Work Text:
Do you ever feel empty but heavy? I do.
It’s usually because I’m stressed, and most of the time I don't even notice it, but at times, it gets so bad that I do notice it.
Sitting with my head in my hands thinking about all the things I could’ve done, should’ve done, to prevent this feeling. To prevent the pit growing heavier in my stomach. The feeling of emptiness, it’s dark and it settles down to the bottom of my stomach and attempts to go lower.
It’s the way my heart also feels heavy, scared every time somebody calls for me, it’s because a teacher called saying I’m failing their class. Scared to disappoint them because I’m the “smart girl” and I was “born to do great things.”
I don’t feel so great though. I just feel like laying in my bed, and not getting up, even if I feel hungry. Then, when I force myself to get up and eat, I just settle for a glass of water instead, I would probably just pick at the toast and play with the eggs anyway. On a normal day, the smell would make my mouth water, but right now it just makes me wanna puke.
The things that used to destress me just make me more stressed, more guilty. Time spent doing something I like- time spent being self indulgent (for once) with games and hobbies- could’ve been spent on homework. If I do something I like right now, I won’t ever even touch my work, but even when I stop being self indulgent, I can barely push myself to do the things that need to get done.
I can’t even sleep. I just toss and turn thinking about all the assignments I forgot about that need to get done, but I don’t want to lose 3-4 hours of sleep when it won’t fix my grade in the slightest. But it doesn’t stop my heart and head from messing with me. It doesn’t stop the feeling of the acids in my stomach wanting to come up.
I just wanna curl up and forget. I don’t wanna get up. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to log into my classes. I don’t want my heart to hurt. I don’t want to feel heavy. I want this pit to go away.
It burns, and the ashes settle, going down, lower and lower, it's all heavy, it’s all suffocating.
How do I get out of this cycle? How do I make it stop?