me so long to realise how amazing you are. How beautiful and funny and talented. I’m so sorry I never made you see how special you are.”
“It wasn’t just you.” She mumbled. “Lots of other people fuelled the belief. My family, other society ladies. Lots of people.”
“I know.” He nodded. “But the very fact that I contributed is enough to pain me. Because the last thing I would ever want to do is to make you think you are not worthy of love. Because you are. More so than most I think."
Penelope wiped at her own tears. Colin took her hand and sank down to one knee. A giggle burst from her throat.
“What are you doing? You’ve already proposed!”
“I know.” He nodded. “But I want to make a vow that I won’t be able to make in the church.”
He took a deep breath. “Penelope Featherington. I promise that I will devote every single second of my life to you. To your happiness. To your love. To ensure you never again doubt your worth. I am proud of you and what you have achieved as Lady Whistledown. Truly I am. And I swear I will do whatever it takes to ensure your identity is kept safe and that whatever ambitions you have in the future, are achieved. I will make it my life’s goal to guarantee you are happy and feel loved. And I won’t allow for anything less.”
He kissed her hand before rising to his feet and pulling her close. Penelope kissed the tip of his nose with a smile.
“You clearly are a talented writer.” She grinned. “That was a much more romantic vow than the ones the vicar will have us say.”
“Well, I will live my life by both of them.” Colin wrapped his arms around her waist. “But I needed you to know all I want is your happiness.”
“I will be married to you.” Penelope let her lips graze over his. “That is all I could ever need to be happy."