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"I already have a father, and I'll never call you Pops!" Ace screamed angrily. He couldn't believe this crew, all full of family vibes but totally ignoring that he HAS a dad. The man looked after him and then his brothers for more than ten years before Ace finally set sail; he would never betray his father by calling someone else 'Pops'!
As if on cue, Ace felt that his denden started ringing. He looked around the deck - it was relatively free of people, so he picked up the call.
"Yeah?"
"Oi, Ace, you haven't called in a while. How are you doing? I heard you've been chilling with the Whitebeards?" the man laughed from across the world.
"I'm fine... And I'm not exactly 'chilling'. They kidnaped me!" Ace grumbled. "I'll kill that old bastard!"
"Meh, same thing. Are Marco or Ed around?"
"You know Marco? And who's 'Ed'?" fire logia frowned.
"You know, Ed! Edward Newgate, who is also known as Whitebeard. That huge guy with a banana stache," the man clarified as if it's obvious.
Ace stood there for a second, trying to get himself together. "'Huge guy with banana stache'? Dad, you know Whitebeard?!"
"Ace, who are you talking with, yoi?" Ace turned around and saw that Marco and Thatch came close while he was talking with his father.
Portgas contemplated just ending the call right here, but he was curious now. How did his dad know these people?
"...My..friend. He kinda wanted to talk with you or your captain," said Ace and gave the denden to the first mate.
"Hello? Who's that?" someone logia knew wanted to talk with him?
"Ah, chicken boy, did you find where I put all your sandals and trousers? Yahahaha!"
Marco froze. Is this moron for real?! Thatch started laughing like he's heard the best joke in his damn life. 'So they do know Dad, but what the hell does that even mean?!' Ace thought.
"WHAT THE FUCK, LORE, WHERE DID YOU HIDE THEM?! WE SEARCHED THE ENTIRE SHIP BUT FOUND NOTHING!" wow, this is the first time Ace has seen calm and cheerful Marco so mad. Thatch wheezed on the ground, and yeah, it was hilarious.
"Hmmm, did you check under the planks near the mizzen mast? Like seventy inches to the northwest? If you push gently on the third plank near the one with two long scratches and three short ones, you can remove them, and there's some nice space to hide things!" Lore was having fun, no doubts here.
Marco actually rushed to search the place, Thatch and Ace with denden in his hands right behind him.
"I heard someone laughing?" asked his dad while Marco was looking for the right plank.
"Hey! Thatch here~," the chef wave at the snail amiably.
"Oh, how is my boy eating? He ain't skipping his greens, eh?" the man activated his 'dad mode'.
"Hey!" Ace tried to protest, but Thatch was already answering.
"To be honest, he's barely eating no matter what I cook! On a good day, he eats one portion of rice or soup, bread sometimes but nothing else!"
"I'm trying to kill your captain!" Ace tried to protest again.
"Hm-hm, sounds like Ace during 'the moody phase'. Did you try apple bunnies or gator nuggets? He can't resist them!"
"Oho?~"
"Dad!"
"FOUND THEM!" Thatch and Ace looked at Marco, who was pulling his tied trousers from under the deck.
"Dad, how and why did you hide Whitebeards first mate's trousers..."
"And sandals," Thatch added gleefully, internally, the division commander was a bit busy processing the 'dad' comment.
"...and sandals?"
"Oh, I was pretty drunk and thought it was a good idea. A pity I didn't see Marco's face in the morning, though."
"I think Haruta took a picture," Thatch smirked.
"Nice, get me copies."
"Why were you even here?!" for fuck's sake, why can't his dad stay on track?!
"Why who was here?" and yep, the old bastard managed to sneak on them.
"Lore! Can you believe it? He's Ace's dad!"
"Shut up, Thatch!" why did they all come here?! He just wanted to have a chat with his father!
"Lore? Where did you hide my underwear?" Whitebeard arched his eyebrow curiously.
Ace just stood there. What. The. Fuck.
"Half of your underwear is in Blamenco's pockets if you put things there without him knowing he won't find them even if the guy feels he has something he didn't remember putting there! And another half in Curiel's room," Lore answered cheekily. "Anything else, sweetheart?"
"Gurarara, are you planning a visit? It's been a while," either Ace was going insane, or Whitebeard sounded...flirty.
"WHAT THE FUCK, DAD?!"
"Mm? What is it, Ace?"
"Why are you so...friendly?!"
"Ah, you see..."
"You said your sons' names were 'Sai, Bars and Finn', nothing about 'Ace'," the strongest man interrupted.
"Your crew is enormous, cutie stache, even if there are no traitors, spies, or whatever, they still could talk somewhere others could hear them, and I'm not risking my kids' lives! So yeah, fake names."
"Ah, I see. You bragged about your amazing brats so much I'd never thought you'd change their names in your stories."
"You bragged about us?" Ace asked dumbfoundedly.
"Of course, I did! Garp ain't the only one to have bragging rights!" Lore said proudly.
"Wait, no, answer the damn question! Why are you so friendly and casual?"
"Ah, mmm. Well... It's because... I kinda sorta have been in a... relationship with Ed? For the last nine years?"
No. No way. NO!
"WHAT?!" apparently, Lore wasn't alone at home when he called.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE IN A 'KINDA SORTA RELATIONSHIP' WITH A MOTHERFUCKING WHITEBEARD?!" Dadan screeched. Portgas could hear Dogra and Magra crying back in the distance. Ace's brain failed him. His mind was perfectly blank.
"Well, it's kinda a free one? Like we meet each other from time to time and all that?.."
"But...height difference?.." Ace asked meekly.
Don't think about it. Just don't.
DON'T THINK ABOUT YOUR DAD AND WHITEBEARD. NOT THEM DOING SOMETHING GROSS TOGETHER! GOD, PLEASE NO!
His brain needs bleach.
"I have a friend with size altering devil fruit, so, yeah..." Lore mumbled awkwardly.
"Someone, kill me, please."